AS, Thank you for your answers. I think I have to slow down and explain myself better. I have read Sandi2's rules. I am trying my best to follow them. Most of the passages you pulled were from a discussion the W and I had about three weeks ago. She initiated the talk when I stopped over at the house to do some repair work. I got the sense that she is confused and needed to vent. I listened to her intently and empathized with her. She told me how hard it must be to be in my position and if it were her she wouldn't know what to do. I told her it is tough no doubt but I have accepted the situation the way it is right now and I am working on some stuff for me. She asked me to move out at the beginning of the S I agreed that she and our dog would be more comfortable. Our dog was in poor health at the time and moving her would have sped up the ultimate ending. Back in August I told my wife of my desire to move back home then. she wasn't happy and I said well after our dog passes there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to because that the whole why she remained in the house to begin with. She does not like when I say I am going to do some improvements on the house after the dog passes which happened about 6 weeks ago. she says I should have done them years ago when she asked but forgets that we agreed that it would be better to wait until after the dog passed. She says now that I am only doing it to throw it in her face and to force her to leave the house. this is not true. I am proud of our house and so is she we have made it a home for twelve years and now it is time to put some care back into it. All of this work was planned well before the S so I am not sure why this is upsetting her. I will try to give more background when I get off moderation.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Yes I have read DB twice now. Sorry for the way I respond with no paragraphs I am working on this as we speak.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
AS, It has been almost 5 months now since the S. We have only talked about the M twice in that time both times my W initiated the talk. I most certainly do not want to bring it up but when it has come up maybe I haven't done the greatest job at responding back to her correctly. I have been in solo MC since the S and it has helped a great deal on many levels.
I am now able to recognize where I would get defensive in an argument in the past and stop it from happening. My W IMHO has noticed this change and has on a couple of occasions "tested" me I believe. I have not back slid and feel it has helped our sitch somewhat. I am a much better listener I empathize with her but not sure always if I validate her feelings as much as I should. She tells me my feelings all the time and ask her to please not do that and she apologizes.
She keeps asking why I didn't say anything about wanting children sooner. if you refer back to my first post it will explain the children aspect of our problems. I apologize the best I can for not just asking her to start a family that is all I can do. I wish I could rewrite history on this because I feel that things would be much much different if I had.
When we talk about children or romantic love, which she says was lacking in our M, I explain to the best I can what I am feeling about the question she has asked concerning these issues and she says "you are just telling me things I want to hear". And "why couldn't you tell me sooner".
She has said that she sees that I have done a lot of things to better myself. Personally, I think it surprises her that I am fighting so for our M and she doesn't know how to react. She has told me that she still has feelings for me just doesn't love me right because we have been together for 15 years. I told her we could rebuild from here if she could just trust me a little to begin with.
She is contacting some close mutual friends now that she hasn't reached out to in 5 months. Hoping this is to see if she should maybe trust me again and that all the things I am doing to better myself is for real and will last. They all tell me what a world of difference they see in me since the S took place and if asked and only if asked they will assure the W that they think I am the same funny guy I always was but realizes now what is really important in life is a family and a loving M
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
We have only talked about the M twice in that time both times my W initiated the talk. I most certainly do not want to bring it up but when it has come up maybe I haven't done the greatest job at responding back to her correctly.
No problem there, Sandi's rules say not to initiate any M convos but if your W brings it up it's OK to talk about it.
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I am now able to recognize where I would get defensive in an argument in the past and stop it from happening. My W IMHO has noticed this change and has on a couple of occasions "tested" me I believe. I have not back slid and feel it has helped our sitch somewhat.
Good! Just keep in mind that the WAS won't believe the LBS's changes at first, they think it's just tricks to get them back. One of the WAS's biggest fears in reconciliation is that things will "go back to the way they were." So we have to show them consistent changes over a long period of time before they start believing the changes are real.
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I am a much better listener I empathize with her but not sure always if I validate her feelings as much as I should.
That's OK, just keep at it. I've been at it for 1-1/2 years and am STILL working on listening/ validating skills!
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She keeps asking why I didn't say anything about wanting children sooner. if you refer back to my first post it will explain the children aspect of our problems. I apologize the best I can for not just asking her to start a family that is all I can do.
WAS's will often drag up the same issues over and over again. If you've sincerely apologized for it then no need to keep apologizing. If she brings it up again the just politely remind her that you've already discussed it and apologized for it.
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Personally, I think it surprises her that I am fighting so for our M and she doesn't know how to react.
My W told the MC that she was surprised I wanted to stay married. She lost interest in the M quite some time back and just assumed I did too. She thought I'd embrace S and D.
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I told her we could rebuild from here if she could just trust me a little to begin with.
Quit pressuring her!!!! Remember Sandi's rules!
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She is contacting some close mutual friends now that she hasn't reached out to in 5 months. Hoping this is to see if she should maybe trust me again and that all the things I am doing to better myself is for real and will last.
She's looking for "enablers", people to tell her what she wants to hear. Prepare yourself, because she's probably going to say some bad things about you to others and it'll get back to you. She has to convince them she's doing the right thing and the only way to do that is to paint an unflattering picture of you to them. All you can do is be true to yourself and show them who you REALLY are through your actions.
AS, I believe she is looking for enablers also but these friends know a little of our history and cant understand why she is a WAS. They always thought of us as a loving couple. When I explained what I thought caused the S. They were somewhat surprised because they said everything I was telling them could be improved easily with better communication and the help of MC. They have really been supportive of my effort to make myself a better person for me.They also told me that they wished that they would have fought for their marriage as hard as I am fighting for mine.
They said if they are approached by my W they would also support her but would tell her how important they think it is that we try everything possible to save our M.
I told them that she might say bad things about me but they said they would know the difference between truths and made up stories because they know both of us.
It doesnt stop with friends. She also has talked with my brother and sister on somewhat consistent basis. They say when they talk to her it isnt about us or me but about how she is doing. That is just fine with me and even if they do talk about me and dont say anything about what was talked about I respect that they are allowed to have a confidentiality with her.
She has asked me from the beginning of the S to not talk to her family. I have respected her wishes except for one short conversation with one of her relatives. When she found out this really upset her. Since that time I have not reached out to any of them. I have seen them in public and we have acknowledged each others presence but no conversations have taken place.
Is this a positive that she is keeping in touch with my family?
@MrBond I am paying for half of all the bills- mortgage, credit cards, installment loans, cell phone and even utilities that I have used in 5 months. My wife lost her job shortly after the S. She said she didnt want anything from me. So I figured paying 50 percent was all I should do. We still have joint bank accounts so I just transfer what she needs to her account and she pays the bills. Before the S I used to pay the bills. I never wanted to I wanted her to do it but at the beginning of our M when we tried that she bounced some checks and we decided I should take over. When we talked about this at the split. She remembers it as me telling her I would pay the bills because she couldnt. This is not a true statement. I told her when we S that I would like her to take over paying the bills she said she would and that is how it has been. If she ever asked for more financial help I certainly would help her
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
I meant utilities that I have not used in 5 months MrBond
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
