nothin remarkable to report. i'm so impressed by takes vows talk - her sitch is so like mine in some important ways. i feel sooooooo exactly like her- even blubbered in the food store. it's the tiny things that get ya going.
i don't want to give in to the hate for h & this ow who is an x-friend. do sometimes - shove it back down.
have never been able to get crying about this (or sister's death five years ago) - maybe sooooo always in "stand & fight" mode- no time to just fall apart. when sis died my mom's brain took a big nose dive(very scary) - her stinkin life & problems have taken precedence forever it seems. (like since 1969 when dad died & mom "unraveled" a bit - then h and his quit smoking thing (and this mlc- which i didn't even see for what it was/is) same deal- always someone elses problems using up alllllllll one's juice to deal with. be strong - plod thryu.
feel like a big old horse - the ones lugging the brewery wagon - just keep movin ahead- forever....
who knows, maybe just blubbering - and getting ABLE to do it now or then is a good thing. maybe somehow i can get it out, cry & feel rotten - and it will pass by????? fingers crossed.
anyway- it's kind of new so i'm hopeful it's something positive.
i'm soooo ffeelin what dawn is- wanna move on big time- admit i'm either "stuck" or "being a rock" - who can make that call? idk- one day seems like one thing, another , the other. still too hurt by this all - surprisingly so, but getting used to shoving it back down. i think we have to , to go about our lives with some pma - hope it's not all just bubbling around inside (in a bad wayt) and someday - geiser central... i honestly hope chatting here releases the pressure so i don't even get nuts or mlc or something drastic.
oh wait - okay- TRUST THE PROCESS rite? i guess if everyone out there is shoving it down and moving onward even despite it all - i can too.
it's sure an uphill thing- this "bein a man" about mlc.
i'm outta here- i am amazed every single day when i read people's threads about how similar alllllll of our sitches are - how similar our feelings, - how it can give me a bit more backbone today to know about allllll the people out there doing this same thing - and still tryin - still standing - feeling EXACTLY what i feel- surviving anyway-
okay0- i'm no wah wah baby. here for another day at least- if you guys can alllll do this, so can i...
Nero - this is just my 2 cents but I do think that the older MLCer is more complicated in many cases. I am happy for TVS' situation and her courage in having the talk, but I am clear that my xh would choose OW (either one!) over me any time.
It is a talk you only have imho, if you at least have an inkling that it might go well!
If you think about it, the older MLCer has been holding it together for longer, and very likely, it is going to take longer to resolve those issues.
We are deeply a part of who they are, but that is what they are rejecting.
It is very very tough, and some of them work through it and some don't. Your MLCer seems fond of you still which I see as positive. He says affirming things. I haven't had a kind word form my xh in over 8 years. And I do not think I was really that bad as a wife!
It is draining and not very life affirming at any age, but when you are older it can really whack the self esteem.
I don't think your sitch is hopeless at all, but I do think you need to really try and detach as much as you can. Hard, but a life saver in the end.
i'm soooo ffeelin what dawn is- wanna move on big time- admit i'm either "stuck" or "being a rock" - who can make that call? idk- one day seems like one thing, another , the other. still too hurt by this all - surprisingly so, but getting used to shoving it back down. i think we have to , to go about our lives with some pma - hope it's not all just bubbling around inside (in a bad wayt) and someday - geiser central... i honestly hope chatting here releases the pressure so i don't even get nuts or mlc or something drastic.
Nero, what's going on? You ok? You don't sound ok today.
Is there someone you could meet up with today for coffee and a chat?
What about counseling. I can't remember if you seeing a counselor? Maybe that would help you get unstuck.
This is powerful stuff. Herculean stuff that impacts everything we know, believed about life. Our foundations are being rattled or shattered.
Pushing these feelings down is what got the MLC-er into this mess, and us with him.
You can do this. I know you can handle these feelings. Maybe it's time to let it gush a little. Or, a lot.
I allowed myself to really cry and blubber like a fool about a month ago and it gave me a new strength to move forward.
Maybe gather some tissues, play Barbra Streisand singing Memories and let it GOOOOOOOO.
We are all here for you. We love you Nero.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Hey Nero, I agree. I know you can do this. But you shouldnt shove it all down. I know dealing with an MLCer and all my family stuff and me and my son's health, etc., I had to let it all out from time to time. Otherwise I would have gone nuts.
