NERO - still afloat - "JUST"

[willbwell]

nero, hope you got some good rest.
sleep has become such a sweet thing to me. sometimes right now, if I can I will take a nap. 15-20 minutes.I will lay down and say I do this because I can( no school, its the holidays. really though, sometimes I think I do it too much-nap a need to get busy!
I like to be busy. tiredness though seems to be a constant.

I hadn't read up to the top of your thread.
the needing to connect, to talk.

my h too hasn't changed the bill paying part yet. I know I need to be smart.
Like ur said, doing nothing right now is my choice.
Would love if that bell would go off. DING!
Here is what I need to do!

Think its nice seeing that snow...on tv.
lived 4 yrs in MD, 1 in NY,1 in CT,I had enough of snow cold for me!

I plan on cleaning today. maybe doing a little reading.
d said she is sleeping in until 7am! I got 30 min!

[nero]

my h is not actually "generous" in the sense that he will make it easy or just give me his half of his house. (he's currently owner of three expensive , large properties he just inherited two in addition to his own house we've lived in for 38 or so yrs. [ all paid off oh man.....

why he wouldn't just give it to me and be done with me in his life- idk. he's the guy that never wanted to marry and kept himself free = he could have chucked me out of his life at any moment and the law is with him totally.

for whatever reason- he is not doing that. he has said he would not kick me out or make me sell up- or take it away- i will not ever have to worry bout having ahome - but he's not giving it to me and enabling me to clear the heck out of his life either.

i have no idea what his motivation is? control? greed? keeping me on a string - wtf??? could be any one of those.

i consulted lawyers long ago- i have no rights legally. we are not married- either one could demand other sell up and buy them out- i've got nothin here. it seems hard to believe- but after four or so consultations- in fla and nj = zip.

I cannot imagine what i would do other than to just cruise along and be exactly who and what i always was (and is) and he can just be surprised if i freak out and spin out of control. til the moment I AM READY to be crazy woman- i'm staying below the radar. it seems the safest and smartest thing to do. i mean - what wounded & limping wildebeast goes for a trot across the savannah in front of a bunch of hungry lions??? not this one. i'm hiding in the bushes -

The problem for many of us is that we do not fully ;believe' in MLC. I often think that either it is me that has got it all wrong. Or that our marriage fell apart and I am 'relying' on MLC as an explanation to avoid facing a more painful reality. Even though my xh has changed beyond all recognition to almost everyone who knows him . . . .

HEY YEAH- ME TOO. WIERD, ISN'T IT??? i DO have trouble really "believing" it all- tho he sure fits the description. tonite- just glad to be alive and not thinking about what i do not have. if i can remember tonite to eat the dopey sleeping pill i fished out last nite- and left on the counter (duuhhhh)

thanks for vote of confidence. i think i'd be a great partner for life too- who knows what the heck this guy thinks he wants (now). or has (ow) that is soooooo wonderful , yet he apparently doesn't want to just "sign up" to her eithr. he's a messed up dude. question is , was he always like this and i didn't appreciate the breadth & depth of his messed-up-ed-ness??? or is it new and really something like mlc &old problems surfacing? ya gotta wonder.

i'm sure it'll al be clear to us in the fullness of time- if we're not dead- or toothless (from all the grinding at nite) and hairless from all the stinkin stress- etc.

nice picture huh? oh well- me trying to be philosophical tonite. snow pretty- cold as stinking heck. wish i had someone to watch tv with- oh well rite - alive & well-ish so guess i'll take it.

have a good evening. xxo

[nero]

hey hi0-

i know, the tiredness. i think, honestly, it is a bit of depression. it doesn't stop me really - i am sometimes just running around like a nut on empty. i just have to keep going- and keep busy too. if not, i think. waking up in nitetime my brain gets going down "that road" - eeeeek- the thinking and thinking and being outraged allover again.

see- if left to my own devices my poor brain is angry. In the day i don't think i'm too rabid. who knowsZ???

it's sure a tough one to live thru and with.

