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[job]

I agree. Breathe! You do not need to respond right away. This can wait for a day or so. In fact, I'd sleep on it until the day after Christmas. This mess has been brewing for quite a while and there is not quick or easy fix to it.

I don't know what your daughters are doing in the way of employment, but they are going to have to help out when it comes to their expenses. The one I believe is in college...but what is the older one doing? She's old enough to take care of her own expenses even if it means working in fast food place until something else comes along. You can't squeeze money or blood out of a turnip. The well is running dry very quickly. You and your h can't continue to rescue them financially because there is nothing left and you need to survive as well.

Again, I am very, very sorry that snowball is going down hill very fast, but the reality of it all is there is no money to be spread around and no matte what you do, it will not be enough to pay off the debt that has been incurred long term. So, please sleep on this for a couple of days. You need to calm down and take each piece of the puzzle and look at it...not the entire pie.

Ambivalent, you can't fix this problem by yourself. All four of you will have to pull your resources together in order to keep afloat just a wee bit longer.

[Ambivalent]

Rosa,

My oldest is not very stable, and very entitled. She is living with the cruel reality of passing on what education opportunities we provided for her. She is miserable, and yes, she does not like me...She loves me, but she doesn't like me.

No, she didn't ask to have the conversation private. She also is 26 and there is nothing that can be done unless she seeks help. She has OCD and depression, she won't take meds and she won't seek help.

As for myself and my dogs, that is what is troubling me. This is so stressful, and right now I want to kick him in the teeth, and hug him at the same time.

I am just reeling and trying to hold it together.

[Ambivalent]

My oldest has found a job, but she refuses to stop coming to her "daddy" for help. Add to that, he enables her by bailing her out EVERY SINGLE TIME. My second is going to school full time, has taken a part-time job, and has already applied for a second job. Between the two, my second has the work ethic.

I cannot control what my husband does with the money. My oldest fills my husband's need to have someone see him as a hero, or needed.

I on the other hand, am a burden because he's done with me. SO frustrating. I know the secrets and it's going to get worse as he finds out how much I now know.

Yes I want to pay for some of the bills, I want him to see that there ARE other ways and not to just give up due to his inability to see other options.

I am not going to let them ruin our Christmas. I'm just dealing with so much at one time. I am trying to keep my head as well as thinking as creatively as I can. The sooner the better.

I just want a commitment that he'll continue and not let it go under. If I can get that, I can immediately place ads. This will ease some pressure.

This is why I want to respond sooner, so he pays December and doesn't dig a deeper hole.

I hope this makes sense, this house has many options for income, shelter, and future funds ( I have berries, and other flora from which I make things to sell ).That alone can pay for either heating propane or even someone to mow the property.
So time IS of the essence while keeping the lines open and keep things from getting to the point of no return.

I don't want to file for divorce, I would RATHER go for a separation agreement. It would buy time, for me with the house while not having to scramble to find a home; and possibly him to go further through the tunnel ( I'm not counting on it, but it IS a possibility ) . It would ease some stress and allow me to prove I can do it.

That is why I would like some suggestions as to share how I can contribute and that it isn't as bleak as it seems.

[Feenix]

Hey, A.
Wow... You have a lot of crap all hitting you at the same time.

Please, please take a deep breath and take care of yourself.

You do not have to make any decisions about anything tonight.

Find something relaxing to do... Read a fun book, take a bath, watch a movie or some mindless TV... Do anything that will take your mind off your kids and your H.

No matter what your kids or H think about you right now, YOU are important. YOU matter. YOU are worthy of respect and love. And, you ARE going to get through this and be okay!

We will be here for you in any way we can. Sending hugs!

[tigerlily78]

Wow Ambi... that is quite a load of crap you are dealing with and you don't deserve any of it. How you can find so much compassion and understanding for your H for his part in the financial bit is really evidence of what a wonderful person you are... I don't know if I could find that strength of character in your shoes. You are REALLY a strong and remarkable woman. No matter what happens with the debt and the house and your H... you are going to be okay. It is just money. It seems like A LOT of money right now, but there are still options. That you are proactively thinking of solutions is good. That's what you need to be doing.

I understand you want to keep the house... that is completely understandable and it seems like you have a number of ideas for trying to make that possible. I don't know the "best" way to convey these ideas to your H. Perhaps just a plea... pay this month and give me the next 30 days to figure out how much more money I can swing. Give me that chance, please. If your H files for Chapter 13, then your home may be exempted from collection... but then he will REALLY have to get his "stuff" together and be serious about settlement and repayment.

Also, on the tax thing... The IRS does do installment plans. You pay a penalty and interest, but it is not worse than having credit card debt rate wise. I have an uncle who had considerable back taxes owed and he hired a tax lawyer who got the amount settled for considerably less. I don't know all the details for sure, but that is something you can look into when you have the more pressing problems addressed.

Sending positive thoughts and virtual hugs your way. Keep your chin up.

[MileHigh]

You don't need to right this second. You are spinning and rightly so. I'd recommend sleeping on it. Respond when emotions aren't so high.

Hugs.

I think CC has it right, here. I know this whole ordeal has put a damper on the holiday, but nothing is going to happen in the next several days that will be helped by fretting over all the details now.

Please take a step back for at least a couple days and try to be kind to yourself. You're doing all you can, and I think you've done quite well - even though it won't seem so to you until you can look back on it from a calmer time. Don't panic, just let the situation have some time to level out.

