DIG DEEP DIG ON

[willbwell]

the L thing gets expensive even in amicable situations.
Don't want to add , but it does-
I told h back in November that I had kids and school to focus on. That D was not just signing a piece of paper. It takes a lot of time and energy.

I too have no money. The first thing I did, got a cc in just my name.

the L fees will come out of our joint....meaning less for me.
uck, all the way around.

[job]

Ambivalent,
The lawyer is correct in the fact that he may very well drag this out for a long time. Many of them do that...my xh did and it cost me quite a bundle of money in legal fees.

Yes, he has not only abandoned you, but the home as well. A home is anywhere you live and trying to keep a home up by yourself w/little or no funding can be very frustrating and expensive. No one can predict when a water pipe may burst, a heating/ac problem may arise or the roof may leak. You and only you can determine if you can put a nest egg away for these types of expenses.

Now about your daughters' inheritance. You need to think of the here and now. What happens after you have crossed over to the other side will be their concern. You have to figure out how you want to live now. I know you want to leave your daughters' something after you are long gone, but that may not happen and if it does, I'm all for it...but you are in a financial bind right now and you have to think of yourself. Your daughters' are not living at home and are on their own. You are there w/your little pups. The decision must be made wisely and not just because you want to stay there, but look at it from a financial standpoint. Is it worth it? Would it be better to relocate to an area that has more opportunities for you in the line of work? Would it be better to find a place that is less expensive? Can I afford a new place? How much income do I need to maintain my current home? Keep in mind, spousal support may not get you to where you need to be for the mortgage, property taxes and upkeep.

The initial fee that the lawyer is charging is average. Let me share this w/you. When my xh walked, he wanted a legal separation put in place. I arranged that and at the end of the day spent $8,000 on a legal separation that was never signed because my xh dragged his feet for almost three years. After attempting to get a separation in place for over a year and half I advised my lawyer to stop all actions and wait to see what he would do. He finally filed for a divorce, but by that time I had spent out of my own pocket well over $14,000. This is what the lawyer was trying to tell you....they can drag the proceedings out, costing you thousands of dollars, and at the end of the day, both lose so much in the way of money and respect for each other.

As for buying time w/the mortgage, I don't encourage people to play around w/mortgages. If he stops paying the mortgage this month, then you are going to need to come up w/the money in order to keep it from going into foreclosure at some point. I think this is something you need to discuss w/the lawyer today and see what she has to say about it.

You need to accept that his feelings right now are his and that nothing you say or do will change them. I pointed out to you in a post on December 3rd that I saw the signs of him getting ready to go into full replay. When they are like this, i.e., dividing up of property, accounts and him advising you of things, then he has made up his mind that he doesn't want to be married to you and wants his freedom to do whatever. I'm not saying this to hurt you, but stating the obvious and how he feels. Your h has done a lot of thinking and apparently has been in contact w/lawyers discussing the options of ending the marriage and doing it in a wise manner. Your h has done his homework and he's been thinking about this for a while. What I do see is that he does feel guilty about leaving you in a bind and the fact that he's not been able to set things up better financially for you, but for now, they are his feelings to own. At least he's not been crazy enough to just leave you in a lurch w/all of the bills and you have to figure out everything. I will give him that brownie point. Mine walked away and dropped everything in my lap in the way of expenses, etc.

In my opinion, you need to file because you need spousal support now. You can't rely on him continuing to do so w/o some type of agreement in place. The agreement may need to have a statement in there that states he will pay spousal support until you finish school and have a full time permanent position. Please note, generally once you are working, spousal support will cease. Just food for thought.

You do need to acknowledge his email and when you do, do not share anything that you have discussed w/your lawyer. That information is to remain between the two of you. As for the $5,000 retainer fee, you may need to ask your parents for the money w/the understanding that you will pay them back. I don't think your h will cover this, but you can also put it out there that since he wants a divorce, he will pay all fees associated w/a divorce. The next question is...where is he filing? Is he filing in MD? If so, then your lawyer will need to be familiar w/MD laws and if he files in MD and you have to go to court, then there will additional fees associated w/travel time to court. Just things to think about asking. Keep in mind, if you file, you will be filing in VA and on your own home turf and he would be the one that would have to pay fees associated w/travel costs if the lawyer is in MD.

As for the gifts to your daughters, when you acknowledge his email ask him if he will include you in those gifts. In his mind, he's already separated from you completely and may not even have thought about including you in the gift giving process.

