It has been over a month since I started coming here. My first goal was to stop pleading, begging and crying and to simply pick myself off the floor and start moving forward. My reward to myself, if I could make this change for 30 days, was a trip to the spa for a relaxing massage.
Yesterday, I had my massage. It was the best one that I ever had, not only because it really was awesome, but because I earned every bit of it this past month. I spent my quiet time thinking back over the past few weeks. I only had one major backslide. But even that backslide showed me that things were different. Instead of H running away at the sight of my tears or getting very angry/mean, he stayed, we talked, he even cried and opened up. H is still very confused, but he is not filled with anger and resentment. I listened and validated. I did not yell or attack his character. We have stopped the horrible cycle that we were in for the past couple of years.
I thought about the next 30 days of this very long journey. It is now time for me to really start the difficult DB. I need to get off H's roller coaster. H may be confused, but I am not confused about what I want with my life and who I want to be. I have been so scared to let go, but I know that clinging to our old marriage and H will not get us anywhere.
During our conversation last week, H talked a lot about his IC. I can tell that he spends the majority of his time with his IC discussing me and my journey. I know that until H starts to focus on himself and really ask himself what he wants, he is going to remain confused and unable to make a decision. He will stay on the fence.
So I really need to take the next step in this journey. Although I would like to convince myself otherwise, I have not detached and have been clinging to the hope that H would come running back. It is just not going to happen, especially if I dont let go.
I am talking with my DB Coach today and cant wait to come up with a new list of goals. I am excited to see where I could be in thirty more days
3, I love your post today! I'm glad you enjoyed your massage! DBing really can/does make a difference, doesn't it? I am several months behind you in this journey, but in the same place where I am still clinging to hope that he will come running back. How does one willingly detach? Does it just happen on its own as you GAL? Or do you actually have to try?
I don't know who your coach is, but mine is awesome with coming up with a short term plan. It sure does help to have the next few weeks laid out for me. I like your idea of rewarding yourself at the end of 30 days. I'm not sure what the reward would be, though. A massage sounds great, but right now I think I'd either end up crying or sleeping through it.
Did you go back and read your post? You are doing great!!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I had a good coaching session yesterday. It is so nice to be able to talk with someone over the phone. I really wish that I could find a local IC that really understood DBing.
I have been struggling with how accommodating/available I should be with H and with him coming over to the house. I have been GALing, so it was not about him thinking that I am sitting at home waiting for him, but more about him getting to live both lives (A and family). The past two days, H called on his way home. H asked what we were doing. I gave a quick run down about the kids. H kept talking in circles, but I knew that he wanted me to ask him to join us. It was so obvious but I did not ask. After 5 minutes both times, he finally asked to come over for dinner and to stay until the kids went to bed.
My DB coach said that it was good for H to hear himself asks these questions and realize that maybe he does want to be part of our family life (which includes me). She said not to cancel plans that we have already made, but if I feel comfortable, to let him ask and then let him come and enjoy a stress free evening. It was nice to have positive feedback and suggestions from my coach.
I am starting to feel less of an urge to want to know information about H's activities (I will ask about work stuff, but not about going out info, etc) and less of an urge to stalk his FB page. I am sure this urge will go up and down, but it is nice to feel it come down a little for the first time in a year.
3, I would say what you are doing is working. Talk only about the kids and make your plans without H in mind. Then if he wants to go he can, but let him ask. I think it's good for him to miss you all!
Agreed, it is so nice to not think constantly about where they are, what they are doing. Yes, it comes in waves but seems to get easier. Keep doin' what you're doin', I say!
From what I observe it really seems to be working for you.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
I am in desperate need of advice. Any advice and 2x4s welcome.
Quick update: I had a conversation with H tonight about the holidays that led to a convo about marriage. I should not have let it go there but I did. It was bad. I tried to validate and stay strong but I broke down. For the first time I truly truly understand that H is done. He is gone and feels nothing for me. OW taught him that he needed something different in his life. He has not grown at all. H said he wants the best if both worlds. He wants time with the kids and family time with kids and me and wants to be single and continue his A. His says that our family time is the only thing he and I have left. Without it we will have nothing. H thinks that if we get divorced, we will still have family nights and he will just tell his new girlfriend or wife that she has to be OK with that.
