Afraid I have waited too long

[nit84]

MrBond,
I agree and want to move back but when I bring it up she says we cant live under the roof together. I told her I could handle it if we did. I told her she is welcome to stay but if she couldn't handle it I would not stop her from moving out but would always be welcomed back. I am moving back for me not necessarily to reconcile but that would be a nice side effect.

She says she would need a signed agreement that would then carry through to the D. Then she would take her stuff and move out. I told her to write a list of things that she wants and I would look it over to see if I agree with it and go from there. She said she would need a couple weeks to do this. It has been four weeks so far and she said she was working on it but some things have come up that would delay her from completing the list. IMHO she is comfortable and not really ready to take this forward because she is unsure if she really wants the D.

one of the biggest reason I want to move back is to start fixing up the home in case we have to sell it. I don't want to sell I want to fix it up for us and possibly our future family. I think this would go a long way to helping us get back together because this has always been a complaint of hers that I don't fix up the house. Thinking if I started this process she would how much our home and M mean to me without having to say it and giving the impression that this is just to appease her.

My problem is how to tell her I am moving back in the least upsetting way so it doesn't turn into an ugly argument.

My parents and siblings are on board with me on moving back. I am sure she knows this but she has stopped over to see my parents and talked to my sister and brother since we had the conversation a month ago so I am at a loss why she would be keeping in contact with my family if she is planning on moving forward with the D.

Oh, one last thing she says she feels like we could do this D without getting any attys involved because of the cost and just do it ourselves because we are civil and have been together so long. She says she knows after all this is over we will be the best of friends and who knows a couple years down the road if we are meant to be together we will be. This is the part that baffles me. Why wont she try everything possible before D.

[MrBond]

"She says she would need a signed agreement that would then carry through to the D."

Tell her 'no'. Tell her that you are not going to sign anything that you are not comfortable with. That you will be moving into the side room and she is more than welcome to do what she feels like to do.

"My problem is how to tell her I am moving back in the least upsetting way so it doesn't turn into an ugly argument."

See above.

[nit84]

Actually tried all the above in that conversation 4 weeks ago and she said would call the police and that she is afraid of me. She has said that she is afraid of me a couple times since the S but when I ask her why she does not answer me. We have had 3 pushing incidents in our past the last one being about 2 years ago. we were both drinking and both doing the pushing honestly not sure who started it but that does not matter it should never of happened in the first place. there is no excuse for it. We both apologized to each other the next day after each incident. No police were ever called, no bruises, hitting or punching were ever involved.

When I ask my family if she ever expressed this concern to them before and they said no. I said what about after the separation they again said no.

IMHO, it seems when things aren't going the way she needs them too or if I stand up for myself and not let her treat me like a doormat is when she says this. She has always invited me into the house when I go over to do whatever. If she feels like I wont leave when she wants me to is when this statement comes up. This hurts me beyond belief and I think she knows it and there no way to defend myself against it.

[MrBond]

Go and get legal representation so that you're protected, then go back home. Period. Don't be afraid of her.

[nit84]

I want to avoid L's if at all possible. I don't want it to seem like an ultimatum. I have spoken with a L. It was back at the beginning of Sept. and they seemed to think all was ok with a plan to move back. I felt dirty after speaking with them because I never wanted it to go this far and they understand I don't want to file. They said just to play it cool and hopefully things shake out the correct way.

[MrBond]

Your talking to a L is to determine your rights. Nothing more.

She has threatened you with police action. A woman in that state of mind will say things that you will be shocked to hear. I've seen it time and time again over my 5 years here.

Find out what your rights are so that when she threatens you again, show her your backup.

Move back in.

[nit84]

MrBond,
I will think it over. It is good solid advice that you give. I believe from talking to the L before that I do have a right to move back in. It will just get a little more complicated if she were to call the authorities. When we were discussing this move back during that convo 4 weeks ago. It was after we had just talked about the M for about an hour which she initiated. It was very heartfelt on both of our parts at some points.Then when I asked to finish watching a football game before I left is when she said that made her uncomfortable like I was planning on staying there from that point on.

I told her that was not the case but I would like to move back in a couple of days. That is when she said she would call the police if I didnt leave right then. I told her that was her decision. She never called them and we proceeded to talk about all the reasons I felt I was able to move back in and she proceeded to tell me all the reasons I couldnt.

