Back....again.

[Lll54]

I just briefly went over it but I can't seem to find much help. A lot seem to have more "mid-life" issues. And a lot have OM or OM. Not the case for me. In this position do I withdraw a bit? Don't force physical affection? One of the thinks I read over there was to be friendly but occupied. Never initiate conversation. And always finish and leave room first. I will work on this tonight. If I can get this pit out of my stomach.

I'm so tired of being strung along. "I'm happy. I'm not. I'm happy. I'm annoyed with you and don't know if I can fix it. But tomorrow I'll make sure I come visit while you are home and initiate physical affection"

I feel like my mental being is starting to go downward and I'm getting depressed.

[Lll54]

So I've refrained from R talk. I feel like I'm I goring my marriage? Last night we talked briefly and he mentioned a couple things be needs to do around the house. All while sounding and looking depressed. I feel like in ignoring his problems and issues. Is that the right thing to do?

He came and laid in bed and watched tv while I slept but no touch. No kiss goodnight....

Feel like I'm just waiting for hose awful words I've heard twice now...I'm leaving.

All over a fight about him going out with friends rather than staying with family.

[TrentC]

So I've refrained from R talk. I feel like I'm I goring my marriage? Last night we talked briefly and he mentioned a couple things be needs to do around the house. All while sounding and looking depressed. I feel like in ignoring his problems and issues. Is that the right thing to do?

I've been telling you the same thing, on and off again, for months: you cannot fix him. His problems are for him to deal with, and if he needs your help in doing so then he has to learn to ask for help from you.

Feel like I'm just waiting for hose awful words I've heard twice now...I'm leaving.

All over a fight about him going out with friends rather than staying with family.

If that is really the reason why he leaves you, then he is a petty and small-minded man. Who ends up a marriage, even a troubled one, over a single argument?

The reasons that people leave their marriages can be boiled down to one thing: whatever their problems or complaints are, they think there is no possibility that things will get better.

You can keep doing what you have been doing, which is tormenting yourself over things that you have no control over, or you can start doing what you could have been doing all of this time. Learn to practice detachment, and take yourself off of this emotional roller coaster you have been on. Choose to stop worrying about every single thing your husband says and does, and what it could possibly mean. Stop throwing yourself in the way of your husband's self-destructive behavior, and let him make the mistakes and deal with the consequences.

Here's something that your husband doesn't realize: even if he divorces you, you are never going to be completely out of his life. You have three kids together, and that means custody and visitation; that means him paying child support to you (unless he's going to quit his job and be a full-time dad?); that means staying in contact as you argue about who gets holidays and summer vacations.

Stop obsessing over the day-to-day, minute-to-minute stuff, and start looking at the bigger picture. If he is in some kind of a midlife crisis then this is going to take YEARS for him to resolve. Where do you want to be when he emerges from the other side?

(And honestly? I know you are convinced that there is no way your husband could be having an affair but so was I. This forum, and many other groups like it, are filled with people who were sure that their spouses would never cheat—right up until they learn the truth.)

[Lll54]

You can keep doing what you have been doing, which is tormenting yourself over things that you have no control over, or you can start doing what you could have been doing all of this time. Learn to practice detachment, and take yourself off of this emotional roller coaster you have been on. Choose to stop worrying about every single thing your husband says and does, and what it could possibly mean. Stop throwing yourself in the way of your husband's self-destructive behavior, and let him make the mistakes and deal with the consequences.

Ain't that the truth. You would think after have done this once ready i should know this like the back of my hand. But no...I work myself up so much analyzing every single thing he does! It consumes my mind!

So this week has been hell and today I go to my vehicle at lunch time and what is on my front seat? A bag of takeout. My favourite meal from my favourite restaurant. Well anybody going through this is gonna analyze that to death! It just doesn't make sense! After the way he has been toward me all week. He is just so up and down.

He is away all weekend for work so I invited some friends over to visit me and the boys. I'm trying to GAL but with three little ones unfortunately it's gonna be at my house. But at least it will occupy my mind for a while.

(And honestly? I know you are convinced that there is no way your husband could be having an affair but so was I. This forum, and many other groups like it, are filled with people who were sure that their spouses would never cheat—right up until they learn the truth.)