the $$ [- i run hot and cold on the issue. i know everyone says 'GET A PLAN. MY Plan is exercise every day and try to stay healthy, sane & save whatever $$ comes mhy way-live modestly- and whatever happens next, i'll deal with it as it unfolds. this past year- everyone sick & dying- none of it according to "plan". i am not convinced a "plan" matters in life unless you can guarantee & orchestrate every person's part in it. i cannot.

i do not pretend to have a plan. mwd in one of her books says never act on your feelings - feelings change minute to minute- depending on all sorts of things. it's so true. i like this notion quite alot. tread lightly....

i'd like to plan to get a very high paying job that i love and be financially independent. will it happen- probably not. i susp[ect people throw away my resume when they realize i have waaay too much experience to be 20 and cute as a button & cheap also. it's not pretty out there.
,
my plan would also include "buns of steel" and also a face lift, body lift, and spirit lift. oh yeah-pplease do not forget a six pack. always wanted one- begin exercising all the time- fizzle all the time too.

myh bod isn't bad - slim - could wear a bikini and not leave people blind. am not "young" tho, and it's plain for all the world to see. i do laugh alot- so any aspiring comedian would love me for a sidekick.

idk- i could die in my sleep tonite- what would/could my plan possibly be? (that is achievable for certain?)( my mom could live ten more years- she could die tonite(she's 89 ) how extensive a plan do i make. i do need to figure out some stuff & strategy about her & care. i procrastinate like mad about everything- giant flaw. on the other hand = if i did, in fact, die tonite; i'll be mighty glad i fiddled around goofing off the last day of my life rather than working hard looking up stupid old elder law crappola.

I seem to be soooo done with my "dutiful daughter" portion of the show. it's okay- i've been a giant sap for alot of my life, well, all of my life. time to give that woman a vacation from guilt. (project in the works)

my h- i still can't figure out if he's just a terrible person and i somehow never saw it- or he's a wonderful person being controllled by serious neurosis and all his past baggage come to the surface. idk-

i don't think he knows. i have a serious problem believing this ow is REALLY such a huge love of his life. if she were- how can he NOT go and sign up immediately and not toss me out of his life in favor of her? I'm askin. he sure does think she's the most important thing in his life - whatta dope. imho...... i don't actually think a miracle is going to happen- i just can't yet believe i hate him enough to want him out of my life-TOTALLY. (yet)

i'm screwed up for sure about it- don't care to nite. yay..U

IT WOULD seem dutiful daughter has hooked up with dutiful spouse and they've taken a slow boat to tahiti. mia and good riddance to them.
.
okay- free woman here , in a dark room with the lit tree & lites on front porch just outside the window- looking cute with snow & fretwork - feeling uncharacteristically & mysteriously calm.

glad to be alive with a cute little house to be in. faith? ya think? is it a good thing to just have faith - in general? i'll be cryin the blues when it all blows apart- but for now, til it does, i'm chillin i think. smart or dopey>>??????- In the end - all will be revealed.

xxoo have a great nite/day and maybe a tipple of wine & peice of candy. (sin of choice)

[beatrice]

I am so sorry that you have no rights where you live - in other jurisdictions a long term partner does have rights (though not as many as a married one, as a rule) No consistency here.

I guess by generous I meant that he isn't spewing and trying to actively destroy you. Strange definition of generous, i agree, but you know how my xh has been.

He is a bit crazy - being nice for now, but has just sent me all the same stuff for my lawyer to make a comment on. She has already done this. I am trying to keep this sane, and it is rapidly becoming like something out of Kafka.

Ho hum. My life used to be so straightforward. It is as if a hurricane transported me to Oz.

[LoisB]

Ho hum. My life used to be so straightforward. It is as if a hurricane transported me to Oz.

And, THEN!!, there was Hurricane in OZ!!!

