Moved Back from Overseas to Figure This Out...

[planet]

Well, I can only speak from my own experience.
The whole WAW and OM relationship is forced onto LBH. They may keep it hidden for awhile but somehow or rather the LBH knows. It won't be long when they would have a relationship openly when they do not consider their relationship as an affair.

In my sitch, I build up my own fantasy. I saw my WAW and OM was just friends although all clues says otherwise. Later, I fantasized that my situation will turn around every week as I thought it was just a fling. I had insomnia for many months and it is most likely attributed to my unwillingness to accept my sitch in the subconscious level. I am stuck.

I haven't reach that stage where I've let go completely so I can't tell you what it is like. What I have done is that I do not place any expectations anymore on my situation changing anytime soon or change at all. I have accepted the relationship as real and it actually liberates me. I have been getting more and more hours of sleep. With that comes detachment. Whatever WAW does or does not, do not effect me as much emotionally.

Think of it as this. You are in a diner. Your food was served on a plate. There's a lovely vase on your table.
If the waiter is to take away the vase, you wouldn't mind at all. Doesn't effect you. You just live with the fact that you can't see the lovely vase anymore. You do not attach yourself to the vase.
If the waiter is to take away your plate. You will react to it because it is your food. It effects you. You have attachment.
True letting to me means that I will see my situation as the vase and no longer as the plate of food.

I really hope that I made sense to you. I'm Asian so I tend to see things spiritually.

[S4tk]

W left with the kids to visit her brother for 4 days so I have some time to consider what I want.

[S4tk]

Happy New Year everyone!

Today's Melody Beattie devotion about goal setting (on the Hazelden website) is really good motivation for us to spend some time renewing / considering the 180s and such in our lives:

http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/thought.view?catId=1904

I wish you all a joyful 2014, and for those like me who experienced a bomb drop in 2013 - I pray for a 2014 where we are living life in a more real way, enjoying the relationships we can be grateful for, and finding strength to either keep DBing or to make the decisions that are right for us.

[labug]

That book got me through some very difficult times.

That and When Things Fall Apart.

Best wishes for a peaceful New Year.

[S4tk]

That book got me through some very difficult times.

That and When Things Fall Apart.

Best wishes for a peaceful New Year.

Labug, I don't know you. But I am grateful for you. Thank you for investing in others on this forum through your advice and encouragement. I don't always like what you have to say, but it has kept me from acting impulsively and it has challenged me to keep looking inward when some moments all I do is want to blame my WAW.

Happy New Year and thank you.

[sandi2]

I wonder why it is termed as an illusion. WAW is in a relationship with OM. However crazy as it sounds the WAW is in love with this person. That feeling is as real as daylight. WAW is not in love with the LBH. That is real also.

Planet, are you speaking of WAW's in general, or his W?

[AnotherStander]

I wonder why it is termed as an illusion. WAW is in a relationship with OM. However crazy as it sounds the WAW is in love with this person. That feeling is as real as daylight. WAW is not in love with the LBH. That is real also.

Dismissing it as fantasy only serves to soothe the LBH's ego.

Well it's an "illusion" because often the affair is not grounded in the reality of relationships, it's based on an imaginary ideal. Married couples have to deal with a host of things together- paying bills, taking care of the kids, homework, discipline, caring for a house and yard, dealing with sick relatives and possibly needy relatives (both monitarily and emotionally) and a thousand other unpleasant, uncomfortable things. These things tend to push out the romantic aspects of the marriage and completely take over. The love dwindles. Affair partners deal with none of this. They get together long enough to fulfill each other's emotional needs and go back to their problem-filled lives. On the surface it seems like a perfect, loving relationship to those involved in it. Under the affair scenario it's easy to wear a lover's mask and not expose the partner to all the crap in your life. But eventually the mask starts slipping and at some point comes off and reality hits like a big ol' slap in the face. Most affairs do not survive the unmasking process. Once the illusion is stripped away, the WAS discovers that everything they thought they were running from is still front and center. They will then either seek out a new partner to perpetuate the illusion, or they will begin to do the hard work of exposing the REAL source of their unhappiness (within themselves). Sometimes that wakeup call brings them back to the LBS and sometimes it doesn't.

What it does is places the LBS in the wrong state of mind. It gives the LBH false sense of hope and it prolongs the 'acceptance' stage. LBH ultimately falls into his own trap.

Well, I wouldn't say it's a "false" sense of hope because there is valid reason for hope. Not all affair WAS's return, but enough do that there is a reason to hope.

[S4tk]

Just remember its all just an illusion, what she thinks is not what she knows. This guy is busy painting a pretty picture, she needs to see a pretty picture right now.

Let it play out, cause 90% of the time the fantasy comes crashing down. You cant have any part of it. She has to come to that realization on her own. That's why they call them fantasies, cause they never live up to the real thing.

So that nixes the idea of blowing up the secrecy and confronting. Most of the marriage experts I have read support the idea of confronting the WAS about an affair. Is MWD against this? DR doesn't explicitly address that, as far as I remember.

I hope you learned the two lessons here, 1. don't bring up ANY relationship talk, that just pushes her closer to him. 2. STOP snooping, cause the mind is a powerful tool to use against yourself.

I'm not sure how the R talk pushed her closer to or further from him. I think her limerence is pretty "full speed ahead" right now regardless.

And the snooping - I feel bad that I invaded her privacy. I am glad to know the truth. It has drawn me back into obsessing about what I want. But it seems to be helping me GAL and 180. So it is a mixed bag.

Detach, act "as if", get out and GAL, they're there for a reason. Time can be your friend if your putting in the work on YOU. Right now, are you the person only a fool would leave? then its time to get to work.

Well, I don't think any of us will ever ARRIVE at that "only a fool would leave" nirvana place, but I'm on the road!

[planet]

I wonder why it is termed as an illusion. WAW is in a relationship with OM. However crazy as it sounds the WAW is in love with this person. That feeling is as real as daylight. WAW is not in love with the LBH. That is real also.

Planet, are you speaking of WAW's in general, or his W?

WAWs in general. There's got to be 'in-love' feelings for the OM and 'out-of-love' feelings for LBH.

What it does is places the LBS in the wrong state of mind. It gives the LBH false sense of hope and it prolongs the 'acceptance' stage. LBH ultimately falls into his own trap.

Well, I wouldn't say it's a "false" sense of hope because there is valid reason for hope. Not all affair WAS's return, but enough do that there is a reason to hope.

I think LBH places too much importance on 'hope' and this just delays 'acceptance' and leads to prolonged hurt.
Does it even matter WAWs return or not. It is not an exciting prospect that they return still as their current selves.
I know this is a very cynical way to look at the situation in general but placing unnecessary thoughts and feelings for something that is not guaranteed is too much of a burden to carry at times. It is difficult to separate hope from expectations. We all know too well what expectations can lead to.

[labug]

Well, I don't think any of us will ever ARRIVE at that "only a fool would leave" nirvana place, but I'm on the road!

Hey, speak for yourself!

I think the confrontation thing comes down to a LRT. If you're done, you're done.