[SemperFi00]

OK – foolishly it’s been awhile since I posted here. Have continued to lurk and read other’s stories which has been helpful and nothing much has changed in my situation but I think it will be helpful to try and get back to posting……

I guess there has been one new development (which I think is part of the script but not sure – would love to hear from some of the more experienced vets). Quick synopsis of my situation – this part of the story began 2.5 – 3 years ago with first B-date. There have been a couple of other B-dates since then but then things seem to find a stabilization point for awhile.

This past Tues morning in conversation w/W for the first time she made the statement that she “was not sure that I have ever really been in love with you.” Devastating to hear even though I realize that this is often part of the script…… We talked for a bit and she shared that she wasn’t sure that leaving was going to make her feel “happy” and “have the ability to smile again” but that she was willing to take the risk anyway. W has said before that she no longer has loving / marriage feelings but this new statement may indicate something different. Any sense for what this means in terms of where she is at in her journey? Why does this statement hurt again given the other things she has already said?

I didn’t argue with her about it but did stupidly tell her that I wanted her to be happy also and that I hoped at some point that she could see a different way to approach things. For those that have kept up with my story (bless you for that) she has continued to be unwilling to do anything else or investigate any other things that could potentially be contributing factors.

Thanks for any insight or thoughts…………

[labug]

I thought about posting to you this week to say Hey, let us know what's up.

I was hoping for more positive but news we live the life that's in front of us.

As I look back on my married life with my H, I haven't always been "in love" with him, I haven't always been happy in the marriage. There were periods of time when everything he did irritated me.

When we are chronically unhappy or depressed, I don't know that your W is depressed is but it seems a real possibility, we tend to only recall those negative memories. We also buy into the myth that we should be happy all the time and if we aren't there's something wrong. We usually look to blame that on others. Until she's willing to look inward, she's not going to find the root of her unhappiness.

But you can't do anything about that.

What do you want to do at this point?

[SemperFi00]

I thought about posting to you this week to say Hey, let us know what's up.

I was hoping for more positive but news we live the life that's in front of us.

Thanks for the kind welcome back to the board. Guess the cosmos was speaking to me through you and that’s why I chose now to come back and post again….

As I look back on my married life with my H, I haven't always been "in love" with him, I haven't always been happy in the marriage. There were periods of time when everything he did irritated me.

When we are chronically unhappy or depressed, I don't know that your W is depressed is but it seems a real possibility, we tend to only recall those negative memories. We also buy into the myth that we should be happy all the time and if we aren't there's something wrong. We usually look to blame that on others. Until she's willing to look inward, she's not going to find the root of her unhappiness.

Makes complete sense to me that level of love/satisfaction varies throughout any long-term R. That’s why love is a choice and takes work and effort. W’s other comment during the most recent conversation was that she has finally found her voice and can now stand up for herself – in her current thinking that’s why she wants to leave so that she can be true to who she really believes herself to be. I think that right now she would say that she has looked inward for the first time and all this is a result of that. Personally, I think it sounds very selfish and that there is much more left to be explored - and yes I know that sounds judgmental but that is where I am at currently. I really do want her to be happy but am really struggling with the impact that this will have on the boys.

But you are right – nothing I can do about that until (or if) she is ever ready and open so on to

But you can't do anything about that.

What do you want to do at this point?

I want to be the best father than I can be and as much as possible spare my kids the pain that I think this could introduce to them. In addition I would really like to understand why I continue to feel guilty and beat myself up about a choice W is making and why I keep looking for alternate solutions…….. Intellectually I understand now that I will be ok (at some point) but cannot always seem to keep my feelings/emotions in synch with that understanding.

In addition, I want to be in a loving caring R with someone and to be able to share life experiences. Ideally at this points still with W but that seems to be waning……

Labug (and others), thanks for your continued interest and comments. The support and advice is invaluable - and much appreciated.....

[SemperFi00]

Just catching up with getting this new thread started. Adding links to previous threads for background and continuity....

1st thread - Trying to Save

2nd thread - Still Trying to Save (now including myself)

3rd thread - Still Trying to Save (..not broken, just bent..)

