DIG DEEP DIG ON

[makingmagic]

Hi Ambiv...

all I have to offer is ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

I really like the way Bea wrote the response...short and to the point. I agree with the others too.

more (((((((((hugs)))))))))))) ((((((hugs)))))))

Magic

[Whiterose]

Hi Ambiv,
did you see my message to you on your FB post, kinda along the same lines as people here. Thought of you last night.

I was here with H just a few months ago, you're going to be OK, send him the short email and then nothing until you've met with a L and gotten through your projects etc. Glad your D is coming home, it'll pool money and it's nice to have someone else in the house. Cadet made an interesting point about needing to do this to further REPLAY (hadn't heard that one yet) so it gives you and I something to think about.

BIG HUGS
wr

[Pudmuddle]

I'm so sorry Ambi. I have nothing to add but wanted to let you know I'm here for you.

{{{HUGS}}} my friend.

[job]

Ambivalent,
I know you are reeling and I do understand the feeling of being smacked again w/this latest text message. Take the time to find your balance and even if it means that you don't seek out legal advice until after the holidays, then so be it.

When the holidays are over, sit down and make a list of your expenses on a weekly/monthly basis. It sounds like he's not planning to pay the mortgage and would like to let the house go. May I ask you a question? Is the mortgage in both names or just his?

You will need to ask the lawyer about spousal support until you find a permanent position. What your h is going to provide to you may not be the proper amount in your state. You could very well get more or less...this will be something only you can visit w/the lawyer. If you can receive more, then go for it. If it's less, then I think I would leave it alone.

Are the credit cards joint or separate? If they are joint, you will need to ensure that your name is taken off of them and vice versa. Get your own cards to start establishing credit all on your own once again.

I do believe that you and your daughters can make this work...but all of you will need to put your heads together and work as a team. Your daughters will need to understand that Daddy Warbucks isn't going to be very forthcoming w/helping out w/the finances in the future.

Ambivalent, you are going to be okay. You are strong and very independent. You are creative and I know that you will find a way to make this work.

Get thru the holidays and then focus on what you need to do to ensure your financial situation. Come here to vent...we are here and we will try to help you any way that we can.

Mostly importantly, please take care of yourself.

[chasingpavements]

Job has brought up a good point, that if you have any joint credit cards or loans/Line of Credit, get your name taken off RIGHT away. That is the very first thing my lawyer told me. We had a joint line of credit. I was worried he would rack up debt on it with his "new" house payments and that I would be liable for this debt.

[Feenix]

I have no advice....just sympathy...and HUGS.

I'm thinking of you today.

And, know this....you ARE going to be OK! Take care of yourself...

[Ambivalent]

Wow, a gal goes on an interview and meets with daughter and look at you all! THANK YOU !

I will try and address as much as I can. I may not be succinct but I will try.

I'm going to wait on any response to H. until after the meeting with Attorney. She isn't a free consult. I will try and write a check and deposit it into my checking acct. That way, when I give the attorney a payment, it will be from my acct.

My daughter wants to stay where she is. She said she'll take another job and help me out. I told her to stay honest with me , speak up, and I'm treating her like the beautiful adult she is. I'm so proud of her, she is such support and loves with all her heart.

She is returning Christmas gifts, and preparing herself for any outcome this will bring. I have not bad mouthed my husband , but she knows that he is in FULL BLOWN. That he is not dependable, and could change his mind at ANY moment.

She sees the behavior, where it's going and I have suggested she read up on MLC. I told her I believe in my vows, and still love him but I have to go into protection mode. I am sharing what I can and will value her input and logic.



I will heed as much advice as possible on everything said. Going to as many good atty's may not work, for I don't have the money to cover their consult fee's. But I hear ya.

I'm estranged from my parent's but I will reach out to my Father first. It won't hurt as much if he says no. I'm more detached.

My mother and I have not had a relationship to speak of for over 19 years. She always reaches out, and I usually decline. To go to her for anything is torture.

