Crimson.....just checkin' in again.

[Crimson]

Her sister was married about a year after us and divorced two years before us. She is now remarried and has two step children, but none of her own. I have met her new husband and we get along really well, his kids are great too. I truly have no problems with any of them at all -- truth be told part of me still misses her sister a lot - we got along very well.

I don't think that XW meant anything by it - she clearly did not know the guard rails that we have to stay in. I guess that's why I didn't snap or anything (I never do) - I just firmly stood my position. I think I get frustrated sometimes because I feel as if I am the only one that ever bothered to read and abide by the divorce agreement. I know this will sound snarky, so I apologize in advance - but when it comes to $$$ and what she is owed - she knows exactly what is going on. In matters of custody and parenting time - she seems lost....hence she thought she had Thanksgiving this year up until two days before, hence she didn't have time for him and gave him to her sister...and so on. It think I am further frustrated by the amount of time she assumed was OK to take him for the Holidays - 12/25 through 1/5. I mean, that is LITERALLY his entire Christmas break from pre-school...all of it....zero consideration for dad at all. What's more is that she felt SLIGHTED when I wouldn't let it happen this year. Almost as if me giving her my time was an expectation....an entitelment. I think that is why my level of sensitivity around parenting time is heightened right now. I feel as though as far as his time with me goes she views me as an afterthought.

Crimson

[sandi2]

Crimson, many people out there (and here) are operating from their unmet needs, usually from early in their life. It seems, and this is merely descriptive, your W is acting like a 2 yr old who hasn't gotten her way. Eventually most 2 yr olds learn that they don't always get their way. Some don't and they carry that with them into adulthood.

Until she's able to recognize that and see it as harmful, she won't change. It's all she knows. You can't change her but you can stand your ground. Don't be afraid of her. If she gets mad, she gets mad.

I have empathy for your W, she's an unhappy woman, she's said so herself but she doesn't know how to break out of it. That's hers. She will continue to be unhappy whether he goes to Iowa with her of not. That will not be the magic pill to make her life better.

You however can choose a good life filled with good times, you have the tools.

Totally, totally....TOTALLY agree!

I accept that she is not a project to fix, I think I am just trying to pull out of the notion that I need to prove myself to her as "not-the-man-she-left". Seems like she gets it sometimes - and still others she can somehow revert back to "we are toxic and unhealthy". Seems as if as long as I am caving in and giving her what she wants I am a good guy. Not good enough for R or rebuilding - but good. When I stand my ground, well, I am "unhealthy" and manipulative.

This really bothers me, Crimson. First, you haven't been able to end that emotional responsibility of trying to make everything around better in hopes it might cause her to be a bit happier. Second, when you first came here, you were trying to prove to her how you much you could change....in hopes she would not go through with the D. Then, you kept wanted to prove to her your changes in hopes that it would cause her to see the new you and she would want to R. Now, two years later, and you are wanted to prove to her you are not the man she left! So really, you were never able to get beyond the point of not making the changes for her. You're still making them about her. However, I'm coming up to the third reason this causes me concern. I've read several statements you've made that sounds as if you put too much importance upon her measure of you being a good man. I understand that when a couple is M that no other person's opinion or acceptance matters as much as that of the spouse. Perhaps that never completely goes away (outside of feeling hatred), IDK. It is tragic b/c everyone else seems to see what a good guy you truly are.

IMO, you caving in to her wishes has never made you a good or better person (unless it was in the very beginning of the stitch when you were learning to see somewhat selfish points in the past). I believe she knows exactly what you are trying to do (proving you've changed)and she knows she can use this to her advantage. After all, she has gotten pretty much her way for two years of co-parenting. Does she think any more of you after giving up your time when she wanted extra days or to have certain holidays or travel out of state? Obviously not. All she has to do is choose a few words to let you know you aren't good enough to R, and it tears you apart. That is emotional manipulation!

You know what's bad about spoiling a child by caving into their wishes all the time? They usually grow up spoiled, manipulative adults who continue to expect others (especially the one who did the spoiling) to comply with whatever they want. It is very unattractive.

"Please refrain from telling me you are coming from a kind and caring place. That may make you feel better about yourself, but your actions speak otherwise. Kind and caring must mean something different to you than it does to me".

Again, this emotional manipulation b/c she knew it would hurt your feelings. And it did.

Side note - I haven't heard much of a peep from her since Tuesday when she picked up S. Usually I'd have at least gotten a text from her or something....

