gathered some old posts.....hope they help

[uRworthy]

I have seen that we have some new folks here. I wanted to say sorry you are here, but, you have landed among some very special people.

I know the pain in the beginning. It is hard to breathe at times. Hard to concentrate, hard to get your mind around what has happened.

I want you to know it will not always feel like this. You will feel strong again, whole again, happy again. You will.

It will help if you do a few things. One of the best things you can do is to accept that this is happening. You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to understand it right now. But, the sooner you can just accept that this is your life at this moment, the sooner you can begin to heal.

If you fight against it, if you wish it wasn’t, you stay stuck. You cannot move forward holding onto all of that. That is just wasted energy. Energy better spent on you.

You must learn to forgive yourself. The way to do that is to remember that whatever you did or didn’t do in your marriage was never with the intent to cause harm to it or your spouse. You did the best you could at the time.

I know that you are going round and round in your head, thinking, if I just did this, if I just said that. You have to try to really believe that this crisis was supposed to happen. There was absolutely nothing you could have done to stop it. You just don’t have that kind of power.

So, there are a couple of ways you can go here. You can stay with the mindset that you are a victim and that there isn’t anything you can do while this is happening. You can do nothing and let the chips fall where they may or you can take this journey.

You have power in this. You have control in your part of this. And the best way to navigate through it is to become your strongest self. The only real way to do this, is through it.

If you do that, a few things happen. You become who you were meant to be. You show your children what it is to be strong and to overcome what life throws at you. You see what you are made of.

Dbing is about saving you. And sometimes it saves marriages.

They were supposed to have this crisis. They are broken and need fixing. But, that’s their part. They need to figure out how to do that. You cant hurry it along. You cant do it for them.

The thing about this for you is, what are you going to do while they do that?

I know I felt as you did. I was angry and sad and distraught. I thought I would never make it through it. I did.

I had to decide who I wanted to see when I looked back at all this. And I knew I wanted to see someone I could be proud of. I wanted to see someone of courage and strength and honor.
I did the work. I looked within. I changed and I grew. It was so hard. But I am glad I chose me.

Choose you. You will never be sorry you did.

[Truegritter]

Hey there my old friend

[uRworthy]

Hiya True. You found me. You just brought the biggest smile to my face. How are you, sweetie? I so hope you are doing great! I think of you often and miss you.

[uRworthy]

True, so nice to hear your voice on here again.

[sayitaintso]

Great post Ms Worthy

[sayitaintso]

A Truegrit sighting???

What is up TG?

U were a major help/influence to me a while back. Thank you!!

[nero]

hey hi-

thanks for giving a darn. there you are- sayin hi and wondering what's up- it's much much more than most people in life... no kidding. you give alot of inspiration...

have a wonderful day

xxo

[Mach1]

I realize that I ruffled a few feathers here yesterday, and I am good with that.

I spoke of absolute truth in MLC, and what it meant.

The MLC forums have changed since I called this section home a few years ago....

And as I thought about it, I realized that the amount of powerful, insightful posts were different....

I want to share one in particular, that really helped me to see my path, and my role in understanding MLC...

I remember the feeling when I read this, the pain, the emptiness, the empathy , most of all ?

The hope that I gained when the light bulb came on.


God Bless you Doofus (Amy), and thank you for this once again...

; )







I think something else that should be pointed out is an MLCer MIGHT also pretty much stop talking to whomever they were closest to. They may get a whole new circle of friends. Or they might push everyone away.

I stopped talking to my sister, who has always been my best friend. But by the time that happened, I'd pushed my husband so far away he couldn't have known that was happening. We lived apart and I'd been out of touch with him for a long time except regarding the house or kids. There was ZERO communication with him unless I HAD to and I would go to great lengths to avoid that. I didn't like the man. I know now that what I really didn't like were the things he made me see about myself. We could have none of THAT! I should also note that when I stopped talking to my sister was when things were beginning to change INSIDE of me. I was getting the first inkling that my story (my rewriting of the marital history) wasn't going to hold water much longer. The cracks were starting to appear. That's when I stopped talking to EVERYBODY.