[nero]

hey hi- anyone that bumbles in here..

i'm just mulling over a post i just did in portia's thread. she got me thinking, well and everyone over there. commenting on trusting again and possibilities for future, wondering if we're all too screwed up to ever really trust again - (and while i'm definitely screwed up (alot)) - i still think not necessarily.

i think we'll just intuitively recognize tip offs that we've learned are bad in another person- and if we were to fall in love or begin to- it just wouldn't be with a person having them. i am pretty sure- that the "signs" were there , of the things that were bad. if we didn't have the knowledge & experience to see them, or know them for exactly what they were - now we've learned from that.

that's life, isn't it? learning when to not put your hand in the stupid fire again??? use the darn pot holder? sooo we made a bit of a mistake (maybe) for about 38 years. so we find out the hard (hard hard hard) way... so kill us-

well, let me change that. soooo it didn't kill us - ta da...

we're just people.. who ever designated us as the one perfect one that did everything right - and didn't land up in the soup?

i get "saying something out loud" in a thread- and it amazes me what pours out- which i would assume are my true feelings. (?) they are a reaction to someone's comment- coming forward when we get "chatting"... is it crappola or some honest reaction and it's good to "hear ourselves say it to someone else- " a moderating force. (or maybe, some thing i need to try and squelch ?) idk. putting it out there helps to (hopefully) qualify it..

i don't know whether to be encouraged or discouraged to find myself saying (ON THIS STINKING FREEEEEZING MORNING - WHEN MY LEGS ARE COLD??? AND IT'S ZERO OUTSIDE (and one little bit warmer inside)

(thoooo- it's waaaay more exciting and exotic - the continual changes - better i guess than FLA where you wake up every single stinkin day and know what the weather will be - hot- humid , sunny & sucking the life out of you from the same-ness. talk about too much of a good thing- it will fry your guts out and leave you with wrinkles and skin cancer- but it willlll always be THE SAME - no variety- til you croak... growing up in the north- loving the seasons (more than you'd ever think- til someone takes them AWAY FOREVER ) - IT TAKES the pleasure out of summer- & how much we looked for ward to it- AND HOW wonderful a patch of sun in on the couch on a cold cold morning) you know- that old point driven home that without the bad stuff- you cease to be able to recognize the good stuff

it's just true: the proverb: "all sunshine makes a desert".

hey- do we apply that to our lives or what - here.???

anyway- kind of lost my thread. sorry for rant about fla. i even thought of it fondly other morning when it was too cold to budge out of the house- but even then, i had to admit a small part of the problem with fla is that it's never ever cold enough to make you feel "justified " in staying indoors and doing inside stuff- hunkering down- feeling all cozy & homey) having a DAY OFF. IN LIFE . every day is nice - every day there is not a reason in the world to stay in, to not run around like a jerk, to not be busy, to not feel like you have to get busy & GET WORKIN (even in house) and get out and get going...

somehow up here- in winter- with garden all asleep and tucked under the snow- it's like a message from God (even) to just chill out- even one day- be covered up and closed in- embrace it- do i sound nutty- i just think it. who can keep going and going and going til you drop (or start stealing packets of sugar and small things from the super market) (and florida turns you into a negative - OLD OLD BLUE HAIR FLORIDA RESIDENT. ) NOT everyone - but it turns alot of old people very hostile down there. one old woman told me it's being trapped. by the time you realize - it's too expensive to go back up north. .

i want to be an old lady like one i met on a sailboat once in the islands - chubby & cute with "baked apple" cheeks and baking muffins and calling people dearie and feeling it.

imho- ( yeah- , i do have some neurosis & realize how a bit crazed out I can sound) but there is alot to be said in life for liking where you are- liking the seasons - embracing what they tell you- or thrust upon you . who can't walk around outside on a fall day when the leaves are blazing away with color- YOU ARE FORCED , absolutely forced - to see and appreciate the beauty in something totally free and in your face - put there by - what? God? idk- nature is just something to learn from - the contrast if nothing else. how the hard parts (winter- dormant, etc) may just be crucial for the good parts ( flowers- leaves, etc.)

even in the stupid old city (worked in manhatten for a few years) you'd stumble on some little weedie thing- growing in some miserable crack - and it would make you realize how tenacious nature is- everything just wants to live.

just wants to keep going. any little tiny foothold- something grows. no wonder i love my garden. down under the ground in even this terrible harsh weather- stuff is just sleepin away- waitng for spring- warmth. how the heck could it not make us (a tiny bit) take heart?