Cry when you want, punch a pillow when you're angry. Whatever you decide. But let it out, then let it wash over you.
i'm soooo ffeelin what dawn is- wanna move on big time- admit i'm either "stuck" or "being a rock" - who can make that call? idk- one day seems like one thing, another , the other. still too hurt by this all.
Me too. I was actually wanting to stand for my marriage and I think that in time I could have forgiven her but......she got married and did it rather quickly. I really had no choice, but to try to move on. Her marriage made the choice for me I guess...
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
thanks fornote. i know, detachment - oh yoooo hoooo - where are youuuuuuu.....
if only i could totally feel detached and not care. best i can achieve is to keep busy which keeps me thinking about other stuff - not my life. i think if i could be TOTALLY detached - i could probably walk away and be done with it all. wouldn't you think? i mean- if i just do not care- i don't get why i'd be here still in his life.
idk- i do get off the ttrail and mixed up here about this stuff alot of the time. as usual- i keep thinking it';s one thing or anotehr. i shouldn't be standing if i can't forgive and love- yet i'm not sure. i shouldn't be leaving if i care enough to be enduring this crappola - it's hard and it's bad on the nerves & body even. just bad bad bad.
i do not know-mostly, i'd say, what the heck i'm doing here. i agree tyhat having been part of each other's lives for practically my whole adult life- has made it seem soooo "not right" to end it all. idk tho, perhaps he has just morphed into a real lying pos and rthere's no goin back that's my fear- that i'm not seeing what is there in front of me.
i mean, if i could be soo blind for sooo long- and still find myself wanting to find a reason, make an excues - a justification- BUT THERE ISN'T ONE. NOT REALLY- it's facing the truth of him that's such a drag.
i wonder really what the heck the "fond" thing is. i don't want to just be buddies. i would think i could be a great companion and life/compaion for someone. i hate to think i will just "setle" for this- a stinking tiny morsel of a life - with someone one week out of four- it's a very very poor deal- don't ya think/??
im just tired and bummed out lately. last few days - when i even think of seeing him i'm angry that i'm just an f'ing afterthought to his life. i just can'tput a good face on his behavior adn treatment of me. i know it could be tons worse, he could chuck meout the door and i'd be strugglin to make ends meet-
on the other hand- what an arrogant $hit- relegating me to this stinking bit of his life. i'm not liking it- not a darn thing to be done tho, is there?? if ya db- then all i have got going for me is to stfu- act as if, have some pma dna gal and all that goop. it's soooounsatisfying after all this time-
i just want SOMETHING BIG. - SOMETHING DEFINITIVE - SOMETHING.....I AM sooooo tired of making myself satisfied with crumbs & being second,third, fourth stinkin fidle -
oh well huh????? frustrated rantings- idk about the shoving it down stuff. one has to? don't we??? i mean- what do you call it when you'd like to scream at the top of yuour lungs at someone stupid & dense & dumping on your head - NAD THEN YOU DON'T. YOU JUST MAINTAIN YOUR COOL AND WALK AWAY OR ACT AS IF- BUT WHERE DOES IT GO? IN ANYONE-??? I'M SAYIN - we shove it away - down, whatever. mere words..... we juist don't go there. that is the "deal" with this whole stinkin mess - if we're tryin to stand or db-
soooo- just gave myself a huge hot flash- sheesh...
too much "involvement" & emotion running around in there.
i wish i could be all cold and detached and contained and so on - and really really BE IT.
Sweet Nero, you are so worth more than crumbs and being second fiddle. Your right! But, only you can make yourself more important than him or his crises. He's not going to do it for you!
Your right also, you need more than STFU, and GAL, you need to come to terms with some things as they are "right now" and see what that looks like from a calm, steady point of view. Understand, that there is no change to count on or hope for tomorrow, this is and will continue to be a slow process.
You are so like me. This hurt cuts so deep. It's is unbelieveable to me how this has become the disappointment of my life. I'm sure worse things have happened, but this is going to take fall for everything.
Why? Because they were suppose to be the one thing, the one person we purposefully put into our lives to love us, to give love , and to be secure with. We don't chose our parents, or siblings. We do chose our mate, and damn it, that decision cannot come back to bite us in the as$.
I read this on FB today from MWD...I wanted to share it with you.
