So in theory I know I SHOULDN'T be effected by the fact I saw my ex on match.com tonight...she looked at my profile and clicked to see who it was (there were no pictures on her profile) and in reading the content it was for sure her. It did sting quite a bit and I was (and am) admittedly jarred. I know I need to accept the fact that she is going to put herself out there and date - I certainly have....so it's not fair to hold double standards....but it still burned. I could for sure say more - but just don't know what to say right now. Part of me wonders why she bothered to look at my profile...and wonders what exactly went through her mind. No matter -- I know I need to just get over it.
Crimson
It's an awakening.
If she clicked on your profile, that means you are on the site also, right?
If I saw my XH's profile on a dating site, I'd click on it, I have no doubt.
Acknowlwedge that it burns and let it go.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Probably should not have posted last night - but it felt like a gut punch and this is a place where I go to vent so I don't text her or do something foolish along those lines.
Bug - I have acknowledged and am making peace with the "burn" of it. I am out there as well, you are correct. I certainly can't say that I am mad or anything that she is out there - it would be a blatant double standard. It was just a confirmation that she is out there looking again. And I know it shouldn't bother me - but it did.
Stander - I have dabbled in and out of dating and you're right, it is really tough at this stage of life. I have yet to really commit to it. In fact, I cancelled my membership a week ago and it expires mid-month. I also hear a lot from women about how terrible it is at this age to date. As you noted, there seems to be an ABUNDANCE of questionable men out there....a lot. My ego kicks in at times and I ask myself if I REALLY am a less desirable option to her than whatever is swimming in the dating pool.
Switching gears.....
Without going into too much detail, I expressed to XW that I am concerned about the emptional toll that splitting homes is having on S. There are some very obvious signs that he is struggling with it. Yesterday when I told him that XW was coming to pick him up from preschool he broke down. He was crying and sobbing that he wanted me to come get him....and bargaining even. When I tried to let go of him he would not let me go. I looked at his face and the sadness, hurt and despair was sooooo evident. He tried not to cry, but when I handed him to the aides he broke into huge tears screaming "I want my daddy!" -- I had to leave.....and again, I cried the whole way to work.
XW does not see this in the same way that I do because he is always excited to come back to my house or to see me...and outside of Christmas Eve (which was brutal) she has never seen it.
I let her know my concerns in a brief text and she replied asking if it was something that I would to to my IC about and she could attend. I said yes, and she asked me to try and set an appointment. It is the second time she has asked about going to my IC about something (previously she wanted to go regarding sharing the holidays). Not sure how to take that, but we'll see what happens. Certainly can't make things worse. If she ends up going, I tend to believe my IC would want to talk to her on her own first before we speak to her together.
Figured I would give a small update considering it has been awhile, plus I think I am experiencing a bit of anxiety that I need to work through -- and, believe it or not, posting does in fact help.
So if you look at the last paragraph in my last post that whole situation plays itself out today and tomorrow. I have my appointment with my IC today in the late afternoon and XW has hers tomorrow in the early evening. Just to give some context, there have been several (three, to be exact) incidents where XW has wanted to talk to my IC together. The most recent had to do with S, once it was about a homework assignment my IC gave me and asked that I share with her, and once was about the holidays.
My IC thought it would be best if XW went on her own first without me -- and truthfully, I think that was the best approach. I have been going to her for awhile now and I think everyone would be more comfortable if there was somewhat of an individual rapport in place. At a bare minimum, I don't want XW to think she is walking into an ambush where she gets beat up. Thanks to the folks here I know that I have a great IC and that is by no means the way she operates. I would figure that after one or two individual appointments maybe we would go in together if it makes sense to do so. I suspect that a lot of it will be about S, but I also think it is impossible to talk about S without discussing the two of us.
In many ways part of me wishes this is the help we would have gotten when she moved back in the spring (I hope you are reading this SM34). Even if it is just about S, we soooo needed a professional third party to help us navigate.
Over the course of this ordeal, I have learned to do my best to let go of outcomes but in doing so I struggle with the notion of "hope". I do not know what this pending dance with IC will bring, but hopefully it won't make things worse. Part of me finds it striking that she has been the one to repeatedly ask (or suggest) to go whenever things come up. Though I do know that I have said in writing before that if she is ever open to the notion of going to see my IC I would be supportive of it.
