Afraid I have waited too long

[MrBond]

Just move back and stop worrying about what she is going to do or not do.

[nit84]

I a have question, I haven't brought up the R discussion personally, both times we had a R talk it was brought up by the W. I am having some conflicting feelings about this. I am feeling like I need to initiate a heart to heart talk with my W no matter the consequences one way or the other, this limbo position is really working on me. Both times she brought the R up it was about her feelings and nothing I could do could help her feel better at that point so we should move forward with the D in her words. The last R talk was 7 weeks ago. There has been some good contact between us and some bad contact between us in the weeks that followed. No movement toward the D though. No Splitting of assets or separate accounts nothing.

I have continued IMC though this time and actually since the S began and I am feeling that all these sessions have helped me realize where we or at least I went wrong in the M and how to be a man that no woman could live without. The last time I asked her to attend an appt was during the first R talk back in Aug she declined. She then said maybe she needed to go to counseling when we had R talk in Oct. I encouraged it but she backed off fairly quickly so I didn't push it.

I just was reading a really deep thought provoking piece the other night and had a sort of an Epiphany while doing so. I think I now know why I couldn't ask my W to have a baby with me 3 years ago, Instead waiting till last May to finally do it. I believe this is a large part not all but a large part as to why we are S at this point.


I always wanted children but always found excuses to put it off. Then after 9 years it hit me that we needed to start a family I didn't know how to approach the W fearing her answer or reaction. I then started beating myself up mentally and regretting the fact that it took me this long to realize that nothing should have kept us from having children earlier. This was only due to my own stupidity. By hating myself for being so stubborn or stupid(your choice as to which)I feel it kept me from being straight-forward with the woman I wanted to be the mother of my children.

My question then is this- Do I include this as part of R talk that I bring up now? Or is it water under the bridge and I will have to live with it for the rest of my life and don't even worry about bringing up a R talk at the present time?

I am a better person and would be a better a husband if given the chance. I know this is her decision to make but I feel like doing nothing is not helping the situation. It is very hard to talk on the phone or by text to her, whether it is her initiating it or it is me making contact. I still hear the hurt and resentment in her voice. When I see her I look into her eyes and I see hurt but also I see a lot of questions. Like "why couldn't you tell me this sooner?" or " I don't want to believe you will keep up the changes because if I believe you and come back I might get hurt again?".

I think this part of the reason she does not want me to move back because when we are on the phone or texting she can be tough. When we are together she has to look at me and I am able to understand and empathize with her now unlike before and I think it bothers her that I have acquired this capability or just
realized I had this capability all along and didn't know how to use it. When I look into her eyes I now understand how much I have hurt her and more importantly what I need to do to make our M stronger than before.

I do not tell her what IMC has taught me instead with limited personal contact I am trying to show her. I just wish she wouldn't keep me at an arms length so much. Any help on the questions or any suggestions as to how to soften her heart some?

[nit84]

My W told me that she felt so alone for the last two years of our M. I have tried over the past six months during our S to give her time and space. I have tried probably not very well to not pursue but to at least keep contact with her. I slipped up a couple times and told the W that I loved her.

Over the last 3 weeks I have not contacted her. She contacted me twice and I replied after a few hours but kept it short. I have not gone over to the marital home in a month.

I guess what I am asking is. Is this the smart thing to do? I mean she felt lonely and here I am not contacting her because it hurts too much.

I just dont understand her unwillingness to go to counseling. I have only asked twice since the S.

Am I just supposed to keep waiting because it is her decision to reconcile or not? She has all the power.

Is there some technique to pull her back in and take some of the power back without pushing her away further. I have been GALing and trying to keep a PMA but this feeling that I should be doing something not just waitng for W to get out of the fog or make up her mind is overwelming me at the moment.

The last R talk we had was 8 weeks ago and was brought up by her. She said then that she wanted to move foward with the D but needed a couple weeks because she had to research things because she wants to try and do this without attys involved. After two weeks she told me she didnt have time to do this research so it was going to be a bit longer. I want to know what her thoughts are currently but I am leery of asking because I know I am not supposed to bring up R talk.

