You know, PM, I do the same things with people. I talk to friends of mine (and a family member or two) that are struggling and try to show them the realities of some of the decisions they may be contemplating. I also encourage folks to take a good look at themselves and embrace the somewhat liberating power of saying "I was wrong and I can/will do better". I tell them to listen to even the smallest of complaints from a spouse...especially if it is repeated. Because, as you noted, you don't want to be me. If folks can stay together and learn from my pain at least it was worth something. I honestly wouldn't even wish this upon someone I dislike.
It has been awhile since I have been on the boards. I just caught up with your sitch on this thread. You seem to be doing well all things considered.
I'm especially glad that you are standing up for your time with your S during the holidays. It is interesting how people get upset when they don't get their way and have a sense of entitlement. The line has to be drawn, or it will continue to happen.
I can relate to much of what you have gone through or are going through. One thing you mentioned that you have learned while dating, is that many people who are divorced cannot stand their X. That is the beauty of DB'ing. No matter the outcome of our respective situations, we improve immensely from an individual standpoint. Of course, if we choose to put in the work.
Just wanted to stop by. Think I will be back often to pay it forward.
Be well my friend.
Peace
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Glad to see you here. I often check back in to see if you have posted and haven't seen much of anything recently. Notwithstanding, I hope you are well.
Standing my ground was difficult and remains so. Honestly, I still have this mentality that wants to make sure she is happy. But if I look at it objectively, all that does is mkae things worse. I do it because I want her to know that I am a good guy that is STILL willing to work on our family.....but after while, it gets to a point where I think she is just taking because she knows that she can. Honestly, I have given her my time during the holidays and many other times and that hasn't really brought us closer. It has kept the peace and given her what she wants, but she's still in her condo and I am still in the house. This year I realized that what I was doing wasn't moving the ball forward in our relationship.....just leaving my heartsick without my son.
As she was getting upset and saying things like "4 days with my family in IA is not acceptable!" and "he has TWO families"....I was so tempted to say that this was not my choice. Oddly enough (or maybe not so oddly) this whole time there has been no recognition that this is a consequence of the D that she wanted...and our time is dictated by the D decree that she wanted and signed. I have to live with crappy consequences all the time....seems like she tries to shift the burden of it to me when it is her time to suffer. Honestly, I think a lot of this is that she doesn't like being on her own during the holidays. Also not my problem.
It's weird, ya know? Up unti then we were getting along well...we took S trick or treating together....she would talk to me about things going on in her life and vice versa....and then *BOOM* .... she gets angry and blames me.
My new IC has been working with me on some of this stuff and has basically been helping me move forward by encouraging me to stick to my guns and essentially say (peacefully) that I don't like this style of life either and if the day ever comes when you want to discuss living differently, I am open to it. That has been helpful for me.
During the back-and-forth XW said that she would be willing to go with me to my IC "to work through this compromise". I told her that I had made a lot of progress with my IC and did not want to use her for one-off incident resolution. I said it peacefully and told her that if she ever wants to come with me to IC with me or the regular (or even once in awhile) that the invite was there.
Her response was that I was trying to "control" what was discussed in counselling. I.E. "we can't talk about resoliving this incident, but we CAN to about recon" -- which was by no means my intent. She called me doing that "unhealthy".
I don't know...I guess I am venting a bit here since I haven't done it in a bit. She has been barely communicative in recent days and if so, it is with regard to her travel plans for the most part. What's messed up is that I still feel that making her angry is me pushing her away from me. I know that is not healthy, and I am not giving in to it - but it is hard to shake that frame of mind at times.
Many of us on similar time frames are still here, so don't despair on that front. What we feel and are going through seems to be pretty normal in that regard.
Crimson it sounds like you are still walking on egg shells. Be yourself buddy. And have no expectations.
I'm happy that you are doing ok. I know how painful this is but it ain't the end of the world. You could have become superman (I like the matrix characters more) and she wouldn't have cared. I don't know so why worry.
I'm very impressed and proud of u as to how you have grown closer to the little guy. Life does get better once u let it
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Glad to see you here. I often check back in to see if you have posted and haven't seen much of anything recently. Notwithstanding, I hope you are well.
I am well. I needed to redirect my focus on being a single father and utilize my extra time by volunteering. Another project that I am in the midst of, is starting a “Dad’s” program at my children’s school. The whole premise is to encourage other dads/father figures to be more involved with their children. In turn, it keeps me accountable. It has been good for me and my kids.
My sitch (still married, but separated) has remained status quo for awhile, however I am starting to make efforts to move it forward. I just needed to be ready to do it. By what I can gather, I will be single. Of course this happened before and I thought the same thing. Now I have more tools and understanding of what to look for. Anyway...enough about me.
