Time to move on?

[ces67]

Thanks KG. Fortunately, the kids seem happy and continue to do pretty well in school. My concern is that they are learning very bad relationship skills by watching us. If they try this stuff when they get married they are in for a very rough ride and I feel bad for them and their future spouses. That's why I want to do something now.

My son has a girl who is somewhat of a girlfriend Over break we were out of town and he was upset. Said she was deal with stuff and he felt he should be there to help her. He said he things she has some type of depression. I talked to him about being a good friend but he needed to understand that is something he cannot fix.

I spoke to a lawyer today for the first time. I asked about rates for an initial consult and he was willing to spend about 20 minutes on the phone with me going over some of the basics just to assist. He provided his rates, information about our state laws and how child support & alimony are handled. He talked about the process, standard timing for uncontested divorces and the reality of how things go when there are issues to resolve (which there usually are). He said I should expect the process to take about a year once the process is started.

He seemed like a decent guy and was recommended by a friend of mine.

There are several decisions I need to figure out. My W got her initial certificate to teach a few years ago when we moved here but instead of focusing on getting a job, she spent her time going back to our former home to see the OM and her friends. She's been working to get into the school systems since the fall and is finally making a bit of headway. There is a chance she could find a teaching job for the fall (8 months away).

I have no interest in leaving her in dire straights. I have no need to punish her. It would help many things if she were working and helping to pay down debt.

I also found out more about the department store credit card she opened in my name. She opened the account in June and bought school stuff for the kids and then didn't use it again until December and she used it again to buy some Christmas gifts. That still does not excuse using my information to open an account without me knowing and she certainly didn't explain thats how she was buying these things. I assumed she was using her salary from her part-time job.

I need to talk to her about this stuff but It probably won't happen tonight. Kids have no school tomorrow due to extreme cold (at least for the south). SO they will be up tonight and I'm not in the greatest of moods after my battery died in my car. Not an expense I wanted to deal with. Need to continue to manage what I can and do my best to provide what is needed. My goal is to get at least 2 cards paid off this year and build up an emergency savings.

[labug]

Hey ces, I had somehow missed all of these posts since the first of the year.

It seems you're moving forward as painful as it might be.

You've done your work and aren't doing this for spite or other motive. It's just time.

[ces67]

Thanks Bug, its a very sad thing.

I let W know tonight that I got the bill and paid it while we had funds, knowing it would be tight later on when the bill was actually due.

I then told her I was surprised to see that the account was set up in my name only. At this she just stated she had to do it that way to open the account, with a tone that implied "you idiot". (And no, I don't see that as mindreading....)

I let her know that I didn't appreciate her using my name to open an account without telling me and that it is basically identity theft. At this she just said "yeah, I'm stealing from you now. You know I used that money to by YOUR kids clothes for school."

I again stated that I understood that but then why did she feel the need to hide it from me. I kept calm and avoided the bigger argument of the fact that she spends most of here money on herself which then leaves us little money to do the things we need.

I also said we needed to go over some finances this weekend and left the conversation at that.

She's angry and mad at me know but I knew that would happen. And I wanted to tell here myself rather than her try and use the card and find out I'd closed it. I'll take the wrath for being truthful. That's been part of the growth of this process.

[labug]

You know I have a lot of empathy for her, always have. She knows she's about to be caught and her house of cards will come crashing down.

I know this is easier said than done but try not to take it personally. It's really not about you.

You're actually doing her a favor.

[ces67]

Well, the talk finally took place this weekend.

On Sunday afternoon, I took the opportunity when my W and I were alone to bring up our M and what was (or isn't) happening. This conversation came after my W was out until 5am the night before with co-workers.

In short, here's what I told my W (wording is for brevity and not necessarily how I said it)
-There are so many unresolved things between us
-I have no trust in her words given the number of lies I have been told
-I have no assurance she has ended her recent friendship with a man she had not told me about
-I have no assurance she has completely gotten rid of all her keepsakes from her OM.
-I see no effort from her to rebuild trust in our M.
-She appears to continue living the life of a single woman while wanting to hold on to the image of a marriage and that is not a M that I will be part of.
-Its time we go our separate ways.

Her response was very slow and she even said she was trying not to go back to the past and bring it all up again but that she is still held by it. At one point she asked why I had not fought for her.

