DIG DEEP DIG ON

[beatrice]

Hi, these are good posts, and capture what some people challenge - the strangeness and alienation of the MLCer. My xh would like us to have the situation Gillian and Robin - a sort of reconciliation but without him acknowledging the past eight years. He doesn't want to live with me but he does want me in his life.

I think there is no psychological reality to this, and it is profoundly unhealthy. These people really do have to work through all of this in order to have a relationship of any meaning.

[job]

Bea,
I agree w/you, they must work through their issues and heal in order to a meaningful relationship down the road. If, they don't work through all of their issues and heal, they will continue to repeat the same mistakes again and again in future relationships.

[Ambivalent]

Well ladies you hit the nail on the head, yet again. My father had a few relationships, then he married a woman five years older than my older sister. He lost me on that one. It disgusted me, and he never ever made an attempt to be a loving father. Well to make a long story short...SHE had a mid-life crisis! Left my father about a few years ago, for another man. Much younger than my father!

My husband's father had three wives before he just passed away this past year! Neither of them ever learned.

At this point , it would hurt terribly if he decided to get married to another woman. I'm sure something will happen soon come January or February.

I know these men are in panic mode, but I'm not very attracted to cowardly behavior. We all have baggage, and a crisis shows us who we really are, and who they really are.

I'm not sure yet if will want someone who doesn't look within themselves, and fight and grow. Yes we were young when we married, we also both took the same vows. I meant mine, and I took those vows seriously. I didn't say I would take him in the better times, in richer and only in health.

I could have bailed, when he brought a stripper in our home for his friend's bachelor party. I could have bailed when he lost his job, and we had to sell our house of fifteen years. I could have bailed when he used a stripper. I didn't. Those were not for better.

He may not have had a choice to have this crisis, but he does have a choice what he does with his behavior. It is not okay to rob a bank, physically abuse someone, steal, rape or murder. Yes those are extremes, but it is not okay to desert someone either. This is what he has done.

He could have communicated , gotten himself into weekly therapy, researched , instead he ran away. This is a person of weak character. I'm so glad I don't have sons, for I would hate for them to learn this behavior and sometime down the road repeat it and cause another woman this pain.

Oh well, C'est la vie!

Tonight was the last dance class 'til January. I'll miss it. We're still have the Friday dances. I believe the theme for dance is tacky Christmas!

I'm excited for the Friday after Christmas. My youngest said she'd come to the Friday lesson before the dance and stay for the dance! I hope she likes it , and has a great time! We already share tennis, this would be another fun thing I could do into my elderly years!

Job, I haven't reached out to H. about Christmas. Since he's been A W O L , I'm wondering if I should just let it be. I will invite his brother, but I'm not that enthused about extending to H. I figure he's a big boy, and if he's not willing to reach out, it probably is the best. My girl's need to see him for who he is right now, and if he makes no attempt then it is what it is. Let me know what you think, I'm reeeeally not feeling the need. He doesn't want to participate. I'm not the only one he's chosen not to contact.

I'm not in the mood for lies, stories, or excuses.

[Ambivalent]

* I meant when he used a prostitute, not stripper.

[Hopefull2]

Amb,

First thanks for the post on being mentaly strong. I know I need to continue to remind myself of some of them...

There is so much in what you have said here....
"He may not have had a choice to have this crisis, but he does have a choice what he does with his behavior. It is not okay to rob a bank, physically abuse someone, steal, rape or murder. Yes those are extremes, but it is not okay to desert someone either. This is what he has done.

He could have communicated , gotten himself into weekly therapy, researched , instead he ran away. This is a person of weak character. I'm so glad I don't have sons, for I would hate for them to learn this behavior and sometime down the road repeat it and cause another woman this pain."

I ended up in a coversation with W and she commented how she was proud of what she has accomplished and who she has become. I validated that, because there are changes she is making in finding herself that are good. But I also stated that I disagreed with how she has chose to do so. Running away and hurting those around you including your children is not the way to improve oneself....

But having said that I also remind myself of something that has stuck with me all along this journey, which I believe to be especially true do to my Wife's abuse growing up. That their pain is greater than what we realize....

Thanks for all your posts AMB, keep busting and improving you... You are going to shine one day, I can already start to see the glow

[Ambivalent]

Hi Hopeful!

I agree pain and depression are at the root. We can take that and empathize. Again, I can see how it is destroying the person we knew. I also can look at it for what it is too. Self-absorption.

I think much of this has to do with competition and jealousy too. For if one didn't compare oneself to those that surround them and expect. If one didn't envy what one perceive other's to have.

It brings me back to keeping up with the neighbors, or what now people see on Facebook. If a person of depth and character could get out of themselves and see what they could give rather than what they can take.

