Back....again.

[Lll54]

Here I am.... Again. This time I'm not sure there is anything I can do. I haven't responded lately because my H caught me on here and became really upset about it. I was scared to come back in fear of him catching me and everything going down the drain.

I appreciate everyone who offered me advise. When you are going through something like this validation and options and help really gets me through the day so thank you.

And of course I am back. This morning H brought up to me the fact that he doesn't think we love each other enough. That we don't love each other as much as other people do. I told him I love him more than anything and I asked of maybe to him not loving me. He responded "how could I not love you. You do everything for me and take care of me"

He has now been sulking around the house and seems sad and depressed. Are we too far gone?

[TrentC]

I've been wondering what was going on.

You can validate his feelings without agreeing with them. He may feel as if he doesn't love you "enough", but that doesn't mean you feel the same way about him.

Marriages have rocky times; sometimes you don't feel like you love each other, or that the little things keep getting in the way. Marriages that can learn to cope with those times will be stronger and go the distance.

Have you discussed marriage counseling recently? What's going on with his late-night coming and going? The last I saw, it sounded like he was doing some serious cake-eating.

[AnotherStander]

Link to your previous threads:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=26252

I don't really understand why your H would be upset about you being on a DB forum? Sounds like he's just looking for excuses to push you away.

This morning H brought up to me the fact that he doesn't think we love each other enough. That we don't love each other as much as other people do.

In Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Covey makes the case that love is a verb, not a noun. It's something that you do, not something that just "is". Your H has the choice to love you as much or as little as he wants. But if he chooses not to love you, that's a choice that he made, not something he can blame on external elements.

[MrBond]

Why are you afraid of what your H might think? If he gets angry about you reading this site, just tell him it helps you to learn how to make your M better. Period. No other explanation is needed and he can read it if he wants to.

Stop walking on eggshells around him.

[Lll54]

Marriages have rocky times; sometimes you don't feel like you love each other, or that the little things keep getting in the way. Marriages that can learn to cope with those times will be stronger and go the distance.

I agree. I guess I'm just not sure what to say in response. I told him that too. He said he didn't necessarily want a response it's just how he feels. I asked for an example and he couldn't give me one. He then said maybe he is just tired and exhausted and that I shouldn't even listen to him. I just told him I love him more than anything and he is my husband and to never question my love for him. He replied "ok." He was very affectionate during this conversation and told me he loved me too very sweetly by his actions for he rest of the day is what is bothering me. He walked around the house sulking and sad and depressed. I would give him the odd kiss and touch to brighten him but it didn't work. I left now and told him I love him and he replied the same and I left. I fell like he is holding something in and is too scared to tell me. I have him free reign and told him not to hold anything back and he said he wasn't. I don't know what to think?

Have you discussed marriage counseling recently? What's going on with his late-night coming and going? The last I saw, it sounded like he was doing some serious cake-eating.

No haven't brought up counseling. I don't know what my reason would be if he feels likes its a love issue. Marriage counsellor and bring you love? The late night issue has subsided a bit. He hasn't been out late in a while. He went for wings a few weeks ago and came home at a decent time. But I have another issue with that where he is leaving for the weekend to ref hockey and is going to be visiting with his buddy who just cheated on his wife and is now dating the girl. So he will be hanging out with them both. Which worries me.

[Lll54]

I don't really understand why your H would be upset about you being on a DB forum? Sounds like he's just looking for excuses to push you away.

He was upset because he couldn't believe I was putting all our information up on the internet for strangers to read. It infuriated him. Not sure if it was the policeman in him or what. But I decided to stay clear for a while.

In Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Covey makes the case that love is a verb, not a noun. It's something that you do, not something that just "is". Your H has the choice to love you as much or as little as he wants. But if he chooses not to love you, that's a choice that he made, not something he can blame on external elements.

I'm not sure I completely understand this and how to communicate this to my H.

Why are you afraid of what your H might think? If he gets angry about you reading this site, just tell him it helps you to learn how to make your M better. Period. No other explanation is needed and he can read it if he wants to.

Stop walking on eggshells around him.

I did. I told him it's just looking for advice and to help others also that go through marriage problems. He was annoyed and doesn't want me talking about my life on the internet like this. Especially with strangers. I told him to read it and he wanted no part.
I honestly don't think I will ever stop walking on eggshells until our marriage is either over or 100%stable. Right now I'm petrified.

[MrBond]

" Right now I'm petrified."

This is what you are going to have to overcome. Get stronger and he will see that he can't control you. It has become an issue of control for him.

[TrentC]

I honestly don't think I will ever stop walking on eggshells until our marriage is either over or 100%stable.

There is no such thing as a 100% stable marriage; life is full of too much change for that.

What you can hope for is a commitment from your H to work with you when problems arise, not running away from them (and by extension, you).

MrBond is right; you have to learn to overcome this fear of being alone, or of being abandoned by your H, because you can't control him any more than he can you.

[Lll54]

MrBond is right; you have to learn to overcome this fear of being alone, or of being abandoned by your H, because you can't control him any more than he can you.

Do you think that is something I can change? I feel like it's just my personality. I've always been like this. I guess I'm so fearful because of a few reasons. First being I love him. Second being we have three small children. Third being I've gone back to school and have no income to support myself. And I just wanna do anything to keep this all together.

He continuously goes in and out of these phases. First in 2009. Then again in July of this year. Now again in November. Everything gets better and we go back to normal then this arises again. I feel like I'm fighting for my marriage more than I'm enjoying it.

[Lll54]

I know I can't control him but sometimes sitting here and waiting for his ups and downs gets stressful.