Hey Nero, I used to be a huge worrier. I mean a class A one. Worried myself round and round right into a big ole depression.
Know what I learned? Worrying has no affect on anything. Doesnt change it, doesnt make it better, doesnt do a darn thing but make you sick.
We are given this one life, this one shot. I say the best thing we can do is be present in it. Be present in the lives of those we love, those we care about. Be present in the things we love to do.
And you are right, living in the now, in this day, is really what matters. If you put all your energy into this moment, amazing things can happen.
I am not surprised that you are feeling neutral about your h. All the wear and tear he has caused was bound to unravel your feelings.
And you dont have to decide a darn thing today about it.
and thanks for permission to not figure out one darn ting today- i get tired of allll the strategy. i think i don't have one morsel of strategy left,
ya gotta wonder - the worrying. how in the world i spent soo much time worryin about everything in the universe. i was big wiorruer as a kid- i just felt worried. idk how the heck a kid can get to be a worryier. like as a child we can control even less than we can as an adult- and that's not too darn much. oh well huh?
just wanna throw in- i was always happy as a kid. i think i was always happy as an adult- even when i was unhappy- i'd say overall i'm a happy person.
last couple years - feeling unhappy - sure was/is icky. i wonder if it could all happen again tomorrow? i was looking at a brochure from the sr citrizen office- about depression and reading it out loud to my niece and laughing because - no kidding- about 8 of the 10 things applied to me - like, last year, in the pits of this mlc-reaction period. no serious thought ever tho of ending it all. (that's gotta be worth sompthin?)
i sure hope to never feel like that again . it's the thing of not enjoying things you enjoy- eeeek... awful. i hated feeling sooooo badly- i hope to never go there again.
i'm reading a good book at the moment - happiness - philosophy, etc... the guy is saying to "talk himself down" if something is going on and he's getting freakie - telling himself "at this moment everything is going fine and nothing bad is happening" -
it's true- i need to stop sometimes and remember that. the whole imagination & worry- sheesh...
oh well- at this moment it's a nice nice late afternoon - day was nice & warm & a pleasant surprise. garden looks tidier because we raked alot yesterday and clipping around . i should be feeling stress to be heading out of town in a few days- and leaving my mom & so on (lots of "stuff" there) and i just don't feel it. i just don't care.
lets hope that stays.
hope your day is good man- always nice to hear your "voice". xxoo
I have adopted your policy of not worrying, and of deciding that I do not need to make any decisions Nero. And it works, it is a very freeing feeling. Thank you!
I'm sorry that 8 out of 10 things pointing to depression applied to you last year, Nero. I'm so glad that you are feeling better, and hope you never feel like that again. I think that you are a basically happy go lucky, pollyannish (I love that word) sort of person, even with this MLC going on. Our imaginations and our expectations are equally our worse enemies!
I think the trick is what we have talked about in the past, to be happy and grateful. To notice the lovely things in life and the world, and to appreciate them.
A bird, a puppy, a delicious smell. flowers. Talking to a dear friend. Lasagna. A soft wool blanket wrapped around you in front of a cozy fire reading a good book. Well, maybe not in Florida
Check in when you get back, we miss your cheeriness around here!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
i know- grateful for absence of actual hostilities - now that is something i have in florida (at the moment any way). at this minute- peace in my land.
i have to point out that as i was identifying the pitiful sighs of depression- it was making me laugh and tell my neice - because it was sooooo wacky. who would think? not me-
anyway- i guess as long as i can laugh about this stinkin sitch (which i do all the time when talking about it- you'd think it could stay when i'm by self and get all wah wah sometimes!!??
oh well- doin my best here. letting go of the worry is quite huge in my life. i've read it and read it over the years- never took it seriously - just stopping it. i guess i've reached a critical point in life where i can't do it anymore. no extra juice for all that worrying - & respnosibility for anyone elses happiness.
i'll listen, give it thought and help if i can- worry- i can't.
*(well, i'm tryin) another addiction to kick here.
it's amazing when youactually look at what you do automatically- me, i'm an addiction festival. who the heck would i be to criticize some =one elses addiction?
john denver singing: some days are diamonds , some days are stone-
oh man- isn't that the truth.??
i hope if "the end" ever comes - i do not fold up - and manage to "man up" and get thru it on my feet. i usually think i will, of course. realistically- never done - such a huge "the end" before. we hope for grace.
other than that- if i'm weening myself off this life and this guy- i'm savouring all the good bits (just in case). who can know? it's life on the edge here- i hate it of course , but6 it does make me stop and inspect any little thing that is good that i will miss (lots of stuff).
fingers crossed tho- in general in life- i got nothin really
you're rite about the imagination tho- it's a double edged sword - don't want to get toooooo optimistic - don't want to get toooooooo damn dreary!
