I am loathe to assign a trigger. Do I think it is when a crisis happens and that person lacks the skills to cope with whatever it is? Sure.
But it also stems from, maybe, the we as well.
By saying this, I am not taking responsibility for the spouse's behaviour at all. Just saying that what they needed was not within easy reach of themselves, nor with us. Instead of looking deeper, it was easier to change the trappings rather than what was inside instead.
I think, though, death triggers a panic mode, where time seems to be escaping and I would be happy if only....or depression...or both.
So I am on the fence a bit, because it seems like an excuse, almost, for the behaviour. But then again, I really have no idea of what goes on during that ride
Noooooo...no one is, nor should they use the trigger as an excuse. Hell, I was a horrible husband, I sucked. Without MLC she would have later and rightfully so divorced my POS but.
The theory of MLC is that almost all of them have a trigger, some sort of 'button' that starts the avalanche process.
Your crappy behaviour is just a bunch of snow among more snow.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I don't think my H's can be traced back to a death. I do think I see that he struggled with depression for many years and I didn't really identify it until now.
1998: H's brother goes away to prison for 30 years for "murder", though it seems his role in the situation was trumped up and he got a harsher sentence than he should have. H and brother were very close, but H makes little effort in the intervening years to stay in contact with brother. I think H was very angry with his brother for the choices he made and felt "abandoned" in a way by his brother's incarceration.
1999: Son was born. We had considered terminating pregnancy but didn't. I think sometimes H felt "trapped" by the pregnancy, that maybe he would have made different choices and that we wouldn't have stayed together if not for having our son.
Late 1999/early 2000: I am very depressed and consider leaving H to move home with my family. In retrospect I think it was due to seasonal and postpartum issues. We lived in a basement apartment in Minnesota... I was not getting much sunlight. My mom convinces me I have to talk to H about this, I can't just pack up and leave (yes, I was that crazy at the time). I talk to H and he convinces me to stay, that things are hard but he will help them get better.
2002: I have an online affair for several months. H works long hours and spend a lot of his time at home immersed in his own hobbies. Has a lot of complaints/gripes about my parenting and housekeeping. I feel lonely and unappreciated... When H finds out about affair he doesn't immediately tell me. Instead he just monitors situation for awhile before confronting me. When confronted with the choice of ending the affair or leaving, I end the affair. I realize in retrospect I was doing my own Escape/Avoid Fantasy. Not an excuse... just that I understand in a sense what H is now experiencing.
2004: We move here from my home state. His parents sell us their house for what is owed on the mortgage. They are our only family here, H already has a poor relationship with them. They follow up the house sale by doing some questionable and selfish things. H determines he wants nothing to do with them. I try to keep some connection with them, since we live in a new state and they are the only "family" we have. I need to be able to rely on them for help, even though they svck as human beings.
2006: Brother in prison renews efforts to communicate. H writes a few letters, then stops. I think he even stopped opening the letters from brother. Brother writes to me for a few months trying to stay connected to us, H dislikes this greatly and gets angry. "Doesn't want people talking about him behind his back". I stop writing letters to his brother, even though I thought I was doing it for H's sake. I think H would rather just pretend his brother is not in prison, doesn't want to be reminded of it.
2007/2008 H was laid off from a job, we fell behind on mortgage and bills, were close to losing our home before he found a new job... very stressful time, but we didn't really talk about it like we should have. Mostly arguments about what to do, not emotional connection over the situation. I think this time made H question his role in the family dynamic. He was the breadwinner and billpayer, unable to do that, what was his "value" to the family kind of thing. Eventually gets a job and we get caught up. He seems very unhappy with the job though... the unhappiness persists.
Christmas Day 2011: I have a big falling out with H's parents on Christmas Day. H isn't even there, he has opted out of doing most parties and holidays at parent's house for years. My sister and her boyfriend and my son are in the room and "MIL" says something really offensive to me over a card game. This is the last straw for me. I am tired of trying to have a relationship with these people when they are so inconsiderate and self centered. I come home and tell H and he says, "I told you we were done dealing with them YEARS ago. I wish you had listened to me then." Beyond that he doesn't really have anything sympathetic to say about it. He just hates all the drama in the following weeks and months as parents try to reinsert themselves in our lives and his sisters defriend me on Facebook and everything else. We have not talked to them since except brief phone contact. They left of vague notes to "contact them about something important" with chewing gum on the front door... I think it turned out the H's grandfather was hospitalized. But instead of just giving us the news in writing, they basically tried to USE it to get him to call them. So lame.
February 2013: Son turns 14. I get a sense that a lot of H's insecurities and emotional frailties have their roots in things his parents did when he was a teen. I do wonder if son coming into that age has stirred up painful things for H about his past.
Oct 5, 2013: Bomb drop. After months of what seemed like harmless flirting he comes home and tells me that after "going out with this girl and her group of friends" he is in love and she is his one true chance for happiness, etc. He hasn't been happy in a long time, doesn't know if he ever loved me, etc.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
X's Aunt (they were close) passed about 1 year before BD, many comments about age, wrinkles, running out of time for someone to love her, and anger leading up to BD.
I also was not the best husband, I tried loving her in MY way not the way she wanted or needed. I thought I was communicating and have since learned better ways and realize I still need much more practice.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
My brother died this summer and 1 1/2 weeks later BD. They were not close but his mother has the same disease that he died from. Other than that he told me in the spring that he was depressed.
H-44 Me-43 D9 T-13 years M-12 years BD-8/21/13 Sep- 11/19/13 D in process
Funny, I used to think the trigger was that her nephew omitted suicide. But being honest and looking back, it was before that when things started. She was back in school and under a ton of stress. The nephew didn't help, and it was a month after that.
I have had the sense for a long time that it was more about the timing. Her issues started about the same time my daughter turned 11-12. That was about the same time things got wonky in her own life at home. When her brother went into the drugs/jail cycle, her grandfather with alz came to live with them, and her mom was full swing into her career without much time for her kids.
My guess has always been the similar to what the counselor brought up early on - she doesn't have the tools to deal with what she's dealing with and she's not doing a good job making them. The counselor was also quick to point out that W was going to go through this now or 10 years from now. That it was not likely related to the nephew.
After all this time, I tend to agree that it may have helped push her over the edge, it was more of an excuse to no longer hold it back than it was the trigger. It did mix some things up in her head though... If that's possible
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
