DIG DEEP DIG ON

[job]

Ambivalent,
I had to sit on your posting last night to think about what you are trying to get across to your h. First, the timing wouldn't have been good any time of the year and the holidays don't mean anything to him at the moment, except to get out of the situation and run like heck. So, pointing out the time of the year, won't do much, if anything. He may have a glimmer of guilt, but not for long.

Also, the way you had the sentence worded about the mortgage is more like a mother telling her son not to default and then you are telling him to rectify the situation and keep it current. They do not like to be told what to do and this may push him to go ahead w/his plans of defaulting.

Instead of asking him to place your name on the gifts you are telling him to do so...it's his choice if he doesn't want to do so.

You may not like the way that I've taken your responses and rewrote them...but you did ask for feedback.

Here's my take:

H, I read your email and even though I don't agree w/your decisions, I have to accept that these are your decisions at this time.

Is there anyway that we can avoid the mortgage going into default? If so, can we work together and rectify any delinquent payments and continue the payments on time?

If you are planning to give gifts to our family and friends, would you please add my name on the gift tags as well? I was unable to purchase separate gifts this year because you had advised me that there no funds available to do so. I would appreciate it if you would do this for me this year.

You are welcome to come by and visit w/your daughters during Christmas.

--------------------------------------------

I think will give him something to think about because you are asking questions...not telling him to do things.

[Ambivalent]

Gotcha,

I was concerned with the mortgage, and thinking about how an attorney would view it. I wanted it in writing that I did not agree with defaulting and I believe in honoring the mortgage commitment know matter what.

[Ambivalent]

Also, the way you had the sentence worded about the mortgage is more like a mother telling her son not to default and then you are telling him to rectify the situation and keep it current. They do not like to be told what to do and this may push him to go ahead w/his plans of defaulting.

I thought by saying " please " I was asking. I agree with the working together part, but at this point I cannot. No money. Is there an alternative reason for your wording on this?

I have to accept that these are your decisions at this time

.

Share with me why you chose those words?

If you are planning to give gifts to our family and friends, would you please add my name on the gift tags as well? I would appreciate it if you would do this for me this year.

I placed your name on the gifts to your siblings. ( That's what I did )

You are welcome to come by and visit w/your daughters during Christmas.

Wow! Help me understand your thought process on this. It does sound abrupt. " visit ", and "your daughters ". Is this the intent? It would come across unwelcoming to me, almost angry. Is this the point? Or am I reading more into it? Is it meant to make him think about something?

[chasingpavements]

Hi Ambivalent,

I think how job re-wrote the response sounded pretty good.. a little more like you are working as a team and he may take to that a little better. I think the line about the daughters sounded fine, I think you are reading into it.

[job]

Ambivalent,

Your sentence: "Please do not default on the mortgage. If it is behind please rectify and keep it current." I don't see this as asking him not to...it is more of a statement telling him not to. Change it to a question and indicate you are willing to work w/him in taking care of this matter. I think he'll be more receptive to listening to what you have to say.

I chose the words "I have to accept that these are your decisions at this time" because they are his decisions and it is the way he feels right now. Your decisions were not even considered, I put the onus back on him.

I chose the words that I did for the gifts because you want him to include you on them. You can also add that you've placed his name on the gifts to his siblings.

As for my sentence about coming by to visit his daughters during Christmas...it's not meant to be abrupt at all, but he has specifically stated that he only wants to have contact w/you via email or text. By stating that his daughters will be there, it lets him know that he is still welcome. For now...maybe he might want to see your daughters in the home setting. A step in the right direction if he knows that the door isn't shut tightly and you are willing to allow him to come there to visit w/them. Of course, you can rephrase it and say visit w/the family since I do not know who you have coming over during the holidays...but I do know your daughters will be there for some of it. He may not wish to see anyone at this time.

I have learned that you get more from a mlcer is you ask questions versus coming off as telling them what to do or not do. They don't like anything that sounds like we are telling them what to do. By asking in a roundabout way w/questions, it gives them option to maybe see things your way too.

You asked for feedback, so I gave you my feedback. The beauty of feedback is to use what you can and the rest toss out. I realize you are going to do what you think is best, but I'm suggesting that you rethink how you are going to respond to him and use questions versus telling him. The written word can come off as dictating and as you have interpreted my postings as "abrupt" you can see how it does affect what you are trying to get across. Also, you do not want to come off sounding like a mother or an authority figure when you are trying to get him to do something.

Just my two cents.

[BrightFuture]

Ambiv, I like how job phrased the response. I would not even put “at this time” at the end of the sentence “I have to accept that these are your decisions at this time.” I think it implies that you will be waiting for him to change his decision. We know on this board that MLCers can change their decisions multiple times, but to him this is final at this moment.

I also agree about asking questions vs. telling him what you need him to do. More you push and demand, more he is going to resist. By asking questions you put the ball in his court. You can always change your strategy if this doesn’t work.

[Ambivalent]

Thanks Job, it does help to clarify, I DON'T want to come off as a MOTHER. EEEEEK! I ask for your feedback because I appreciated it , and of course I'm second guessing myself lately.

[Ambivalent]

Bright Future,

I guess that phrase could be taken more than one way. It could be one of those subliminal messages...saying you feel this way now, but you have changed your mind quite a bit lately.

It could also mean , you may change your mind.

OR, it could mean the door is open.

However, I will probably have a suit filed before the end of the month. I don't believe at that time he will believe I'm waiting for him.

I do know this is a pat line from many sources, and does put the responsibility back on them.

It is all confusing, and he is going to hear what he wants anyway.

[Ambivalent]

I'm going to dance in your state tonight Job! I did skip last night due to just needing to nest.

[job]

How are you doing? I know you are under considerable stress and w/the holidays approaching, it's going to be even more so. When will your daughters actually be home for a few days?

I do worry about you because I can tell from your postings that your mind is running around in circles like a hamster's wheel at full throttle. Please take care of yourself. It's important that you eat properly, get plenty of rest and take your vitamins and meds, if you have them.

Ask questions here, but remember, we all have experienced things differently.