now, if only mankind doesn't totally kill it all. (oh nuts - back to that huh? man- they'll kill it allll if left to their own selfish devices). can a human being REALLY KILL US INSIDE? do we have to "permit" it- or can it happen without us?

read a good thougt other day: (something along the lines of:

"only when the last tree has been cut down,

and the last fish has been caught - will man realize

you cannot eat money"

im thinking yeah. okay- sorry for being allover the place here today. it's a strane life isn't it? hope you all have a good day-

i'm not sure what the heck i'm even trying to convey here-

i'm just sayin

xxoo

[nero]

okay- since i'm kind of "journaling" for want of a better name-

it's just occurred in life tht h needs me to "be in his corner" about something- which, really, merely involves me being honest.

that is all- no my side- his side- objectively what is the truth.

it just so happens that of everyone on earth- i happen to know what the truth really is...

it's got me thinking about honesty and integrity and 'doing what is right" regrdless of whether or not you even have an opinion or judgement of the person who is the recipient- the person who would "gain" from your honest. we all have to make Honesty prevail in life -

can ya really withhold it??? if your honesty is helping - if it is "the right thing" and it benefits someone you'd like to back over with the car?


can you not do it? in good conscience - NO. CAN YOU JUST ignore it- when it's the "right thing" - no

i'm wondering if this whole thing- dbing - "standing" , so on.

maybe it's just your gut's own HONEST REACTION.

CAN you ignore it or deny it? (even if h benefits from your unwilling ness to just jump up and end it all and run right away) NOOOO

CAN you do anythhing other than what your gut is telling you is "the right thing? no

soooo- i'm thinking, at the end of the day, alll this dbing, waiting, agonizing, wonderinf if we're nuts and casting our pearls before swine, etc.=

it's allll got nothing to do with h and everything to do with us and our "honesty" and our being honest with self & world about what is rite for us- according to our conscience

not helping when you can and see it - is just as bad as saying no when asked to.

a person just "has to". i think. that's about it. nothing too revolutionary. it sounded "bigger" in my brain.

i may wonder if h is worth it- worthy of love - was ever the wonderful prson I THOUGHT - OR JUST a rat and i was blind, etc.

blah blah blah- on and on forever.

it's really just about me. being honest in life, to self, to worldk etc.


if it means you're a fool or a jerk- idk, idc-

does it matter? it's all about being it- honest.

if we were not honest- we'd be - - - them. no better than a person lying-

did any of that make anysense to anyone but me?

so, it's an integrity, do the rite thing, kind of thing. not really even a decision on our part - to stand or hold off or try-

it's the message we show the world, kids, etc - we stand by our honesty.

(i look at this very damaged guy- who is i guess like his very damaged parents- and think of the legacy of every adult that knows any child and then shows the example of anything less than the best you can do , can be, less than honesty-

and then, ka bam- creation of another damaged adult someday who can't be honest, etc.


oh man..... am i reading too much into it all- or it is really true that this very small (very huge) thing- honesty- is abaout what we are about- really...

[Portia]

Hey Nero

I haven't actually been over to my thread to read your post yet, but I do wonder sometimes about how easily I would trust someone else.

And the answer is I could, but differently.

Like if I got the speech again, you would not see me for dust. Or I think I would be able to spot the lies and bad patterns more than I could before.

Kind of like being able to recognize someone in MLC even if no one else can see it. Had I had the knowledge that I have now when this was all beginning, I may not have been able to stop it, but I sure would not have felt sooooo very stunned. In hindsight, it only felt like BD came out of the blue, but I see now that all the signs were there. I just never knew what to look for.

I do now!

Honesty. I always try to be honest. I know I have the ability to spin a whopper if I can, but I much prefer to be honest. For me though, there is living honestly and there is always being honest. The first is living true to our internal values and moral compass. The second is telling the truth to other people. The latter causes the most problems, I think. Especially when I relate to Skippy.

I don't think he wants HONESTY. As in a real, in depth answer to the question how are you? I don't lie, but I don't tell the whole picture. And you know what? That is what I miss. He was the one person who got the whole picture, the one I trusted with the whole picture.

