Back....again.

[TrentC]

Do you think that is something I can change? I feel like it's just my personality. I've always been like this.

People change their ways of thinking all of the time. If they didn't, then it would put psychologists and psychiatrists out of business (not to mention quite a few religions that tell people they can change their ways).

I guess I'm so fearful because of a few reasons. First being I love him.

Why would loving him make you fearful?

Second being we have three small children.

True, but if he was really done with the relationship, staying for the kids is a really lousy reason to do so. And given that you two had #3 after his first incident, a part of me wonders if that wasn't to make sure he could keep you under control.

Third being I've gone back to school and have no income to support myself. And I just wanna do anything to keep this all together

People's plans change all of the time because of situations beyond their control. What would you do if he did actually leave? Or if something horrible happened to him as part of his job?

He continuously goes in and out of these phases. First in 2009. Then again in July of this year. Now again in November. Everything gets better and we go back to normal then this arises again. I feel like I'm fighting for my marriage more than I'm enjoying it.

Then you two need to start doing something different. Really different.

Maybe he doesn't get to refuse to go to marriage counseling anymore, since it seems the two of you have been struggling for so long. If he has these dramatic mood swings, maybe he should see someone on his own; I'd think that it as to be impacting other things in his life.

Or, perhaps he's a crazy, narcissistic control freak who likes having you around to look after his kids and clean up after him while he gets to pretend to be single and hang out with the boys. And all he has to do is either threaten to leave or put on a "poor me" act to keep you in line.

[MrBond]

"Do you think that is something I can change? I feel like it's just my personality."

Of course you can. If you didn't think you could change, you wouldn't be on here. Everyone can change. They just have to WANT to.

"I'm so fearful because of a few reasons. First being I love him. Second being we have three small children. Third being I've gone back to school and have no income to support myself."

Those aren't reasons to be afraid. You just don't believe in yourself enough to be brave.

"I feel like I'm fighting for my marriage more than I'm enjoying it."

That's YOUR choice. YOU are the one who put his needs before yours. It's not his fault. Start living your own life and you'll get your confidence back.

"I know I can't control him but sometimes sitting here and waiting for his ups and downs gets stressful."

Which begs the question...why are you sitting there waiting for HIM? Don't you have your own life? Are you attached to him by a string or a leash? Do you jump at his every command? If so, then you're a puppet and not a W. Start getting your own life. You don't have to go against the marriage for that, but start doing what you enjoy doing without being afraid of consequences.

[Lll54]

Well we have had some time apart lately. He has been reffing hockey a lot lately and I went away on a shopping trip. It was nice to have some space. He was pretty involved in my weekend which I was t expecting. I expected not to hear from him all weekend. So that was good. Once home he made a few comments about being happy he isn't reffing this weekend so we can have some time together and that he was trying to get errands done around the house before I got home so we can has husband an wife time. Always nice to hear. I feel like we are just in a lull. How do you get out of it? I want him to be excited about me. Maybe I'm thinking too much. I get nervous when it's a night we are both home cause I don't want him to feel "bored" with me. But 10 years in I hope this is a normal feeling....

[TrentC]

I feel like we are just in a lull.

Not from what you've been describing the past few months. People in a "lull" don't threaten divorce and don't stay out all night.

How do you get out of it?

Time, and a commitment to work together to make it better.

I want him to be excited about me.

You can't make him interested in you; all you can do is try to be interesting. Understand the difference?

Maybe I'm thinking too much. I get nervous when it's a night we are both home cause I don't want him to feel "bored" with me. But 10 years in I hope this is a normal feeling....

It can be; it's very easy to settle into a rut. The last time I talked to a DB coach, she said that the number one complaint that most couples have is that their lives together become uninteresting. People don't get married with the idea that their lives together are going to be endless nights of watching TV; they want to have a partner to enjoy life with.

That doesn't meant your lives have to be seat-of-the-pants adventure; something as simple as a weekly "date night" would be a good start. Make a commitment to going out and spending time together as a couple.

MWD talks about solution-focused therapy as being the basis of DB: If something isn't working in your relationship, try something new, and if something was working in your relationship, what changed?

Your H's story seems to change as time goes on. What does he say he is unhappy or dissatisfied with in your R?

[Lll54]

Well....I think it's finally come to the end and I basically don't think there is anything I can do anymore.