Think un-medicated OCD, retaliates, and hounds you to the end of the earth for anything borrowed.

The only thing I did was to leave a message to ask her for an attorney. IF she returns the call, I will ask how she raised the money to have an atty. when she went through this. If she offers money, it will be her call.

I have a snow blower that is just sitting under a tarp. It is basically brand new, and used only about 3 or four times. I don't know if I can sell it yet. Marital property, BUT he did leave it behind when he left me behind!

Technically he has deserted. In my state, that is not good. I don't know if they give him credit for continuing to make the payments that he did, but default is a big deal.

Guys this is not looking good. I completely expect him to go off the tracks once the attorney is involved. I may not have enough time to shop around, with the mortgage sit. looming.

He is in full blown panic too. IRS back taxes, college tuition and room and board. My last payment at school. I cannot graduate until that is completed.

I mailed two boxes out to his siblings. I cannot afford to mail the last one out. It is going to CA and would cost a fortune. I will mail the box for the kids. It is smaller. I may put a card in it to his sister, letting her know I had packaged up the gift and could not afford to do it now. I'll prob. just say we are struggling since his last job lost and to please forgive us.

I'm not going to be the bad guy , he can do that.

We do not have any joint credit cards. I have documented through journaling and have the stuff I found. I have found some paperwork, and will copy them. Not going to have an atty. charge for what I can do. I have the finances he had printed up for me to look over back in May. It details what he thinks the expenses are. I have some tax docs, and I believe his first pay stub from this job. I have some documents that have come here from his new job.

This could get ugly VERY fast, and I'm in a bad situation. I should have listened to my gut back in July. I had wanted to take in kids and boarders then. He poo poo'd the kids.

If I had done what I thought I should have, I would at least have an income.

Water under now.

I can't get any renter/boarders until I know the mortgage is back up and going.

Why do I still love this man?

How does ANY person trust after this ?

I can not see him forgiving himself of this down the road.

For now , even though he is flowery ,he has NO clue what this is doing . He has no idea how this affects a woman, their children, or the chaos and havoc he has sewn.

He is still feeling guilty, hence the 21st c. Dear Jane letter. I cried a lot last night, had bursts today, and will try to get as much as I can out before the meeting tomorrow.

Unfortunately it is right before school. Not the best timing but it was what I could get.

If I missed anything, please forgive me. I'm dancing as fast as I can.

I'm all ears, am listening and encourage you to please pray. Your posts me a tremendous amount to this old gal. I am tearing up as I write this, for you guys are going to make the difference in whether I crash or rise.

I'm trying to hang in there and appreciate everything you have said to me. I wish we were in a live support group so we could touch each other through hugs. I am a bit isolated by choice, due to the stand I'm taking.

My friends don't understand, and I'm so exhausted I can't explain .

I can only imagine how Christ felt upon the cross when he felt forsaken by his Father.

Now I'm going to force myself to eat something .

Oh have any of you vets seen defaulting or attempts to default? Just wondering.

And Chasing, Reaching THANK YOU , I need to hear this.

Reaching, what were YOUR responses to the list you shared?

Everybody else, please don't be slighted I am reading and re-reading. Job , Mach, I appreciate your wisdom and your time.

You don't have to do this, it is truly a anonymous volunteer job, a gift you keep giving. This is the best Christmas present and it's lasting longer than Chanukah! I used to be envious of my best friend J. Jerome around this time , for the eight days.

How simple life was once. How very different things are today.

[reachingHigher]

Reaching, what were YOUR responses to the list you shared

It wasn't fancy, Ambiv. I heard these things many times.

I'm done
I'm never coming back
to these I just listened
Sell the house
I discussed this practically on more then one occasion. Pros and cons. We even talked about this in front of a L.
Find a place to live
Our kids are still living at home so I focused on the changes for them.
Get a job -- you don't seem in a hurry
He made me feel lazy. I went to school too. But I was so afraid. I showed him on paper what the expenses were and what I needed.
And the emotional things he said too.
mostly listened

This was a terrible time for him too. He didn't want to hurt his family. He was so confused. He had settled on a plan of action that he thought would make him happy (D). He had a lot more crisis to go through (not length of time but intensity) before he could accept that coming back was better than leaving.

