DIG DEEP DIG ON

[Ambivalent]

Thanks you guys.

I'm still a bit tender, but today was so busy the crying wasn't allowed to take control.

Today was a very stressful day. I am estranged from my parents. I don't want to go into detail, but it was a choice I made many years ago, for my psychological health.

I e-mailed my parents. It was the hardest thing for me to do. I have never asked them for anything, that way I couldn't be manipulated, or guilted into a compliance.

My father cheated on my mother and my mother had him leave. She rues that to this day. My father was a practicing attorney for many years. He can be a bast-rd. He will agree.

I cried my heart out last night to my mom, I did not ask her for a dime, if she offered that would be her call. She did not, but she did call my father, who lives in Mississippi. Love writing that state, I can still here the sing song way we learned to spell it!

Anyway, he called this morning. I was overwhelmed with the project, my computers were BOTH acting up and he was taking time away from something I had to get done.

I did something I've never done with him. I let him in after thirty years of only one contact. I balled my eyes out , and listened to him express his concern for me. It was genuine. He is not the same man that he was when I was developing from a child to a teen, to a woman.

What they say about men becoming more sensitive in older age is true. He said something he would NEVER would have said back then.

" I wish I were there so you could place your head on my shoulder and comfort you." Just writing this brings me to tears. I never felt compassion from him ever, nor was he ever a daddy. He was a loving caring man on the phone today, he is 85 years old. My mother had shared my circumstances and he called.

He counseled me, offered me a sum of money, and he listened . When all was said and done, he wired money into my account by five today and called back to say he doubled it. To take one hundred dollars of the money and do something nice for myself.

I'm still shocked , and a bit a peace.

I can give my daughters some small gifts, and I have a bit of comfort knowing it is in the bank. I apologized for having to take the money and he was saddened that I felt I needed to apologize. He has come out of his tunnel. Never thought he would.

I have carried pain from my childhood for many years. I forgave my parents many years ago in my heart. And I proceeded with life to stay healthy.

He too told me to check into legal aide in our state. I postponed todays meeting 'til next Friday. I was behind on the project. My computers were acting up and even my cell decided not to cooperate with sending photos via e-mail.

I had to drive to my daughter's place, have her format from what I had written on paper. Then she uploaded the info onto a stick drive. I was an hour and a half late to school, and had to wait forty five minutes to print the information out .

It was a very tough day. Too many emotions and keeping focused was brutal. I was a mess.

As for your state Job, he has to be a resident to file. Which means it has to be six months. He has only been there four. I believe he wants to get out of that state, because he would get killed in taxes. Your state just passed a law on anyone making 100k or more.

So if he files in that state, it would be very unlikely. It would cost him even more money.

My gal wants to file immediately , to beat him to it, and to get retro. a.

I know everyone says to protect myself, look out for me. I will do it.

I have to admit that I feel dirty. It is a horrible feeling to love someone and to have been so intimate and then prepare to conspire behind their backs. Anyway one looks at it , it IS what is done.

I feel tainted, and unclean. I too , don't want to fight about anything, yet I know he is not in the state of mind to reason. He has made so many poor choices and ones that I strongly am at odds about.

I do feel better about doing this after Christmas, it just wouldn't set right with me.

On another note, I did follow up on the first job interview yet again. The gal was pleased and expressed that follow up was so appreciated! It was between me and another gal.

She made tentative plans to have me come in for training the week after Christmas. I will be e-mailed to solidify. She mentioned that my money expectations have never been paid for that position before, and she was going to bat for me on that. I suggested she sell me as a mature , reliable/dependent individual who has experience under her belt and I'm worth it!

She enthusiastically agreed. Funny, I'm already selling myself with a bit more fortitude.

This I the job where I would be showering at three in the morning and leaving by four to get there to open by five! Good God what am I thinking? I also made sure she knew that I would need time off for my boards and that I wanted to be considered for the spa esthetician position at the club.