"Letting go of hurt, disappointment, unrealistic expectations is one of the hardest things to do in a relationship. Yet, one of the most important actions as well. Letting go frees you of the shackles of the past. Having realistic expectations leads to happiness rather than disappointment".
I'm right there with ya sister. But we have to move forward. It won't mean you don't love him, or want him, or hate him more or less than you already do. It's for you. I am doing, and it is a struggle, but I just keep telling Linda, today I am being awesome!
Be awesome with me Nero! ooooooxxxxxxx dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Hi Nero. I have been thinking of you a lot. I am so sorry you are feeling so down.
You know, detaching doesnt mean you dont care. Letting go doesnt either.
It means that you accept what is. It means that you allow him to walk his journey.
But it doesnt mean that you stuff things down, my friend. It doesnt mean that you have to feel badly about yourself.
And there isnt any wrong with you saying something to him either, Nero. It may be time for you to do something different. Because this is causing you a lot of pain.
You are an amazing person. You are warm and funny and caring and loving.
And I dont want to see this make you not see that.
This is his journey. But it is yours, too.
You may want him, but, you dont need him. It is possible to have a fulfilling life, Nero.
But if you choose to continue to stand, please dont let it break you. Dont let it take away your wonderful spirit.
Find things to fill you up.
Think about doing something different, here, Nero.
Ah Nero, you're right. You are, like Dawn says, awesome. Loving, loyal, kind, giving, introspective. A wonderful life companion.
I guess that's the problem we all have in common, huh? To assume that we are the chosen, the beloved, the life companion, and that in our 60s it would just keep getting sweeter. Time for the fulfillment of all of those dreams of a lifetime. A lot of it is sex, such a killer to think of my H in the arms of that hideous grasping whore (so I try NOT to think of it ) but it's mostly the need to STFU that hurts day to day.
Don't you long for a free and loving relationship with you life companion again? The freedom to be able to say I love you, demand a cuddle, send a funny or loving text.
Maybe Bea has something here "If you think about it, the older MLCer has been holding it together for longer, and very likely, it is going to take longer to resolve those issues."
I agree, you H IS fond of you. Fondness is not enough for any of us, but it's better than the constant spew so many Standers like Bea and WhiteRose have to endure. No one makes him fly up to see you every month. He does that because he loves you Nero.
Or poir Tad here, his W quickly remarried. I say Standing is not over until they remarry, but the fact that it's over doesn't help his poor battered heart recover any faster.
I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I think a lot of it is apprehension over the fact that he's arriving today. Just be your normal, loving, fabulous self.
Trust the process Nero. It's all we have. You can do it! Report in when you can, and have a wonderful visit!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
thanks for notes- it does stress me out - the anticipation is worse than the realization alot of the time.
reading an interesting book- very philosophical about happiness and what the heck it is or brings it. "'
had an interesting quote about the living in the minute thing- i do see that it's all we have. the guy ends p saying whenever he's stressed or "going down that road" he just reminds himself to back up- everything is fine this minute- nothing bad happening.
gonna work harder to remember that. i do not want to even get wrapped back up in the worry thing. it sure does suck the life out of one's day- and doesn't actually do a darn thing. we really only do have the rite now. funny that at this most precarious point in my whole life i should feel more like i just don't care - than ever before. when i should probably worry and care more- i have nothing left much for that. it's interesting to note- who woulda thunk?
anyway- h is being nice- have had a few laughs and pleasant moments that feel like old times. now, if only ow & mlc & everything else were allllllll gone. yeah rite.
no real expectations tho i find, and that's me being honest. it's okay- to feel "neutral". it's better than hostile. it's all i can muster. i'm not all warm and fuzzy about him- wish i felt "attracted". mentally i am not all "in love" with him- and do not desire him. sorry to report-
i don't think i'm gonna be a grudge holder til i die- buti do think allllll the bad bad years (feel more like a million than a few) have left a mark. i'm more needing to "hold back" with him.
jyust cannot make believe i'm allllll "ga ga in love". i think he needs to show me who he is now - really- and i'll see if i love that guy.
he sure is rite (a few years badk he said will neverbe like what we had" - sadly p- he's rite. he f'd that llllll up all by his little ole self.
idk what it can be now-a-days - or if it can be anything at all. we've got "something" tying us- but i'm not so sure anymore what - - i'm waiting to see what's going on here.
) but it's mostly the need to STFU that hurts day to day.