[reachingHigher]

Hi Ambi,

I've been following along with your story. I'm so very, very sorry you have such pressing and painful issues that have come up, and here at the holidays makes it more complicated. You've been given lots and lots of great advice.

Just came across this quote the other day and thought of you so wanted to share it:

Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Sending hugs and warm and loving thoughts today,
rH

[Ambivalent]

So last night my husband stepped up to the plate again.

At dinner he told my oldest " If you get your sister you WILL get one for your mother. " Not that I care about a gift, but he is trying to show her what she is doing is unkind.

He made a point of saying everything was from both of us and he sent my daughter home with some gifts. I know one is a triple "A" membership! I had her discreetly give him the flask.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

This morning I penned a letter of intent:



Today at 11:31 AM

I'm placing an ad for a boarder , this should help with some expenses.

I have been interviewing and it is a process, as you know. I have had two interviews already for one job. The other with follow ups, so I should be hearing something again, soon.

I have also the opportunity to do esthetician side work prior to getting my license. My current boss has a bed, steamer, stand and all the sheets, etc that she'll let me have. I am planning on using the "closet"as a room.

It will take time to build a side business. After passing my state boards I'll get a full time position and transition from the current temporary job.



Those are some options.



More, which I wanted to do back in Summer, was to take in kids. I had researched the amount I could take in, and it would be cash business. It is another option for me as a temporary, or maybe even continuing income. Plus , the berries and other flora, will add some money in the Autumn, which I can use too. I could also teach floral arranging classes or something similar.

Leaving the house, puts me at a HUGE disadvantage for options of where to live. Credit, dogs, and location are all things I have to consider . Also, the house WILL eventually appreciate over time. That may be my/our only hope of a retirement income. Perhaps we could work out an equity share or something?

There may even be more options, you know how creative I can be! Given a bit more time, I'm sure I can think of something.

Please continue pay the mortgage. We have more to gain if we work through this.

I am confident it can be done!

Thanks for your support, I haven't opened the gifts. I'm waiting until tomorrow.

Hope yours will come in handy when you're out in the cold hunting!

A.

[job]

It will be interesting to see what he has to say. I really do hope that he'll work w/you on the house, but if he's missed a few payments, it will be hard to catch up w/everything else not being paid on time.

You sound a bit better today and I'm glad. I'm also glad you opted to give him the flask. It wasn't too personal and I think he'll appreciate it.

I do hope that you will take some time this afternoon and rest. Ambivalent, you will be okay in time. You are a very strong and independent woman and not matter what happens I know that you will come out on top and be the woman you were meant to be.

[Ambivalent]

No time to rest today, too much to do. Finished putting together presents to open for tomorrow. I made homemade instant cocoa, with a nice dark cocoa! I made peppermint powder to go on top of whipped cream, then I packed them in a box with 3 bottles of Tbbasco. It should be a hit.

In another box, I packed two huge jars of Nutella, some puffed rice logs, and a HUGE bag of pistachios. Pistachios are great for depression, my daughter suffers from this too.

When the day is over I'll take her to B. B. and B. to get the scale she wants.

My husband bought us slippers today, we both needed them.

My daughter and I did one last minute shopping for the Uncle that is coming tomorrow. Apparently his wallet went through the wash. So we got him a beautiful one today.

Tomorrow he'll have plenty to open. Earlier in the year I got him a stag horn wine stopper. I am also giving him a jar of my special " Hurt SO Good " double pepper jelly. My daughter got him a book. So he'll have plenty to open!

I also made my daughter some Harvest Cheddar Chowder, she LOVES this. I am freezing it in individual bags, so she can take them home.

So this year was a gift of time and thought. It is an eye opening Christmas and I know on who I may count.

As I sit here in my living room , I gaze upon the table top Christmas tree nestled in the salt glazed crock. This year for the first time, my daughter decorated it. She picked out her favorite ornaments, strung the lights and wooden bead garland. It looks nice, very nice.

This could be the last year in this home. It is an antique home from 1850. It survived the Civil War, had an addition put on at the turn of the 20th Century. It made it through WWI, The Great Depression, and WWII. At the turn of the 21st Century another addition was juxtaposed to the other addition.

We have been here for only eight years. Almost lost it once, and currently are struggling to hold on to it now. I pray to God that I can make it happen. It would be nice to have a place in case my kids need help, or my brother in law needs help, a place of sanctuary. Security would be nice. At least paying the mortgage has a reward at the end.

Please pray for us, for the Lord to bring some sanity in this time of chaos, and pain. Bring some peace, love, and compassion. Help my husband see he is forgiven and loved for the flawed man he is. For the loving , and generous man, for he is just a man. Help him to forgive me and himself and to open his heart to more than " change ". To see the strength and determination I have.

Help me to be strong enough to handle either the mortgage or the bills , with his future support. Help my oldest to love herself and not fight God. To see mankind as imperfect while accepting the goodness as well. To help her love herself, and judge not who I am, but see me as someone who has always loved her and accepted her. I was placed high upon a pedestal once, so I had far to fall.

Help my youngest daughter to continue to grow in grace, compassion, and empathy. Keep her safe and healthy. All of them actually.

I have a sore throat, so I'm going to bed. All this stress was bound to catch up with me. Thank God I have some days to recoup, and don't have to immediately go to work. Hopefully I will after the New Year.

Please God make 2014 as good as 2013 was horrible.