Afraid I have waited too long

[nit84]

Thanks for replying AS and Adinva. I Meant car insurance not health insurance but you may be correct in either case.

Just trying to be polite not confrontational when it comes to matters of the home. By doing what I want it may upset her and that would certainly be unproductive.

[adinva]

Avoiding confrontation does not create peace. It creates hidden conflict and resentment.

Using the tree, you don't put one up because you don't want to say anything to her (aka be confrontational) that might upset her (mind reading) so instead you're miserable, which she will see, and you have no holiday decorations, which will also be a noticeable change for her. You haven't avoided conflict, you've just shifted it around.

Alternative, you say I want a tree, I'm getting one let me know if you have a problem with that. She says OK. Or she says that will bother me can do xyz, which you can consider. So instead of finding out how she feels, which is loving, you anticipate the words in her mouth, and avoid them, which is fearful and leaves both of you potentially feeling worse than before.

Be careful polite is not a mask for something less noble, like fear.

[nit84]

Excellent comments made me think about and you are cor m rect. Thanks for helping avoid a possible backslide

[nit84]

Sorry was on a phone last night very hard to post from those.

adinva, Thinking about what you said more. You are correct. That is a pattern I have had or we have had throughout our M. I am working hard to correct from my side. I now realize that it is the way I word things that sometime gets me into trouble. I honestly do not mean to attempt to mind read. It is really hard not to do. I need to slow down and choose how I present things to her. Also, it will be much easier to use my actions to speak for me now that we are under the same roof again. I can use this time to refill her love bank and learn what her love languages are. I thought I knew but I was wrong.

The other thing is I always wanted to talk things out but W could not or did not want to. It is there where I started making mistakes. I would take things too personal. I always wanted to fix things. I needed to learn that not all things can be fixed or actually don't even need fixed because they are not huge issues. I turned them into huge issues by trying so hard to fix them or keep the peace.

I feel I have made strides towards doing this and now that I am back home and she is still there it will be a good test for me. I just hope by moving back I didn't force her hand to where she thinks she needs to retain a L. I hope maybe since the emotions have calmed maybe she will just go with it for a while and if she is still deadset on the D then I can not stop that.

[nit84]

Planning ahead possibly. My W was seen at the local mall the other night with a man by my niece. Not sure who he was but I have an idea. She has not said anything to me so she may not know that she was seen.

Do I play it cool because even though we are now under the same we are still separated. We have been getting along since that first night back but we have some work to do. My 180's are working I believe. Not saying much but my actions are speaking for me.

What do I do if she decides to tell me about it? I have no concrete proof of any wrongdoing. It wont be a deal breaker but I also don't want her to think I am ok with it. I am far enough along in my IMC that I think I can handle this in calm and rational way. I just need advice on what to say and how to say it.

[labug]

If it's not a dealbreaker, what is your motive for telling her?

How would you say whatever it is you need to say?

[nit84]

I guess my motive would be to see how she reacts whether or not it is serious or not, and now that I know about it, would it take the fantasy out of it if this is something to it.

I would say something like "I am hurt that you decided that you needed to look outside the M for something that I apparently wasn't providing you. I am still 100% invested in making our M work but it can not work if this continues. I just wish we could have gone to counseling together or at least talked about your feelings with a neutral person before it went this far. You chose this path so it is up to you now on what is to happen. I want this to work for us. I want a family with you. I am a strong person and this certainly will test that."

Then I guess depending on what she says I will try to validate her feelings and empathize with her.

I am not sure at this I should tell her I am still in love with her or let be unsaid.

[nit84]

Well The Christmas tree I bought looked beautiful. It helped get me through the last week. Pretty much been going about my business without worrying what the W is thinking or doing.

When I bought the tree at the big box store I asked if there was anything she could think of that was needed for the house light bulbs, cleaning agents, etc. She said no but we cant really do any improvements on the house till we see what L say. I told her wasn't thinking that big right now just small cleaning things and such.

I told her I did not have a L I just consulted with one like I am sure she has. No response back to that. She did tell to be careful when filling the hot tub because she ran over the hose and now the metal is really sharp.

later she said that I was leaving lights on in the middle of the night. I said I left them on so you could see better when you got home. If you don't want me to I wont, she said no that is ok then.

