Newbies introduce yourself /moderation notes

[melissag]

Hi all, I have been lurking for a bit, just now registered for an account.

Brief story: Married almost 11 years; together 13.5; friends 17. Two awesome, happy (for now) kids - boy 7 and girl 9.

Issues throughout our marriage turned into vicious circle - he said I was too critical and (once having kids) not enough intimacy. I felt insecure in the relationship and he would not give me reassurances since he was feeling badly about the way I treated him. I felt too vulnerable to give him what he wanted. You see how this goes. In retrospect, we just handled everything all wrong.

My history - parents married 47 years. HIs history - parents divorced at age 1 (Dad took off, rarely saw kids); Dad married a second time to a woman with a divorce under her belt. Started affair when wife #2 pregnant with kid #3; left wife and three kids, moved across the country when kid #3 was an infant. Third wife had already been divorced once as well. Divorce rampant in his family - he views it as a solution (part of the reason for my insecurity).

So, we struggled through these issues, but I think too wrapped up in our own problems to really hear and understand the other. Still have had a great time together, great kids, lots of family fun, our home is happy. A lot of complacency in the marriage - I tried to do small scale things to help but was not encouraged to do more because I felt they were unappreciated, and I felt too vulnerable to do more. He apparently thought he was doing things to help, though I am not sure what, which means that we were both way off base and just didn't get each other.

So long story short, on 9/27 H dropped the bomb, apparently having thought about it for some time, unbeknownst to me. Seemingly no emotion - no changing his mind. Spent 24 hours doing the exact wrong thing - begging, pleading, generally humiliating myself - only strengthened his resolve, and in fact he said some pretty mean things to me. ("It's time for me to be selfish." "I don't love you." "No, I will not give you another chance, you already got your last chance," etc. Ouch.)

Started doing 180s and he has softened quite a bit. We had have had two nights where we have been intimate. After first one, said he was freaking out - he loves me and cares about me and doesn't want to F things up further - I guess in reference to his desire to be best of friends so we can be great co-parents. Second time (just under a week ago), I told him not to freak out, I get it, I understand what he feels he needs to do, and I don't want him to be unhappy with me. Just before the second time we had a long talk (I did not ask him to work on the M, but we did talk about a few of the issues - basically he just feels that we are great friends but that when M we take each other for granted and just don't understand each other, and it will never work; and that he feels that he has lost himself somewhere and needs to stand on his own to work that out.)

He is still living at home. The kids have not been told. I keep trying to give him space but he chooses to spend most of his time outside of work with me and the kids. After the kids go to bed, he hangs out with me. Then, he goes and sleeps downstairs on the couch. (Sigh.) I have been dressing more nicely, he notices and compliments me. I make dinner (usually he does), he thanks me and compliments me. During our big talk, he told me he doesn't feel comfortable with touching b/c he feels he needs to stand on his own. (An hour later we were having sex.) I have been respecting that even though it kills me. It is almost comical the lengths he goes to to make sure that we don't touch each other. You'd think I have leprosy. Tonight he touched me voluntarily three times . . . so I guess that is a good sign? But, as with all other nights, after we have had a great time together, he makes sure to update me on his moving out plans. (RIght now, plans to move out in about 10 days - on our anniversary weekend. Ouch.)

Still doing 180s - haven't criticized him once in 3+ weeks - and honestly kicking myself because wow, it's so much easier not to be critical! Wish that I could have figured all this stuff out with time left to fix things.

Most of my friends/family and everyone else I talk to have good intentions but
tell me he's a jerk, move on, kick him out of the house, lawyer up, he's evil, etc. It hurts a lot and I really hate all the negativity. I find that when I try to just "accept it and get over it," that means i lie on the floor feeling depressed and hopeless. Doing the 180s and having a little hope makes me better able to handle getting through each day.

Talked to DB coach today, it was definitely helpful. Wish I could talk to her every day, as I have nobody for encouragement and I seriously need it all day long.

I don't think there is any stopping him moving out; I just pray that he comes around at some point . . . although once the kids are told, I may not be hoping anymore. I am really dreading that, and think I may be quite angry at that point.

