[labug]

It might be helpful if you journaled like that more. You keep a tight lid on things, and it just keeps rattling around in your brain. Bring that stuff into the light of day and look at it. Be honest with yourself. I think you're very angry and hurt, we all have been there.

I can understand why you think she seems selfish, it's painful when we realize we've missed a chance and something important is going away. Grieving that loss is part of the process. Anger is part of the process. You have to feel it.

You're borrowing trouble from tomorrow. S8 will most likely have lots of thoughts about his circumstances as he gets older but you have no way of knowing what those will be. Having loving people around him who help him deal with that is the most important thing here. Keeping an unhappy marriage together for the sake of the kids is not a benefit to the kids.

I think what your W is doing in regards to S8 is very logical and loving. I would do the same. I'm not sure how this complicates the picture further.

About the guardian, answer questions truthfully. What else can/would you do?

What would the alternative to what she's suggesting be? (leaving out the obvious, reconciliation)

[SemperFi00]

Lots to catch up – been a ways for a few days. Will try to break it up into a few posts for easy journaling and reading…….

Labug, I will start with thoughts around your most recent post.

You're borrowing trouble from tomorrow. S8 will most likely have lots of thoughts about his circumstances as he gets older but you have no way of knowing what those will be. Having loving people around him who help him deal with that is the most important thing here.

ouch! - but thanks for the reminder.

I think you're very angry and hurt, we all have been there.

I can understand why you think she seems selfish, it's painful when we realize we've missed a chance and something important is going away. Grieving that loss is part of the process. Anger is part of the process. You have to feel it.

I am feeling many emotions – angry, hurt, betrayed, sad, lied to, empathetic (for W and where she is currently at), a sense of loss and I am sure many others. Doing much better at recognizing the emotions and realizing that if I can just wait a few moments (and not react) the feelings will often wash through…… I think that’s a good thing and an improvement – I was never one to show or react based on emotion but the recognition and letting things pass through is different. I think before it was much more like “pack it away for another day” and move on……

Also, I continue to feel guilty and feel like it’s my fault somehow that W cannot find a way to work on things…. What keeps coming back to me is that it is a husband/fathers role to provide and protect – no matter what….. At times feels like I have failed in that area…….. Even though (when thinking from a less emotional state) I am aware that we are all free to make choices and that I am not the one who is choosing this path – and I cannot choose W’s path for her (as much as I would love to help her with that..)

There are also times when I see interacting with the boys – laughing, joking, having fun, acting as if everything is great – I have thoughts like “why does she want to give part of that up” “how can she act that way knowing all the pain that she will potentially be causing” I know that this may all be an act/front and on the inside she may be feeling very different - she has said that she cried herself to sleep for 2+ years getting to where she is at…….. Why is it that WAS seem to create self-inflicted misery and then often direct the blame elsewhere??

About the guardian, answer questions truthfully. What else can/would you do?

What would the alternative to what she's suggesting be? (leaving out the obvious, reconciliation)

In this scenario ^^^^, I think adoption is the best alternative (leaving out the obvious, reconciliation)

Thanks for any feedback – or 2x4s! Not feeling quite as strong or centered today.......

[AnotherStander]

AS thanks for the comments. W hasn't directly stated ^^^^^ but I feel relatively certain that is why she wants the adoption to take place 1st. She and S8 are close - as most young children are with their mothers - and I would guess that she wants to make sure that she has partial custody of him.

OK, that makes more sense. I guess I would suggest clarifying with her why she is doing this, I hope it's just for more access to S8 and not for some nefarious purpose like bilking you for more child support or something. WAS's are capable of some pretty heartless stuff.

[SemperFi00]

OK, that makes more sense. I guess I would suggest clarifying with her why she is doing this, I hope it's just for more access to S8 and not for some nefarious purpose like bilking you for more child support or something. WAS's are capable of some pretty heartless stuff.

AS, thanks for the comments and interest.

I really believe that W is more concerned about ensuring that there will be no problem getting time with him than child support or something else.

At least that is what I am choosing to believe - I do not think that she is the type of person who would try anything nefarious. Although, now that I type that statement, prior to all of this starting I didn't think she was the type to leave a marriage/family either - things that make you say hmmmmmmmmm........

Will continue to reflect on that a little more though.

[labug]

Also, I continue to feel guilty and feel like it’s my fault somehow that W cannot find a way to work on things….

Guilt can be good, if it's in response to knowing that in some way we've hurt another person and we want to make amends for that. In this case it seems a little misplaced...why do you think you should be able to fix your W?

(A) “how can she act that way knowing all the pain that she will potentially be causing” I know that this may all be an act/front and on the inside she may be feeling very different - she has said that (B)she cried herself to sleep for 2+ years getting to where she is at…….. Why is it that WAS seem to create self-inflicted misery and then often direct the blame elsewhere??

She can do A because of B. She's an unhappy (depressed??) woman and for whatever reason, she's unable to get change that. Kids aren't better off in a depressed intact family. This is one of those situations where perhaps the most loving thing you could do is say, "I see how difficult this is for you, let's end it well for the kids and for us." (when/if she files)

What is the self-inflicted misery and who do you feel she's blaming? I remember you writing she said is was her, not you.

[SemperFi00]

Guilt can be good, if it's in response to knowing that in some way we've hurt another person and we want to make amends for that. In this case it seems a little misplaced...why do you think you should be able to fix your W?

