thanks for note and sayin nice stuff about me. i can think i'm swell til the cows come home- if i can't use it or people can't see it enough to make my r's happy and make me happy (tho i listen alot nd someone ends up "relieved" if not happy or saved() - what the heck good is it?
i think I am and have alwasy been "too easy" and it's (i'm) just not a challenge. i'm not making anyone work really hard to have love from me, or friendship or loyalty, etc. well- it's a challenge maybe to appreciate me - because i'm not makin anyone work "hard enough" to EARN my affection or love. and thereby make it feel VALUABLE. (I THINK HERE- ) THO, i think in life- it's an awful life if everything we have or get has to be EARNED ALL THE time- who the heck DESERVES everything they need or want or get??? who the heck should have to work really really hard to "earn" love or friendship, etc.
i've wondered before if i expect too much from people in the dedication & loyalty department. i can give it- maybe other people can't tho - can't just overlook crummo qualities in favor of the bigger piCture. Heaven knows- i'm no saint- i'm not so bad tho either? YA GOTTA WONDER WHAT THE HECK IT IS PEOPLE WANT ANYWAY??? I JUST think i do onto others kind of thing, clueless today about self...
i'm feelin rather wonky this morning- brain allover the place and washed over with sadness about the seemingly unfixable drifting away of h. MAYBE only once in 38 or so years have we gone this many days without talking- i'm dragged down by this crappola- tired.. (tho excited snow is coming and feeling cozy inside my little house.
just sad that he is so (i think) foolishly being washed away with his infatuation and need to be saving other people.
he compliments me all the time for being self-sufficient and how much he admires it- and then, what? he's off trying to save ow and several friends and create a need for himself. certainly knowing he's the most important person in my life and crucial to my happiness is SOMETHING- YET - not to him. it's pitiful really- can't strike a balance. he retired himself and took himself away fromjob - now is floating without a purpose for want of it- and what? blaming me, replacing me with needy people? idk- i canj't get it all
it's just such a stinking shame.
See my ego, it's still there. i'll go to my grave thinking i was a great life companion and someone that one could easily spend a lifetime with and should be glad to have the option.-
oh well- my pearls - those darn swine>>>!!!???
need to go think snow & pretty and cozy and let go of this tramatation junk.....
here comes susie snowflake- dressed in a snow white gown- tap tap tapping on your window pane - to tell you she's in town...
hum hum hummmm, deee dee dohh, etc.... twirl twirl- we're all in first grade spinning wildly around on the auditorium floor in the winter "show" - ^& singing like mad.
do you think any of us EVER really can see ourselves accurately? can we ever know really what we're like to the rest of the world? just wonderin....
If it's any consolation, I feel the same. Actually woke up this morning and thought, okay:
I am not unfortunate in the looks, smarts, or physical category. I am funny, fast, know enough about a lot to converse and am willing to learn more. I have a lot of interests
So bite me, I am an awesome life partner...and so are you
H also has the save the day syndrome. If he can be fixing someone he is happy. But then he empties himself and doesn't save anything for him. Which is what he is trying to do right now, but I get ripped off while he tries to find that balance.
I always think of the line from the OD song:
The story of my life I give her hope I spend her love Until she's broke Inside
Blech. Just to say you are not alone here. And have you ever thought of writing? I would so read your stuff
oh man- once i thought i'd write something - then when i sat down - i couldn't think of what in the world i had to say- about anything...
idk- how writers do it- how you direct it- SUMMON IT.
me, i'm back to rant a bit- it's pathetic i know- but at this moment i feel like my entire guts may just burst out- ka boom. so long & that's all folks.
just was in attic ratting around- trying like mad (succeeding less like mad) to pile up junk and get rid of it.
so phone in my pocket= ( i thought perhaps work will crawl out of woodwork)- and pick it up and it's h.
soooo- stupid stupid me, we get into convo- i "go there" - remain calm both of us pretty much, but it was awful. I NEEEED to touch base with this damn man and have some sort of "contact" - neeeed it. I don't say that to him- but i feel it inside- and i hate myself for knowing it- he's been such the hugest part of my life- i can't seem to let it go- not enough anyway- apparently
even tho he's nuts and cheating and sometimes i hate him for what he's doing to me- i see him as my family and a rock in my life (as well as his aunt saying i'm a rock in his)-
it's sick, and i know it - but there you have it. i cann't seem to bring myself to say so long. we got to a few places where i could have quite easily- and the words stick in my throat. he doesn't care - he prefers i stay in his life- but i'm welcome to go if the demand is her or me.
i'm soooo insulted and upset and FRUSTRATED SO MUCH I COULD SCREAM- AND THERE'S NOT ONE DARN THING IN THE UNIVESE I CAN DO TO STOP IT- CHANGE IT- MOVE IT ALONG- NOTHING. NOTHING.
EVEN IF I WON A LOTTERY TOMORROW- I CAN'T FIX THIS WITH MONEY- OH MAN- IF YOU CN'T EVEN THINK TO SELF THAT YOU COULD FIX IT "IF ONLY" - AND THERE'S NOT ONE STINKING "IF ONLY" LOOMING OUT THERE.
AUURRRGGHHHHHHHHHHH.......... I'M GOING TO GO WALK SO I DO NOT EXPLODE HERE- AND WILL COME BACK LATER. SORrY FOR RANT MAN (& WORLD-)_ I'M JUST PPFFSSSSTTTTTTT..... SIZZLING AWAY and sorry to have heard it- sorry to have succummbed to my "neeeed" - wish i could rub the bottle and have a wonderful man/companion pop into existence, can't even have a stinkin magic lantern- can't have nothin- NOTHING-
AMD yeah, it could be worse, blah blah blah- even reasonableness and list of good stuff isn't helping rite now-
Nero, When you are ready to let him go, you will. Don't beat yourself up because you still think you need him to be in touch w/you. Sometimes it takes a long time to say I'm dropping the rope and moving along w/my life.