This is an awful time for you, Ambiv. You've got so much good advice here tho. Cling to it. Do it.

My sitch was different. I didn't have money to pay for a L either. But I went to two and chose one and told H that if he wanted a D he would pay for it. So he did.

"25" posted a long time ago that some men hafta feel the squeeze in their wallets before they will come back to reality.

Try to follow the great advice here with these posters on the forum. Don't feel like YOU hafta process the D right here, right now. Don't let him do that to you.

[Ambivalent]

Don't feel like YOU hafta process the D right here, right now. Don't let him do that to you.

Could you please elaborate?

[Ambivalent]

Job,

The one I spoke with will push for divorce due to abandonment, and that I am not on a joint account or have cc's.

She said if she doesn't "make him feel the pressure" he will drag this out.

I am confused here...is there a difference between her creating pressure, and me creating pressure? The whole " pressure is not good for them... I do understand the difference between natural consequences and logical consequences.



She says if she doesn't sue, then I won't get what I am supposed to.


Okay now, this is because of mortgage. I am trying to hear what everyone is saying.

Don't respond with too much, keep it business, here is a dilemma that is immediately facing me.


On one hand , he wrote in the past to check with a lawyer. He knows that I have no funds, so the one I am going to see at three wants up300+ dollars just for consult.

Also, I said I have no money and explained the situation. She said to make it count...well there are many accts. One he uses for mortg. , this one, the ones he has with daughters...

Now my fear is once that is done, he may or may not retaliate and not put money into the acct. that he allows me to sign his name under.

She also wants 5,000. to retain and proceed. Because of the mortgage, I'm in a bind. He mentioned the mortgage atty. " buying time ".

Yes, I have verbal consent and a pattern of history for this consent.

Also, when it comes to just the Christmas side of this, him saying he's going to give money to our daughters, this leaves me without the ability to purchase something for them. Everything in the past was from us both.

I would like to address this and be part of this while being civil and respectful.

I am at a juncture, and do not want to screw this up.

I have not acted nor responded yet to anything. But realize this can be a pivotal moment.

I can see in his e-mail, that he is thinking aloud to himself. That he cannot see options nor his contradictions. I do see the "script". I see that he feels like he has no other choices and because of this he has to "go to the next level" It seems to be causing him angst. In the past I have shown him other options, and that he does allow me to "influence" him. The last example was that we managed to go to daughter's parent's day event, we've been out together and lived...so he came to Thanksgiving.

He is fighting his feelings and his feelings for me...

I am trying to "trust the process". I also know that the money issues are due to not facing reality and him wanting to please , in the past.

Many times he thought he was " making me happy ". So he didn't want to deny, also I believe because he made choices for himself, he felt the need to be fair with the pleasing.

This has gotten him into a huge monetary mess. I know his judgment is WAAAY off. I tend to have the right gut instinct. I know the cost of this mortg. and the upkeep (costs of utilities and maintenance) is high.

I also believe if this house goes, I'm stuck in a rental and at the mercy of landlords and have no opportunity to leave my daughters any possible inheritance.

This house will appreciate in the thirty years (or more) I have left. This area always does.

There is a strong part of me that says DO NOT LET IT GO. It has the possibility to accrue, I have fruits to can and earn at least some Christmas money in the future years. I can take in boarders and I have one room that I can set up my own side business in Esthetics.

The other side says it will be a ton of work, and I don't have an income to date, what if something happens and I can not fix it? Such as roof, or another limb falls on the house. He loses his job and finances abruptly stop. He has a breakdown and stops functioning ( no history ) but a human possibility.
I'm 53...now don't get me wrong my grandmother (one of them) lived to 110 years!
I have another part that screams...stop the default and buy more time on this.

So meeting and 300 dollars ...????? I am trying to heed, and step carefully