DIG DEEP DIG ON

[Ambivalent]

Thank you for asking , Job.

I am trying to cope, still confused. I want to step very carefully, and with forethought. I'm still trying to learn to communicate differently. Eating is an after thought, hard to when stomach is in a huge knot. I do take the vitamins and my prescription.

Yes, I'll continue to do so, and yes the difference can be very interesting.

I have found out that he is being tight lipped with his family. His youngest brother and sister just texted me. I'm getting the distinct feeling they don't know.

The Aunt who sends money, still sent it. The siblings still sent the usual foodstuffs...I'm not sure how to proceed. I just don't believe it is my place to say anything.

I just finished going through years of paperwork, trying to find any current tax returns. I also found some letters where he was glorifying my efforts at research, and home-schooling.

So if by any chance his attorney tries to make me out to be something I was not, it is his words to his Aunt that will come back and show the reality.

I sure found a continuing pattern of him not paying bills, not opening mail. Then him making more money, cleaning up the mess and the whole cycle starting up again.

It is so sad, he really didn't have any coping skills. He needed help, we needed help. <:C

[job]

Ambivalent,
I sure wish I had some words of comfort to offer you. It's tough and confusing. You do need to eat something even if it's yogurt or cottage cheese, etc. Ice cream would be even better to help coat your stomach so that you don't develop an ulcer or worse.

Sounds like he's not sharing much about the situation w/his family. It's going to get interesting because someone is going to have to acknowledge the gifts, etc. and the question will be will you be the only one signing the card w/your name or will he want you to include him as well.

Did you find the recent tax returns? You will probably need them at some point.

Please take care of yourself. If you can get thru the holidays, that will be one huge hurdle out of your way.

Take care.

[Feenix]

A,

I was just reading your recent posts. So sorry for what you are going through.

Please know I'm thinking about you.

Angela R

[Ambivalent]

Thanks again Job, I had some chicken soup. I make it and freeze it, so when I need to have a mommy cook for me. He won't care, I'm interested what he's going to do for the day.

Oh well it is his choice. How immature that he can't be with his daughter and brother on Christmas, it is truly pitiful .

Haven't found anything recent, but I do know it has to be disclosed.

I do eat coffee yogurt every morning, so I get lots of protein, no worries. It was just the recent BD. I guess at this point all the bombs have been dropped.

So I'm going to be a divorced woman. At this point I really should cut my losses. He is really unreliable, doesn't have coping skills, is a coward and runs away or sticks his head in the sand.

Do I really need that ? I'm really enjoying the swing dancing, he probably would do it with me, so why bother hoping anymore. It'll be a year in May, and we've been apart the whole time, so it will go through pretty fast.

I may end up happier without him, without the constant stress of what stress will I be under next?

I danced the night away to the Glenn Miller Band...AWESOME!

I went to a different venue and met new people. I've been going alone, and meeting all sorts of dancers.

[Ambivalent]

Thanks Angela,

Yup, he's a real pip huh?

So after Christmas it'll be heading in the Southern direction.

I'm more sorry for my kids right now. I'm realizing I'll probably go through some more rides, and then it'll be over.

Weird, but reality.

[Ambivalent]

Do I really need that ? I'm really enjoying the swing dancing, he probably would do it with me, so why bother hoping anymore. It'll be a year in May, and we've been apart the whole time, so it will go through pretty fast.

whoopsie. I meant he wouldn't do it.

The more and more I look at things , the less I seem to care.

Maybe it is just me cycling again, not sure.

There were too many times that I lived under incredible stress. When going through documents, I did not know our first house went into foreclosure.

He kept that from me. Was concerned it was too much for me and that I couldn't deal with it...WOW!

Know wonder he's terrified to try again, this is where the root of his fear( about us ) lay. He has other issues, but I can see this.

I'm going to have to show a pattern of him being financially irresponsible. Not something I want to do.

I am vacillating to and fro.

Do I stand? Would it really be best for me, or us?

Yes it would be best for our children.

I just don't know.

I still haven't responded to his Dear Jane.

I'm wondering , do I even have to?

What purpose does it serve, and what difference would it really make?

His Aunt sent a check, mailed it to us, but as usual written to him.

I have for years always signed it and deposited it in my acct.

I figure since there is still no agreement, that I'll just keep with the pattern.

I won't use but half, in case for some reason it becomes an issue.

It would allow me to get some equipment and start to work on my own. That would be a positive first step.

I talked to my boss and she said she'd lower the price she was asking me. So this is a step in the right direction.

I'm going to church this morn, then the house. If I have any energy, the gym.

I need the strength to stay focused, and to detach all the way.

I just hope my daughter (s) one day see I loved, cared , and was willing to give it my all.

That my back is up against a wall, and I have to protect what's left.

Was I living a fantasy? Should I have gone back to work even when he said I didn't have to? Should I have been more involved with our finances, even though we disagreed on how to handle them?

Or would we still be here, because no matter how much money was made, it was still spent?

At this point , I'm hoarding as much as I can.

[Whiterose]

[quote]
Maybe it is just me cycling again, not sure.
You're tired hun, we go back and forth....it's normal

I'm going to have to show a pattern of him being financially irresponsible. Not something I want to do.
I told the judge point blank H has a history of bad money decisions and that I wanted my portion of the house money he is getting, for my back child/spousal, to be in trust. It didn't go well with him or his L but it's not about them.....it's about protecting us and our children

Do I stand? Would it really be best for me, or us?
Only you can answer that.......you need to move forward though, not an option, but if you feel the need to leave the door slightly open then do that as well.