Obviously, he did not trust me with his whole picture. Which is why his betrayal runs so deep.

[nero]

hiya-

i know, it is soo sad isn't it? that they are the ones that become soooo deeply imbedded in our hearts, lives, souls- and then, ka bam. mlc??? i do not know anymore.

i feel crazy alot and wonder if he never ever was the person i thought he was. if he was just "trying on" working man personna after school years - and then when he retired, he just took off that "jacket" and put on another. a guy i don't know & don't like (morally anyway) - just like that- pow. different person.

discarding that life and me with it- did that make sense?.

Had I had the knowledge that I have now when this was all beginning, I may not have been able to stop it, but I sure would not have felt sooooo very stunned. In hindsight, it only felt like BD came out of the blue, but I see now that all the signs were there. I just never knew what to look for.

me too- so, do you ever feel that allll those years, allll that love & commitment and a whole "lifetime" were wasted with him, on him? it's a bum outlook - but some days i do, most days i don't (i guess, or why would i be bothering here)

it's allll soooo complex and convoluted isn't it-

i'm going to go work on some junk-removal- still trying with de-cluttering my life. maybe if i can just load car and get it out of my face- it will make me feel like i accomplished soemthing in life and quit moaning.

it's that kind of day- no faith, no hope- dreary getting sick and just a miserable sack of Sh_t in general. sorry for the downer-

have a nice day- thank you and drive thru please.....

xxo f.y.i. - (my post to you was saying same thing pretty much you just said- we'd recognize the signs and know what we were seeing - when we were seeing it. i agree- there is hope on that front- if we can wade thru this miserable period of our life and get thru it "to the other side" - hey, i need to remember and begin singing spirituals. had a teacher in grammar school who made us learn quite a few. it's the "theme" there: rotten life being a slave - but get thru it and there's Milk & honey on the other side. a good thought.

i want to feel more STRENGTH today and i want to feel more HOPE - AND REALLY, all i can muster is the pitiful knowledge that it won't kill me and one of these days, weeks, months, years - it will be done & gone and all a bad memory. somehow -some way...

how, when, what? idk

xxo

[nero]

okay-

more cake please - somehow positive today and even pleasant (so far)_ anyway.

been havin ups and downs. alot like loisb- i'd probably croak if i could not come here and get a bit of the "love" that is missing all of a sudden from my life. it either really is (as in nobody wants ya when you're down) or it's just my perception (have had that notion before in life- that when things are really really awful - nothing anyone says or does can "help" in any significant way- and YOU FEEL ALLLLL ALONE. NOT only ME- JUST the universal produce of feeling sooooooooooo miserable and tragic, etc.

Anyway- feeling a bit more "time and univers are all out there , rolling along, in it's own time, i'm just some little tiny bit of fluf in the whole scheme of thins- and that's okay and making me feel a bit "loser" in general today about what is going on in my life (or not) and how long it will take, when i'll arrive, etc.

it's nicer by far than feeling pressured like mad to - well, anything (like yesterday). today i'm at peace with notion that we are all who we are- and fine, as such. that we all roll along doing what we do, feel, etc. at our own pace. go forward, fall down, get back up, do better, - do worse, get back up, etc.

i guess regardless of what happens alllll around us with the people in ouyr lives , jobs, etc- we are destined to proceed at our own pace in our own way.

okay- not nuts today so going with it. many plans for this one day- as usual - waaaay too many , but hey, WAIT A MINUTE

I WAS going to say "it's who i am" , but realized i keep myself soooo pressured with this crappola - no wonder i'm a mad dog sometimes.

today i'm going with the whole "undoubtedly the universe is unfolding as it should- and i'm doing what i "should" and etc., and going to have a stinkin great day just doing what ever i do- and whatever tat is, it will be fine.

no one else is worried about cuttin me a break- it's MY JOB. YAY- pray for me , anyone- tht i hold this though and keep it close.

been toooo craZY TOO LONG.

XXOO- OHMMMMMMM - sickening old me at one with the universe (for this moment anyway) - grab that fly with your chopstick grasshopper.....

click - swat-click- swoosh,etc