Crimson.....just checkin' in again.

[adinva]

Yes, oh well. You will survive a chilly reception. The self pity in comparison with your friends is unattractive. Don't let yourself wallow, k?

[Crimson]

So it seems like the opportunity to set more boundaries continues to present itself in my situation and, unlike before, I am taking them. Interesting story:

So I dropped S off at preschool this morning and as I was signing him in I realized that XW sister signed him out one day last week and signed him in the following day. Something didn't feel "right" about that so I texted her and the following came about:

M: Why did you sister have to drop off Corbin last week?

X: So I could attend a monthly meeting. It goes past 6 so she had him overnight. He loved it.

M: That's cool. But in the agreement if you can't watch him for a period of time over 6 hours he is supposed to go to me. You can't do that.

X: OK. I will pick him up from her next time after my meeting is over. And for the record I have no problem with him spending the night with your family.

M: I can't do that because of the divorce agreement - it is not fair to you. It isn't about your family or mine. It is about time with our son. I already have less that half - if there are times when you can't watch him, he goes to me. You also can't let him stay overnight somewhere away from you, family or not, without telling me. That's also part of the agreement.

X:Are you volunterring to take him on nights I have my metting or just objecting to my sister having him?

M: I'm not objecting to him being with your sister at all. Whnever you can't take him, I always will...and you have to tell me. As per the agreement, we both have "right of first refusal" in those situations. It has absolutely nothing to do with your sister.

X: I will pick him up after the meeting from now on. Thank you for correcting my error. I was ready to quit this meeting project due to this - however, she offered a solution to help. I will not do it again.

M: If watching S was an issue with your meeting, why wouldn't you come to his father? You know I'd take him. I would love more time with him.

X: Because it's only for a couple of hours. Thanks for correcting me. Have a nice day.

M: You too.

*a few minutes later*

X: If you are wanting to revisit the parenting schedule please say so.

M: Yes. I am. I don't want more than you. I want 50/50. I've always pushed for that.

X: Please email me what you are proposing.

It was somewhat difficult for me to to confront her on this and it made me instantly anxious. A few months ago I probably would have let it slide just to keep the peace and to show some kind of "change". I couldn't let it go. I feel as though she has little to no respect for me as a parent. Instead of looking at the bottom line fact of 1.) the divorce agreement and 2.) my time with him, she instantly asked if I had a problem with her sister (I adore her sister by the way, and miss her as well).

I tried to be kind and not finger-point. I stuck to the divorce agreement and held my ground and stood up for my time with my son.

With regard to her asking me to send a new parenting schedule proposal, you all may recall that she FOUGHT to have more than equal time through her lawyer. Instead of 50/50 it's more like 58/42...she would hear nothing of the 50/50 schedule I was proposing st the time. I was such a wreck back then I didn't have the strength or resources to stand my ground....I caved. I regret that.

I don't know, folks. Between me standing my ground on her trying to take him to IA for most of his holiday break (essentially expecting me to give her some of my days), having to hold the line on keeping him for Thanksgiving (she failed to read the divorce agreement that said I had him this year), and now this -- I feel like sure, I am holding my ground. But at the same time I feel like I am pushing her away. We have barely communicated since the "Christmas break" discussion. There has been a notable change in her demeanor towards me.

Even with that, I don't text (not even to ask how S is doing - even though she does when I have him), I don't write or e-mail anymore....I am really trying to drop the rope again....and keep it "dropped". It's just hard because in my heart - I stiil miss her to this day...I feel weak because I still do.

I guess I just need insight, support and encouragement -- I think I am hitting a rough spot in the river right now.

Crimson

[labug]

You're not pushing her away, she's moving away. There's a difference. Good boundaries enable you to see the people you want around you.

And you don't know what's going on her her mind. I thought she handled herself well. She flubbed, it happens.

My thought was, Does that mean he'll never be able to spend the night with relatives who let him do all the things that parents don't. That was a really great part of my childhood.

You're doing fine, Crimson.

[Crimson]

Thanks, Bug. I have no problem with him spending the night with relatives. I don't think it is unreasonable to just tell me or ask -- it's in the agreement. In this instance it was a matter of her being pinched for time -- in those instances I am supposed to be the backup. I guess more than anything I am trying to stick with what is in the agreement when applicable. It helps me define boundaries - and I am so eager to please I think for now I need it as a guideline. Am I being too harsh and inflexible? Honestly, I can't tell.

Crimson

[SM34]

Crimson, I haven't posted much at all on your threads but want you to know I am one of the many folks who follow along.

You did a FINE job. Your wife needs to respect that you are his father and if she cannot for any reason take care of him, you are next in line. As it is the other way around too.

You did an awesome job standing your ground. More parents who are divorced should have your attitude because so many don't and its the child that gets the short end of the stick.

Children are not a burden or inconvenience and sadly often times divorced folks treat them like they are. I admire your focus on what is truely important in your life.


Much respect.

[adinva]

Crimson I thought you did fine too. You were respectful but firm and entertained enough questions from her to be able to clarify.

I agree that you are NOT pushing her away; rather she is using distance as a manipulation tactic when she wants her way or wants you to back down. After a while if she sees it does not work, maybe she'll stop doing it. But if it works for her... she'll keep doing it.

Keep doing just what you did here.

[labug]

Crimson, I get that, it's just what flashed in my mind as I was reading.

I don't think you're being inflexible in this instance but I think I also understand the choice she made.

Now you've made your stand clear, hopefully it won't be an issue in the future.

[Crimson]

Thanks, folks. I think standing up for myself is kind of new right now so I don't know how to feel about it. I am working to keep on the track I am on right now....here we are a few years out and I am still slugging it out with the urge to reach out. I am doing better, but I get these strong compulsions to let her know I am still alive and wanting to work on stuff. She knows. Not need to keep selling it.

Ad - thanks for your insight....I have appreciated it since I have been here.

SM34 - thanks for following along. I still read your threads and think there are still positives in your situation.

Crimson

[PatientMan]

I'm not a big fan of texting, but I think you did quite well.

Interesting that she's fine with this project/meeting and having her sister watch your son, but when YOU offer to watch him, she's ready to drop the project/meeting.

Am I missing something?

I'm not trying to instigate problems, I just found that interesting and also thought it to be tactically intelligent on your part to not bring it up in the exchange.

-PM

[labug]

I think you might be missing something. She said she was going to quit but thought her sister was a viable option. That wasn't to be so she'll go back to her plan to quit. I would guess that the exchanges between Crim and W are more fraught for everyone than the exchange between sisters.

I'm not there, so of course I don't know but that would have been my thinking in that situation.

Crimson, does the sister have children?