H called early this morning to ask about picking S4 up to take him to school. He sounded chipper and like nothing happened last night (not surprising at all). I am sure he slept like a baby while I cried and tended to our children who woke up in the middle of the night. I told him to come at 830, knowing that I would be out of the house (kids with my mom). He asked if we could not be in the house together now because of last night I simply said that last night had changed things for me, was a big wake up call and that I did not know what I was thinking and needed time. It was a short convo because I was leaving for work and trying to get the kids really.
H then called me at work and said that he was a mess after our first phone call. I could tell that he had been thinking and maybe realized for a moment that the fantasy he had been imagining may not come true.
I thought that I would be crushed today. I feel so much stronger after coming her and hearing all your advice. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart!!
I thought that I would be crushed today. I feel so much stronger after coming her and hearing all your advice. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart!!
I'm actually a little surprised to hear you say that because when I read your posts I see someone who is strong and has a good, solid sense of their sitch and what works and doesn't work. I think you're a lot more put-together than you give yourself credit for!
Last night was interesting. When H called me at work yesterday worried, I told him that I needed time to process things and to make a decision because things needed to change. He wanted to know if the changes would begin immediately. The timing worked out perfectly because H would not be coming over to my house in the mornings this due to dentist appointments and school conferences. He asked to come eat dinner last night since he would not see the kids again until Wednesday night. I told him that it would be ok for Monday night only. He will take the kids on his normal nights. No other family time planned.
H got to the house after we had finished eating. He ate dinner and then played with the kids. I could tell that H was making a huge effort to make the night fun for everyone, including me. He was including me in things, joking around with me. I know that he was trying to make the evening fun so that I would have a difficult time saying that we can no longer have family nights together. H showed me a video of a speaking engagement that he did back in September (I was super supportive, but he barely talked to me about it since he goes to OW for this type of stuff). He asked me to show him the Christmas Card I wanted to use and told me to order it and he would do it ASAP so that I could send it out early (H is a photographer). He spent 20 minutes looking on the website looking at card options. It was like an alien entered by house. I used to have to nag him to do this every year and barely got cards out before Christmas. H hated that I like to do things in advance and would make fun of me.
I have to give H credit. He was working his butt off in hopes of changing my mind. But I know that H's actions are based upon his fear that he may be losing a bit of control over little fantasy land.
My favorite part of the evening was a comment that H made that showed me that H really is living in a fantasy land. We were talking about schools for our oldest son last night. I was mentioning some options and commenting on the fact that I hate that our schools only offer half day kindergarten.
H said the following to our son, although he was really talking to me (and my son was not paying attention): "Maybe I should just home school you buddy. It may be the only way for me to see you since mommy only wants to let me see you one day a week."
Without skipping a beat I responded: "Last time I checked, you have the option to be here seven days a week. However, you decided that it is not what you want. You decided you needed something different."
I went back to our conversation about the schools. I am not going to get in a debate with H. I know that our M was broken. I acknowledge my faults and I am working like crazy to became a better person and will continue to do so. I am willing to work on a new relationship. H wants to live in his fantasy world and blame me when he does not get his way. It sealed my decision that things need to change.
Oh 3, I have no idea if that was "good" DBing or not, but I LOVE what you said to your H about having the option to stay 7 days a week. I am sure it won't have any effect on him bc he is delusional right now, but at least you got to entertain yourself.
My H has made several of those kinds of comments. Like, when we had to move around a bunch of money in order for him to pay his rent plus security deposit, he said "I know this is a pain, but I don't have a choice." I was like, ummmmm, yeah you do. Or when the kids ask him, "Daddy, do you HAVE to leave?" "Yes, I do." "Why?" "Because sometimes when you're a grown up you have to do things that you really don't want to do but you don't have a choice." Ha!!!
The crazy thing is that they BELIEVE this stuff. Somehow in their minds, it's true that they have no choice, and clearly, it is our fault. Auugggghhhh.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Like melissag, I loved that line about 'last time I checked...'
That was freakin' awesome.
My H does that too, where he will talk to me through our S! He will look at S and then say what he wants to say to me. I'm like, I'm right here dorcas... So weird. Must be the guilt thing coming over them...only for an instant, I'm sure.
I'm so proud of how you set your boundaries and you did it without an air of superiority, just what needed to be done. You have reclaimed some power back, good for you.
I'm taking notes on what you do!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
HA. Love your H's responses. It is like someone is forcing them to make these decisions and they refuse to take ownership.
I am not sure if it is good DBing or not either but I am not going to just sit there and say "Poor H, I feel so horrible for you. Let me bend over backwards to make sure all your dreams come true, while you are having an A, and forget about the rest of us." I have told him on several occasions that I understand if he feels like leaving is the correct decision for him. I have told him that I will give him space and have done just that. I told him that I dont want him to be unhappy. But he remains so selfish.
I am not sure if it is good DBing or not either but I am not going to just sit there and say "Poor H, I feel so horrible for you. Let me bend over backwards to make sure all your dreams come true, while you are having an A, and forget about the rest of us." I have told him on several occasions that I understand if he feels like leaving is the correct decision for him. I have told him that I will give him space and have done just that. I told him that I dont want him to be unhappy. But he remains so selfish.
I totally agree with you, 3. I think you do need to have boundaries, and if your H is so delusional that he finds them unreasonable, that's no reason for you to not have them. I think what you did was perfect. You set a boundary and you moved on. I think you are 100% correct that he is feeling desperate right now because he sees his ridiculous fantasy coming unraveled, and he's not longer in the driver's seat. Hopefully it will occur to him that he really needs to make some choices and live with the consequences, and will start to look a little more at himself. (I know it doesn't seem like it now, given that is still blaming you, but I'm not sure how long he can continue to be this delusional.)
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I still need to talk with my DB coach and work on an email setting out the boundaries to send to H. I know that I cant do it in person because he will try to influence my decision and make me second guess myself. I feel stronger internally, but I know that it going to be really tough to set the limitations and dig my heals in because H is not going to like it. I hate to do it because I loved last night, I love being a family. BOO.