As far as this goes. Yes there are times where I think they may be a possibility I just don't know what to do or find out or what....

[TrentC]

I wouldn't attempt to figure out if there is another woman unless knowing for sure will compel you to make a decision one way or the other.

Affairs are frequently discovered at some point. He'll text the wrong phone number, or a friend or acquaintance will see him with another woman and tell you. He may even intentionally "slip" and let you discover the affair, because you will either leave him or your reaction will "force" him to leave you. (That way, he gets to try to alleviate any guilt he may be feeling over his actions.)

[Lll54]

Ya. So far nothing. I told him that he won husband of the year yesterday as a joke for leaving me lunch on my seat in my vehicle. He goes...I'm hardly husband of the year. I didn't respond. Didn't know what to say. The aura at home is awkward. Be won't touch me unless I initiate. I'm sad and stuck and just wanna talk and know I can't. I'm trying to be upbeat. It's so stressful while we are both home:(

[TrentC]

Ya. So far nothing. I told him that he won husband of the year yesterday as a joke for leaving me lunch on my seat in my vehicle.

Why would you tell him that? You say it was a joke, so you didn't really think he's husband of the year? He's making you miserable for months, and one small act of kindness makes up for that?

Some people get so wrapped up in trying to figure out what to say or do to get what they want out of their spouses that they forget what it's like to be honest with them. Because honesty is scary; you are opening yourself up to someone you love, and if they react badly then it's easy to accept that as a criticism or rejection of yourself.

So start small. The next time he does something like that, don't go overboard or try to butter him up. Try simply saying "I really appreciated you doing that for me. Thanks." It's doesn't overstate anything and it's genuine.

He goes...I'm hardly husband of the year. I didn't respond. Didn't know what to say. The aura at home is awkward.

Because you will not stop trying to fix things; you can't help picking at the problem.

I was the same way early on; if I could just find the right thing to say or do, then she would realize what a big mistake she was making and things would be better.

But real life doesn't work that way. He might actually have to make that big mistake—and maybe other mistakes as well—before he recognizes the truth.

[Lll54]

Some people get so wrapped up in trying to figure out what to say or do to get what they want out of their spouses that they forget what it's like to be honest with them. Because honesty is scary; you are opening yourself up to someone you love, and if they react badly then it's easy to accept that as a criticism or rejection of yourself.

Exactly...I think the idea of not trying to come up with that right word or reason that may make him clue in makes me feel useless. As long as I have been going through this I know this is wrong! I'm such a weak person. I hate it. I don't know why I can't be stronger.

I would love to re-read DB for more pointers but I through it out after our last reconciliation because our marriage was amazing. I must have jinxed myself.

But real life doesn't work that way. He might actually have to make that big mistake—and maybe other mistakes as well—before he recognizes the truth.

I kind of think 4 years ago when he dropped the last bomb and actually left was his "mistake" and sure he learned from it. For four years....and here we are again

Is it common for couples to go through this twice? And make it through twice?

[TrentC]

Exactly...I think the idea of not trying to come up with that right word or reason that may make him clue in makes me feel useless. As long as I have been going through this I know this is wrong! I'm such a weak person. I hate it. I don't know why I can't be stronger.

If these habits or behavior patterns were easy to break, then they wouldn't be the actual problem.

I would consider talking to a therapist. Not a marriage counselor, but someone for you. Who can help you identify the issues you need to work on and try to help you with them.

I kind of think 4 years ago when he dropped the last bomb and actually left was his "mistake" and sure he learned from it. For four years....and here we are again

Then I would suggest that he really didn't learn from his mistake. He may have wanted to come back and work on the relationship, but it sounds like you two didn't learn everything you needed to, so you slid into old habits again, which rekindled the same frustrations.

Like I said a few months ago when this started again—you thought that your marriage was "fixed" after the last crisis, but now you I hope guys see that it's not a one-time thing; that there can always be challenges in front of you.

[Lll54]

And that's what I want to say to him...life isn't always gonna be a bowl of peaches. You have to work through our problems and know they are gonna always arise. It's like the second something seems to bother him a lot he gets like this and thinks it's the end of our marriage. I don't get it.