If they can look outside of themselves and see/know that there will always be others who have or attain more than themselves. Just as there will always be those that have less.

Life isn't a competition. Attaining a family and providing is not a competitive sport. Success isn't about material goods or power. Happiness can not be provided by goods or beings.

This is where I see a difference between selfishness and self introspection. What is it that triggers the component of self preservation at all costs? The cost of losing or purposely destroying what was created and built? What triggers the self-sabotage v.s. self-help?

[Pudmuddle]

great posts Ambi. you made me laugh with your little quips at the beginning of each one, lol.

[Ambivalent]

Today was a busy day.

I shredded paper to make filler for the boxes. Wrapped up the banana curd and nutella, then the dehydrated liver treats for the cats in one family and dog in the other. Those animals will be happy campers! Of course the last to go in were the gurmoo
waffles I made.

I managed to get to the gym and workout. Apparently Bo Derek was there sometime this past week and the owner had photos taken with her. She has a great plastic surgeon, for she looks pretty much the same.

Tonight was a school night and so was the written final. I really wasn't going to take it until after Christmas. I just haven't been able to make myself study. Well the girls all talked me into it and so I went ahead .

I was unbelievably surprised at the results, even without studying I got a B+ ! So one down and the practical to go.
My daughter will be my model so it will be a bit of a dance to get all the schedules together.

I picked up a letter from the post office about the mortgage. Apparently the check he sent a week ago bounced.

So I to photo's from my cell of the letter. I sent them in a text, without saying anything. He has not responded, which is unusual for him. I'll let it ride for twenty four and then see where it goes.

Obviously something is preoccupying him since the lack of communication. I am trying not to get anxious or allow myself to spin. I am still pretty astonished that I was able to even pass the exam with all the stuff going on.

If anyone out there prays, a few would be appreciated.

[Ambivalent]

I just checked my email :

I need support and help please !!

" When I told you before that I had not come to a final conclusion about our marriage, I was not being honest. When I moved out, my thinking was that I was unhappy and couldn't see continuing the path my life and our relationship was on. I've been struggling with my feelings about the state of our marriage. I don't like the idea of being divorced yet I didn't like the idea of staying in our relationship even more. I've met with a councilor on several occasions and with his help really tried to examine what I feel, what it means and what do I do about it.



I have come to believe that I am being unfair to you by dragging this process out and not coming to a decision about our marriage.



In talking it out, I realize that I have made a decision. I am not coming back. Maybe subconsciously I am uncomfortable actually letting those thoughts form in my mind, because actually saying it would mean hurting you more. Even now....it is infinitely easier to write this email than to call and have this conversation. Thanksgiving was bittersweet. While I enjoyed the familiar surroundings and the traditions of family etc, it felt awkward and uncomfortable.. I think I've been giving you the false hope that I would feel differently at some point. I can only imagine what the girls think.



I hate doing this during the holidays, but everything I read tells me that its relatively normal for this to happen at this time. The whole family nature of the season exacerbates everything.



So, It's time for me to face facts



I will not be coming to Hamilton for Christmas. I will have gifts for the girls (mostly cash) and something small for you. Please don't get me anything. This is hard enough for me already.





I know you want to stay in the house but I don't see how that's going to be possible. I just don't make enough money to keep things going as they are. Something has to give. Paying for d's apartment let alone tuition, Car repairs, your day to day expenses, my day to day expenses, paying for your school.... it's all killing me. Maybe if you had a full time job, it would be different. Honestly, you should be making a regular income of some kind. It's now been 7 months since I moved out. I don't feel that you have any sense of urgency.



It's time to take the next step and put in place a legal separation agreement. I will contact a lawyer and work on drawing up something. I don't want to fight about money, or make this any more difficult than it is. I will take responsibility for our debts and deposit money into your account. You need to decide what to spend it on. How much rent you can afford etc. After the new year, I expect AMD to reduce my salary somewhat and put me on a more normal Compensation plan. We can discuss what that means financially when I know more.



After the holidays, you should start looking into more affordable places for to live. I looked on Craigslist in Loudoun, if that's where you want to live, there are apartments, townhouses and even some single family homes available. It should be something that you decide and can afford with the money I will be putting into your account. xxxxxx should be able to help. We need to put the house up for sale. It will probably be a short sale. We can use xxxxxx for it if you like. If not, I will find someone else. Before I moved out, I met with a Mortgage focused lawyer about the process of a short sale. They can help negotiate with the mortg. co.and buy us time. I suggest not paying any more on the current loan. That will give us time to put some money aside for you to have for down payment on a rental.



For the time being, I'd like to communicate via email. Right now I feel like it's much easier for me to think clearly and be honest this way.

[Ambivalent]

Please guys, vets, I need some guidance, and support.