This went on for about a half an hour. If she wanted she had ample opportunity to make the call but didnt. Actually over the next day or so she could have gotten a protection order against me but didnt. I am not sure but it seems as if she understands that if something like this were to take place it might just turn my family against her which I believe would be something that she does not want because she loves them and they love her and she does not want to lose them.

That whole time I just kept telling her in a calm manner that if she wanted to stay she could. If she wanted to go she could. That was her decision. I had no right to ask her whereabouts or what she was doing or with who and I would expect the same respect from her. She said this move back was just a way of controlling her life and forcing her out of our house. I reassured her that was not the case. It would be good for both of us but mostly her because I would be willing to pay more of the bills and buy groceries which would relieve some burden from her considering she was not and has not worked since about 3 week after the S.

So I guess I could be a little more forceful next time and maybe call her bluff again but it is just so emotional exhausting at times. I have been over the house 3 times since then. Once she was not there but we spoke by phone while I was there.

The next time we had a nice conversation for about 15mins before she had to leave. And this past weekend I was there and picked up something. I talked with the neighbors and then went back inside and showed her some samples of flooring that I would like to install. She said it was like the stuff she wanted a few years prior to this but I refused.I politely reminded her we both agreed that it was a great idea but that it should wait till our beloved dog had crossed the rainbow bridge.

I asked her opinion on something from the next room and I heard her voice crack and I said are you ok? She said "please go I dont want to fight." I said "I didnt realize we were fighting I thought we were deciding on flooring options." I peaked around the corner and she said again" please go" but it was not in a demanding tone and I could tell she was about to tear up so I said sure and went downstairs and out the back way.

Two days later she stops over my parents house to give my mom a birthday card.

I certainly dont want to be confrontational but I guess I could be a little bit more firm on my stance about moving back.Sometimes I think she might be ok with it but cant let it happen because it would show signs of weakness if she gave in like that. Is there any way to move back in and allow her to save her pride? If this could be done I feel she would be more likely to remain in our home which would help the reconciliation process along possibly.

[KdogGS]

she is afraid of me. She has said that she is afraid of me a couple times since the S but when I ask her why she does not answer me. We have had 3 pushing incidents in our past the last one being about 2 years ago. we were both drinking and both doing the pushing honestly not sure who started it but that does not matter it should never of happened in the first place. there is no excuse for it. We both apologized to each other the next day after each incident. No police were ever called, no bruises, hitting or punching were ever involved.

Maybe a good 180 for the time being and to make her feel safe would be to quit drinking since alcohol was involved in this incident? I can tell you as a recovering alcoholic that any type of incident involving alcohol will not help your case or make you look good.

[nit84]

Kdog,
I have quit drinking. The day before the S was the last drink I had. I dont miss it I told her that day I was done drinking forever if she wanted me too. She has noticed that I am not drinking I still go to the private clubs we are members of and mingle with friends but do not drink. I know they confirm with her. I quit smoking the same way. She quit before me and had a tough time but has kept it up for almost 2 years. I quit 6 months after her and have never felt better. I always told her thoughout the M I could stop both vices anytime and it would not bother me one bit.

The quitting smoking actually was an agreed upon stipulation for us to start a family. We both did it so I thought it was a go. If you read my back story you will see that isnt the case I guess. She still drinks and I have no problem with that even if we reconcile I wouldnt have an issue. If we do start a family it will change our lives so profoundly that I think the drinking would just quietly go away. We would have other things to occupy our time. She is well aware of this as I explained to her about a month ago. The problem is trusting that these changes will stick. I understand that. I believe she is having a hard accepting the fact that I am fighting so hard for our M and our future family. Had she asked for all this to place before the S I most certainly would have done it. We lacked some relationship skills and avoied conflicts until they festered and became toxic to our M.

[KdogGS]

Glad to hear it, I hope you can stick to abstaining from both. You must have a lot of will power.

What other vices do you have?

Just trying to help you do some introspection, my addictive personality translates to other areas of my life as well. I am sort of a compulsive saver at times. I can get addicted to investing, or a video game, it wasn't just booze for me.