Here We Go!

[adinva]

I'm so confused. You were in a bad mood and "took it out on her" and expect that she apologize to you the next day? Seems like you were right to apologize. Also seems like you are score-keeping, which is not a good trend.

When your sitch turned around so fast there was some concern expressed here that you haven't had the time to explore what's behind your (both of your) volatility and learn more mature skills. I really hope you get the help in counseling that BOTH of you need.

[JayMan]

Adinva, thanks for commenting...

I kinda took the brunt of the whole ordeal when I said "took it out on her"; she was just as much of it. It was actually pretty cleansing. We both took a couple days off, and it was better after that.

Weird thing: I always apologize. Luckily, my personality is such that a night's sleep and I can't even remember what we were fighting about. However, W NEVER apologizes, and I'm not exaggerating. She just makes excuses. If I say, "You said XYZ to me, and never apologized", she MIGHT apologize, but it's words, only because I pointed it out.

Also, I should say that I have been doing better every day. I am growing, maturing, living and loving life. My 2 kids and 2 step-kids grow closer every day. When W left in July, she told the 2 step-kids that I wasn't their dad, and to call me "JonF". On their own, both of them started calling me Dad again. Every time I'm there, S6 clings to my leg and begs me not to leave, D10 wants to snuggle/cuddle me all the time.

Oddly enough, all of this happens when W is out of the picture. She spends most of her non-working hours in bed, playing video games on her phone. Unfortunately, her depression is still a pretty large part of the picture.

I woke up today with a smile on my face, before my alarm clock, ready to move forward with life, and realized I had hit the pause button waiting on W to figure her life out. However, unless two people are 100% committed to moving forward, then isn't it a waste of time?

[cbtdad]

JonF, don't get down. This takes some time. Has she said she wants this? Is she going to MC? IC?
I'm going to share with you what a wise man told me a year ago at the beginning of my sitch. We were having lunch. This guy and his wife are one the head couple for RetroV were I use to live.
He asked me what I was most afraid of. I said, "losing my family"
He said every man is afraid of that, "what really scared you"
I said, "me changing and becoming the best person I could possibly be and then she doesn't change at all and then I don't want to be with her anymore"
He said, "that is extremely selfish" I said, "selfish"
He said, "for the past 2 years she has put up with you when you have been at your worst and then you become the best person you can be and you don't even give her a chance to change. That's selfish"
It hit me hard then. And then it hit me again a couple months into piecing. There have been countless times I've wanted to walk away because I didn't think she or things would change. But I'm beginning to see that they are changing and they are great. And I'm not just saying for a day. It's noticeable now. We are both happy. I'll never forget abother thing wise man told me about infidelity. He said, "infidelity isn't just physical. What I put my wife through is no different. The OM wasnt the problem. He was just a symptom of the problem"

I completely get the password, trust, all of it!!!
But you can't control any of that at all. If you think our wife would do it again then that's a different story. I know my wife did it because of what was wrong with our marriage and the things I was doing. Not that It was my fault, but had my hand in it for sure. Like i told my wife before, "I loaded the gun, you pulled the trigger"

Hang in there and have patience. As you said in your first post. This a lot harder than DBing. And you are right. DBing is all about you. And becoming a better person. Now it's the two of you again. But you can't control her actions, only yours. Always remember that

[JayMan]

Thanks, CBT, she has said she does want it, and she was actually very adamant about counseling.

Our first MC appointment was today, and I told her not to come if she was just going to fight because it wasn't going to work without commitment. She didn't show up, and I didn't expect her to. It's weird that she wants to fix our marriage, but is terrified of commitment.

[JayMan]

Of course. I'm impatient, and I don't like wasting time on stupid stuff, and sometimes I forget "stupid stuff" can be very real in the moment.

[NTX_Dad]

Oh man, so close. Hopefully she'll go to the next one.

[cbtdad]

JonF I know you realize that wasnt the correct approach as definitely shows you have a long way to go on patience:)
Its not going to get any easier. But a good MC can make all the difference.
If I would have told my W what you said she would have definitely not showed up.
You are way ahead of her as far as working on yourself and who you are. You must remember that.

