Hey folks - been awhile. I still drop in and browse from time to time but don't post a lot at the moment. Truthfully, I don't know if many people that were familiar with my ordeal are still around and/or post much.
Things have remained basically the same, all things considered we get along fairly well. In my random dating here and there (and conversations with friends) I am beginning to learn that a lot of divorced people literally despise one another...a lot. Sure, we have our dust-ups, but there has been little animosity.
We have been butting heads about time during the holidays - it's a sensitive topic. The last two holiday seasons I have given up a big chunk of my time so she can go to IA with our little guy. This year I think she approached it as an expectation or entitlement - and when I declined, she was angry. We are working it out, but I have no grand plans of giving up my time.
As far as dating goes, I have concluded that I need to stop. I am not ready at all yet. I have been out with a pretty decent number of people and whenever something doesn't work out I don't have feelings of sadness....rather, I have a feeling of relief because in the back of my head I knew I was not able to commit to the extent that someone would want. Perhaps in time I will get there - and I hate being lonely, but I think I am still healing. For now, I am content focusing as much as my love as I can on my son. I get back 3x what I give there. For now, I know I am just not in a place to love someone else or to let them love me....not yet anyway. I hope to get there.
I have made some pretty decent progress with my new counselor. She is honestly the best I have had in this process and is helping me identify a lot of things that I have not seen. Moreover, she is helping me learning the difference between "moving on" and "moving forward" (discussed here a lot) - it's been good. She has also started me on EMDR (Google it) - it's a little different for me, but I am open to new things in the name of getting better.
More than anything in this process, my heart is still shattered about all the time I miss with my son. I know I have said this a lot already, but we have bonded so much and gotten so close. He hates leaving my house and wants to stay and not go to her place (not bragging - just saying). I hate being away from him, and it hasn't gotten any easier. I dropped him off today at pre-school and he couldn't stop hugging me...I had to peel him off and hand him to his teacher while he was still reaching out to me. I burst into tears the moment I got to the car. Because of work travel I won't see him again until Thanksgiving at the earliest. My heart is sunk.
Today I found myself asking God what the point of this is now. I get that to this point there was a LOT that I had to learn about myself, who I was, what I was doing, love, communication, and being a father. I have come so far up that mountain and have made so many changes. Yet, I am still in pain and still without my son. I am sure there is a point, a reason to it - but at times I wish it was clear so I knew I wasn't suffering without my son, my family, for nothing. I'm not cursing God at all....just confused and well, in pain a lot.
All in all I am good, just trying to find a rhythm to life. I would LOVE to tell everyone here that I don't STILL miss my ex - I do. I would love to say that I didn't often think of missing my family...I do. But I am coping. At least I know that I have grown in this process. And as a song once said, "we grow in dirt".
She has also started me on EMDR (Google it) - it's a little different for me, but I am open to new things in the name of getting better.
Crimson,
Good to hear you’re still moving forward
I have done EMDR and I think it is great, it seems to work better for those who can remember and can visualize, but can work for anyone. One thing I would suggest is going into EMDR with a goal or plan, otherwise your just stirring up emotions.
Best of luck.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
BUG!!!!! "Pieceing 9/13"??? That makes me soooo happy - I hope it is going well....
KP - "We Grow in Dirt" is a song on John Popper's (lead singer of Blues Traveler) solo album, "Zygote". Good song....good album.
JP - EMDR has been sorta "trippy" but helpful. My counselor is developing a plan around it for me for sure. Luckily (or unluckily) I am one of those people that can remember and visualize....that has been painful these years, but maybe EMDR can make that a good thing.
Thanks all for dropping by...and remembering me. I appreciate all of you and all that you guys have done. Sure, I am still kind of mess every now and then - but the folks here "found me and took me in" at my worst and made all of the difference.
Is good to hear from you Crimson. I was thinking about you yesterday and wondering how you were.
I wish you all the best
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Our stories follow similar timelines and are in similar spots right now. I'm glad to see you back and am sorry this continues to be a difficult time for you.
Regarding asking God "why?", He never promises we'll ever know why things happen (1Cor.13:12), we just have to have faith that He is good and is working for the good of those who love Him (Rom.8:28).
I know it's easier to go through trials when we know what the outcome will be or what the purpose of all the suffering is for, but try and view it as conditioning yourself to really appreciate and impact the time you DO have with your son, and to endure well with the time you do not. Maybe you still have lessons to learn, or maybe you will be able to keep some other married couple from suffering as you have suffered.
I recently told a group of men (who are mostly all married) that I wanted them to learn from the mistakes that I made so they don't repeat them. That I didn't want anyone to have to go through the pain and turmoil and suffering that I went through, and said "I don't mind being the person you look at and say 'I don't want to be like him,' because the truth of the matter is, you don't want to end up like me...divorced and not living under the same roof as your family." There is a lot you can do with the lessons you've learned!
You said it well: keep fighting the good fight!
Action item: go out of your way to do something nice for someone else today.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I recently told a group of men (who are mostly all married) that I wanted them to learn from the mistakes that I made so they don't repeat them. That I didn't want anyone to have to go through the pain and turmoil and suffering that I went through, and said "I don't mind being the person you look at and say 'I don't want to be like him,' because the truth of the matter is, you don't want to end up like me...divorced and not living under the same roof as your family." There is a lot you can do with the lessons you've learned!
-PM
I feel the same. It's a shame we don't learn from others lessons. What you said to them is good and if they felt what you have felt they would do what is needed. Sadly they will have to find their own way because to them it won't happen to them until it does.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