I have seen therapists, lawyers, etc. Read up online and in books. And you know what I've decided? Divorce is just plain STUPID. It's so stupid that we are going to have to split up all the parenting stuff, and all of our things, and all of our finances, etc. It's stupid that we get along great, have a great time together and a happy little family, and he wants a D. It's obvious to me that our problems are totally solvable; but he doesn't see that at all. He feels they are completely unresolvable. He also somehow thinks that he has "done everything" to make this work . . . not sure how that can be true when he decided on his own to D and sticks to it even though I want to work on things. ???

Thanks for reading this far . . . I'm still trying to figure out how/where to post in the forums, but am looking forward to some DBing support and advice - it is tough stuff with little outside support.

[JFred]

Hi...First post. Have been reading for several days now. I'll post full details later, but for now, I had an affair and wife wants divorce. says she will never trust me again. On Aug 7th, she asked me to move out, which i did. On Sept 7th she told me she wanted a divorce. She didn't mention it again until Oct 19th. Said she has retained an atty and is filling out the paperwork to file. Not sure what I can do at this point.

[JFred]

Hi...my first post. Have been reading the board for a few days now. I'll post more detail later. For now, I had an affair and told my wife about it. She asked me to move out, which I did on Aug 7th. On Sept 7th she said she didn't love me, would never be able to trust me again, and wanted a divorce. Needless to say, I fell apart. I want the marriage. She didn't say anything about the divorce again until Oct 19th. At that time, she told me she has retained an atty and is in the process of completing the filing. Not sure what to do at this point.

[What to do]

Hello, I am new to this forum. My husband and I have been together for 10 yrs and married for 8 yrs. We have alot of history together and have been threw so much, our counselor told us it is a miracle we are still together.
I had a drinking problem for the first 3 yrs of our marriage and H took on a caregiving and controlling role to keep me from killing myself from drinking too much. I got sober and our relationship totally changed because I was different but he stayed the same.
We always rug swept our problems and hold resentments from 7 yrs ago. I recently left because I discovered that he was texting 2 different women, 1 about sex. He claims nothing happened and he dosent know why he text them. I told him I will not put up with this again, because it happened many times before. (TEXTING WOMEN) He says he will not do it again but thats what he said before many times. I feel rejected and like he is stringing me along. I am a very attractive woman and I dont know why my H is such a flirt and cant just be faithful. HE claims that he loves me and dosent want anyone else.
We recently met with a marriage counselor and have another appt. to start on Tuesday. I am excited and scared that if this dosent work, it will be the end. I love him very much but dont know how to forgive him for this and stop thinking he dosent want me. It is literally making me sick.
We are currently living apart but spend ALOT of time together and spend the night almost everynight. Please tell me what to do from here and how can I get some peace.

[Roberta]

Your decision- "not to give up" is the kind of attitude that Divorce Busting focuses on. I am happy to hear that you bought and read Michele Weiner-Davis' book- Divorce Busting. It appears that much of her advice has resonated with you. The next best decision you can make is to speak with a Divorce Busting coach. Our coaches can help you set specific goals and strategies. Please call us to schedule an appointment.
303-444-7004

[nit84]

Hi, I am truly a newbie. I hope I didnt wait too long to join this forum. I have been married to my W for 12 years and together for 15 years. I am 12 years older than my wife. Our marriage has been very good at times and very bad at times just like everybody. She left me in June 2012 for only two weeks. She came back because she said she didnt think she worked hard enough on the marriage. Fast foward to 5 months ago. I asked my W to start a family. She seemed somewhat surprised because she has been wanting children for about 10 years now and I kept putting it off. I know this was very selfish and stupid of me. We talked about kids before we married and knew we both wanted them. Honestly I have wanted to start a family for about 3 years now I just couldnt come right out and tell her fearing her reaction after waiting so long. I started dropping hints in hopes she would catch on and ask me if I was ready. No such luck. There are other problems in the marriage but I feel that they are manageable. This problem with babies in the at root of a lot of them I believe. 2 months after finally asking her about children we separated. It has now been 4 months and she is talking divorce. We have talked a few times about the M. She says she doesnt love me anymore and doesnt want to be married to me right now but she would like nothing better than to go out to dinner with me and just talk and have a good time then maybe in a couple years if we are meant to we will get back together but we have to get all this over with first meaning the D. I have been in solo MC since right after the split. I asked two times if she would go either with me or alone and she declined. I started GAL before I even knew what it was. I have read DR twice now and have tried different things I think I have some baby steps forward because she says thing like" your telling me what I want to hear but I wish you have said it way sooner" but then when I show confidence or something doesnt go her way she says things like" I am very uncomfortable around you" or " I am afraid of you". Which makes me feel awful. I have tried NC and this seems to work sometimes because she then will initiate contact. I love my wife very much I want to start a family with her she just needs to meet me halfway. She has told me she she sees changes in me but it is too late. My feeling is that she is mad because she never thought I would fight so hard to save our marriage and this is conflicting her. I am just worried that her pride will keep her from taking that leap of faith to trust me again and she feels the need to see the D through for that reason. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[blyndfayth]

