Blinded by the lights

[LJC]

Evening all

I hope you are all well, I don't mean to be a stranger I keep a close eye on many of your Sitch's but in the background. In a few of your threads I don't think I'm able to comment or offer anything new and gleen what advice I think is relevant to my Sitch.

I've been thinking about something that happened yesterday after I took the kids back to W. Again, because of a heavy night out my W asked if I had any bread and milk she could have because 'she couldn't be bothered' to go out. Thinking of my kids packed lunch etc for school of course I said yes. When I took kids back I had to goto W front door because D10 couldn't manage she said I could 'come in' which I did and she offered me money which I refused because of the petty amount.

What happened while I was there has been bothering me tho and I've been thinking of different reasons why. Every year while I was with W we spent Xmas day with MIL/FIL, last year because of BD I was left out because of the rawness of the whole Sitch. I have been dreading this year as it's the season of good will etc etc but out of the blue my W asked if I fancied spending Xmas at MIL's!! Now I didn't give her a straight Yes or No, not because I didn't want to seem eager but I'm not sure what my parents are doing and wanted to discuss it with them but they are in Florida at the moment on Holiday.

Internally I was quite chuffed because after all the advice from DR and you guys my lack of Mentioning about the R has made my W feel 'more at ease around me' but then I got thinking has she done this for her benefit? Last year I spent an hour or so with my kids on Xmas day and I did mention in an earlier written email that this year I'd like to have the kids for the whole day which she replied with 'we're see nearer the time'.

My question is has she thought theirs no way she can go without the kids for the whole of Xmas day and it'll be easier (even if I have to spend it with him!) if I ask him for Xmas dinner etc OR am I mind reading and complicating things and I should really see this as a positive step?

This has been driving me crazy so I'd like some great 3rd party advice!

Thanks

[Accuray]

LJC, I wouldn't try to dissect it or think three moves ahead. I would just look at it as an invitation and decide what *you* would like to do, and what you would think would be best for your kids.

If you want to go to MIL's and think it will make you happy, then do it and just go without any baggage about what it means or what might happen next.

If you don't want to go, then politely decline and make other plans.

The only way you lose here is if you go to either (1) appease W even though you don't really want to and then can't handle it and are depressing to be around, or (2) appease W in the hopes that it will be the first step on a path to reconciliation and get your hopes up.

Acc

[LJC]

Thanks Acc

I really try to just take things as they are at the moment but, and I'm sure some might relate to this, when I'm tired I start over analyzing? I still have an ok relationship with the in laws and as I do with the W so nothing will be that awkward and I've learnt from the boards to expect nothing. I've also learnt that whenever out to be the best person you can be and I'm never seen to be depressing around anyone.

I love my time with the kids and didn't think for a million years I'd be asked to spend Xmas with them and my W did say the kids would love you there at Xmas. I think I know what I want to do and the reason why I posted on here is because I was gonna text W and ask her the real reason behind the invite but that would have been a mega backslide so decided to ask the boards about the dilemma.

Thanks

[juliegayle]

Very wise to take that step back before reacting and questioning her motives. (That is a skill I am far from mastering). What are the chances you would have gotten a satisfactory response? Emotions run high at the holidays. Then when you throw kids into the mix. .. she may even be a bit muddled about her motives. Good luck!

[LJC]

Hello all

I was going to post lastnite but I was so tired I thought it could wait till now, I'm pleased I did wait as it means I can add to the story which you will read in a minute (depending how fast you read of course!)

I suppose this is more of a journal and certainly isn't worthy of a new thread title as in a way this is relevant.

I had kids over weekend which was great fun as always, I even got S4 to ride his bike without stabilisers which was such a proud moment for me to see, I even snap chatted a video of this to W (rightly or wrongly). Half hour before the kids were due back at W's I received a text message from her saying she was round her parents because her brother and his wife (who is heavily pregnant) were down and could I drop the kids of there which is no prob as we all live very close together! In the text she added 'u could pop in if you wanted as you haven't seen them in ages'. My first impression of this was 'oh no not tonite' as I was really tired and not up for 'being the best I could be!'

I took them round and went in to the in laws and I got a good reception, they was sitting around the dinner table and asked if I wanted a glass of wine which I initially refused and got distracted in helping BIL with the new pram they had bought. After this I sat down at the table without thinking and before I knew it I had a glass of red in front of me and was eating cheese and biscuits! I surprisingly had a good time catching up with everyone even tho I was in my W's parents house with W and the in laws! I always feel awkward around W, I think its because I'm always in DB'ing mode and I'm always careful with words and actions as I know she'll be watching my every move and listening to everything I say but I lasted 3 hours (time flew by!). In the end I actually left with W and kids and walked a little way with them until the corner where she goes one way and I go the other, I said my goodbyes to the kids, by this time W had started walking so no goodbye kiss but I didn't expect that so didn't beat myself up.

I'm writing this down as it gave me great insight as to what Xmas might be like there!

Anyway, today I received a phone call from the Brother In Law who was there lastnite saying that it was good to see me as it has been ages, I said I know it was a good night and that his W, (my SIL I suppose?) looked great considering she only had 5 weeks till baby was due! We talked back a forth and he. Brought up what I was doing for Xmas (I'm sure he must have known about my invite to his parents??) I mentioned I had an offer from W but hadn't accepted yet because I wanted to to discuss it with my parents. He understood and said he'd make an appearance there Xmas day at some point. All in all it was nice for him to phone but I find it strange that he ask about Xmas, like he was fishing?? I don't know how that sounds?

One things for sure, this experience is the toughest ever and I can see why some people just 'move onto the next' I'm determined to see this through and if ever I get to hold my W in my arms again she will see a changed man.

Thanks

[LJC]

Forgot to mention, while in the MIL/FIL's lastnite I spied a wedding pic of me and W on the side board. Wasn't hidden or at the back, just sitting nicely in the centre! I took some comfort seeing that after all this time

I feel at the moment the R is gonna go one way or the other, good or bad if you like!

Only time and patience will tell

[JuneReN]

^^ When H wonders how I can carry on with my life, especially one time when he asked me to get out of it so he could give relationship with OW (ie massage girl) a shot, I tell him exactly what you posted.

we will either be together or we won't. No use worrying about anything else lol.

I will second Acc. Do what you want and what will not make you crazy. Do not wonder or worry about W's motives, who cares? (Okay, well you do, I know ).

But if it will upset you greatly to find out her motive was all about her, which it very well could be, then you have to think if it is worth it to you.