Ambivalent, I'm truly sorry you are having to face this. I traveled the road you are on many years ago at this exact same time of the year. Please keep in mind that I don't advocate divorce. However, the only thing that I would have changed is that I would have filed early on and if something had changed later on down the road, I would have been able to stop the divorce. A divorce is nothing more than a piece of paper and if God has a plan for you and your h to reconcile, it will happen when he sees it is the right time. Just remember, dragging out a divorce is very, very expensive and even though you don't want it, he does.

When you are dealing w/divorce, you have to leave your heart and feelings at the door and wear your business hat. You have to take care of you and your financial well being, as the mlcer does not worry too much about that when they are in the midst of a full blown replay. Nothing against your h, but you need to think of what you need to do in order to survive and live from day to day.

If you have any questions about how I handled my situation, I'll be glad to answer them.

[Ambivalent]

Mach, I noticed this as well. It is as if he is thinking aloud,, he does that when he writes. I'm glad I was not the only one to see this.

Also, Thank you for coming , I appreciate your wisdom.

[Ambivalent]

Okay Job, I'm listening...
In the state where I am, because we've been together 33 years, alimony is based on years, lifestyle, whether I stayed at home, my age...His attorney did let him know back in March, that he would be paying a hefty amount. I don't want to post it. What is truly odd, any good attorney would tell him NOT to leave the house! So , he may or may not have actually gone to someone, either way...he has been battling this within for awhile.

I'm in self-preservation mode.

Prior to reading you and all that you wrote, I wrote a letter.

I am NOT sending it, but it released some feelings and helped me to cope...
The only part I may send is in italics. ===============================================================

I hear what you are saying, there are other choices and options but I accept the choice you've made.



I have come to a different choice.


A choice was made by my parent's and they regret it . A choice was made by your father, and he never found happiness with external changes. His inner uneasiness was brought with him to every relationship he embarked upon, thus culminating in multiple divorces.



Because of their choices and poor decisions, children were battered, bruised , and forever scarred. No matter the age, it is detrimental and traumatizing.



I will not participate in passing down more harm. I will not participate in a decision made in temporary confusion, physical and emotional duress, while hormonal and chemical changes are occurring in one's body.



Love, respect, and concept of commitment, are all easy when things are going well, it is a no brainer.



It is when it is in poorer, sickness, bad times and for worse, that counts . Real commitment is difficult, and challenging.



I'm not a quitter and I believe in us. I have proven this and will stand strong in my belief.



I'm not willing to let the house go at this moment. It is not a good choice, for us, for me, for our children, and for the future. You are looking out for you. Because of this I will protect myself and the possibility of saving this home, a strong possibility of equity in the distant future, and something with either retire with or bequeath to our children.



I am not clouded by confusion and the fear of temporary emotions. I'm not afraid to dig in and work hard. I am not willing to make a mistake that later may be the biggest regret of my life. I am not afraid to face my fears and my temporary emotions.



I am not afraid to face my uncertainty, will not run away , my fortitude is strong. I have embraced working on my challenges within and have not shied from change.



Change can be good or bad. If it causes destruction, without rebuilding on a better foundation, it is bad. If it causes positive growth and acceptance, it is good. If it is just external it will be fleeting and shallow. If it is introspective and sharing, it is good. I choose good change.





Whether you see "urgency" or not is not the issue or a reality. You should understand, since you have gone through 9 months and 6 months of seeking and searching.



Your issues are within yourself what you experienced in your family, the way others treated you, the way you internalized how you were perceived and the identity you developed from that. Choices you made then have you questioning and confused, possibly even seeking to be someone new, better, different...



It is not about me or the imperfect marriage we've had. Even if I was the perfect wife/mother, you would still be going through what you are going through.



This is your choice. I have accepted this .



I have stuck to my commitment to finish school, have interviewed, and continue. I have a clear focus on saving our home.



Soon I will embark on a full time career. It is in its infancy, and I will embrace the challenges of my decisions.



Consequences happen, I will be proud to hold my head up and be a good example to our daughters.



I will be proud to show them that when it was tough, difficult, seemingly hopeless, that I persevere. I will not teach them hate, but unconditional love. Love and compassion . I will teach them that family is far more important than things and



The school needs it's payment, you can call and complete that commitment. I have passed one exam, one to go. Without the final payment I will not graduate and can not take the state boards. The choice is yours.



As for Christmas, I do not believe giving cash is a good idea. Especially at this moment. I came to you earlier to brainstorm on what to do. I was told there was no money. You are now saying there is. Because of your statement to me, I have prepared boxes for your siblings and made gifts for their families. Our own daughters I have not shopped for.



I know abcde needs a bra from the shop in pppppp. I know fghijk
wants a scale . I have nothing to give them to date...I believe you should rethink giving them cash, so that there is something under a tree for them. I have your brother's present from my earlier planning.



The choice to do this at this time was yours.



A.

