The end of Limboland

[CallaghanClown]

^^^^^agree with everything above.

Don't worry about your H disappearing from your D's life. It's the opposite to his previous behaviour....standard MLC. Mine never saw his kids and wants to see them all the time......you can't win!

[mj0221]

CC,
Thank you. I know I always read the behavior is always the opposite but it is so difficult to wrap my head around. In the very beginning he actually did go to one of my daughters counseling sessions with her so the counsellor met with him privately for a few....later on counselor told me that he has a lot of issues he has to work through and he needs to be seeing someone but you know you can't tell these MLC people anything....gotta leave them be.

[mj0221]

Cadet,
Thank you for the intro. I have been reading over all these items for many months but continually do so. It has been such a painful process as I am constantly cycling while trying to detach.

[mj0221]

WR,
Thank you so much for the welcome and that reminder of him simply using his power because he's so insecure. I have thought that many times but need the reminder.

This is why I have been reading this board for all these months....to have an idea of what is going on in everything I'm facing because our stories are all intertwined in some way or another even if it's just a small bit.

[mj0221]

So I have been reading along on this forum now since March (I know just call me lurker) and it seems so many LBS women fight to keep your house. Is there a reason? Do you not hate it? Do you not want to move and start over?

I'm in a dilemma currently. I hate coming home to my house every day. It depresses me, all it does is remind me of "our" life. All I really want to do is curl up in bed. The house is a 5BR 3bath so it's definitely too much room for us. I do have another D21 first marriage but she's always at college. I WANT to move, however, the housing market [censored] here and I am in an awesome location now with quite a bit of equity in house that H doesn't even want because my parents gave me the money for. You have to be very careful where to live within the Tri county area here because of crime and housing going down.

My parents don't want me to let the house go/sell it. It's confusing me.

So I just wondered why everyone else I noticed tries so hard to keep their house instead of making a fresh start.

[AJM]

Hey-ho, MJ. Glad you came here, although sorry for the reason.

I can tell you why I kept my house. Like you, I have a large house and didn't want it. It's part of the reason I agreed to put it on the market. When I figured it out however, I put a stop to the marketing and sale. I'll admit I hated it for a long time. Coming home "hurt". But looking back, it was the best thing for me to really get it all out. Now I like it more than before. I'm out of the maintenance mode and into the changing it mode. To make it mine. And mine alone.

My reason for not selling it so far? I promised my kids I would not sell it until they were out of the house. My son still lives with me part time. That, and luck. But I'm grateful after all to not have sold it yet. It truly helped me to get past the ex-junk and to deal with the "ghosts" of her memory etc.

I doubt now is a good time to sell a house of that size. I'd guess that you'd want to either keep it and live in it (could be the stability your daughter needs right now) or rent it if you have to.

So I have to ask. Your first marriage? Same thing? Different experience?

AJ

[mj0221]

AJM,
Thank You! Just the type of responses I'm looking for. That really helps to think on and as far as D11 goes I think she would prefer to stay here also but would move if we had to. But I love how you answered that.

To answer you on my first marriage....I got married when I was 18, had d when I was 19. We did stay married for a good number of years. But ultimately we just married too young for us. We didn't use attorneys, did our own papers, he took what the set amount of child support was for our state and tripled it and was loyal with it from the day we signed. We got along as parents better than we did married and always have. We both remarried a little over a year after divorcing and got along great with each other's new families after we both had more kids.

[mj0221]

I know it seems like I'm ready to move on and get divorced when actually I would love for H to just make a first step acknowledging he has issues. Until then I know he will never come home so I know I can't fight it. I can only pray for him daily.

H has had issues with porn and infidelity before and where he works it's a cesspool of cheating. He used to talk about a lot of those people. However I think he just fell in with them in the past couple years. I noticed the last year we were together he never answered his phone or his text from me and always had it with him at all times at home. It didn't click until after he was gone though because his job was obviously such a great cover. He could get called out at all hours of the day or night. Sickening.

I really don't understand how I can still love this man. I think because I saw after he left my own self in the mirror. I have spent 10 months working on myself and through that I did see that I failed to show him the love I really should have just as he did me. It's shown me how much I really do love him because the year before he left I was questioning it.....must have been at the time when we were off in two different worlds yet still living together.

I wish i could talk some sense into H but I laugh just thinking that is possible. H is all about H right now.

[AJM]

Gotcha.

Sometimes we are attracted to a person (vs. loving them) when they reject us. It's human nature to want what we can't have. Can you see the difference? Does it apply here?

If he is unable/unwilling to return the same kind of love, are you ready to let him go and find his way?

Cheers,
AJ

[mj0221]

AJ,
I can see the difference and need to think on this some more. I think where I get hung up is he was the most involved husband and father of anyone I knew (up until about a year before BD maybe). All my friends and family were envious of our relationship. They never got a quarter of that from their husbands. Maybe I just never appreciated and loved him enough.

In literal terms if you mean being attracted to him, I love him more. If I was just attracted to him without love and at this point I think I could easily say great tell me where to sign because while he is good looking I'm sure I could find someone just, if not better, good looking. Does that make any sense

And on him unwilling to love me back....I absolutely am willing to let him go. I no longer want a husband who doesn't love me. That is something that working with an IC has helped on.