Yes it would be best for our children.
Best, if our H's can make the changes necessary to grow up and take ownership of their lives. We don't want to teach our children that this behaviour is acceptable until the end of time either


I still haven't responded to his Dear Jane.

I'm wondering , do I even have to?
I feel like you do. As everyone said to you. That you received it, will review it and get back to him in the New Year

His Aunt sent a check, mailed it to us, but as usual written to him.
I have for years always signed it and deposited it in my acct.
I figure since there is still no agreement, that I'll just keep with the pattern.
I won't use but half, in case for some reason it becomes an issue.
It would allow me to get some equipment and start to work on my own. That would be a positive first step.
I talked to my boss and she said she'd lower the price she was asking me. So this is a step in the right direction.
I would think that if it's from his aunt you probably shouldn't deposit it but I'm no vet and I'm sure they have better advice

I'm going to church this morn, then the house. If I have any energy, the gym.
Good.....give it over to God this morning. Allow Him to comfort you and hear your needs. Trust He will never abandon you

I just hope my daughter (s) one day see I loved, cared , and was willing to give it my all.

That my back is up against a wall, and I have to protect what's left.
Girls need to see their mother fight for her family, you've done this, and then they need them to see it's OK to fight for themselves....you'll show them this now

Was I living a fantasy? Should I have gone back to work even when he said I didn't have to? Should I have been more involved with our finances, even though we disagreed on how to handle them?

Or would we still be here, because no matter how much money was made, it was still spent?

At this point , I'm hoarding as much as I can.
Woulda, coulda, shoulda, serves no purpose other than to make US crazy hun. You're starting here so make the decisions based on now. You're going through a very hard emotional battle at an already stressful time but know that WHEN you get through this you'll know you can get through anything.
Sending you big hugs and lots of luv!!

[job]

Ambivalent,
White Rose has responded to your latest posting and she gave you some excellent advice. Yes, you do need to acknowledge his email/text message so that he is aware that you received it.

As for the check, I would go head and deposit since you've done this in the past.

As for having documentation showing that your h has been lax in the financial department...this has to be shown because your attorney needs this data in order to establish a pattern and possibly hold his feet to the fire on finances in the future.

Do you stand? That is up to you and you are the only one that can determine that. You can move forward w/your life and leave the door ajar. If he should wake up and get his act together and want to return to you, then you can decide whether you want to try again. This is a very personal issue that we can't answer for you.

You'll continue to cycle and have ups and downs for quite a while. It's a very stressful and emotional time for you. Nothing has to be decided today and you've got some time to think about things. Don't make any decisions when you are angry or upset. You need to keep a clear head when dealing w/the separation of material and financial things.

You will get thru this, but it's going to take time. You'll discover that you are stronger than you think. I think you've held up quite well under this latest news.

[Ambivalent]

Thanks guys, I really need contact...I just found out a boat load of cow manure:

Holy cow, I know now why he can't face me...I've been digging through a ton of bills and paperwork.

The debt on Fed taxes is over a hundred grand. Add to that there is a lien on the house, and he has had his paychecks garnished. When he said I had no idea ...uh he is right! OMG. I don't know what the Hell is going to happen. There is defin. a pattern over the years, and it has just caught up to him and blown up in his face. Not only is his credit shot, but mine. He has defaulted on older daughter's loan, so her credit is shot. And I just found hospital bills in my other daughter's name, which are not paid! So at 21 her credit is shot! My God...I sure hope an attorney can fix this for her, since she had no idea.
I'm going to let her know AFTER Christmas, this just [censored]. When he said he's been living a double life...now I get it. I'm just blown away. That is just what I found, who knows whatever else is out there!

No wonder he wants to run away. I sure hope he doesn't do something to himself, this is stress that has to be body and soul blowing. He has guns, hopefully he left them at his friend's house in VA.

With Christmas and all of this, I'm really scared for him.

Yeah, I'm scared for me too, but there is nothing I can do presently. This is HUGE, MERRY CHRISTMAS !

This just keeps getting worse and worse. I'm afraid to even think about tomorrow.

I looked up the snow thrower, it's going out on the porch tonight with a huge for sale sign on it! He paid over 1200. for it and it was only used about five times. Sheesh.

[job]

Ambivalent,
I am so sorry all of this has come to light, but things happen for a reason and maybe, must maybe this was suppose to happen because your credit standing is now on the line. I would ask the lawyer about your daughter's hospital bills. Since she was on her father's insurance plan, her credit rating may not be shot to h@ck as well as the loan for the other daughter.

Okay, here's the million dollar question...how long has this "recent" stuff been going on? Can you tell from all of the mess you've discovered? I wonder how this is all going to play out if there is a lien on the house. Surely, you aren't going to take that one on are you in order to keep the house. Uncle Sam may be coming to call to get their money very soon. Ask the lawyer about that too because the Government may come along and start selling off stuff to get what is owed in back taxes. I honestly don't know how they'll handle that w/your h and the huge amount he owes.

No wonder he wanted to default on the mortgage. My question is this...what has he done w/his money if he wasn't paying bills?
Yes, he better run, in fact, he may want to consider leaving the country. He just might find himself in a white collar prison before it's all over w/if those taxes aren't paid.

I seriously doubt that he's going to harm himself. In my opinion, he would have done that when all of this mess start snowballing. I don't think he ever thought you would go looking for stuff this soon. Now, you've got to think about what you want to do because there is an awful lot of defaults floating around as well as taxes owed and a lien on the house.

I'm very sorry that this is coming to light now, but in a way I'm glad because you now know what you are going to be dealing w/and you won't be surprised later. Keep digging. You need all of that documentation when you visit w/the lawyer. He/she needs to know all of that financial mess up front.

I don't blame you....sell the snow blower!