When I cleaned the room where I was putting the tree. it looked 100% better and as I was preparing to scrub the carpet the W said I was planning on do that this week. Knowing that this is a pattern that starts arguments between with us,(her not liking me doing work that she perceives to be hers and getting upset when I try to do it. Then I say fine go ahead and do it and I get upset and walk away. Then she never ends up doing it causing resentment on my part. This is a big 180 on my part.)

I politely said no worries I am already dirty it is no problem at all.This time she didn't get upset. I believe because she knows she had 6 months to do this and no job so the house could have been much better taken care of in my absence. I have continued to do small fix it things around the house since I have moved back. Honestly, these things are such small things I have no idea why I didn't do them before just lazy I guess.

After the holidays I plan on starting to clean the other rooms in the house extremely well and paint them. Havent painted since we bought the house. One of her big things is she has said is I never took her took opinion into account. When it comes time to choose paint colors do I ask her what she likes? I would dearly love to keep the house even if we don't reconcile. Im not sure I can afford it on my own but I am looking into it. She thinks we are selling it hence, her earlier comment about repairs. She knows I love the house but I have told her I don't think I can afford to buy her out and do it on my own. So we must do everything like we are planning on selling.

I want her to have a hand in the repair choices because if things start to turn around we will already be heading in a direction with these upgrades that we both agreed on. Also if she sees what these repairs do to the home we bought together, It may show her that all these things we talked about doing are now getting done. Thus moving us forward instead of just treading water.

For myself personally, Just having a clean house has improved my mood markedly in a little over a week. I don't know if I can say the same for the W but this is for me not her.

She hasn't offered to help so I am doing it on my own like I promised myself. She did say she would dust around a collection of her figurines when I asked if I could move them to do it.

Are there any good conversation starters for someone in my position? I told her we didn't have to discuss day to day activities with each other. I watch TV upstairs and she watches downstairs. Is it worth it to ask if I can watch TV with her no matter what she is watching or is that considered pursuing. If she says yes or I don't care maybe casual conversation will start. I told her about a month ago that I missed talking with her about nothing in particular.

She did not accept my small Christmas gift so maybe I should delay asking to watch TV in the same room with her for awhile.

[nit84]

Yesterday when I came home from work the Christmas gift I gave W was moved from where I placed it on her bed when I gave it to her. She has left the bedroom door wide open the last couple days when she is not home so I didn't consider it invading any privacy since I did not enter the room to see it. Not sure if she opened the gift or not.

She didn't speak much to me yesterday just some talk about the mail.

Im doing ok with this living arrangement for the moment. Just want to make sure I am proceeding in the correct manner. I cant help wondering if there is someone else and if there is will I be able to spot the signs of possible trouble in the A.

I am not ok with A if it is happening but I want to be there to pick up the pieces if a break up does happen or I would like to do something that will drive a wedge between them to facilitate an end to it. I know if I confront her my first question will be why don't you move in with him then if he is giving you what you think I couldn't? It would be interesting to hear her answer.

If she did see the person that saw her with OM. I hope she does not think I am Ok with this going on because I haven't confronted her about it.

This is what is confusing me right now. Do I confront or just play it cool? I don't want to be made a fool of but I also don't want to push her away any further.

I am trying to do all things I wanted to do while I was not living in the home. The problem is it will start to cost some money and she said we cant do any improvements until we speak to the L. Who knows when that will be. I want to make some updates that I know she has wanted for a long time but at the same time not sure if that is the prudent thing to do. Even though it my feeling that once she sees what it looks like it may help her start to see that maybe she should give our M another try.

[nit84]

Weekend went ok, both the W and I did our own thing. Not much talking again. I continued with my goal to do things around the house. I told W I was going to clean the kitchen but would put her stuff off to the side for her to do with what she wanted. She said to just clean up any mess I was making and she would do hers.

I said ok figuring it wouldn't get done and I would do it in a couple days. To my surprise she cleaned the bathroom she primarily uses one day(it hadn't been cleaned in the 6 months I was not at the house)and the next she cleaned the kitchen. Don't get me wrong I am happy about it. Just wondering why all the sudden she has decided to do these things now instead of before. Is this a baby step?

without much conversation between us it is hard to try and fill her love bank. Should I still attempt a kind word about her once a day or just leave it be?

I am trying to be patient but it gets hard sometimes to resist to try and start a good conversation with her because of the lack of communication we had before the S. I so far have done it but it is very difficult.

Any advice on what to do when this feeling of antsiness comes over me?