My response to that was that I had fought for her in my own way. But I also had brought habits from growing up into our M that I am unlearning. I told her I had grown up watching my own dad be yelled at by my mom and watched him respond by tucking his tail between his legs and work to create an environment that would make my mom happy. I avoided conflict and tried to do the same without realizing it would never work.

I let her know that this discussion is my change to confront what is wrong and whether she realized it or not, this is fighting for her. She said nothing but slightly nodded her head.

The only other things she said was something about knowing that I would be fine if we separated because I have a career. She said nothing beyond that but the implication was that she has not had a full time career in over 15 years and she's scared about being responsible for herself.

We did not yell or really argue. We both stayed calm but intense in our comments. This was early Sunday afternoon. The rest of the long weekend we spent cleaning the house and she actually did a lot of work to hang things on the walls and decorate the house.

In the past I would have seen her post-discussion behavior as a positive. Now it only appears to be another example of trying to make things look normal on the outside and avoid dealing with the hard things on the inside. I'll give her some time to get to her IC and see how she processes this. In the meantime, I'll continue to save for a lawyer and will follow up with her on this topic in a couple weeks if she doesn't bring anything up. I need to keep moving forward.

[Accuray]

At one point she asked why I had not fought for her

Boy that is frustrating. I applaud your restraint in how you responded to that. You've been doing nothing but fighting for your marriage for years now. Does she feel she's been fighting for your marriage?

So sorry it's come to this ces67 but I don't see anything at all changing until you take this step. I believe you're doing it with as much compassion and empathy as you can and I admire you for that.

Acc

[SemperFi00]

ces, over the past couple of days have read this and the previous two threads....

all I can say is wow! You have spent the time necessary (and more) being understanding, kind, compassionate, a good F, etc......

I can't even begin to imagine how tough it must have been for you you to have that conversation but good for you if that's where you are at.......

Thanks for the comments on my thread also and for catching up on my situation. Many similarities......

Stay strong!

[labug]

I just wonder what "fighting for her" means to her?

Does she read those bodice-ripper romance novels?

[Accuray]

To me, cheating on someone and saying they should have "fought for you" is like pushing someone down the stairs and then telling them they should have stopped you from doing that.

[ces67]

Labug - I really don't know what she means by "fighting for her". I've confessed that to her and asked what that looks like. So I'm either really thick and missing it completely or she's not truly given me an answer. But I do know I'm trying (and have tried for a while) to understand that.

The closest she's come to romance novels is the Twilight series. Post-Bomb, she's read at least part of the 50 Shades series as well.

Pre-bomb, she loved children's literature. She read a lot of the Caldecott award winning series as well as the Newberry award books.

Acc- I agree and am use to the contradiction. At this point, it doesn't frustrate me like it use to. I see it as a symptom of her depression and feel sad for her. Its still frustrating at times but I don't let it bug me like I use to.

W went to church with us this Sunday which is the first time in many weeks. The sermon was on dealing with betrayal of all things. We said nothing to each other afterwards but it was extremely uncomfortable. (necessary things usually are, aren't they?)

Later that afternoon she went for a walk with a friend. This is the friend who she & her husband helped me to find out about the PA. I later picked up my D from their house and this friend pulled me aside to tell me she and W had a really good conversation. This friend has taken the time to build a relationship with W to a point she can say things and W will at least listen. So here's what my friend told W.

W as saying how the kids had struggled since moving. Friend laid it out that it was not about the location but more about the fact that they have seen their mom struggle with depression since the move. She talked about how kids take on the emotions of their parents and she feels they have been influenced more by her attitude and not because of the move.

This friend also told her she basically needs to get herself the help to improve herself and spend time blaming other people.

This friend feels the talk went very well and that W listened. I thanked her for letting me know but also told her I've been down this road too many times to have any expectations. The actions and attitudes I still see are one of a woman who is trying to restrict her M to take only the parts that are convenient to her and remove me as much as possible.

Nothing new to change my plans. I let her know at our last talk that she needs to decide whether or not she wants to work toward healing our M and let me know. Otherwise, it is not a M that I can accept and I need to move forward with a D. I'll give her time to process, get to her IC and also get back her birthday which is in a couple weeks. After that, I'll bring it up again and let her know I'm looking for a lawyer (or have narrowed down my search).