I don't think it is necessarily guilt around not being able to fix my W - more guilt about letting things get to this point. Although maybe that's just semantics because if this is her issue I guess I couldn't have prevented it from happening any more than I can "fix her" now that it has.

Part of it also I think is related to how I was raised and just good old fashioned Catholic guilt. Something like "judge the measure of a man through the countenance of his spouse" and the belief that a man is supposed to provide for his spouse and family.

Maybe it's also not guilt about trying to fix her but rather that I haven't found the right way to say or show her that staying together deserves more effort that what we have given it so far?????

She can do A because of B. She's an unhappy (depressed??) woman and for whatever reason, she's unable to get change that. Kids aren't better off in a depressed intact family. This is one of those situations where perhaps the most loving thing you could do is say, "I see how difficult this is for you, let's end it well for the kids and for us." (when/if she files)

Thanks for this perspective labug. I think that she is maybe depressed - on a low dose (20 mg) I think of an SSRI. One of the generics for Prozac. Don't understand all the ins/outs of depression but for the life of me I can't think of what she has to not be happy about. Great life ecomonically, relatively healthy, 3 healthy, well behaved children, etc......

I think she may be looking for some excitement or to feel alive versus just feeling like she is going through the motions...

Can't understand it but from what she has described I can certainly state that I would not want to be going through it.... what ever "it" is

What is the self-inflicted misery and who do you feel she's blaming? I remember you writing she said is was her, not you.

Not sure - seems at times like she doesn't want to be happy or doesn't feel like she deserves. Or something similar to that....

Maybe other contributing factors could be the fact that she is likely going thru menopause (PCP mentioned 3-4 years ago something about peri-), her F was an alcoholic who at best was emotionally distant, her parent went through D when she was younger and W didn't have much of a R w/F for several years, older two boys are 17 and 15 and need her less so not feeling as important..... All things that she has mentioned directly and indirectly at different points.

Right now, I think at some level she is blaming our R for how she feels and that is why she is saying she wants to leave. At the same time though she says that she is not sure that leaving is really going to make her happy but that if she could spend 50% of her time with kids and be happier that would be an improvement.

Have more thoughts and things I would like to journal about but this may be getting long now so going to take a break......

Thanks for the continued interest and support

[SemperFi00]

Hopefully the post makes some sense and is not too rambling. Have a good Sunday everyone!

[SemperFi00]

Couple of other things – just to keep consistent with the journaling……

Still after GAL activities and working hard to keep PMA (even though last few posts have been focused in a different area):

- 2 weekends ago S15 and I flew to see nephew play in final college football game. My mom met us at the airport and we all went together. Also found out it was Senior day when we got there so that was a bonus. Quick trip but lots of fun….
- A couple mornings over that past few weeks S8 has grabbed a pair of walkie-talkies and we have played around in the morning while getting ready for school – one of us upstairs/one downstairs. Amazing how sometimes the smallest things can add joy and fun in our lives…..
- Yesterday took S17 to a college workshop focused on prep, finances, etc….. he protested a bit but not too much so I think he kind of wanted to go, even though he didn’t want to say that…..

Just getting these out there – mostly as a reminder to me I guess. Feeling a little stressed with the upcoming adoption court date on Wed and in-laws being in town for TGiving.

Deep breaths and remaining consistent…

[SemperFi00]

also forgot to mention one other activity from the wknd

originally had plans to go out and some fall cleanup yardwork with S16 on Saturday........

Ended up playing board games w/S8 & S16 - couple of games of Sorry with S8 and marthon Monopoly game with S8 & s16...... S16 even saw us setting it up and came in an said he also wanted to play....

Last bit of leaves will still be there a few more days but oh well right? Higher priority is spending time w/kids when they are open to it......

[labug]

Your weekend with the kids sounds so grat! I love those simple times of just hanging out. S24 and I drove to the Grand Canyon after Christmas last hear for a couple of nights, we got snowed in at Williams and spent an unscheduled night there but it was so fun. He and I hadn't spent that much time together, just the 2 of us, since his brother was born. Once we got to the Canyon, there was no TV or internet access (score!) played A LOT of solitaire. That will always be a special memory for me.

Maybe it's also not guilt about trying to fix her but rather that I haven't found the right way to say or show her that staying together deserves more effort that what we have given it so far?????

That's still trying to fix. I don't know if it's guilt you're feeling or frustration that there is no fixing this. I think there's a lesson to be learned from all the difficult things we encounter in life. You don't know what's beyond this, what's in store for you.

This has been a gift for me, and that was true even before we thought of reconciliation.

Don't understand all the ins/outs of depression but for the life of me I can't think of what she has to not be happy about. Great life ecomonically, relatively healthy, 3 healthy, well behaved children, etc......

Just let me say this, about that^^^ I would ask that you educate yourself about depression. I was depressed for a long time and it's not about being happy or unhappy or what you have or don't have. It runs much deeper. The stigma and judgment that surround it is what keeps people from seeking treatment and getting better.

So let go of the judgment and find out what it's really all about. When we are judging a person, even if we never say a word, they can usually feel it.

All the things you mention are contributing factors for sure but they are hers to figure out and deal with. That doesn't mean you shouldn't educate yourself but you can't fix her. This is one of those unconditional love, support from afar situations. I think you have some empathy for her... sometimes we just have to turn things over to the Higher Power.