Side note - I haven't heard much of a peep from her since Tuesday when she picked up S. Usually I'd have at least gotten a text from her or something....maybe a picture of the boy. I have to leave town for work tomorrow....I usually get him back Sunday late afternoon but will miss my Sun, Mon, and Tue with his because of work. I won't see him till Thursday....9 days away. Torture.
Funny how the pending Holidays and the related stress have got me back posting here. Oh well, I am grateful for the support.
So this got a little interesting.
XW texted me last night to tell me (in a friendly manner) what her Thanksgiving plans were with S. The following ensued:
Me: I don't mean to be a buzzkill here, but I have him this Thanksgiving.
Her: Not True. You had him last Thanksgiving. I remember because my mother was here and we had to wait to celebrate the day after. Feel free to call her in you aren't remembering.
Me: There was a reason why it waws this way - but I can't remember.
*I pause to find the divorce decree*
Me: Page 19, item 6 of the agreement. I have him for Thanksgiving on odd years....the language states that nothwithstanding I will have him for 2012.
Neither of us are allowed to have him for Thanksgiving AND Christmas. In 2011 you had him for both, so in 2012 I got to have him for both. This year we begin to alternate - you have Christmas, I have Thanksgiving.
*She pauses for awhile*
Her: Do you want to take Christmas this year and I'll take Thanksgiving? I have really been building T-Day up with him.
Me: Knowing that I didn't have Christmas, I've been buidling it up with him, too. I am not prepared right now to decide. However, I know I do not have much time to deliberate. If you need an answer immediately, I will keep him for Thanksgiving.
Her: Sleep on it. I know that your family really gets into Christmas and Christmas Eve - especially since your sister and S's cousins will be here.
*I didn't respond*
This morning I e-mailed her back and said that having had time to think about it I will keep him for Thanksgiving as per the divorce decree. I told her that I had him last Christmas and that it is only fair for her to have him this Christmas. I told her that mentally I had already let go of Christmas this year, and though it is gut-wrenching, I will accpet being without him.
I then hopped on a plane headed back home. When I landed she texted me and said "Is your final decision Thanksgiving, then?". I responded and said "it is".
Sooooo, this is where I struggle. I know that she made plans to travel by car up north a few hours to spend T-day with her friend's family and S - and up until 24 hours ago she was pretty sure that was the plan - period. She did not read the divorce decree. Once again, I feel bad not letting her be happy and have her way. At the same time, I am trying to embrace the fact that her happiness is not my responsibility.
The fact that she texted me to ask if that way my "final decision" even after reading my e-mail tells me that she really, really wanted to take him and is probably struggling not being able to do so. She didn't, however, lash out. She told me that she wasn't going to celebrate Christmas with him until she went to IA with him...so I guess that is why she didn't mmind giving up Christmas...I mean, it sux, but she was willing to do it.
I hate this guys. My heart really hurts. I derive no pleasure from her unhappiness and certainly not my own. Moreover, I hate that S is in the middle of all of this. Times like this always make be want to ask if this is the "better" she was looking for when she said she wanted better for our S when she dropped the bomb. I keep that notion to myself.
I used to love the holiday with her...and the one holiday we spent together as a family. Now I dread this time of year and I still associate it with loss and pain. It has gotten better - but the joy is almost 100% gone. I just want it to be over and I HATE feeling that way. I am going to give hte best Christmas I can to my son and then be glad it is all over.
Is your son still 1? (reading your sig line) Because if he's that young, you two are beating each other over the head with odd year even year divorce decree struggling plans and he's in toddler la la land. Makes it sound like it's all about the adults and what they want, and they're willing to stress themselves out and lose their joy in the process of dividing up his time. I really hope you two find a way to relax your grip on how you want things to be.
I think you're right to follow the decree, just think you need to release a lot of the other stuff you've added that creates your emotional state. Like caring if she's "struggling" about not getting her way, or dreading the time of year because it's not what you wanted... let it go for your little boy's sake and follow the decree as best you can.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
^^ I was about to disagree with you Ad, but then saw where that was going and couldn't agree more.
Crim, I know you see the pattern of being the good guy when she gets her way and the bad guy when she doesn't, but i also know it doesn't make you feel any better recognizing it.
I think once this boundary is set and enforced (ie Thanksgiving) you will find that want for W's happiness a little less powerful than before. You will find the next time you need to enforce a boundary a little easier because she will begin to realize you can't be manipulated anymore.
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I should update my sig....he is 3 now. He doesn't fully get it yet - but the pieces are coming slowly into focus for him. By next year I figure he'll be more clued in.
I am glad that I have held the line with my boundaries. It is difficult, but I know it is best. Many here have said that I have gone out of my way to keep XW from having to feel all of the fall-out from her decision to leave - and I think you have been right. I am starting to see that my being overly accommodating has not helped much. At this point if she does not see me as a "good" man - she never will. And it's not my problem - it's her loss. I really try to focus on that.
out of my way to keep XW from having to feel all of the fall-out from her decision to leave - and I think you have been right.
I would drop this line of thinking. Keep your boundaries but let go of ideas about the "fall-out" she gets. Not your business.
What kind of plans do you have for Thanksgiving? A friend is leaving today for camping at Joshua Tree, I wish I had broken form the "traditional" Thanksgiving when my kids were young, or alternated years.
Next year I'm doing something non-traditional.
Whatever yo do, make it enjoyable. XW is not your responsibility.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Yes yes, that's a nicer way of putting it, not your responsibility. You're not making her feel or not feel effects; that's just making things complicated. You're divorced. Clear minds drew up a fair decree for you to follow. You're barely even setting a boundary here, just doing what you all agreed to previously. You're not making her struggle, just reminding her of what you both agreed to.
I have two teens. At 4 they didnt like having to sit for bug dinners of foods they didnt even like, and couldnt have cared less if they gathered on thursday or also on friday.
As your son solidifies his understanding of what holidays are, try to give him a gift of knowing that they're about the heart, spirit, and family, and not about the date or the specific routine. Give yourself that gift too. If you are forcing good cheer for him and dreading it, and glad when it's over, even if you're a great actor he will pick up on it and it will become part of what holidays mean to him. Reach for authentic joy and show him that.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thanks all - I think over the course of this journey I have made progress in detaching myself from her feelings and reactions - but I still have a ways to go. I STILL find myself stopping and thinking "Seriously? This is my life now?" from time to time and that gets to me. I think this time of year seeing my friends and their spouses and children together gets to me as well. Happy for them - because I surely would not wish this upon them at all -- but still have moments of sadness because it's not working out they way for me right now and I feel "old".
Due to a few factors, I had to pick S up from XW this morning at 7:00. I stepped into her doorway and greeted S, but she BARELY addressed me. She spoke to S "tell daddy this, tell daddy that" and gave me some of his art projects from school - but the only time she really spoke to me was to ask if I was bringing him back on Friday. I feel as if it was a deliberately cold reception - and it was for sure out of the norm. My assumption would be that she is still angry that I did not let her take Thanksgiving and trade Christmas for it. Of course, paired with the fact I didn't let her have the multi-day holiday bonanza with my S in IA this year. Oh well.
I derive no pleasure from her unhappiness and certainly not my own. Moreover, I hate that S is in the middle of all of this. Times like this always make be want to ask if this is the "better" she was looking for when she said she wanted better for our S when she dropped the bomb. I keep that notion to myself.