[labug]

Makes complete sense to me that level of love/satisfaction varies throughout any long-term R. That’s why love is a choice and takes work and effort. W’s other comment during the most recent conversation was that she has finally found her voice and can now stand up for herself – in her current thinking that’s why she wants to leave so that she can be true to who she really believes herself to be. I think that right now she would say that she has looked inward for the first time and all this is a result of that. Personally, I think it sounds very selfish and that there is much more left to be explored - and yes I know that sounds judgmental but that is where I am at currently. I really do want her to be happy but am really struggling with the impact that this will have on the boys.

When the needs of 2 people don't coincide, it does feel selfish when on decides to attempt to meet their needs.

Is she making plans to move on?

Do you have an IC? It sounds as if you have a need to figure out where that guilt is coming from.

[SemperFi00]

labug, thanks for the comments.

She says that she is making plans to move on (and has stated that in the past during this 2.5 - 3 year adventure). The two new things in the most recent discussion were that her next step after adopting our nephew was to file for D and that she is not sure she has ever really been in love - and if she ever was she does not know when that feeling changed.

Went to an IC for quite awhile and the place we got to was that loyalty, commitment, family and faith were important to who I am as a person (all great traits - both he and I agreed on that). That's why this is so painful for me. And the fact that what was role modeled for me was staying together and working thru problems - not giving up and leaving w/o trying everything, particularly when others are involved and will be impacted. Sort of a "serve the greater good concept".......

At the end it seemed to come down to accept that others can/will make choices that impact me and the kids that I don't agree with. The key is figuring out how to deal with that and understand that I cannot be responsible for everything.

My sense is that is what helped a great deal in getting me to mentally process things but doesn't always work in keeping the feelings and the heart lined up.

Hopefully that makes sense.........

[SemperFi00]

Not too much new,

W was at sister's for the weekend. Had a good low key wind with boys. Didn't do too much- one had friend over, a little yard work, went to mass and grabbed lunch afterwards. Enjoyable but low key. Interesting though now, can feel a little stress building up as it gets closer to her coming back home.

Sad, used to very much miss her and look forward to her coming back. Wonder if this feelings are to be expected?????

[SemperFi00]

Happy Veteran's Day to all who served!

[SemperFi00]

Couple of random thoughts this morning……..

W came back from weekend @ sister’s house. Nothing much changed – @ one point asked her if she had fun and she grimaced and started to say something but then seemed to catch herself and said that they had a good time. I believe that she was going to say something about it not being about having fun…… Sister invited her down to help “clean her closet/basement” because her H was going to be out of town….. Not sure what to read into that so just trying to let it go……..

Football season is over now so I have more time to “think/reflect” on things…… Not sure that’s a completely good thing though????

S15 has begun to volunteer at assisted living home a couple times a week for a few hours each time through a club at school – talking to the folks there and playing in Wii tournaments with them - very proud of him for that and have made sure that he knows that!

Lady stopped the boys and I after Mass this weekend and said thanks for helping her to have a positive experience at church – not sure what the specifics were but felt good that something we did seemed to help her. And that she took the time to say something about it….. Don't remember her specific words but something about helping her to see Jesus at work - or something like that.....

Also couple of wknds ago went out with a group of guys on my birthday to a local establishment and learned how to play darts – Cricket specifically….. Lots of fun – amazing that it took me this long to figure that out…..

Well, I knew they were a bunch of random thoughts. Journaling here to get them out of my head so I can get on with work……

Still an odd feeling about situation with W. Like I am more ready for her to move on and for me to move even more forward…….. Not sure that I like it – and not sure what to do with it???? And trying to understand if this just part of the process???

[labug]

SF, Happy 238th Birthday!

I think that taking time, GALing and self work helps to get our emotions in check and allows us to recover from the shock and awe of BD. As we adapt to life as a "single" person we can see that it's not so bad and as we gain confidence we become more comfortable with life in the territory outside of married couple.

Your W may be done or she may only think she's done, who knows. Most likely she doesn't either because she's still there. The important question is, are you done? You have the power here. Sometimes it's hard to feel that, but you do.

Yes, H and I are working at being together more but I truly don't know what that will look like. I was happy with my life, really, and adding someone into the mix fulltime gives me a bit of concern. But I'm just taking it a day at a time.

I think you're detaching and it may feel weird, almost disloyal. Don't make a job of staying married, make a job of living life and see what happens.

Sounds like your sons are fine young men.