So why the anxiety? I guess because there is much uncertainty....and for me, hope mixed with uncertainty sometimes raises my anxiety level a notch or two. Don't get me wrong, I have surely gotten better about it - but I have not put all of that reaction to rest just yet.
In terms of how XW and I have been relating to one another, things have been friendly. You will all be pleased to know that I do not proactively reach out or write letters or anything like that anymore. I am giving her more space and distance than ever before. And when she contacts me I wait quite awhile before I respond. I have gotten pretty good at squashing my urge to say hi, or ask how she is doing.
Strangely enough, the other day she just texted me something really funny out of the blue. I responded and she laughed and said she was glad I thought it was funny because sometimes other people don't get her sense of humor. It was a minor thing, but it felt nice to hear from her about something that wasn't about S or something. Much later in the week I shared something with her that I saw that I thought was funny and we had a good laugh about it. I am grateful that at least we can still relate to one another in humor.
Thanks for listening. I feel a little less anxious. As always, any and all feedback is welcomed and appreciated. Are my "sherpas" 25 and Sandi still out there??
Hope you all are doing well and finding strength -
I can relate to your S going through problems, my S11 continues to have struggles with this as well. He tells me often that he hopes mom will still come home. He also expresses a lot of anger about OM being around so much. I just validate as best I can. I talked to W about his struggles and suggested IC for him (she has insurance for the kids since she works for an insurance company) and she said she'd look into it. I need to follow up on that as it's been a while.
Originally Posted By: Crimson
Strangely enough, the other day she just texted me something really funny out of the blue. I responded and she laughed and said she was glad I thought it was funny because sometimes other people don't get her sense of humor. It was a minor thing, but it felt nice to hear from her about something that wasn't about S or something.
The reconciliations that I know of that happened after long term S or even D started out this way, with friendly interactions. Joking and stuff. After BD the WAS and LBS are at such odds over everything that it's almost impossible to have a friendly, laid-back, pressure-free convo. So when you get to the point where that can happen again it reminds the WAS of why they were attracted to the LBS in the first place. I'm not saying it means reconcilation is imminent, one of my buddies was chatty with his W for a year before it went any further. But regardless, it's a good step.
Thank you, AS. The odd thing is, and I say "odd" to a lot of D couples that I have run into during this journey, that XW and I still like each other as people. True enough, there is some hurt there for sure but despite the flare-ups and tension that have popped up along the way we don't hate each other. SOOO many of the people that I have encountered (and or dated) along the way despise their ex. Granted, I do not know what the history is there - but more often than not there is an abundance of bad blood. I remember early on 25 saying that the past serves two purposes only.....lessons learned and loving memories. As time marches forward, I find myself reflecting back more on the awesome memories I had with my XW than the turmoil that we plowed through as things came apart. I would say in large part that that has a lot to do with the many things I have learned here. I don't expect any miracles, but at a minimum I am glad that no knives are being thrown - at least the climate is "right".
With regard to our S I do worry about him a lot and try to be as emotionally there for him as I can be. He is such, such, such a sensitive little guy. To be honest, I was the same way when I was his age and I remember the feelings -- so I feel as though I can relate well with him.
Hi friend. Yes, still here. Hope I am around anytime you need to reach out.
I think it's good that the two of you can find something to share laughter.
I know you feel anxious about her seeing your IC, and then the two of you seeing her together. Even if your XW were to think the IC would share XW's POV over issues with S, and/or that IC will help to change your mind.........it could turn out to help your XW in the end. (I hope that makes sense.). I really hope something will be said by IC that will encourage XW to seek further help for her personal issues (and not neccessarily related to son or you).
We will sure hope for a good outcome. I will be anxiously waiting to hear how things go.
(hugs)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for posting, Sandi. I both appreciate and miss your input....I wish you lived on my shoulder.
I, too, hope that maybe this will help XW get some help for her own issues. Of course, that would mean having to acknowledge them (which is very difficult - at least it was for me) and so far that has yet to really happen at a depth that would inspire her to work on herself. Still, -- I maintain hope on one level or another.
Sometimes I don't know if hope is my friend or enemy.