[JayMan]

It actually went really well. W and I had gone to this counselor twice prior to BD. I told the C the story of her WAS period, and he literally had his mouth hanging open. I actually kept back most of the details on the A and stuff because I want W to decide how and when to share that, and take responsibility for it.

[lovethehub]

Adultery is wrong...no matter how you slice it, but clearly some people have different ways to handle it. I feel your sentiment JonF. Because crass was thrown my way, I got crass back. It hurt beyond belief....the lies and betrayal of trust on so many fronts. That feeling has cooled off. She is just not well enough to be rational in her thinking and I hope she gets the help she has always refused.
If you are at least getting apologies and contrite behaviour and honesty then things can be rebuilt. If blaming and coldness prevail, then neither can heal and work things out. Should be a team effort. Both responsible for dysfunction, but the adulterer needs to make things "safe" .

Yes, it is absolutely up to the adulterer to make the R 'safe' again. I also agree that an affair is never justified (and I never said it was)...what I AM saying is that treating your spouse so poorly for years that the FEEL JUSTIFIED having an A isn't justified either! Why do you think your spouse is so much worse than you are for their poor choices when your choices were so poor for many years????

@love - nothing I did led to an affair. Did my behavior contribute to marital problems? absolutely. Did it justify an A? NEVER. I treated my spouse great. I paid off her debt when I met her because she was living off credit cards. I paid off the car she drives. When she mistreated D13 (then D10) I made excuses for her. When she shopped incessantly, I simply gave her a credit card. When she laid in bed 18 hours a day, I said, "Well,she has issues.". When she overdosed on Vicodin, and I talked her into taking ipecac before I called 911, I never said a word. She is not worth it.

First of all, BULLSH*T. Unless your spouse is a serial cheater and not just a 'momentary whore', she didn't just decide to go have an A because her H is so terrific he puts every other H to shame. Do you even have any idea what your role is in this?

She is not worth it? Then why are you reconciling?

I am ready to forgive the A - it took a few weeks, but I was done.

Again, this is hard to believe. I don't know anyone who is 'over' an A in a few weeks...esp someone who calls their wife a whore so easily.

When she got mad on Christmas Eve, she texted OM about some grill. Why? Because she wanted me to see it on her phone, and be mad. That's someone who has serious mental issues.

Or someone who is so frustrated by their S's 'holier than thou' attitude when they are doing everything they can to fix their mistake and their S doesn't think they made any mistakes.





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[JayMan]

LTH - you're not allowed to use stuff I say when I'm mad! Seriously, I appreciate the little bit of slapping around.

I disagree with your viewpoint on the A itself, but agree the A wouldn't have happened if I had been a better man and husband - or at least I don't think it would have. I offered W a dissolution BEFORE the A which would have honorably and respectfully ended our marriage in 30 days, and then she would've been free to do whatever she wanted. But it's OK to agree to disagree!

---------------------------------

A couple of very interesting things happened this weekend that have pretty much wrecked my perspective.

1. I commented earlier about telling W not to come to counseling unless she was ready to stick with a commitment. She has SAID she was committed before, but if we would argue or disagree, she'd go all cold and walk off, but then she'd come back around again. I am really tired of the cycling. (This was Friday)

After the commitment argument, W was really angry, and I called her and texted her, and wanted to see her because I felt I was wrong, and she wouldn't even answer my calls or anything. She finally just said she needed some space.
I realized that I was still very much attached, and not in a good way, and I let go. Like genuinely completely mentally/emotionally let her go, probably for the first time in this journey. I feel freer, less stressed, more comfortable, and even feel like I'm able to see W in a different light. We've talked several times since, and I've felt no anxiety.

2. After my realization above, I pretty much quit contacting W and gave her some space. Today (two days later), she called me, and said, roughly, "I want to start fresh with you. I'm tired of living in the past. Everytime something negative happens, I start remembering all the junk from the past, and I get lost in it."

So we'll see what happens from here.