The end of Limboland

[AJM]

Research is important. Understanding is compassionate and a coping mechanism. The trick is to know when to implement what you know. It's hard when your feelings are so bruised. But that's why I suggest small, chewable size items. That's the action based on your research.

The question is when will you do that on purpose? You will when you're ready

For me, it felt better when she left the second time. Bittersweet, but I felt relieved and guilty for feeling that at the same time. I missed what we had, but I was glad I wasn't in limbo and dangling along. I had regained much of myself by then, but I was also grieving the loss of my family unity. Lots of emotions all at once, ya know?

She finally signed the separation papers two days before our 20th anniversary. The next day she filed for divorce. I was ready at that point to be the one to file it, but she did it and saved me the fees.

I am not totally free of her even now. We have kids. She tries hard to maintain some sort of connection (abusive). I'm free in the sense that I don't get affected by her antics. I don't wonder what she's saying, doing, or thinking. I accepted that she left, that my family is broken, that my dreams were taken, and that she will continue to try and blame/harass me for the rest of her life if given the opportunity. Heck, even if she isn't given the opportunity.

I am free to be me though. I am free of the BS. I am free of the drama (and my goodness, but there has been plenty.) But I'm not free from hearing from her or from her in my life. That won't happen. I accept that.

I am free to make my choices without worrying about how it will affect her. I am free to do what I deem in my best interest without any (tangible) interference.

Detached? I don't know that it would be possible to be any more detached. I'm not concerned with anything she does except where it involves my kids. I have the same concern for the school teachers if that makes sense.

Does that answer your question? It was a long road, but I'm glad I got started...

AJ

[Ambivalent]

Hey MJo, really want to call ya Mojo!

Sorry you are here, yes it does bite the big one! You'll find many here who are very supportive and loving. Lurking is okay too! I do it all the time.

Is there a reason? Do you not hate it? Do you not want to move and start over?

Moving and starting over at 50 something is not a positive thing for me. I seek stability, roots, and privacy. All that would be gone. If I reconciled and my H. wanted to go somewhere else, I'd consider it. But that is not happening and I don't want to uproot and move a whole household again. I moved a lot as a child and I long to stay put for now.

For me it is bittersweet. I have wanted an antique home for many years. I landscape and garden, have five dogs and the house isn't too big. I have two adult girls, and want to be able to be the home in the country, the respite. I am in a home that is under and to sell it would do nothing for me. I have antiques and a lovely kitchen. I'm in a small town juxtaposed to a major metro area.

Moving all that I have, and trying to find a place that would meet our needs would be far more trouble than trying to hang on. I do at times wish I could magically be in a place and not fret, but that isn't my reality. I have a daughter who also appreciates this home, and having a place in which to get away and feel at home.


Another factor for me, is that we are under, so no equity. To hang on will eventually bring us even or make a profit for the future.

It also can afford me an income, due to my location. So it isn't just emotional for me, it is pragmatic. I feel I would be throwing everything I worked on away. That just doesn't make any sense to me.

I have been here eight years, and it is my home. It isn't perfect, needs some more restoration upstairs, but it is home.

My husband ran away from home, and I want to prove to myself and my daughters that hard work and perseverance may overcome difficulty. Challenges are just that, challenges. That is where I am today, tomorrow may be very different.

[mj0221]

AJ...Yes I think that does basically answer my question. I just need to work on myself and my healing. I think eventually these little things won't bother me right? Ya know I was so focused the first 6 months after he left on working on my overall attitude. I saw my negative part in the marriage which was the OCD having to have everything perfect. I tend to freak out with clutter, mess, knick knacks so I have worked dearly on staying calm in my life now. I missed the boat though on the whole grieving over H leaving and it caught up with me about 8 months after he left.

But I know all this will come in time. As much as I would love H to come home I know it's not realistic. I can't wait until the day when I am no longer affected by him in general. I know I will still have to deal with him but I don't have to let it get to me......right?

[mj0221]

Ambi,
Thanks for stopping by and you can call me whatever you'd like. It's really mj and then numbers but I won't turn you away

I have been following your thread and I am so sorry you are where you are right now. You have been put in a very tight spot. Those married as long as you I try and imagine because it's all I can do. Mine at 12 years feels devastating enough. So I can only imagine your pain.

The house....yes about keeping it I hear ya. I've had several great responses. While I do have a great deal of equity in my house another side of me keeping it is i would like it as investment and build up more equity. I basically have a pathetic retirement on my own so I'm looking at this as my investment. I can see your point about building some yet I don't want to get in a financial bind either. I won't be getting alimony. My state doesn't freely give it out unless you were a stay at home spouse and I have worked full time all these years.....wish I had known that lol.

I am going after his retirement because he retires in March of 2014 so I will get a monthly check from that. I wish he would also see we could be soooooo well off if he would come to his senses....nope. He had a great job he is getting to retire at 42 but give his wife half and now go find another job making what he was making at his first job because his retirement is no more.

I have learned through this process H only thinks about himself. It is all about him. I have learned that I have to look out for myself.

[tiredndrained]

MJ..my husband led this secret life for over two years but I found the one gf by mistake. I spoke with her and they were dating for over a year. Long story short she was such trash and had a police record for stealing. Kids with all diff dads and lived in a less than stellar neighborhood in the city. Not sure what drew him to her since I am exactly the opposite and we live in a big house in a nice neighborhood, etc. Their pics were all over fb. It was very disheartening. The following year was just a year of never being home and running around and he was not with her so I don't have a clue who he was with. But, at one time I got a phone call at work from a woman telling me she was running a "Refernce Check" on my H and the only questions she asked was are you married still and did you guys ever divorce?
Then a woman showed up at my front door and my kids were home alone and answered and a strange woman was looking for my H because she said they were voting together. Only it was not a voting day and they said should we get our mom and she said no that isn't necessary and took off in her car. Nice, huh? These men don't get how the secrets cause so much hurt and pain. That is why my boys have a clue that he has another family. They are pretty on top of the fact my H was running around cheating for a long time.

I hope the OW isn't someone you know. That would just make things all the worse!!

Have a happy New Year. Maybe this will be the year we can move on and start anew!

[tiredndrained]

How are you MJ?

[mj0221]

Tired,
I've been busy trying to stay focused on my goals and unfocused on what H is doing. I've noticed for weeks now I don't focus on what he may be doing. I'm now just in the mad stage with him. I'd much rather be there than depressed and crying all the time. Mainly mad of course for D11. I know he will deeply regret what he has done to her one day. He went from having a daddy's girl that did EVERYTHING with him to he shut her out of his life. He officially has spent 3 "times" with d11 in a year coming up in February and one of those as Christmas Day for 8 min. Yes I counted because I was so shocked it was over so quick.

Mad, yes I am. If this man ever woke up and came back to me.......he would have to win me back. There would be no letting him in the door without counseling and a lot more work which he thinks he doesn't need now. Granted, I'm fairly certain he won't ever come back. For one, he has too much pride.

I'm moving along, taking care of things. I still have my sad days here and there that creep in but I journal and move along, email my IC, he likes for me to email him on those days so he can use at sessions.

Next big "first big day" anniversary of when H left, also D11 birthday, 2/22. Coincendentally he decided to move out on her birthday without telling her or acknowledging her birthday. I think that day will be big for me and her.

Overall, I THINK I may be muddling through the water as a LBS at a little bit faster pace now.