She was sulking.

The fact that she texted me to ask if that way my "final decision" even after reading my e-mail tells me that she really, really wanted to take him and is probably struggling not being able to do so. She didn't, however, lash out. She told me that she wasn't going to celebrate Christmas with him until she went to IA with him...so I guess that is why she didn't mmind giving up Christmas...I mean, it sux, but she was willing to do it.

I know I am not the only one who sees through this. Look, she was expecting you to do just like you've done the past two years. Now, she's waiting for the guilt to set in on you. Don't you dare feel guilty over sticking to your guns.

I derive no pleasure from her unhappiness and certainly not my own.

We know. ((hug)) And....Crimson, that statement above is what makes the difference between really good people from the selfish ones.

Many here have said that I have gone out of my way to keep XW from having to feel all of the fall-out from her decision to leave -

You did. I think it ran over into a mixture of trying to keep her happy and not pushing her away more (in your opinion)and protecting her, that kept you tied to her emotionally.

I am starting to see that my being overly accommodating has not helped much.

Good!

At this point if she does not see me as a "good" man - she never will.

B/c you told her "no" for once? If it only takes one no to determine in her mind that you are not a "good" man, then her mentally is unhealthy.

I stepped into her doorway and greeted S, but she BARELY addressed me. She spoke to S "tell daddy this, tell daddy that"

My assumption would be that she is still angry that I did not let her take Thanksgiving and trade Christmas for it. Of course, paired with the fact I didn't let her have the multi-day holiday bonanza with my S in IA this year.

LOL! You think?

I don't know, folks. Between me standing my ground on her trying to take him to IA for most of his holiday break (essentially expecting me to give her some of my days), having to hold the line on keeping him for Thanksgiving (she failed to read the divorce agreement that said I had him this year), and now this -- I feel like sure, I am holding my ground. But at the same time I feel like I am pushing her away.

Pushing her away from WHAT?

I am really trying to drop the rope again....and keep it "dropped". It's just hard because in my heart - I stiil miss her to this day...I feel weak because I still do.

Sweetie, listen to me, please. You are not a weak man b/c you love her or still miss her. It's the feeling that you are doing something that "pushes her away" that causes you to doubt yourself and not to stick to your boundaries....that you've said in your own words "is best". You have a little boy who will be watching his daddy to see the role model for men in life's relationships. Doing what is best doesn't mean we have to like it or feel good about it. Sure makes it a lot easier when we do, but it just doesn't always happen that way. And even giving over to his mother's wishes every time won't cause him to love you more or teach him to be a better man.

Just as her opinion doesn't determine whether you are a good man or not, neither does admitting to caring for her make you weak. You have come a long way these past two years. Seems like a lifetime, doesn't it? When you measure your personal mileage, it's been a long trip.

You aren't pushing her away b/c she's the one choosing to move backward. And if the two of you want to make changes on the co-parenting agreement, then it should be done some other time when holidays or vacations aren't pressing the issue.

(((hugs)))

[swoop]

Excellent, Sandi2!

[Crimson]

Thank you so much for your insight, Sandi. It always, always helps. Let me say that again...ALWAYS.

I can see for sure how it appears that my changes were for her because I want her to see them and acknowledge them as real....as material. At the same time, though, she has yet to view them that way (or at least that is what I see/feel...I could be wrong). However, I don't see myself slipping backwards into where I was. And even in some of the minor relationships I have found myself in I see a lot of those changes coming to life and actually appreciated and refreshing to some women. Granted, I still don't think I am ready for a serious relationship yet. So to that end, though I do want her to notice - I think that they were made for me with her as the catalyst. I say that because I remain vigiliant about keeping my changes going, I NEVER want to have the old me impact another relationship like this again, and I actually like being new me. I am for SURE a work in process on this journey still -- but I like my changes. But yes -- I wish she liked them as well and saw them as worth returning to -- so I 100% see your point. I need to stop making it about her...even a little bit.

When you ask "pushing away from what?" I think the answer is me. But as many here have said - including you, I am not pushing, she is backing away. It's such a childish notion "I need her to like me"....but I have a hard time fighting it.