We are having a blizzard where I live, so Florida is sounding quite wonderful to me!
I have no doubt that you will "man up" if you need to. You already have. No one goes through this without having to show their strength.
I am still learning patience. So hard! When what I really want to know is hwo things will turn out right now. I plan things for the future. Planning is half the fun.
This not being able to plan or having to plan around Skippy does not suit me. I was so sure he'd gone for good and then the holidays come and there is an illusion of wanting to reconnect. But is it real or is it the holidays? Round and around I go.
Hang in there, nero! You'll know when decisions do need to be made. The gift of time, remember?
thanks for the note. yeah, i know, wouldn't you kill for some certainty???? just knowing what you might (really) expect from the future? even if only a week or a month.???
it feels like my entire life and world has been on hold. i can see tho, that you are living and i am too, it's just "different" becasue we can't have thisnice little life idea in our mind, like we used to.
i liked thinking i knew where i was gong and with who.
oh well- i am like you- i've been waiting for hm to walk out of my life - or throw me out of his - for soooolong i can hardly even have fear anymore. just tired -
HEY- MAYBE THAT'S BRAVERY - when you just don't have the energy to have fear??? maybe i'm like all fearless and brave now? (don't feel it so much)
i'm not quite "cowering" like before. i look back at what i felt and how it must have made me LOOK - EEEEK.
I DON'T EVEN wanna see that life and that person and that guy either. what a giant awful "show".
am feeling mor human & you sound okay too- we are getting patience, whether we can reallt tell or not. i can tell i'm more patient - a bit. alot of it i'm sure is h not actually rubbing salt in somewould or jacking me up.
i truly wonder what is in his brain- i think if i could just, like you, know for sure- i could go either way- i just need his direction and i'd be headed out.
impatience agin- oh well, maybe i'm not so patient. i am still here tho- i keep telling myself still i can always end it tomorrow-
and also i think of allll the good aspects - still outweigh the bad i think- i could be kidding myself- but hey
MY NEW MATRA:
NOTHING BAD IS HAPPING THIS MINUTE- SO I'M OKAY.
i'm getting very good at not looking back at what i can't change OR FORWARD at what i can't control...
greetings from land of sweat. it's hot hot hot today- missed walkign cause i didn't make it out door before sun got up. oh well- tons to do as usual. won't accomplish a fraction also as usual- do not care. just don't. i've said it sooo many times- i'm actually feeelin it. pma???
am unusually sane- h being pleasant as can be (no-it doesn't stop me from being suspicious jerk) - so peace in the kingdom.
no matter what it is i wonder about- I shove thoughts away- and do not run thru allll the unanswerable junk in my mind and go nuts- just tell self all will be revealed IN THE END.
LIKE- one day will be armageddon around here- and i'll KNOW - ONE WAY OR THE OTHER WAY- EVERY fear and doubt will be put to rest or become reality-
self off hook for any answers today. it's working well for me so far . i think probably someday there will be a price to pay- today i just don't care ! ha!!!
i wore myself out in rosalinda's thread- now i have nothing to say but alive- okay & even have a bit of christmas spirit.
portia, rossalinda, ur, bea - dawn - can't think who else- everyone out there - i hope you're all having a bit of pre-christmas peace of mind. just a bit- i'm not askin for the world here.
ohmmmmm "nothing bad is happening rite this minute- i am OKAY" .............-
just sayin thanks for alllllll the support and kind words - and HOPE YOUR HOLIDAYS ARE OKAY (despite insanity of mlc) and that you manage to squeek out some pleasure - even little bits here and there.
make tht list of the positive maybe? i keep a running list in head - fallback.
sooo MERRY CHRISTMAS AND hope new year is great for us all
(hope spring eternal - huh?
i'm outta here- h just walked up overmyh shoulder - cripes-= i thought with this stupid laptop i could position myself for total privacy- didn't give in TO the urge toshut the lid and be the hjerk he has soo many times in past - geeez , jsut came back, i mean? who hasn't written notes on a paper plate???
like, is that soooo wierd?/ he's the one that ate on it- forcing me to save a crumbie plate with notes on it.
gotta go make a list of food - or the feast will never happen tomorrow.
BTW - SITTING HERE WITH A "HALO" OF TINSEL ON MY HEAD-LIKE THE CHURCH CRECHE WE USED TO MAKE AS KIDS ( I WAS ALWAYS ONE OF THE HERD OF ANGELS) - IT'S , WELL, SOMETHING. i'm thinking it's festive- but thismorning i look liker father christmas or maybe hawaiin.
Merry Christmas! I do hope that your holiday will be festive. I like the idea of having a halo of tinsel. It should put you in a festive mood for today.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
