Fog City Coaster - trouble hanging on

[2ndtimearoundCA]

W just stopped by to pick up her mail. First time I have seen her in two months. I wasn't really prepared for her. When she text me two days ago, she said she was coming by 3 hours earlier than she came, so I figured it wasn't going to happen and I had forgotten about it. I was sitting in the kitchen entering grades with Christmas music blasting. I realized after she left that I was sitting in the late afternoon twilight with only Christmas tree lights on in the adjacent room. Our interaction lasted about two minutes. I had to go outside and get her mail from where I left it for her to pick up if I wasn't home. She commented on a slightly damaged window frame on the front of the house.

She returned some Christmas decorations that she took when she moved out and belong to me.

That's it. She thanked me and said bye.

Last time i saw her a gave her a hug goodbye. Didn't seem like the right thing to do this time. I noticed that her hair looked nice but didn't say anything. I was a bit toungetied. Probably would have been nice for me to say...

It is just so weird to see her for just such a short time after so long.

I may text her and thank her for dropping the decorations off.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

@Fly.. I recall that your situation was similar to mine (especially in the behavior of our w's) and that we did get here at about the same time. But, if I recall correctly, there are a couple of notable differences. The biggest being (from my point of view) that you are on your first marriage and you and your w have kids together. Those ties mean a lot.

Even if things seem hopeless now, anything is possible. I wish the best for you. If you ever want to try some of the crazy things that sort of started to work for me (but in the end it seems they didn't), let me know.

[FlyOnTheWall]

I'd have to go back and look, and maybe I typed it all out and hit the "delete" button. Which I do a lot.

Anyways, I thought I said once, I don't think time together really makes a difference. When your spouse checks out, they check out. Heck, 22 years means nothing to my wife right now (she recently said that she's regretted marrying me on our anniv. date cause it prevented her from partying with her friends, but she picked the date), and in your case almost 4. I've read 100's of posts and longer time together certainly didn't correlate to better success.


I gave it 110%, I have no regrets that I tried everything.
I think one gets to the point that they eventually realize changes have to be made by both people for any chance. Some people want to change, some are almost incapable of change, and some don't see a reason to change. And some people just run.

In the end we all realize what we do for ourselves, the changes we make, the decisions we make during our journey are really the only say we have. It also teaches us a whole new level of interaction with others, on many levels. And the regrets or lack there of that we will carry with us the rest of our lives.

So what I guess im trying to say, is don't have regrets, if there is something you wish to do, DO IT. Don't want to sit around another year from now saying "I wish....", take on those demons of regrets, face them head on, but be strong enough to say you tried with no regrets. And your willing to live with the results.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

The holidays have been harder than expected for me. I find myself slipping away in thought and sadness and do my best to pull myself out of it for my family's sake.

It has been 10 months and there have been ups and downs, but I now feel as though any real hope is lost and I have to figure out how to move on.

I am working on a longer post which started out as a response to fly above, but it has morphed into my thoughts on DBing in general... I will post that later

Here is my latest communication with w sent on 23rd. This was an email

"2nd,

My phone is officially broken & won't charge. (Phone carrier) will not allow me to open my own account & transfer my number without your cooperation. Is there anyway that you would be willing to sign a release of liabiliity for all phones conference with (phone carrier) verifying the change? I am desperate!!! I do not have a working phone, it won't charge & my work depends on 24/7 phone communication. PLEASE HELP ME!!!"

Does that communication sound like she is angry with me? I always respond to her and take care of things. I am not going to hold her hostage to our phone account. I responded within a few hours.

"Sorry to hear about your phone; I will do what I can to help you. I am in (vacation home), so I am limited. I can't scan or fax anything (and you know my reception is terrible here). Can I send an email or something? Let me know how I can help."

She has not responded. She seems desperate and then she disappears. I don't get it.

[FlyOnTheWall]

Hey 2taC,

Sorry your holidays have been kind of a bummer.

I'm not sure what to say friend, its the holidays. Your married (kinda) your wife is gone, its your first xmas without.

As far as the phone, why does having a broken phone require a new acct?, well it doesn't. You just get another phone? or am I missing something? Doesn't sound like she's being straight with you. If she wants to separate the phones why not just tell you that's what she wants?

