You're very conflicted. Your message on 11/20 lead me to believe you wanted out, but then you drove to the hotel with OMW to catch W in the act and confront her. I guarantee that action made her resent you very much.
If you want to divorce, divorce. If you want to try to save your marriage through DB, then you have to act differently and approach this situation in a completely different manner, and that will be counter-intuitive and painful for you.
I will tell you this, if you do it "half way" or sometimes DB and sometimes do what you want, the impact will be to not save your marriage and prolong your pain too, which is the worst outcome, so you have to either commit, or don't commit, but you can't semi-commit, because that's doomed to fail.
So if you want to commit, what do you need to do?
1) Reset your expectations: Realize you are in for a very long wait, and nothing you do can shorten that wait. You literally have to wait for her affair to end on it's own, then you need to wait for her to grieve the end of the affair, and then you need to wait for her to evaluate what she wants such that she can look at you as a possible future rather than just a scarred past. You can't shorten that timeline, but you can continue to lengthen it, potentially indefinitely, if you keep building resentment.
You have to drop your expectations of "what you are owed", or what marriage implies you should get. You have to adopt the philosophy that she literally owes you nothing. She doesn't owe you an apology, she doesn't owe you courteous responses, she doesn't owe you some time, she owes you nothing. You simply have to act as the silent better choice.
2) Decrease Resentment: Many relationship books use the concept of a "love bank" where you make deposits and withdrawals. If you make more withdrawals than deposits, the love bank runs empty, and your spouse starts shopping around to get their needs met elsewhere. In a "happy" marriage, your deposits need to outweigh your withdrawals by 20:1, and in a maintainable marriage, the ratio needs to be 7:1. Where this model breaks down though, is once the love bank is empty, the resentment bank starts to fill, and you can't start refilling the love bank until the resentment bank has been cleaned out, and that is very, very difficult. That's why when you spouse says "you never took me out to dinner", and you offer to take her to dinner *now*, it doesn't do any good, she no longer wants to go, because her resentment bank is preventing any love deposits.
Therefore *everything* you do needs to be measured against a yardstick of resentment. Will it make her resent you more or less?
What will make her resent you more will be shaming her, embarrassing her, scolding her, appearing to be trying to stand in the way of her happiness, being sad around her, making her responsible for your feelings, telling her you're not happy because of what she's doing, etc. etc. She will also resent you for discussing your situation with family and friends and making her out to be the bad person. You simply have to stop all of that if you want to DB. You have to "act as if" it doesn't impact you, and that you are fine no matter what she does.
That's different than condoning it or saying that it's good or even okay, you don't have to go that far, you just have to let her do what she will do, and act as if you are fine with yourself no matter what she does. It's getting to a "judgement free zone", and establishing complete self-reliance, like you had back when you were single.
3) Apply DivorceBusting: Re-read DB / DR and live it. Live by Sandi's 37 rules. The principles are really quite straight forward, they are just counter-intuitive. 180 your spouse's long running complaints about you, get a life of your own, and act as if you are fine. That's the prescription in a nutshell. Easy to say, hard to do, but that's the path.
The hardest part of this is the timeline. We typically feel that if we apply our best efforts to something, we should be rewarded. This is a lot like riding an exercise bike for an hour a day for a week and expecting to right away lose 20 pounds. When it doesn't happen it's easy to get discouraged, but if you really want to see results, it's probably better to get on a maintainable exercise plan you can stick to, and have realistic expectations of how long it will take to reach you goal.
If you choose to go the "save my marriage" route, there are no guarantees, W and OM could get married and live happily ever after. You need to be okay with that based on the fact that applying DB will make YOU a better person.
I felt that if there were things about me that blew up my marriage and annoyed my wife, they would probably come up again in future relationships and annoy anyone else I might start dating, so I better deal with them or they would be a permanent issue. That has nothing to do with W and everything to do with you.
You simply have a choice to make, and it's a tough one.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Yes, I do feel conflicted. One day I want to divorce. The next day I don't want to. I know my wife resents me for the way I reacted to the affair, and it pushed her further into the arms of the OM.
I will commit to trying to save the marriage. I'm going to try to do what Accuray suggests. Have no expectations, stop nagging my WW, and DB. I have both books now.I just hope I have the patience to wait for her.
So should I tell her I'm going to stop the Divorce proceedings? What should I tell her, if anything?
I just wouldn't tell her anything and give her space. Just take your eye off that ball completely.
Start focusing on protecting yourself emotionally. Watching her live this way is hurting you. How can you protect yourself? How can you avoid watching? Those are the questions to ask.
Usually, when our spouse leaves we feel very invalidated and "less than", and we desperately seek our spouse's validation to build us back up.
When you were single you survived just fine without that validation. Rediscover what that takes.