She made a point to let me know absolutely and that they have two rooms free and they like to stay booked! Being at the front desk gives me an advantage there. So it may end up being two part time jobs at one location!

Bad news about health insurance though. Once divorced I cannot be on his policy. The LAST thing I need to worry about is this Obamacare law. It absolutely devastates me on so many levels. The fact that I'm pretty healthy and to be forced into a contract to purchase something that has to be deemed acceptable from my Federal Government just about kills me. It is wrong and it is not governing by the people but over the people.

I would rather go a few years and bank that money for a nest egg, rather than pay for something other than catastrophic insurance.

This just brings me down.

[BrightFuture]

Ambiv, I’ve just signed up for a new health plan, because my old one was not compliant with the new law. I had an individual insurance policy before because I’m self-employed. My new plan will cost me less for about the same coverage, plus I get free preventative services, which I didn’t have before. I will have the same doctors. I’m not eligible for a subsidy, because of my income. There are plans for catastrophic insurance, just like there were before, from the same insurance companies. They just cost less, at least in my state. Right now is open enrolment period, until March 31, I think. The application took me about 10 min to fill. There were no health related questions.

You can also purchase a temporary insurance, which is truly just catastrophic insurance. It is even cheaper.

[job]

I'm very glad that you reached out to your parents. Your father's words meant a lot to you and he didn't hesitate to wire you the money. He knows exactly what you are going through and even though you've not had much, if any contact w/him over the years, you are still his little girl. Lean on him when you need to. He's your father and the same would apply to your mother. She also knows what you are going through.

I agree w/your lawyer, file now and seeking retro alimony. Why would you feel dirty about that? After all, look at what he's been doing to you and you only just discovered in the last few weeks some of the things that he's been doing. For one thing, I do not think for one minute that he forgot about those things in his car. In his passive way, he knew you'd most likely use his car and he left those items in there for you to find. He didn't care. When you didn't confront him about them, he began to feel very uneasy about coming around you and Thanksgiving put the toping on his cake of guilt and he had to finally tell you how he felts. No, you should not ever feel dirty. You are an upstanding woman who loves deeply and cares about everyone.

I think it's good that you have tentative plans to go in and try out the new place of employment. It will give you something else to think about and to see if this is really what you want right now. About the hours, you'll get use to them and you may just find that you enjoy going in early and having time to do something else later in the day while others are still working away.

I'm also glad to read that you've postponed your meeting w/your lawyer. This will give you time to settle down and put your thoughts on paper so that you will have talking points. Jot down your questions to ask her. She's use to people being emotional, but the bottom line is to get what is rightfully yours. If you don't agree on something she suggests, tell her. After all, you are paying her to do a job for you.

As for health insurance, now is a good time to begin shopping around to see what's available. Don't put off getting health insurance. You may be healthy at this time, but you don't know what tomorrow will bring. The stress of what you are and will continue to go through for a long time can do all sorts of things to the body and mind. Health insurance is a number one priority in my books.

Ambivalent, no matter how dark the cloud looks now, there is a silver lining in it and some of that lining has been exposed to you in just a few short hours. You are going to be okay. You just have to get thru the difficult period of accepting that the old marriage is over and that there are certain things that have to be done, you'll find some of the stress will be removed.

Again, I'm very glad you reached out to your parents. Don't be afraid to do so again.

[Ambivalent]

Thank you BF.

Yesterday was so stressful . In the middle of trying to complete the project, both computers decided to act up. One would not connect to the internet, and the other 's keypad was wigging out. So I had to drive to my daughter's who is a half hour away, have her enter the project on her laptop, then transfer it to a stick.

Driving to school in the middle of rush in this area is a NIGHTMARE!
After that I was an hour and a half late to school. The person there was supposed to print out my project and she had me wait another 50 minutes! Needless to say I was calling everyone to let them know prior to, and during. My class was itching to leave school. Nobody had a clue what my week has been like, and to be honest they're young and could care less.

I slept 'til my usual four a.m. and then tried for the last hours.

Brother in law got the email and responded with other than the game, what can I bring? HE is stepping up and will be here!