In my case, through the initial period of deep MLC which manifested outwardly between March '02 & March '04, I'd spun such brilliant BS that everyone thought I was right to want a separation/divorce. In March '04, my husband left for the second time. I'd gotten rid of om before that but was still trying to live it up. I was crashing hard and fairly regularly. I still managed for another year to outrun reality though it did creep in occasionally. My husband stopped fighting for me when he left the second time. That was the biggest jolt. It was good to have that pressure off for awhile though. By summer 2005, I was coming apart at the seams. Completely. I'd exhausted myself with the things of the world that had enticed me, I was looking at families and missing my own. For the first time, I started to see that there had been good times. I had REALLY forgotten them. There are still times as recently as a week ago that I'll remember something and mention it to my husband and he'll look at me as if to say "did you JUST remember/realize that?" and if I were to answer, I'd say yes. MLC stole a big chunk of the good things about my marriage. It seems I get them back a little at a time. But I FORGOT. I did not see us as my husband saw us.
So you (husbands of MLC wives) really are holding something precious that no one else has; you're holding the real truth about your lives together. You're the only one that's going to understand her when she comes back. You're all that's going to be familiar and if you're not there...

Anyway after a while, I started seeing how I had contributed to the bad times. By October 2005 I was completely broken and flat on my face in repentance. Thinking of it still makes me cry.

I was a mean MLCer.

I convinced myself and everyone around me that my husband was the biggest SOB that ever walked. I BELIEVED it. I twisted every argument we'd ever had but ESPECIALLY as he fought me THEN.
I had all my family in support of my efforts.

Eventually, and it took a long time, I convinced my husband we were really through.

He stood for over 2 years, though.
Alone.
Without a message board or a clue about MLC.
He just believed in me and in us.

It seemed when in order to save his own sanity he had to let go I started waking up.

You might think that's a shame.

But the rest of my story is still being written.


I don't know why I wrote all that.
There are some new people here I guess.
Trying to determine if there's hope.
Thinking there is hope if it's MLC.

To you I'll say this: If you don't humble yourself at this time, if you let pride make you bitter and vengeful, she will never feel able to ask your forgiveness. And THAT ALONE IS PARAMOUNT to her coming out of MLC a better and stronger person.

You see, the hardest thing for her will be forgiving herself and she can never do that unless she can come back and talk with you.
Love her or not, leave her or not, you've got to make yourself a person (because you are THE person) she can come to and apologize. This is when you're going to have your feet held to fire and you'll find out if your love is really unconditional.

While she's lost, you have work of your own to do.

This isn't just her journey.

You're also here for a reason.

------------------------------------------------------

Originally Posted By: Goinbatty
Amy, not only the new folks benefit, but some of us "old timers" do also. Perhaps my x will also "wake up", and I'll be better prepared in part thanks to your posts. On the other hand, perhaps she never will and that's why its important for folks to look after themselves and move along. For the new folks, yes, you can do both. Important to note, some few never do "wake up" and remain stuck.
Thanks again Amy.

-----------------------------------------------------

I am of the opinion that the reason for that is pride.
Especially in men.

The HARDEST thing for me was turning around and saying I'd been wrong. I had to also go to my mother, my sister, my aunt and worst of all, my Grandma, and tell them, try to make them understand, that I did not see things for what they truly were and that I bore a good sized chunk of the blame for the state of my marriage. See, if your spouse is an unchanging ass and you have an affair, you've justified yourself. I did. But if you find out your perception was flat-out WRONG, you just become an adulterer. It was hard to realize that's all I was. Lost though I may have been, I'd prayed for God to show me myself as HE saw me and THAT is just ONE thing He showed me about myself. Each visit, each phone call looming before me back then was another opportunity for me to just run. I came so close...
Facing my husband was the worst.
It was a long process.
That "talk" was actually more a series of talks.
But I could have cut and run at any time and I sure as hell wanted to MANY times. But when you find yourself face down in the carpet night after night for 2 weeks straight and all you can do is cry and say "help me" because you can ACTUALLY feel the pain you've caused the one who loved you the most in the world, you'll do whatever He requires and He required that I go to my husband. He required that I go to my family and set things right.

I think all MLCers wake up.

I just don't think they all "own up".

It is the single most difficult task I have ever undertaken in my life.


UR....

Thanks for the hijack ....(like you had a choice though)


: p

[Pudmuddle]

I needed to read that today. Thank you Mach.

[reachingHigher]

Thank you, Mach.

I had read part of that post from Amy last year during some of my darkest hours. And it gave me hope.

Looking at it from this side, after my H has come back home, and is mostly in acceptance, I can see that he had the same profile of emotions as did Amy.

Staying was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

And now...I needed the reminder today to forgive him and let his past go. Forgiveness isn't a one-time action. I think it's a verb...a state for mind. We keep forgiving.

Thanks again