Meet new people, try new things, put yourself out there. The best way to feel "in control" again is to build some new relationships, engage in some new hobbies and activities.
If you can do things where you will see progress, like workout out or learning an instrument, it can help produce feelings of being in control which boost confidence.
You need to design a way forward for yourself that does not involve W, what W is doing, saying, or thinking, and if you can insulate yourself from those things, you will feel better. Snooping on her will pound you down.
I do think it's good to know what's going on, but once you know, you start torturing yourself with it if you keep looking. You need to open the door, take a look, then close the door again, lock it, and throw away the key.
For now, one day at a time.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I think there are conflicting sites... this one stresses keeping the lines open and while detaching remaining available. Another site suggests the opposite, going completely dark and having absolutely no contact, no thoughts, nothing to do with the WAS until the fog clears and the get rid of the AP. It's to heal and move on and let go. Because these two sites conflict each other it's probably a good idea to choose one to follow and one to just read.. otherwise you will be all over the place and confuse the terms such as the 180 and Plan B, which is what the other site calls their suggestion. 180 means to do the opposite. Do not beg, reason etc, do not discuss the issue if they aren't ready etc.. . where Plan B is going deeply dark sometimes for good. One keeps the door open to reconciling the other prepares you to move on with the door firmly closed tight.
WS moves out 9/11 OWH DD#1 12/11 FR#1 1/12 DD#2 2/12 WS leaves 4/12 WS tries FR#2 6/12 WS/OW move in 7/12 WS leaves OW 9/12 WS back with other OW 12/12 Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13 WS files divorce 8/28/13
Coda? She is telling you that you are the problem and making it seem like if you did this or that it would be better, but in reality it wouldn't be. What you are doing is making it harder for her to do what she is doing, she prefers to cake eat and take her time about what she wants to do, you are pushing her and she is resenting it. This is not your fault. She made the choices she made. She is now wanting to keep you and her OM. She can't. So she is resenting that you are making her choose. I made my husband choose. He filed D. It hasn't progressed yet beyond being served but he too said I pushed it. No, I set a boundary that he can't be in MY life if SHE is in HIS. So he filed. Since it's gone nowhere it makes me think he did it to regain control over the situation and make me back down. All he succeeded in doing was now making it even harder to ever reconcile.
WS moves out 9/11 OWH DD#1 12/11 FR#1 1/12 DD#2 2/12 WS leaves 4/12 WS tries FR#2 6/12 WS/OW move in 7/12 WS leaves OW 9/12 WS back with other OW 12/12 Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13 WS files divorce 8/28/13
At the end of the day, I will probably let his filing expire and then file myself in the new year. My marriage unfortunately is totally over. He made that very clear when he chose her, told me I need to understand how OW feels and then filed divorce and refused to speak to me about it. Just wants me to go away and fade from existence as if we never met, never married and then he can feel good about himself and not like the POSWH he actually is.
WS moves out 9/11 OWH DD#1 12/11 FR#1 1/12 DD#2 2/12 WS leaves 4/12 WS tries FR#2 6/12 WS/OW move in 7/12 WS leaves OW 9/12 WS back with other OW 12/12 Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13 WS files divorce 8/28/13
Coda - My recommendation would be to move forward with the Divorce. These things take time. I am not sure about your state, but in Mi, there is a 6 month waiting period when you have children.
If your W ever changes her tune, you can delay the proceeding at any time. Heck, you can even reconcile after the D. But, these things have the potential of getting ugly, and it is best to put in place the financial and custody boundaries that a legal divorce offers.
If you get to the point where you are thoroughly done with her, it is a long wait while the legal process moves forward.
Bottom line, you need to respect yourself enough to end any relationship with a woman treating you like this.
180 means evaluating the issues that you brought to the marriage and addressing them. If you used to nag, be supportive, if you were withdrawn, engage, etc. Take what your spouse thinks they know about you and surprise them by not following your typical behavior.
That's different than managing your emotions post-bomb.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Ok, I get the definition of the 180 now. I'm working on doing the 180 on the marriage issues. But do I also 180 the way I behaved right after finding out about the affair? For example, I've gotten really angry, been judgmental, put a lot of pressure on my WW about the affair. I know this has pushed her away from me and to the OM. And caused her to feel great resentment about me.
I'm going to slow down, but not stop the divorce proceedings. Will see how things are going in January, then re-evaluate.
For those of you whose spouses had serious affairs, how long did it take them for the initial fantasy phase to wear off and reality start to set in? For my WW, its really only been about 4-5 months, 3 months since it became physical. She is still not thinking rationally.
What I've read is 18 months to 3 years for an affair to run it's course. At that point it either fizzles and falls apart, or turns into a "regular relationship", which is to say that the fog of "everything is awesome" has burned off and there are regular relationship problems that come along with the benefits.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