Crimson

[Crimson]

I guess I am just kind of journaling to try to get an understanding of me feelings these last few days -- that said, I can't seem to shake the unpleasant anxious feeling in my stomach and chest. It's really odd because just a week ago I was feeling super confident and positive -- not sure where that guy went! If I try to dig into why I am feeling this way I am finding that it *may* center around interactions and interacting with XW. I think part of me wants them to be positive and encouraging - but recently she seems to be very cold and business-like for the most part. It seems like quite a notable shift. And with the onset of the holidays I think there is part of me that is just anxious because I deeply want (still) for us to be able to do things as a family with our S....and to that end, I feel like when he is away from me I am missing out on how he is experiencing the holidays. When I think about what I am missing with him I feel that anxious knot in my stomach tighten. I suppose "missing out on parts of my son's life" has been a constant, hard-to-deal-with theme for me since this akk began....holidays just shine a bright spot on it. Please don't think I am falling apart - I'm not. I think I am just feeling more these last few weeks. Trying to get my arms and brain around it.

Crimson

[Crimson]

So I suppose I just need help and direction here.....maybe just to vent and get a few things off my chest as well.

So this was not my Christmas to have S this year. I had him till 6 Christmas Eve and then had to drop him off with XW. We had an awesome two days together - my sister is in town with her kids and husband and he played his heart out with his cousins. We went to the candle light Christmas Eve service at 5:00. As we were leaving, he reminded me that I hadn't given santa my list - I told him he was the best gift I ever received so I didn't really want anything! In my heart I knew I was about to give him bad news.

As we were driving away he asked if we were gong back to see his cousins -- I said, "no buddy - we have to go to mom's". His mood changed instantly. He started crying and saying "I don't want to go to mama's!" over and over again. It wasn't a fake cry...I have learned the difference.

He begged me not to take him, he told me he wanted to stay with me, he said his "mom said he could stay with me", asked if he could only stay at his mom's for one minute. All through gigantic tears. As we got closer....the cries got sadder and sadder....he said he did want to see him mother, and then said he hated her. I told him that was not a nice thing to say because she loves him.

When we arrived she literally had to peel him off of me. He was crying...then he calmed down for a minute. He asked me for a hug and a kiss and a head-butt (our little "thing") - so I picked him up. At this point, the tears in my eyes were evident. He gave me a giant squeeze and I put him down. As I turned to walk away, he broke down and cried so hard....he ran right for me with his arms outstretched and wrapped them around my legs - crying "I want my daddy!!" over and over. All I could do was pick him up again and hold him....my tears were flowing but I was silent. I just rubbed his back and said "I know, I know" over and over again. I looked at XW and she was looking away on purpose...staring at the ceiling. Then she looked at me, almost frustratingly or angry, and said "He suffers when we do this! Just so you know!". I handed him to her, he was screaming in tears - and the door closed. I heard him still screaming "I want my daddy!".

I made it to my car and sobbed harder than I can remember doing in awhile. My heart was absolutely in a billion pieces. And then her statement of "he suffers when we do this - just so you know!" infuriated me. Really?! He was sad, hurting, didn't want to leave his dad...and she insinuates that saying good bye, hugging him, acknowledging his hurt, and trying to comfort him causes suffering?? I my mind she has driven a wedge between a father and son that tears at his heart and mine - and I caused suffering?? Where is the accountability on her end? When she left she said she wanted "better" for our son....this is not better....it just isn't.

I made it to my parents house and tried to ignore my feelings.

I woke up at home this morning to a call from S. He was excited about what Santa had brought him. We had a nice little talk for a minute or two and he told me he loved me and missed me.

I have been spending the day at my parents house with my sister and her family. I get S back tomorrow so the following text exchange happened.

Me: Is 9:00 tomorrow morning OK?

X: 11:00 works.

Me: That's a little late - just a bit before his nap time. I was a hoping to do presents with him. In the agreement "days" begin at 8:00. I thought 9:00 was being reasonable.

X: OK - are you picking him up?

Me: No. I dropped him off to you, I don't think I have to pick him up too.

X: OK, Crimson (with that, I could tell she was getting angry)

X: Seems odd that I am giving you extra days and you expect I bring him also, but whatever creates less stress for S I will do.

Me: You're not giving me extra days. Didn't we trade Thursday/Friday so you could have my Monday/Tuesday (traveling to IA)? If I'm wrong let me know.

X: I would like to end this text exchange. I will bring him to you tomorrow at 9:00 AM.

Instantly, I felt guilt and anxiety. I questioned if I just did something wrong! I wasn't rude, I wasn't disrespectful.....I felt like I stood my group again and she got angry. I also think that the "Whatever is less stressful for S" was a jab at the exchange last night where he was sobbing. Why do I always feel like the bad guy??