I don't know if H. made a point to tell him to go or not. Most likely he did. I don't care, all I know is it will be nice for our daughter's and it will have a bit of a family feel.

My youngest daughter is taking note that H. has decided to think only of himself. He also just told her that the fee to get her towed car back was her Christmas gift.
I'm glad I warned her of the upcoming money behavior, so she too will be prepared.

She told me last night that because of my H's income, and nobody to co-sign, getting a loan is not possible. She is a dependent on his taxes. I told her the sooner she was independent the better. She can then be assessed on her lack of income, and wonderful character references . She needs to develop credit and fast. She has already looked into taking a second part time position.
This is from the one who is in school full time, a Chem. major and working on two minors as well. She is working part time and she was the treasurer for her sorority. She was responsible for thousands of dollars. THAT was an awesome responsibility and should have her in good steed.

She wants to stay where she is , and I told her that was her choice and I support her. If she gets the lab job in the Western part of the juxtaposed state, I'll see her quite a bit. She may rethink things by then, gas would be unbelievable.

She will come out Sun. night and D. #1 will follow probably the Christmas Eve. She is always a trial and I will get to DB practice with her.

God has seen fit to challenge me with all that is going on. I often ask Him , why?

I looked into legal aide this morn, and filled out the app. Not a very good process, for it doesn't give one the choices needed and I have to be concerned with pro-bono work. I will have to do more research.

I'm going to try to get to the storage facility to dig for tax records, and other docs. If I don't there is tomorrow. But believe I should do it today.

I am going to force myself to go to the dance tonight. It is hard , for I feel like a wounded bird at times. I don't want to give off the aura of a needy person.

I don't know how those who go through this ever reconcile.

I am not looking forward to giving the evidence of the V. , receipts, etc. I feel it is blindsiding him. I don't think he was preparing to hurt me, and this will bring out a different person. Or maybe he may feel even more guilt, if I am lucky enough.

What I'm uncomfortable with are the e-mail exchanges. His attorney WILL tell him not to do it any longer. IF they are good. Then there goes any communication.

Do people actually get this far and further and then stop?

Job, at one point with the first BD, husband said " I could have everything" over the Summer he wanted to keep him in the loop about the snow blower and lawn mower.

If I sell the sno-blower before Christmas, I have a great chance. Now he did sell our Tiger mower to pay for the maintenance of the yard before he left. And didn't consult me, so am I okay with selling the sno-blower?

Or anything else for that matter?

[Ambivalent]

Why would you feel dirty about that? After all, look at what he's been doing to you and you only just discovered in the last few weeks some of the things that he's been doing

It comes from feeling like I am unfaithful. One doesn't speak badly of their spouse, it is just so unseemly. Writing here is different, because we aren't able to gossip, or make something public. It isn't honoring what we had. It is difficult to put my finger on it. I just do.

If you knew my husband's habits and how much of a car/house slob he is, you wouldn't say this. He dumps things all over the place, just like my oldest daughter. I would never describe him as organized, or even sloppy. I'm sure this is another reason the finances are like this.


I was posting during your post time, so I did not mean to dismiss the post.

[job]

Ambivalent,
Yes, there are some that go right up to the time of signing the divorce and call it off and attempt to date and reconcile. Some divorce and years later get back together.

Now, about his statement that you can have everything...that was the guilt talking. Right now, you aim high because his guilt most likely help him be agreeable on stuff. The longer you wait, the more likelihood he will change his mind on everything. This is very normal behavior for them.

As for communication, you will see around the board that mlcers don't give a fig what their lawyers advise them to do. Some will remain in contact and others will be in dribbles.

As for the snow blower...are you sure you won't be using it at some point in time?

You need to start looking at your situation as a business deal whereby the contract has been voided.

I hate to say this, but all of you ladies are going to have to tighten your financial belts because he's not going to be paying for the things that he has been in the past. It's all going to be about him and what he wants to do w/his life.