I am losing confidence that I am doing right thing and going about this correctly. Any advice?

[nit84]

New development I told my W I was moving back gave a days notice after giving her 8 weeks to come up a draft for separation of assets for me sign then she said she would move out. She did not produce anything. I moved back yesterday not totally back in because she asked for a couple days to move out as she says she cant live with me because she is afraid of me. I told her she did not have to leave because it her house also.

I told her that I still loved her and was totally invested in working all this out. But in the meantime I had to move on with my life and this was the first step. She had said she would get an atty with her Christmas money. Because I was forcing her out of the house. Told her I consulted an Atty to protect myself. She asked why I didn't file then. I told her because she is the WAW and it is up to her to do it. She said she couldn't file because she doesn't have a job and very little money. Go get a job she had one for 14 years prior to this I told her.

She said that because I am NO longer drinking, I am in IMC, I am losing weight and going to church I think I am holier than thou. I disagreed respectfully and said these are things that I am doing for myself no one else. She said after 17 years of us being together and me being a "drunk".( I am not an alcoholic we both like to go and have good time but that is when most of our arguments started so she labeled me that.) All of the sudden your not drinking but still go to bars. I said correct because honestly that is where our friend base hangs out.

IMHO, She is upset that I am not sitting around moping and I have the desire to not drink which she figured would never happen and it would make it easier for her to leave. She sees all the changes in me and it is making her upset because now she has kinda made her bed by separating and is getting advise to stay away from me but it is confusing because I truly am working on myself during this S and she didn't think I would.

I cannot change her mind about the M she has to do that herself. I need to know how to handle from here. I think atty will not be involved yet so I have some time to let it play out I think. There is more to the story but this is getting a little long. I don't feel good about this because she says she has no place to go but she does it just pulls at my heart when she is hurting even if it is her own doing.

[MrBond]

Good for you. You're doing great. She's still trying to find fault in you without realizing that she is the one who has the issues that need working on.

Hang on though because things are going to be much worse. Don't be surprised if she starts accusing you of things you never knew about. Or starts making outrageous claims. Hold your ground.

[adinva]

Why not make a contract with her to provide for her safety?

Sit down and listen to her concerns, get them concretely in writing, and promise with a signature and a witness that the FIRST time any of those things she's concerned about happens, you will move out within 24 hours.

[nit84]

She called the police they came and basically said we cant make either of us leave. This upset her highly and she turned it around on me saying "are you happy with what you are doing?" I said absolutely not. I want to still work on things because I am still in love with her.

I dont think a contract will be acceptable to her. She is just saying these things because she is justifing her position. She told me I was crazy and demented and all of our friends and family told her so.

I said all our friends and family know I want a baby with her. She said anybody who believes that is just as nuts as me.

She called my mom when we first started discussing all this or rather her yelling at me and I trying to validate her feelings. She asked my mom if she knew what was happening and my mom replied yes he is coming to the and thinking about moving back in. She hung up and came out and said " I thought you said I could depend on your family because they love me and I love them." She said that is not the case and my family is conspiring against her. Because they knew I was doing this.

She said she is stupid she should have filed back when we separated but didnt because she didnt think I would surprise her like this and just force my way back in and force her to move out. She says she has no place to go. She has family to stay with it just wont be as free and easy as living by yourself in a nice without anybody to question what you are doing

[MrBond]

Yep it's gotten worse.

[nit84]

Is an event like this something that might help a WAW realize that S or D is not all puppy dogs and pigtails? Possibly leading them to reconsider their decision to walk away?

[MrBond]

No. She's the one causing all of these things to happen to her so she hasn't had to experience any of her consequences. Just continue doing what you want to do without any fear of what she will or will not do.

Tread lightly during this period. She may look for and come up with made up accusations to have you removed from the home.

It happens all the time.