I totally forgot to mention something that my H did. He has at our house when the kids and I left last night to go to an event. H must have stayed at the house for a while before he went out for the night because he cleaned the entire house. He even put away laundry. H has never ever put away laundry in the 15 years i have known him. I actually sent H an email in the middle of the night because I was so greatful and just wanted to let him know (I was not really good at thanking him before).
This is going to sound stupid but it made me happy ... h was cleaning the boys faces after lunch yesterday and was joking with them. He walked past me yo throw it out and grabbed my face and wiped my mouth while joking with the kids about mommy getting clean to. First time in a long time that he joked around with me. We were all laughing and just having fun. No drama.
I think you are seeing some very positives signs from you H. Asking who you were going out with and feeling comfortable enough clean the entire house! Those are big positives if you ask me.
He is starting to notice you living a life without him and he is pursuing you now. Take it slowly, there will be lots of push and pull like this.
You are doing so nicely and I feel like everything you post is exactly in my head too. Keep it up girl!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
We had a good day yesterday. H sent a text in the morning to say that he would watch the boys while I took S4 to a birthday party. He got to the house in the morning and wound up staying until after the kids went to sleep for the night. We had lunch as a family and watched some football. I ran some errands while he stayed with the kids. He did some work and watch a game by himself in the basement while I hung out with the kids upstairs. I would have really liked to hang out together, but I wanted to give him some space and not feel pressured. I just enjoyed the feeling of having him in our home. Neither of us asked about our night out the prior evening.
H previously said that he did not feel comfortable coming over to even watch tv for fear that I would want to talk about the M. I can see that my hard work over the past month is having an effect on him. He is softening a little and I can see him peaking out a tiny bit from behind the wall he built. He is still firmly behind the wall, but there is a tiny glimmer of hope that did not exist a few months ago.
H continued to joke around with me a little. We were cleaning the basement up after the kids went to bed and he was trying to hit me with one of the kids' balls. He used to do this all the time. He would wrestle, tickle me. It used to drive me crazy. I vividly remember him telling me that I would regret it if he stopped doing those things one day. And I totally regret it.
I am in the middle of reading the 5 Love Languages. I am pretty sure that H's love language is touch. And he used to express his love for me via touch. I never appreciated it because I know that my primary love language is not touch. Well, I can tell you that H can jokingly hit balls at me or tickle me and I will soak up every second. I am not sure how much to reciprocate, but I am just going to take it slow.
I know that his IC told him that he needed to start using some muscles that he has not used in a while to see if he loves me. He previously told me that he did not know if he even wanted to try or if he even knew how to find those old muscles. H was been so careful to not cross the line that he drew in the sand months ago. He has gone out of his way to make sure that he was not leading me on and that we only interacted in a very business like manner. But this feels different.
I am going to keep moving forward with my journey and hope that it continues to improve our relationship, whatever it may be.
Hi 3, it really does sound like he is softening to you. You have done well in your efforts to soften the environment.
Look for the glimmers, that's what I look for too. It's hard to give when to someone when they are not giving back, but to get love you must give love, not expect it. I really think you are doing well! Keep up the good vibes.
Thinking about you today, Pud
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Hey 3BM- I don't believe I've commented to you before or even read your whole thread but your name jumped out at me cause I have 3 boys as well.
From your last couple posts it seems like you have the majority of your focus on your H and how what he says or does affects you, both in a good and bad way.
As long as that is the case your going to feel like a puppet going back and forth depending on what your H does or doesn't do or what type of mood he is in or what type of sandwich he ate for lunch.
I've been there, detachment is quite difficult. Breaking co-dependency dynamics is also quite difficult.
Its a long road and a gradual process.
Its ok to enjoy the good times when he is around if you'd like and its also ok to grieve or be sad.
However, I think you need to be the one creating whatever emotions you would like to create instead of your H having so much influence over them.
Hi Sayitaintso - Thanks for stopping by my thread and for commenting. I definitely need to work more on detaching. I feel like a completely different person than I was a few months ago. I am no where close to being detached, but slowly getting there.
I have been focusing the majority of my attention on GAL - joined a new yoga class, started running, joined two new meet up groups (have gone to three events in the past couple weeks), planned weekend events w and w/o kids for the next two months. I had previously waited on my H to decide what to do each weekend before the S. No more waiting for me.
Thanks for the advice. It is nice to have a reminder that I need to stay focused on myself and forget about H's actions.
Need some advice! I know that H is never going to remove OW from his life. She is so involved in his business, which he lovs, that I don't ever see him removing her completely from his life even if he decided he wanted yo work on our marriage. The site of her or mention of her name makes me sick.
I don't want a divorce. But I don't want to be with a man that would keep ow in our lives despite the fact that he knows how much pain it causes me. Am I just wasting my time?
I know the answer is that this process is not about him it is about me. I have to detach and learn who I am and what I want to change. I have come so far in understanding my part in the demise of our marriage and feel like a completely different and happy person. I am having a hard time dealing with the A.
H is a low maintenance WAS so he is completely content sitting on the fence and enjoying both lives. I have seen so many positives in myself this past few months. I am ready to not have OW in my life and I don't know how yo do that unless I get a d. I hate that so many of us are in this switch.
Hmmm...I don't know if I have any great advice, so I thought I'd comment to see if any vets can respond.
But the other thing is you can never KNOW that he is not going to remove her from his life. He is just appearing content now. It's part of his fantasy life, even if he is working with her. At some point, there will surely be a blow-up about something, they cannot be content all the time, this is only a honeymoon phase.
Sorry 3, I know the A part of this is the really s*cky part.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
But the other thing is you can never KNOW that he is not going to remove her from his life.
That's right. If and when a WAS decides to return to the LBS, they often go "all in". They tell the LBS they'll do anything to regain their trust, and often that involves removing an OP from their life. I've even read stories of WAS's changing jobs to get away from OP's. So it's true that you don't know what the future holds.
That said, 3BM, your sitch is still VERY young. You shouldn't expect to see any improvement from your H yet. I think you're being impatient wanting to force something regarding OW right now. There may be a time for that much later, but right now any pressure on your H is going to accelerate D.