Hang in there and keep your business hat on as much as possible while gathering your financial data.

[Ambivalent]

Now, about his statement that you can have everything...that was the guilt talking.

Yep, I do know that...and hopefully he will keep feeling those feelings.

As for communication, you will see around the board that mlcers don't give a fig what their lawyers advise them to do. Some will remain in contact and others will be in dribbles.

I do know the more you agree upon the less expensive it is. Dividing property should be something he and I hopefully can do without racking up expenses. But being served will shock him and he may become very angry, especially if she uses abandonment. Up until the mortgage stuff, he has been paying all the bills and maintaining the property.

I just hope it doesn't get him to become ugly.

As for contact, right now he can't face me or even hear my voice, so it will be interesting after Christmas.

When it comes to the snow-blower my driveway is flat, and not that long. It could pay for a bill or consult fee. If I put it out on the front porch, it should sell fast! It's unwieldy for me, and if the house is taken from me, I most certainly won't have anywhere to store it.

Business deal, got it. As for it being about him, yup it is already starting. Albeit late. He's already not as generous with the girls.

I really can't imagine that someone would spend all that money and then walk away.

It seems such a waste. I am trying to wrap my head around just the thinking of , get rid of wife, pay years of support versus, figure out what's wrong and work on it. It seems like temporary insanity and is such a waste of things built over years and a waste of time/money.

I will say when reading True Gritter's thread he said something that just hit me upside the head. It was this:

The thought of going on with life as it was, was unbearable so ....

I checked out.

It sounded so much like my H. saying:

I was unhappy and couldn't see continuing the path my life and our relationship was on. I've been struggling with my feelings about the state of our marriage. I don't like the idea of being divorced yet I didn't like the idea of staying in our relationship even more.

Both sound so myopic. It never occurred to either that there were alternatives. That running away doesn't cure the problems, the problems are carried with you.

That if you don't like a trajectory or path, one doesn't have to blow up the path, or direction, but change things, work through them, become partners in change.

It is true, depression can completely cloud a person's judgment and perspective.

[Ambivalent]

This is what I'm considering:

I hear what you are saying, there are other choices and options but I accept the choices you've made.

I disagree.

Please do not default on the mortgage,. If it is behind please rectify and keep it current.

Your choice to do this at this time of year is your choice alone.

Please place my name on any Christmas gifts, for you had previously told me there were no funds to do so, now you have come to a different opinion.

You are still welcome to join us.

A.

My reasoning: I am acknowledging, validating, and disagree.

I am stating my disagreement over some decisions on the house and mortgage, and want it in writing that he may be in non compliance of the loan, and that I disagree and I want it current.

Acknowledging his choice about the timing of the letter and that he owns his behavior.

Showing an inconsistency about finances and how he changed his mind. I am part of the gift giving process.

Leaving an open door.

I'm sitting on it , to think about it.

[Ambivalent]

This is what I'm considering:

I hear what you are saying, there are other choices and options but I accept the choices you've made.

I'm thinking of changing but to yet

I disagree.

Please do not default on the mortgage,. If it is behind please rectify and keep it current.

I still believe this must be stated and is a boundary

Your choice to do this at this time of year is your choice alone.

Truth dart

Please place my name on any Christmas gifts, for you had previously told me there were no funds to do so, now you have come to a different opinion.

Believe gifts should be from us at this time. Especially since he has placed me in a pickle.

You are still welcome to join us.

Unsure about this, and am trying to DB but don't know if this comes across as pursuing. I do NOT want that at all. How do I leave the door ajar, or what ways may I. ?
A.

My reasoning: I am acknowledging, validating, and disagree.

I am stating my disagreement over some decisions on the house and mortgage, and want it in writing that he may be in non compliance of the loan, and that I disagree and I want it current.

Acknowledging his choice about the timing of the letter and that he owns his behavior.


Showing an inconsistency about finances and how he changed his mind. I am part of the gift giving process.

Leaving an open door.

I'm sitting on it , to think about it.

[Ambivalent]

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