I also think I've said this before, I don't think this has much to do with you. She's obviously got some issue that she never truly dealt with herself, unfort. your on the receiving end of it.

Maybe it is time to just let go of it all, as hard as that is. Maybe you not being there to "take care of things" will eventually make her realize you weren't the bad guy.

[FlyOnTheWall]

Just checking in on ya 2taC.

Hopefully your doing ok.

Happy New Years!

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Thanks for checking in Fly... Happy New Year

So w went ahead and got a new phone and a new number because I wasn't available and it was an emergency for her. Her son's and son's girlfriend's lines were also on my account. She needs my help to transfer the girlfriend line because it has too much time left on contract ... Long story short .. I am supposed to meet w tomorrow at phone store to transfer line. I am not sure how many more times I will even need to see w. Maybe never again.. Everything else could be done separately.

So things continue downward ... But I am doing ok

[FlyOnTheWall]

Check back in if you need to, let me know how the interaction went.

Hopefully, you'll have a full PMA going on. And remember, GREAT eye contact!! Hope you can pull it off.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

So here is where I am at.

Mid October w and I had a nice dinner together. We had been meeting up every couple of weeks for about two months. During that time w was sometimes flirty and at one point asked for sex via text, but that never materialized.

After the mid October meeting w thanked me for a nice relaxing evening. The next week I signed her up for a licensure course that she needed and she thanked me telling me that I am wonderful. The next week we exchanged some vaguely flirty texts, but at one point she didn't respond to a text I sent.

About a week later and just before Halloween, I sent a text to w asking for a picture of me from a previous Halloween. She said that she would send the picture but never did.

About a week laterf I sent a friendly text to w about a memory of us taking a class together. She did not respond.

Another week plus passed when I sent a text teasing her that she had been abducted by aliens and that is why we had been out of communication. A few days later on the Friday before my birthday in mid November she texted me back laughing at my text and asking me what I was doing. I sent a friendly response wishing her a happy weekend; I was busy.

My birthday was on Monday. She sent a very friendly happy birthday text and asked if she could take me for a drink. I responded, yes and we were to see each other Wednesday.

Late afternoon that Wednesday I had not heard from her so I sent a text and she responded that she go caught up in work with her boss and gave me a raincheck. She said was working all the time to keep her boss happy and that was her entire life.

A day or two later I sent a text suggesting that we get together on a weekend and she said that she would work right through the weekends. I suggested that she could pause to eat or get a drink and she said that she was out of town for the next two weekends. I let it go. Felt like maybe I pursued too hard.

A week and a half or two weeks later was thanksgiving. I sent a happy thanksgiving text and she did not respond.

After thanksging weekend I woke up in the middle of the night frustrated and texted her "time for something different".. Made sense to me at 3 am.

She responded "???"

I told her that she had some mail and car registration to pick up at the house. We finally connected a coupl of weeks later and she stopped by briefly to get her stuff and drop off a few Xmas decorations that she had accidentally taken. Saw her for maybe one minute.

On the 23rd our two year phone contract was exactly up and she was apparently desperate to get a new phone. I was out of town and could not help. She got a new phone and number.

This past Friday I had to meet with her to with her to transfer liability for a phone line that belonged to her sons girlfriend.

The store was not busy and I got there a few minutes before her. Once she arrived she she only had to show her id and we were done. We were together literally 15 seconds.

We went our separate ways; she looked hurried and discombobulated.

That's it. That brings my situation up to date.

I am trying to figure out what to do next. In February my situation will be a year old.

The options that I can think of:
1. Stay dark like like I have been since thanksgiving. See if she eventually reaches out to me, or work on moving on.

2. Try and send some friendly communication to her now that the pressure of the holidays has passed.

3. Send her a letter telling her how I feel and basically saying goodbye. Apparently a letter like that would never draw her back in. But at least it would give me some closure to move on.

[paul19510]

What do YOU want from this? It might be just me overthinking.... There's. No magic button. You can't. Make stuff happen and you haven't. Done anything wrong. I am struggling with this too. If she wanted to be there to talk or be with you, I guess she would. Mine too. But she's. Not. So again, what will make YOU happy. Assume she's. Not a factor in that decision and go for it.