DIG DEEP DIG ON

[BrightFuture]

Ambiv, take a deep breath. This is a lot to digest, I mean the e-mail. I’m not in the best position to give you an advice here. The only thing I can tell you is to do nothing right now. Process your feelings. Don’t panic. It seems that there is some money concern for him, so he is talking about short sale.

Communication by e-mail can you give you some advantages now. It is going to be OK.

[MileHigh]

First and foremost, I would not answer right away. I agree with Bright. Don't panic. Don't do anything right now. You have school, the holidays, etc. to think about. Don't rush anything. Just focus on the next minute, or just today - whatever it takes to get through the day.

[T-boned]

Ambiv, my heart goes out to you. I so know the pain from hearing those words that they are not coming back. Makes you just want to throw up. But, I have to agree with MileHigh who seems to have consistently great advice. Do nothing - sit with it a while.

Know there are sooooo many others out there who are thinking of you tonight. And don't keep yourself from feeling and expressing your emotions - find a safe place where you can be alone and scream, yell, cry, curse, pound fists on a pillow - anything, just get the hurt out!! Then repeat as necessary . . I found it very helpful.

You are definitely in my prayers tonight.

((((BIG HUG)))))

[beatrice]

Ambi - my dear, you just got the MLC script. I am so sorry, but as Job said, your h has a long way to go.

I agree, do not reply in a hurry. Do not attempt to try and reason with him, engage in discussion or any of that. Believe me, it does no good. If you do make a good and fair point he will simply change the ground of the discussion.

You will get better advice than mine, but here is my 2c.

Thank him for letting you know, say you are very sorry that he has come to this decision, but acknowledge that it is his choice.

Then go dark, really really dark. he wants out, and he gets it. That is the deal. It will be easier on you, having no contact. Trust me on that. Seeing them in full blown MLC is a world of hurt and pain.

See a lawyer, check the financial position, and protect yourself NOW. The one thing I wish I had done sooner. i kept thinking he would not screw me over.

Allow yourself to feel bad. It isn't about you, it is his problem. Right now you feel shocked, hurt and probably a bit numb.

You have your girls, and your friends. Please be very gentle and nice to yourself. Then dry your eyes, pull up the big girl panties, and make the most of the rest of your life.

Your husband might come out of it, and he might not. You can go on loving him, but he is not to be relied on for anything right now.

hugs,

[Cadet]

I think you have gotten good advice so far and I am going to add this.

This is actually forward movement in the tunnel as much as you may not like it.

The MLC'er needs to believe that the marriage is totally destroyed to progress in REPLAY.

So yes it would be better to embrace this rather than fight it.
I am not saying to not see a lawyer.
Most definitely go see one ASAP
Protect yourself as best as you can cause the
saying that things might get worse before they get better is always an axiom.

Yes you are going to be in PAIN, that is part of his fuel so he can keep moving and thinking that ESCAPE and AVOID is going to save him.
It wont.
But he must learn this on his own

LET HIM GO.

(((((HUGS)))))

[willbwell]

ambivalent, I am praying for you, for all of us.
I know the 'I'm not coning back speech.' I heard it as well.

your head will be spinning.
put it down for now. give yourself time to process.

[CallaghanClown]

Send a holding email, as I would have said in my previous life.

Something along the lines of thank you for your honesty. I will look over your email and get back to you after the holidays.

Then get your lawyer in place and work out your financials. I'm not sure what the alimony situation is for you guys but work out if you need to get a job too.

But do not rush anything other than talking to your lawyer. That's a first.

[job]

Ambivalent,
I'm so very sorry you received this MLC scripted email, but I'm not surprised. It's very common for them to send emails versus talking to you because it is easier and they don't have tohear your voice or see the pain on our faces because they don't want to hear us beg, plead or cry. Why? The guilt is too much for them and they would rather have that "space" in between us so that the guilt isn't quite so bad. I'm not making excuses for him, but the holidays tend to have many of them drop this type of bomb on their spouses.

He's given a lot of thought to the situation and it appears he has met w/someone to discuss the mortgage. He's been quite the busy man the last few weeks. This explains his distancing and lack of communication since Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving gave him a lot to the think about apparently he felt a lot of guilt playing a role that he was no longer comfortable in playing, i.e., husband, father and sibling. I'm sorry he dropped this news on you at this time. I do know how it feels because this is the exact same time mine did it as well.

I'm w/Bea on acknowledging the email, advising him that you are sorry that he's come to this decision and yes, even acknowledging that this is his choice. But say nothing more at this time.

I do hope that you took my advice several weeks ago and made an appointment w/an attorney. If you didn't, you now need to move forward and seek the advice of one, i.e., don't put this off any longer. Get your financial papers in order because you will need to know where you stand financially. Do not rely on him to be the man you once knew and will take care of you. YOU have to take care of YOU. You can't rely on him being the good guy that will be there for you and make sure you are okay.

Your daughters are going to need to tighten their belts and begin to think about their finances. Your h isn't going to continue paying a lot of their expenses for them. Why? Because he's going to be spending the money on himself and what he thinks he needs to self medicate. I'm sorry to say this, but he's got a long way to go because his replay is just now taking off. Life as they knew it is going to change, but it may not happen right away, but it will happen.

I know that this is a shock to you, especially this time of the year, but you've got to have that cry and then pull yourself together. Pick yourself up, pull up your big girl panties and as Bea has said...make the most of the rest of your life.

No one knows if he'll come of it or not, but for now...let him go mentally, emotionally and physically. It is now time for you to focus completely on YOU and your life. The holiday season won't be easy to get thru, but you will. Do only what you feel is necessary in the way of entertaining and take care of you. Pamper yourself, be kind to yourself and accept the fact that this isn't about you at all, but about him and what he needs to do to find himself. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.

Again, I am very sorry to see him do this now.

[Ambivalent]

I am spinning. Do I acknowledge the receipt of the Dear Jane letter or not?

I wanted to take in children this past July, and interviewing families in August, but he was the one that poo poo'd it. Now I'm stuck. We have CRAPPY credit due to him not paying a mortgage before, when he got riffed, and now he wants to default! How in the heck am I going to get accepted to RENT anything with five little dogs? I have an interview today, project due tomorrow, and I don't know which way to turn !

I am OVERWHELMED and I don't want to make things worse, and I have to save the house !

I already got my daughter prepared to get a loan for school. She has decided to sell her eggs! Can you imagine, to survive and get through school without debt, she is willing to do this? She has a job.

I am going to tell her to get a loan too, so she has back up no matter what!

[Ambivalent]

I just got off the phone with daughter #2. She is 21 and one of the most organized, and logical individuals I know. We discussed her moving back home. My H. gives her 1200 a month for her apt. and necces. She is going to give her room-mates January and Feb. rent no utilities, and move back home.

We are in self-preservation mode. She will start the loan process for the Fall semester, so that will be her back up finances . She can put the loan money in the bank, and if the egg donation process goes through, which it should, she will be set. I will take in one boarder as soon as possible for the extra room I have. I prefer a student from the college nearby.

My H. will not know about the move until daughter tells him he doesn't have to pay rent anymore. Once the funds for college have been finalized, he will be told he no longer has to pay that.

I will look into either taking in kids for a year...driving a school bus...whatever I can get.

Due to the dogs and credit, staying here is the most logical for the future. It will be a struggle and I hope we can do it.