We went away for the weekend and plans were to stay Sunday in the city and shop. He decided to cut it short and come home to go out with his 2 single buddies and watch the Canadian football league final game of the season. I asked if we can come because usually it's equivalent to the Super Bowl. People have house parties! Kids are there. He said no be is going to a pub with them. I got really upset for him making this decision all on his own. Cancelling our family day in he city and we got into a big fight. It's the first time in months I actually showed my anger and didn't sweep it under the rug. And sure enough...huge fight.

He played stubborn and didn't go and stayed home but the second the game was over he left with them and didn't come home till 3 am and didn't answer any of my texts. That was Sunday and be hasn't really talked to me since except last night.

I asked him what was wrong and he said I'm annoying and he doesn't want to be around me or talk to me. I asked him how to fix it and he said he doesn't know if we can and that our marriage is at an all time low. I told him marriages go through ups and downs and you communicate and figure out the problem and make it better. And he he just wouldn't respond. I left the house for a few hours and when I got back be was still livid.

But then all of a sudden he tried his new work uniform on and came upstairs to ask me how it looks. And then asked me a few more questions about my day.

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do.

And yes TrentC, it does seem like his problems with us are always changing...maybe he is just never gonna be happy in our marriage?

This time his problem is the fact I was upset about him cutting our family weekend short to go drink with his single buddies and leave his family at home.

[TrentC]

Well....I think it's finally come to the end and I basically don't think there is anything I can do anymore.

There wasn't a lot you can do to fix your marriage, because it's not your problem to fix, it's his. We've been telling you from day one that you can't fix him.

He played stubborn and didn't go and stayed home but the second the game was over he left with them and didn't come home till 3 am and didn't answer any of my texts. That was Sunday and be hasn't really talked to me since except last night.

Because you're not letting him have his way any more. He's been pushing you around and feeding you crumbs of hope to keep you exactly where you've been for months.

I asked him what was wrong and he said I'm annoying and he doesn't want to be around me or talk to me. I asked him how to fix it and he said he doesn't know if we can and that our marriage is at an all time low. I told him marriages go through ups and downs and you communicate and figure out the problem and make it better. And he he just wouldn't respond. I left the house for a few hours and when I got back be was still livid.

OK, now stop bothering him about it. Rule one of divorce busting is to stop pressuring him about the relationship; if he has made up his mind that he's going to go, then pressuring him will only strengthen his resolve to do so. If he has not, then backing off may make him reconsider.

And yes TrentC, it does seem like his problems with us are always changing...maybe he is just never gonna be happy in our marriage?

It is possible, but your husband can't fix problems by running away from them.

If it wasn't for his age, then I'd swear that these are classic midlife crisis symptoms: restlessness in his life; the feeling that he's "trapped" by his choices; the desire to act younger and more carefree (irresponsible); the unexpected emotional outbursts. You might want to swing by the Midlife Crisis board on DB and check it out.

[Lll54]

You are 100% correct. He is acting very much like mid life crisis victim. I feel like it still stems from our accidental pregnancy when he was 21 and having to give up professional hockey which he most likely would have taken to the NHL. He goes through these same symptoms every 5 yrs. he is happy...then he is sad and hates his life. Then realizes what he has and wants it back then happy for another 5 yrs then sad again. It's. Never ending.

I know there is nothing I can do to fix it so I'm just gonna keep going. Last night after our terrible conversation i felt sick and was ready to not go through with my day today and stay home and be sad. But I refused this morning and made myself get up and go. Is my stomach in knots? Yes. Can I eat lunch? No. But at least I'm not at home crying all day.

I'm not gonna bring up R anymore and just give him his space. As I wrote this I am at home for my lunch hour and H showed up. He knows I'm here between 12-1. So if he was soooo annoyed and didn't want to be around me then why is he showing up at home knowing full well I'm here.

So confused. He even leaned in for a kiss.
I understand letting him figure it out on his own. It's just hard to be so useless and sit back and hope for the best. But I'll do it. I'll just keep on going. I was "faking" my happy mood this morning and it definitely seems to confuse him.

[Lll54]

TrentC. I also just want to make sure you know how appreciative I am of you and sticking with me over these past 4 years since I first came here. More than I could ever say...it gets me through the day. If that makes sense.

[TrentC]

You're welcome. It's lucky that I still had you on my DB friends' list; I probably would not have caught that you were posting again otherwise.

[TrentC]

I would definitely check out the Midlife Crisis forum here on DB.

There are other forums as well that specialize in helping people who are struggling with their spouse's crisis. You might find links to them in the MLC forum.