Thanks Mach. This ripped my heart out, and will help us all stand another month, another year. It's the choice my first MC gave me 4 years ago. He said someday my H will wake up and realize the pain and destruction he has caused, and will become the best husband that he can. It's my choice whether to stand and have him be my excellent husband, or give up and have him be OW's excellent husband. Thank you.
PS I guess men know how best to help other men, but still think it was harsh
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
My MLCer has not woken up, but see's some things clear, while seeing other things extremely only through pain and anger.
I don't think I have been DBing as much as I have been trying to run as far away as I can, even if that means by trying to push him far away.
Is it normal for him to say, He want's to be wrong, he want's to be the slug, he want's to be hated by me?
How do we know when it's standing or just being stuck?
I will admit I am still being lead by pride, my anger and guts to want to end it is all is led by pride. When he insists on being friends w/POS is when I am chucking the whole M out of my mouth.
Thanks for posting this. It helps.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
wow- interesting look at mlc from other side. i wonder if my h could ever bring himself to fess up and acknowledge his "part".
idk- it was such the habit of a lifetime trusting & respecting him. it's become such a sad little ratty habit now to cover up and stay "detached" as i can get- not having any assumptions or displaying any overt affection, etc.
when whoever was saying in mach's post that they had actually just forgotten any good stuff about the m - i can absolutely believe it. i could see h when he talked and he believed what he was saying - and i'm sure in his head it sounded really logical. im sure to anyone hemay have "explained" to - it sounded/sounds? perfectly logical... it was just nutty to me, who else would know the truth but me???
he's toned down alot- the past three-two-five years have been worst of my life- i guess we'll see where it all ends up. .
anyway- yeah linda- you're rite. another day-week, month- i guess we can do it til we fall over... wierd to hear such a "voice" from beyond the great divide..
The poster who wrote the words that are making you guys see the other side a little bit is AmyC.
Her posts are in the archives. They are also in the prayer circle forum.
All you would have to do is search her name.
Or spend some time in the archives making an effort to really learn about what you are dealing with.
Personally, I spent about 6 months there, not posting at all and barely reading the current situations at the time.
They helped me find empathy and compassion. They gave me a very good education regarding MLC, depression, and anger. They taught me how to define for me unconditional love, forgivness, and faith. They taught me so many more things than I can even begin to describe. And they were my savior in the darkest of times.
When I say They, I mean the people. Their stories, happy and sad. Anger and frustration. Tears and laughter. The posters, Butterflymom, Snodderly (now Job), Jack3beans, AmyC, Imlin, and too many others to name.
It's part of the work. Just do it.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
This passage has given me so much comfort since I read it about 6 months ago. The "brilliant BS" helped. Convincing everyone about the sourness of the marriage--(my inlaws have bought into it completely).
To hear it from the other side and hear how they put such a spin on a lifetime of memories. I think it may be the posting that has given me the most comfort in the darkest times.
I think it speaks to me the most because when you are in the thick of it--the bottom of the cesspool--when the MLC-er/spouse you have loved, trusted etc...when that person is lost in an infatuation with someone else and looks at you with venom, I can't imagine a torture more painful. I think I'd rather have bamboo shove under my fingernails(well, maybe not) but, you know what I mean.
It's those moments when the MLC-er BELIEVES YOU ARE THE SOURCE OF ALL HIS/HER PROBLEMS AND IS IN THE ARMS OF SOMEONE ELSE--that's when these words comfort me and help me remember the truth. And, help me see the value of that truth.
We hold the truth of all these years. The LBS-er holds the truth--we have been given this responsibility to our kids and ourselves and even our spouses to hold what really happened in our marriage/lives in some special place. Especially the kids.
As a child of divorce, we weren't allowed to talk about our former lives before my dad's affairs and his leaving. Don't do that! Talk about the good times. That is family history that your kids need. Talk about good memories and even bad. It's all part of the weaving that is your family. And, I think this passage by Amy brilliantly conveys the importance of this job.
Quote:
In my case, through the initial period of deep MLC which manifested outwardly between March '02 & March '04, I'd spun such brilliant BS that everyone thought I was right to want a separation/divorce. In March '04, my husband left for the second time. I'd gotten rid of om before that but was still trying to live it up. I was crashing hard and fairly regularly. I still managed for another year to outrun reality though it did creep in occasionally. My husband stopped fighting for me when he left the second time. That was the biggest jolt. It was good to have that pressure off for awhile though. By summer 2005, I was coming apart at the seams. Completely. I'd exhausted myself with the things of the world that had enticed me, I was looking at families and missing my own. For the first time, I started to see that there had been good times. I had REALLY forgotten them. There are still times as recently as a week ago that I'll remember something and mention it to my husband and he'll look at me as if to say "did you JUST remember/realize that?" and if I were to answer, I'd say yes. MLC stole a big chunk of the good things about my marriage. It seems I get them back a little at a time. But I FORGOT. I did not see us as my husband saw us. So you (husbands of MLC wives) really are holding something precious that no one else has; you're holding the real truth about your lives together. You're the only one that's going to understand her when she comes back. You're all that's going to be familiar and if you're not there...
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I was talking to a dear friend of mine (yea, dont let that go to your head - LOL) We go way back on here.
Anyway, we were talking about the old days. How this forum used to be.
When I first came here 6 years ago, I was blessed to have started here with some extraordinary people.
As I've said before, I came kicking and screaming into db. And so, I got my as$ kicked daily. And I thank God I did.
Because the thing of it is, that I was not a victim. And I didnt want to be treated as one. I wanted to learn everything I could. I wanted to grow. I wanted to change.
Yes, I have had some really tough stuff happen throughout my life. Really tough. But, that is life.
So, they told me that I needed to look inside. I needed to let go, I needed to leave my h to walk his journey and I needed to do the work.
At first I thought, yea, right, easy for you to say. And I fought against it.
But they wouldnt let me. They pushed me and challenged me. They wouldnt let me feel sorry for myself. They were tough.
And I am forever grateful.
So, yes this is hard. This succks. It hurts. But you are not a victim. You get to choose how you do it. You get to dig in and figure out the tough stuff.
And sometimes it gets really raw. Sometimes it can bring you to your knees.
But there is no strength without struggle.
Take the tougher road. Dig in a deep as you can.
Dont take it personally when you are asked to do that.