Use your anger and frustration to continue cleaning. When you are done, you'll be amazed at what you've accomplished.
Come here to vent, etc., we all have traveled the road you are on and we do understand.
Please be careful lifting and moving heavy objects.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Be very careful lifting when angry, because some of those things slip right out and smash against the walls...;)
Explain "Go there" if you would.
just write about one day how a man said ILYBINILWY to his wife and the amazing journey she went on....make her amazing. Make her you or who you are becoming
You know, Nero, I can say all these positive things to you, like I do.
I dont think that's what you need to hear right now. The truth is, that he isnt saying anything to you that you dont already know, that he hasnt said or made you feel in one or another, right? This isnt new information.
I understand that you arent ready to let him go. And that is making you upset with yourself. If you arent ready, you arent, Nero. And its ok.
My friend, I do not agree with what you wrote regarding the knowledge of how special you are and what good is it if you cant have this relationship.
Who you were was plenty good for him for a long time. And then all his stuff came to the surface and he broke.
That doesnt negate all the years with him. It doesnt suddenly make you less special. What it does is make it hard for him to see beyond all his crap.
Hanging on, walking away or doing nothing are all choices.When the pain of how you feel outweighs the thought of letting him go, that is when you will let go.
Please dont let this define your life. Dont let it make you feel less than or unworthy.
No one get to do that to us unless we allow it. Dont allow it.
again, man I am still constantly amazed at your introspection. really. would love to meet you! I can't read so much, there never seems to be enough time(isn't that a song>) but I do say I think you hit the nail on the head anyway as far as my feelings go. Should I stay or should I leave( isn't that another song?)
anyway. I know you have your mom to deal with. My pldest sister does most for my mom. Really she is great- my sister. She and my 3 other sisters are in same town as my mom. I am the only one that is not.( moved a lot- the h's job) but, my sibs really do a lot. I am thankful for them. I try and get to town when I can.its either a flight or 10hr car drive. But, what I started to say was everytime I try and spend some time on the computer my d comes looking for me!
love her. thank God for her. She is my constant.
went to C today with s20. he's having the hardest time with this. he is willing to talk. he has had to view his hero made human. its tough.
That is what I could kick h's #ss for. well and then there is the turmoil of all this rap.
thanks for sharing. d is wanting dinner...gotta go
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
sorry, i forget myself and type like i talk- i can be confusing & half @ss. "go there" would be - "the r talk" or some variation. never , ever a good place for us to go. i ask & say same things- h has nothing to offer, as usual. it's sad that two people who spent sooo many years and have soo many good memories and things they've shared- can be sooo "stilted" due to his, incredible greed & stupidity (mild version). is it really mlc/.? is it just crap? idk anymore. i get the feeling he's still "attached" tome no matter what he says- i could be wrong about all this- i've been on a bad roll of misjudging my audience. it still surprises me- i think i'll never be able to totally "swallow" it all.
ooh well- that's my loose screw.
he said in same talk that his view of me in his life is "i am his "home". so, that's not bad is it? i am really. but then he manages to also say if i were to demand he get rid of ow- or me- he'd let me walk! he says same thing applies to her- what an f'er huhh? thanks so much man- i feel soooo treasured. then he says he'd prefer i stay in his life- i say i want a rock too- he says he can be a rock sort of but not my end all be all- thanks again. did i say end all be all> i don't think so. i say i'm feeling amazingly delicate about this all- all the time- like i may end up homeless any minute. he says i never have to worry about a home to live in. i guess it's "something" but what would that be? really?
i can't think what else - i wish i could remember a bit better when we cover so much territory of too delicate and touchy a subject. my brain just is toooo involved to actually store anything much. l
since i am spending quite a bit of my existence being too tired lately- we made each other exhausted . at least we didn't get to yelling- i swear - i can't "do this" anymore (so i say daily - a bunch of times)
you're cute- the only thing amazing about me is how amazingly screwed up i probably am and how amazingly convoluted my brain can get sorting thru the $hit that is my day to day life. twirl away. so, like, is neurosis the new "normal?" i have a friend whose always telling me that "60 is the new 40" - duhhhhhh wtf??? me, i'd rather be 40 - or normal.
i'll be careful lifting things - i'm outta here - too tired to function.
you're rite - i was thinking as i asked him anything - that i knew what the answers would be. why i need to search for something- idk i do tho - do it.
oh well- too darn tired to feel badly tonite - thjanks as usual- ya know, nah- nevermind, im jst too tired to think tonite.
Nero, I cannot tell you how strongly I relate to so much of what you post. The dislocation of all that we think of as 'normal' is intense. The way you write actually conveys that sense more clearly than my prose style, but that is the way I process information. If you see what I mean?
Nero, their MLC brains are mush. The problem for many of us is that we do not fully ;believe' in MLC. I often think that either it is me that has got it all wrong. Or that our marriage fell apart and I am 'relying' on MLC as an explanation to avoid facing a more painful reality. Even though my xh has changed beyond all recognition to almost everyone who knows him . . . .
You are not crazy, but I would advise checking your legal position carefully, while your partner is still in (relatively) generous mode. This can change. My xh sometimes reminds me of the White Queen in Alice - he appears to be able to believe in six impossible things before breakfast
They do not know what they feel (I believe) or they bury it. It is a mess. Wish I could say something more comforting. But you are great, and your h is mad to be risking losing you.