[reachingHigher]

Hi Ambi!

Disregard what I said. I just meant if you could delay a couple of weeks and have a decent Christmas and New Years and work on this D in January.

You and I are the same age and are SAHM's but there are some important differences in our sitches. I didn't have the $ crisis. We have no mortgage, car bills or anything else but we had money in the bank.

Cost of living is low here and L's consultations were free

After my H's very low ball offer of spousal support, I did file and say what I needed and he later agreed to it. I could've stayed in our home and not gotten a job and homeschooled and had money left over. And I have two boys that can fix things.

You have a crisis impending. Job has given a very reasonable and well thought out post. I don't want to confuse the issue just b/c things worked out for me. My h had already been in replay for at least a year and a half.

I'll just offer hugs and no more advice.

We lived in loudoun county 10 years ago before moving here and our house appreciated almost $50K in two years. But I'm sure the market is different now.

I agree with job about worrying about yourself first and inheritance later. It's just another casualty of D. I'm so sorry for this terrible heartache

Hugs,
rH

[Ambivalent]

Thanks Reaching, yeah under in mortg. , owes back taxes, daughters apt. and college, other daughter always asking for money, I'm the "easy one to get rid of" so he thinks, wants to spend and spend some more.

What I don't get is that I become another "bill" or debt.

It may be better to downsize, and he needs to be held accountable and help with the costs of move, packing, all the money upfront on leasing, so I can get in. It may be better to do it while I don't have a job yet. That way I have time to get things sorted out.

I'll find out.

He wants to alleviate guilt and the only way he sees is by doing things fast and setting me up.

[Ambivalent]

It's going to cost him money to get this going too, and to think he thinks this is going to be a positive change. What a choice...but perhaps I should really look at this.

He could spiral farther down and I go get sucked into it. I will be getting angry soon. For once I get through pain, I get angry at the cost of all this.

Does anyone in the D.C. Metro area need a brand new snow-blower?

[job]

Advertise the snow blower on craig's list or eBay. Do 3x5 cards and place them on the bulletin boards in the stores around you. You'll sell it very quickly now that we've some flakes recently.

If you are going to acknowledge his email, keep it very simple and to the point. He's not up to reading huge amounts of words. He doesn't care how you feel right now and quite frankly, all he is looking at is dumping all responsibility, the sooner the better.

As for being responsible for packing, moving, etc....I hope he does help out w/that...but they don't generally do. It's like getting blood from a turnip when it comes to money.

You need to find out which state he's planning to file in.

Good luck this afternoon. Again, if you have any questions, I'll be happy to try to answer them for you. Also, a word of caution, please be very careful what you post on here concerning negotiations, etc. This board may have members log in to post, but anyone can come here and read our postings. Will they know who you are? Some will figure it out if they know your situation. Not saying it will happen to you, but we've had others have this happen and they left the board for a bit and came back w/new poster names and kept their info very brief.

Ambivalent, good luck this afternoon. Ask questions and write down everything you can.

[BrightFuture]

Ambiv, I don’t really have anything to add here. You are getting very good advice from people who went through this.

I just wanted to comment on rH’s post: “"25" posted a long time ago that some men hafta feel the squeeze in their wallets before they will come back to reality.” – my H has been felling this squeeze for some time now, but it doesn’t look like he is coming back into reality. He hasn’t filed yet, but I think it is because he doesn’t want to be involved in litigation process. He is trying to avoid the confrontation (his words.)

I do agree with job, that it looks like you H is entering the full replay, and he thinks that by getting rid of his old life is going to make him happy. I’m so sorry that it is happening to you. You seem to be in good spirit though, trying to handle it like a business transaction. Good for you. Don’t lose this perspective.

[job]

Bright,
IMO, those that wake up when the wallet is being squeezed are those very close to landing back into reality. Those that are in the early stages of replay or full blown replay, don't really care about the money, i.e., just as long as they get more than their share. LOL! It's the old "me, me, me and more me" song.

That's why it's very important to strike as early as possible and get your ducks in a row about your finances, bills, etc. It's important that none of those items are delinquent because it's too difficult trying to back paddle and pay them w/late fees, etc.

Yes, we are all shocked and stunned at the beginning, but we have to try to find our wits about ourselves and take care of what needs to be done...financial protection. Yes, we can continue down the yellow brick road while doing this and yes, we can also be very angry about all of the cr@p we go through to get to the other side. In fact, anger will help to spur someone on if they are stuck in denial or the bargaining stages (these are the stages whereby we are more focused on getting them back than on our financial situations).

Heed the wonderful advice that Golf Mom posted and I'll continue to hammer home the importance of getting finances in order quickly rather than drag your feet about it.