Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Well I have been accused of wanting to pay down debt more than wanting children. I can see the the light at the end of the tunnel as far as that goes if we stay M. I also realized that being debt free was not everything it is cracked up to be if you sacrificed other areas of happiness to get there. About 3 years ago I realized that no matter what, money issues could be worked out if we had a baby. This along with a tragic event caused me to see that we needed to start our family then. Problem is I didnt know how to bring it up to my W. She had been wanting children for about 7 years and I kept saying we couldnt afford it right now. Extremely stupid of me I know.
We both knew that each other wanted kids we just never discuss it the way a married couple should.Because of a lack of communication skills we just swept under the rug and it obviously built up a lot resentment in my W. I cant blame her but I just wish that three years ago I would have manned up and asked to have a baby back then instead of waiting till 2 months before the S to ask.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
General question here. How do you tell the difference between baby steps of progress or just your positive attitude fooling you into thinking it is progress?
I see my W talking to my family or sending cards for Birthdays after the S as a positive. She said when we S that I was taking my family away from her. I told her this wasn't true at all. She knows that my Family loves her like one of their own and always has. If we would actually ever D I don't think that my family would be quite as nice. They would not ignore her but they wouldn't go out of the way to help her out I don't believe.
If I were wanting a D like my W. I don't think I could keep in touch with her family because I would want to detach from my past as fast as I could. Does this mean that she possibly is confused and does not know if she really wants a D because she would risk losing all that she has had for the last 15 years?
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
"General question here. How do you tell the difference between baby steps of progress or just your positive attitude fooling you into thinking it is progress?"
Baby steps are positive ones that she does for you. All positive interactions help though. Write them down and file them away. Build on them.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
General question here. How do you tell the difference between baby steps of progress or just your positive attitude fooling you into thinking it is progress?
Bond is correct But... Does it matter at this point?
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
She had been wanting children for about 7 years and I kept saying we couldnt afford it right now. Extremely stupid of me I know.
We both knew that each other wanted kids we just never discuss it the way a married couple should.Because of a lack of communication skills we just swept under the rug and it obviously built up a lot resentment in my W.
Many of us have issues that we didn't take steps to correct, or took only all the wrong steps to correct. We are all guilty of running down cheeseless tunnels. It is good to see where you went wrong, but doesn't do any good to beat yourself up about it - so don't.
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If I were wanting a D like my W. I don't think I could keep in touch with her family because I would want to detach from my past as fast as I could. Does this mean that she possibly is confused and does not know if she really wants a D because she would risk losing all that she has had for the last 15 years?
Big rule around here - don't try to read her mind! (I know, it's much easier said than done.) You will be wrong the vast majority of the time, and you will only drive yourself insane. Nobody here can read her mind any more than you can, either.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Melissag, Thanks for responding and keeping me grounded. I know it is wrong to try and read her mind. These are just thoughts that run through my mind every once in a while.
I have gotten better about not blaming myself completely for the S but the baby issue is squarely on me I believe. We always talked about having kids together it was a dream of ours. We discussed having kids right after we got back from our honeymoon and decided together to wait a year or two. If I would have told her the very next day that I changed my thinking and maybe we should start a family. I am 100 percent positive that she would have said YES!!!
I guess in that respect I took it for granted that the option would always be there when I was ready. I just wish I had told her 3 years ago instead of just dropping hints. How childish and actually selfish of me to think that would work.
So now I am left with her saying "I wish you would have told me your desires back then" or " now it is too late why couldnt you tell me sooner". She knows now that anytime she wants a baby I am there. I think that puts me at a disadvantage even though she has told me as recent as 3 months ago she still desires a baby.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Feeling a bit down tonight. I am trying so hard to do the things that I read about in DR but I am not sure I am applying things correctly. I am giving my W as much space as possible, letting her initiate texting or phone calls unless it pertains to me getting my mail or needing something from the marital home.
One of our problems has always been a lack of communication. Which of course, she blames on me for not listening to her or hearing her. I dont feel that this is completely justified. Plus it works both ways. How am I to improve our communication skills if I need to let her initiate all contact and then keep it short.
Another issue she said was a problem is that I was not romantic enough. This I dont get at all. I always tried to be romantic. I remember all important dates from the first time we started dating which by the way is today to something as small as when she bought me a certain shirt that is my favorite.
I always loved holding hands in public or private. She told me things that made her feel special like caressing her face with the back of my hand while looking at her or kissing her. Running my fingers through her hair or kissing her as we passed in the house. I did all things and here is the kicker I liked to do it. I did it as often as possible. She says that she remembers telling me these things so I must be hearing what she is saying to me but I am just telling her what she wants to hear. I guess she feels I am just saying things to get her to come back to the M.
I dont how to reinforce these thoughts if she wont allow me to get close enough to give her a hug or kiss and show her I love doing these things instead of talking about them.
It seems to be a contant battle when I try and validate her feelings or empathize with her. She says I know you are working on things to improve this but again you are telling me these things because it is what I want to hear. I tell her I am working on some things for myself and thanks for noticing
Any pointers on what I may not be doing correctly? Or things that I might try to get her to trust that these improvement are going to stick and we wont fall back into the past marriage problems. I truly feel in my heart after solo MC that what I have learned in those sessions will stick and create a great marriage moving foward that will allow us to start the family that we both always wanted.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
How big of a problem might this present. I accidently sent a text that was meant for a friend to my W.
The reason it was sent in the first place was out of frustration with my sitch. When I want to go to the Martial home I must text or call first to let my W know I am coming. I am living with my parents at the moment about 5 mins away. I have always wanted to move back to my home and my W knows this. I chose not to push the issue until recently because our dog was sick and would be more comfortable in our home. But the poor thing past away 9 weeks ago and then that is when I restated my desire to move back.
The thing that gets me is when my W comes over to my Parents house to see them she just walks right in the house with no call no knock or anything. This latest incident happened last week. It was nice to see her but it is still frustrating how she does this. My parents don't mind but I feel she should have the same respect for me that I am showing her. As soon as she left I wrote the text I didn't pay attention which thread I was on and hit send.
This is what it said " my W just left after coming over to see my parents. Can you believe she just walked right in. I was out in the driveway and watched the whole time. I then went in and saw her. She saw me with my gym stuff. WTF!!! sorry to bother you just journaling to you can I please please talk to you later."
Of course this made my W call right away. She said "I got that text you sent". I said " yeah sorry about that it was meant for such and such person" I used the name of a relative not the actual person it was meant for because they are a mutual friend. she sounded like she was going to get upset or cry she said Bye and hung up.
She then called my Mother and talked to her. Saying "our problems are not yours and mine and sorry if walking right in upset you". My mom assured her that she didn't mind and the door is always open for her.
What I didn't know is My Mother invited the W to Thanksgiving Dinner when she was there and she didn't flat out say no. This was before she received the text though.
Do I just let it go because it is done and over with and I already apologized? Or should I be proactive and tell her it would be great to see her on Thanksgiving but not say anything about the text?
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Do I just let it go because it is done and over with and I already apologized?
Yes, let it go. You're right, it was pretty "forward" of her to just walk in. I don't think you hurt anything by letting her know, even if it was on accident. She needs to begin to understand that she's not a member of your family anymore.