I need help understanding. I feel like our relationship (not "relationship", but how we relate and communicate) has been getting worse ever since I started sticking up for my time....sticking up for myself and not caving. And somehow I feel the worse for it. As if I am making her mad. As if I am the bad guy.

In the past I DID bend a lot in the name of making amends and trying to show her that things could b different and that we could work together within the context of a new relationship. It didn't really do much.....just left me hurting from giving up so much and missing my son. Things between us don't even seem very friendly right now. I don't know what to do right now. I know I am not going to cave on things anymore -- but part of me feels like she is angry because things are starting to look and function like a true "divorced" couple with a kid.

I hate feeling this way.....damned if you do, damned if you don't. I hate feeling like the bad guy...I hate missing my son.

I hate the impact that this is having on my son....I hate having to have my heart and his broken when we part ways. Christmas Eve was brutal. In the past when I have tried to share my concerns about how he reacts to things (in particular, one very hard drop off at school when he knew she was coming to get him and freaked) and she says "I am not going to assign adult emotions to a three-year-olds antics. She called them "antics". Is as if she can stomach it if she turns her head (literally sometimes) and pretends that it is me causing the problems or making too much of it. I have a very sensitive son, he feels things....she knows that. And yet she tells ME that "he suffers"? How can a mother see her child in that much pain like she did on Christmas Eve and not wonder if this is the right path?? I sure as hell couldn't. Unless I buried my head in the sand, which seems to be what she has chosen.

I am really sorry for venting and the novel...I just had a lot to get out and it has had me sad for awhile. Just needing help and guidance.

Crimson

[makingmagic]

((hugs)) Crimson.

I think you handled the exchange well. Not sure what the vets would say... I will follow up.

Meanwhile (((((((HUGS)))))))

[2stubborn2quit]

I'm no vet but your son is more important than her…if she tries some sick game where you win nice behaviour from her when you give up time with your son, please do yourself a favour and lose that game by a mile.

[LITB]

Crimson,

You are doing well keeping to your boundaries. She continues to behave like a petulant child when she doesn't get her way. I am confident she knows that her behavior hurts you. Perhaps subconsciously. When she doesn't get her way, she plays on your emotions to "teach you lessons".

Continue being a great dad and lead with confidence. Confidence in knowing that you are being the best father you possibly can be. Your X will do whatever she does. Her actions are not your cross to bear. I'm sure she sees that your son is hurt, however she refuses to be accountable and chooses to shift the blame to you.

Keep doing your thing. She can avoid reality, but she can't avoid the consequences of the reality of her choices. Stick to your guns Crimson.

[Crimson]

Thanks, GM and LITB. I respect both of you so much.

I guess it just got worse. As I was packing up my stuff to leave my parents place my mom asked what time XW would be dropping off my S. I told her 9:00. She said that she want everyone (her, my dad, my BIL, sister, niece a nephew) to be there when he sees and opens his presents. My mom and sister still harbor negative feelings towards my XW. I basically asked that my mom let just me be at the house when she drops him off -- they could come by 10-15 after. I just wanted to avoid the tension.

My mom lost her sh*t.

She accused me of wanting to keep them away so I could open presents with XW, she called it a slight to her and said it "sux"....laid on the guilt and and said everyone worked so hard to wrap son's presents. She went off on me. I just took it without raising my voice -- I tried to explain, but she wasn't having it. I just said "I love you anyway, mom." -- and turned to walk away. She responded by saying "F*ck you!".

Yep - that hurt. I just went to my car in the driveway to leave. I turned the ignition and my mom busts out of the garage and throws the laundry basket I used to carry gifts back and forth onto the hood of my car rather forcefully and storms back into the house. Yep. That happened.

XW p*ssed at me, mom p*ssed at me....all from me trying to do the "right" things. Right now I just want to go upstairs and bury my face in the bed. I feel like I can't win and am being tested to the limits of what I can handle. I feel.....numb.

Crimson




So this was not my Christmas to have S this year. I had him till 6 Christmas Eve and then had to drop him off with XW. We had an awesome two days together - my sister is in town with her kids and husband and he played his heart out with his cousins. We went to the candle light Christmas Eve service at 5:00. As we were leaving, he reminded me that I hadn't given santa my list - I told him he was the best gift I ever received so I didn't really want anything! smile In my heart I knew I was about to give him bad news.