Originally Posted By: Crimson
Standing my ground was difficult and remains so. Honestly, I still have this mentality that wants to make sure she is happy. But if I look at it objectively, all that does is mkae things worse. I do it because I want her to know that I am a good guy that is STILL willing to work on our family.....but after while, it gets to a point where I think she is just taking because she knows that she can. Honestly, I have given her my time during the holidays and many other times and that hasn't really brought us closer. It has kept the peace and given her what she wants, but she's still in her condo and I am still in the house. This year I realized that what I was doing wasn't moving the ball forward in our relationship.....just leaving my heartsick without my son.
I think sometimes we become enablers because of the fear of rocking the boat. They will most likely kick and scream when they don’t get their way. So what? Boundaries need to be set. If there are no boundaries, how are they to be respected?
A couple of things that I want to touch on. You mentioned your mentality of wanting to keep her happy. You can walk on water and it might not be enough. Just like it isn’t our responsibility to teach lessons, it isn’t our responsibility to be burdened with trying to maintain their happiness when they are gone. Our only responsibility is to have a cordial and cooperative co-parenting relationship. And as you know, we are each responsible for our own happiness to begin with. Some people go through life seeking it outside of themselves and then there are others unwilling to dig deep to do the work. It is never ending work.
The other thing, you said that you feel heartsick without your son. That is a huge reason to set those boundaries when it comes to your time with him. I am glad that you are sticking to your guns, because that quality time is irreplaceable. I especially enjoyed that you took him to San Diego. Those are memorable times. Ride the momentum of those good times.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Let me preface this by saying I know what I am about to say is not a healthy line of thought and I need to move beyond it. I am just trying to be honest.
That said, I go through moments (and this has been going on since this all began) where I feel as if I need to show her that I have evolved to the point of being aware of her happiness and looking out for it. That is a place where I know failed during our marriage/relationship. I feel as though (and I will say again I need to get over this) there is some level of ownership on my part that I need to show her. And that maybe if she gets it, her mind will change. I KNOW this is "magical" thinking.
I am trying to focus on the moments with my son.....just seems like they are so few at times.
Kudos to you for being honest. You have identified an unhealthy behavior that you know needs resolution. What steps have to taken to address it? Or what is your plan of action?
I believe that as long as a WAS can sense that the LBS is there. They continue doing their thing, because there is no incentive for them to change. That's why the LRT can be so effective. Of course you have to be genuinely ready. Otherwise, it doesn't work.
It has to do with the whole "drop the rope" analogy. There is something to be said about that dynamic.
The thing is, you know all of this. You just have to do it.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Crimson, many people out there (and here) are operating from their unmet needs, usually from early in their life. It seems, and this is merely descriptive, your W is acting like a 2 yr old who hasn't gotten her way. Eventually most 2 yr olds learn that they don't always get their way. Some don't and they carry that with them into adulthood.
Until she's able to recognize that and see it as harmful, she won't change. It's all she knows. You can't change her but you can stand your ground. Don't be afraid of her. If she gets mad, she gets mad.
I have empathy for your W, she's an unhappy woman, she's said so herself but she doesn't know how to break out of it. That's hers. She will continue to be unhappy whether he goes to Iowa with her of not. That will not be the magic pill to make her life better.
You however can choose a good life filled with good times, you have the tools.
Just know that she is not your project to fix.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks Bug and GM. You know what's funny? Well, not "funny" - but....during IC this week my IC told me the exact same thing. That it is no longer me....it's her at this point.
I accept that she is not a project to fix, I think I am just trying to pull out of the notion that I need to prove myself to her as "not-the-man-she-left". Seems like she gets it sometimes - and still others she can somehow revert back to "we are toxic and unhealthy". Seems as if as long as I am caving in and giving her what she wants I am a good guy. Not good enough for R or rebuilding - but good. When I stand my ground, well, I am "unhealthy" and manipulative.
Case in point: I sent her a very kind response to why I was keeping my time with S over the holidays. I was VERY, VERY careful not to use "I" and "you" statements. I was careful of the tone and really spoke honestly about my feelings and what I wanted. To make sure she understood that it was not meant to be a scathing or hateful e-mail (even though there was no chance of it being read that way) I concluded by saying "I am saying all of this from a kind and caring place". She said in her e-mail back:
"Please refrain from telling me you are coming from a kind and caring place. That may make you feel better about yourself, but your actions speak otherwise. Kind and caring must mean something different to you than it does to me". It shouldn't have hurt my feelings, but it did.
Oh well....I guess it is her problem at this point. I just wish I didn't have to pay for her problem with time away from my son.