Help: Should I change our current arrangements? I feel like H is cake eating and I am allowing is out of fear and desperation to save the M. The kids sleep at my house every night. H takes the kids on Wednesdays and Fridays alone. We hang out as a family on the weekends and have dinner together at least once on the weekend. During the work week, H will also come in the mornings 3 times a week to watch the kids while I work and will eat dinner two nights and we put the kids to bed together. H will take showers at the house, lay in our bed, and still act like it is his house. He will ask me to pick up things for him at the store if I am going. I am a people pleaser so I have a hard time saying no. Especially because it makes me feel needed by him.
I feel like I have two options:
1. Change the arrangments so that we are really separated. Have a set time with the kids. H cannot use our house like he still lives here. Have limited family time. This will allow me to detach much more easily. It will give a more realistic view of what life after divorce would look like. But it would give us limited time together to build communication. It will also make H angry because he would no longer get the best of both worlds.
2: leave things the same. H would continue to get the best of both worlds. We would get time together to work on communication. It will be much harder to try and detach. I will have to work extra hard on dealing with my feelings of bring a doormat.
Or is there some other option that I can't see? Please help me. I feel like we are at a big crossroad and I don't know what to do.
Hi 3, yes, I can see how this feels like a big crossroad . . . but it might not be. You should listen to the vets who I am sure will give you great advice, but I'll throw in my two cents anyway.
What do YOU want to do? Are you done? Or do you want to keep DBing? I had a situation that I thought was a big turning point but after talking with my DB coach, I realized it wasn't - it was just another part of the WAS script and a chance for me to keep up my DBing. You have to do what you feel is right. And, don't forget that you don't have to decide right this minute what to do. My theory on DBing is that I'll keep it up unless and until the point where I feel like it's hurting me too much and I don't feel right about it anymore. It's a decision that is different for each person.
I'm sorry you had such a crappy conversation . . . but you are strong and will get through this no matter how things pan out. Hang in there, 3!!!
P.S. No woman with any shred of self esteem is going to date or marry your H when he is at your house 5 times a week, whether you are D or not. Your H is delusional if he thinks that's actually going to happen.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Go with the first one! – for your own sake and for the chance of R.
He is cake-eating BIG time and you let him. He is having the best from two worlds – why would he want to change that?
Be kind but firm and tell him that it doesn’t work like this. Tell him that you want to work the M but as long as he is having OW you can’t do this. Toughen up but be kind and gentle when you tell him. Tell him you can still have a familydinner once in a while for the sake of the boys, that he is always welcome to call them or have them over but that playing family doesn’t work unless you are a family. Make the arrangement so you do NOT have to see him but that you can choose to see him.
3BM – you properly know the drill from reading other sits – take care of you by letting him taking care of him. Stop the cake-eating!
Prepare for him to get angry but do stand your ground if this happens. Talk to him kindly and soft when you tell him. Stick to few words and argue from your feeling. If he ask why then don’t argue – just say “Because thats what I feel will be best for the boys and me!”
Just my 2c – hopefully the VETs will join in.
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Mel and F - Thank you so much for your advice. Just to be clear, I do still want to continue to DB. I am in this journey for the long haul. I will continue DBing because I KNOW that DBing is about changing myself and that it is the only thing that has helped me climb back out of the hole that I sank into after BD.
My H does appear to be delusional. His IC told him straight up that he had lost his mind and that neither myself or another woman would agree to a situation where he continues to be part of our family and a new family in the way that he is picturing. H said that his IC calls him a "boy child." He is living in a fantasy land that I no longer want to be apart of.
I want to be firm, yet kind and understanding. H has always walked all over me, so this will be a big 180 for me.
I would appreciate all the advice I can get!! Thanks
