Soooooo... my boss is early 60's, married 35 or so years, two daughters, both fully grown with great jobs and married with children. They have zero debt, nice cars, a big, beautiful house. They go on several vacations a year to a timeshare in Cabo. Boss's W just retired and now spends much of her time caring for the grandkids. When I was going through all the misery after BD I just kept thinking "man, if he only knew how lucky he is!!!" His M survived raising kids, menopause, etc. etc. So we go to lunch today and start talking, turns out he got BD'd yesterday. She's been unhappy for years, she's ready to walk out the door, he needs to get his s*** together or she's gone. What a way to start the new year! Needless to say I had plenty of info to share with him. He's been doing a lot of the wrong stuff- trying to convince her the M is great, asking her to remember all the vacations they have each year, the house, etc. He said at this point she says she's willing to work on things, but she gave him an ultimatum. I told him I'd give him my copies of DR and 5LL to read and also sent him a link to the Retrouvaille site (there's a session coming up in our area in a couple of weeks). Theirs is apparently a SSM too, he said they've been ML once or twice a YEAR. My fingers are crossed that it's not too late for him.
Fuckin people....I obviously don't know your boss's wife but it's a pretty damn shitty aspect of the human personality to never be content with what you have. What does it say about us that we always want what we can't have and then when we get it, we don't want it anymore. It seems like it takes a truly enlightened person to get past this- especially in this day and age.
"I'm not happy anymore". Biggest line of bullshit that's anyone can say....
...end rant.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
Your bossy is lucky to have you in his corner AS! That's wonderful that you can share what you've learned, I hope they are able to save their marriage.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Typo: *your boss is lucky to have you in his corner*
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Dingo, it really is mind-boggling. I mean they literally have it all. They're wealthy, successful, the kids are totally independent of them, they have a huge home that they built themselves that is paid for, luxury cars that are also paid for. His W has traveled all over the place since retiring and because their kids and their families are both local she gets to spend a lot of time caring for the grandkids. Some women would kill to have her "problems"! But she's not "happy" and hasn't been for some time. It is so similar to my sitch that it's eery.
Mimi, thanks, I hope I can help him. He's a fixit guy, so I'm really trying to talk him down out of that mode because it's just making his W more angry! He asked his W if she would go to MC and she said she wasn't sure. Ouch. I think maybe she's farther down the WAS path than he realizes. I told him to quit pushing MC and check into RetroV.
So I mentioned W took the kids on a skiing trip and I didn't know if OM went along, but assumed he probably did. S11 called me from there last night and wanted to Skype, while we were doing that I saw OM in the background. They are all staying at W's sister's place. After I hung up I was just really struck with what strange and bizarre behavior this is for W. It is so completely unlike the W I used to know. I look at it this way- before BD if W's sister had left her H and told W she was going to come visit us with her sons and a new BF and stay in our house I think W would have freaked out! There would have been NO WAY she'd allow her sister to stay here with a BF while still married to her H, ESPECIALLY with her kids. She would have been shocked that her sister would even ask. I would have heard stories every day after work about how scandalous her sister is behaving. I really don't know W anymore, she is a total stranger. The W I knew has been totally replaced by this new persona, one that I don't care for in the least! So strange.
AS, good to hear about you doing well, spending some great time with your kids, and meeting a nice woman. I’m not convinced though that you are not standing anymore. I can see that the fact that OM was at the ski trip bothered you some. I might be wrong though, it is just my impression.
About your boss… ML just two times year might be a huge problem for his W. I can see how she could not think about all other good things in her life, but sees this as a big issue. I can relate, actually. I had a good life. The things that I was upset with my H about were the luck of affection and his NOT desire to ML. I almost walked out of the M 5 years ago. I realized that I could not and didn’t want to do it, and I tried to work it out hoping that I could get what I needed. Needless to say that H felt a lot of pressure in this department. I also nagged some. He BD’d me. So, what I want to say that ML issue could be main one for your boss. Just my opinion.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
BF, you're right, it did bother me. I'm not sure it bothered me because of the relationship between W and me (maybe it did on some level), but I know for sure it bothered me because I just recently had a talk with W about how all the kids have said to me that OM is around too much and it makes them feel uncomfortable. I said to her that of course she's free to do what she wants, but the kids tell me they still hope that we're going to reconcile and while both of us know that will never happen, it hurts them to see OM around all the time. That was maybe a month ago. I offered to let W have the kids on one day of Christmas week (I had them that week) and she accepted taking them on the evening of Christmas eve. So they got to spend a nice evening and dinner on Christmas eve with W... and OM! (found out from the kids later) Then this week they go on a ski trip with W... and OM! Ugh! It just irks me that he's around the kids so much. He seems like a nice guy, that's not the issue. The issue is the kids are still struggling to accept the sitch and W just keeps throwing OM in their faces. I'm not going to say anything else to W about it since I already did and she chose to ignore it, so I'm just venting about it here, thanks for listening
Thank you for the feedback on my boss's sitch. He said that the only times they ever ML were after she had had a lot to drink but wasn't drunk enough to pass out, otherwise she never wanted to. Obviously I'm only hearing one side to the story, but his comment is that she was the one that never wanted to but he did. It could be that she didn't want to because there was a general lack of affection (that's why I suggested 5LL to him). I haven't talked to him beyond that one lunch, I'm sure we'll be talking more about it.
I wonder if your W feels that since OM is part of her life the kids need to get use to him being around, thus she invites him in hopes their feelings for him will change w/ time and experiences together.
I know that has to be a tough situation, especially when hearing your kids hope for R and do not enjoy being around OM. You are handling it well. We cant be stone w/ every situation...some things will affect us at times. Its good you've taken note of how you felt.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
W came by last night to pick up S11 from my house. Lately she's been bringing her dog in which is a little unusual, before she would just leave her car running in the drive, come in and grab up S11 and leave. But last night she brought her dog in, closed the garage door, came in the living room and sat down. We chatted a while about a lot of different things, it's the longest convo we've had in some time. I asked her how she's feeling and she said her arm has been really bad (the one she had surgery on for the cancer). She went to the doctor and has lymphedema. She is supposed to start physical therapy on Monday. She said she has to pay for it out-of-pocket and then frowned and said she wanted to get a hearing aid, but can't now because of this. It just absolutely broke my heart. After she left I went to take a shower and just broke down crying for the first time in... I don't even know, probably a year. I cried because I hate to see her in pain, because she shouldn't have to choose between physical therapy and a hearing aid, because she's too young to even have that kind of stuff on her radar, because I want to help her but she doesn't want me to. Oh man this is tough, I can GAL and have PMA and be independent and have my own life but I clearly will never be able to just turn off my feelings for her. I hurt for her.
Originally Posted By: Mimi00
I wonder if your W feels that since OM is part of her life the kids need to get use to him being around, thus she invites him in hopes their feelings for him will change w/ time and experiences together.
I'm sure she does think that, that exposing them to him all the time will help them to more readily accept him. I think she started pushing him on them too soon though. All the kids feel very strongly that M is forever. I think if she had waited until D then they might have been more receptive, but I don't think she knows how much it hurts them for her to bring OM around when she's still married to their dad.