Hi all,
I started a thread, but it hasnt shown up yet.
Quick version:
H: 42 Me: 28
Married: 05/21/2011
Ilybnilwy: 10/2013
No ring: Two weeks

He is confused possible MLC, I am hurt but not ready to give.
I have been here before under the Emily23 screenname, new marriage, new problems = new account.

[ShabbyPirate]

I am new to the forum and appreciate all the excellent advice I have been reading over the past few days.

I suspected H was texting OW about a month ago and confronted him. He admitted he was texting OW and that he has been unhappy for some time. I could tell he was VERY uncomfortable discussing this with me. I asked if he had slept with her. He said he had. I told him to get out (this is not his first A). He quietly packed and left. It has been almost 30 days and we are talking peacefully. We have both been to IC, but not MC just yet. I think he may need more IC before we attempt MC.

After the first few days of mourning, I started reading whatever I could get my hands on, including The Language of Letting Go by Beattie. I also started going to yoga three times a week and try to walk a mile every few days. This has helped tremendously (GAL!). I also try to spend time with my GFs at least once a week. I am working on several 180's. It is hard to stay committed to these sometimes.

I am in the house with the children and H has been staying with a friend. He mentioned over the weekend that he would like to move back home into the spare bedroom. I would love to have him back in the house but don't want to be overly anxious. I am afraid the 180s may actually be harder with him here, than having him completely out of the house.

I would appreciate any thoughts or advice.

[Heres hoping]

Hi there new to this as is everyone at some stage. Scenario is after 18 years together and 9'years of marriage my wife wants a separation. I found out initially 2 weeks ago when she stated she wanted to take a break whilst I was going on a 2 week working trip. She needed space to sort her thoughts out. There is no third party. I returned after doing a major self analysis and made the decision to start by buying flowers and trying to be more romantic. I arrived back to the we need to talk and was told she wants a separation. She still wants to be my best friend and help out with the business so for the past 2 days I have been riding the roller coaster. I then advised we needed to talk and went through the various reasons to explain why I had withdrawn both sexually and mentally and that she was not the problem and I am now doing something about it. This made her angry as she stated why is it one that it's over you are doing all this, I advised that I couldn't hear what she was saying as our communication usually involved me barking at her as I was angry with my self.
Our situation is two fold that she didn't raise her concerns so lack of communication and I made some poor financial decisions and pushed her away. She advised we have been more like friends anyway. I do struggle with this as I want to really make this work and I feel I am now back on track. She is not willing as I believe she doesn't want to be hurt again, is very stubborn and has made her mind up. She states she loves me and always will but can't do this anymore.
I have started to get help to make me a better person and have started to let go even though it hurts. I'm taking it one day at a time. I need to make the changes for me, but I do hope she notices, and maybe starts to wander if she has made a mistake. She stated I can't just forget and forgive the last 18 years - which started at 3 and through conversation has gone to 18, and she told me that she had doubts when we got married. She advised she has lived her life trying to keep me happy as I do have depression which I'm getting help for and this has taken its toll. She now wants to put her first and reclaim herself. She is 37 I am 40. I do feel lost, but hopeful. I have started to make changes. The relationship is civil and we still watch tv etc it's just that in the same house she sleeps upstairs I sleep downstairs.

[ShabbyPirate]

Welcome. I am new as well.

Hang in there!