Because of our working schedules XW will have to meet with my IC at 6. Hence, I have to pick S up from school (which I am excited about) and spend some time with him. After that I have ti bring him back to XW when her appointment concludes as it is her weekend with him. This morning I got the following text:
"I anticipate S's transition back to me after appt might be rough...he prefers dad at this age. Anything you can do to keep it positive and matter-of-fact I would appreciate "
I think that is a soft reference to the emotional breakdown S had when I dropped him off on Christmas Eve - where he literally reached out for me and would not let me go and cried his eyes out screaming "I want my daddy!". In that moment, I held him in her doorway and tried to comfort him as best I could as he cried. As mentioned before, XW looked away (she was kind of tearing up as well). She looked at me and said "he suffers when we do this - just so you know". I think what she wanted me to do was just "drop-and-run" regardless of his feelings or the fact that he was crying for me. I chose to comfort him - and I would do that every single time. I think her asking for it to be "positive and matter of fact" it her asking my to not show any emotion and just walk away from him.
I think I will suggest we meet at a neutral spot and let him interact with both of us for awhile to make the transition less abrupt and painful for him.
I am long past the stage of assigning blame and pointing fingers, but I do wish at times that she would unbury her head a little and at least acknowledge that this is not the greatest deal for S. As I have said before, on BD she said "I wanted better than this for S!!" -- and the emotional hits he has to take at the age of 3 are not "better". Sorry if I am venting, but I hate to see him hurt.
Hopefully IC cab help us here.
I am still feeling anxious and just want this event to come and go. *sigh*
Thank you, GM - I sincerely appreciate your feedback. You are very correct - I need to narrow my focus to just the matter at hand which is making transitions better for son. I still have a very bad habit of getting too far ahead of myself in matters like this.
I am not a fan of drop-and-run when S is clearly struggling with his emotions. I just can't do it....it's bad for all parties involved. I get frustrated because sometimes I believe XW thinks that it is the best path to take - but I believe she feels that way because it means less time she has to actually see him physically struggling with the separation. It's literally sticking your head in the sand......I am not going to do that for him.
So in response to her earlier text about making the transition "positive and matter-of-fact" I responded:
Me: I would suggest we meet someplace and spend some time together interacting as a trio to make the transition easier -- then go our separate ways. He's usually a bit more happy with mom and dad both with him -- he loves us both.
XW: OK. Just talking with him this morning he was not pleased with the idea of coming back to me after my appointment. Must be nice to be the "preferred" on...LOL
Me: I'm grateful S and I have such an amazing bond. Two years ago I wasn't at all on a path that would have created that.
XW: I'm grateful too
Now, what I WANTED to say after that was that being "preferred" isn't all that great because I have to watch his sadness set in when he knows we are parting ways and have to try to comfort him as he tries his best not to cry. I kept those thoughts to myself. At any rate, it will be nice to see him happy with both of us today even if it is just for a little bit.
"I anticipate S's transition back to me after appt might be rough...he prefers dad at this age. Anything you can do to keep it positive and matter-of-fact I would appreciate "
Hey Crimson,
I am wondering if you might be projecting these feelings onto your son, since you are already anticipating it to be difficult. Kids are intuitive. They pick up on these things.
I am curious to know how you carry yourself during these interactions and exchanges. I realize these situations suk, however it is reality at the moment.
By what I can gather, you fight the "why do things have to be this way, when they can be better?". It is what you hope for versus the reality, if that makes sense.
You are part of the equation in these exchanges and I am unsure if you are making the situation better or more difficult for your S.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Crimson - I know how hard it is when your S is upset and your W is not great at handling it. My H does the same thing a lot of the time. My kids will cry that they only want mommy to do something and my H will just say fine and go to walk away. H just gives up and takes offense. He hates when the kids cry (probably because he never deals with him own emotions). It always frustrates me because my boys are so easy to distract. My H could easily tell them that he will show them something special or read them a book and the tears would dry up and the kids would be thrilled. I have nicely explained this several times and asked for cooperation (because it often leaves me trying to put all three kids to bed alone at the same time if they are all crying for me). I think that he is finally getting it. I think that your suggestions to your XW were great. I also dont believe in just leaving your S when he is upset. It always makes the situation worse for my boys.
