I'm back for a while

[ClingingToHope]

Excellent weekend so far. Friday was the last football game for the fall and the school I run the scoreboard for was hosting the school where my daughters go to school.

So the announcer helped set up an opportunity for D14 to sing the national anthem with a senior from the host school.

I had to do a lot of logistical stuff so they could practice Thursday and then they nailed the anthem Friday. XW supposedly came, but I didn't see her. I was up in the booth with D14.

But for D14 that was just the second best thing of the night. After the anthem, the boy that took her to homecoming asked her to be his girlfriend. It's her first official boyfriend and she was on cloud nine.

It was a really cool night.

D11 stayed with the professor and her daughter, who although she's 11 is worlds different. They didn't get along great this summer, but Friday went well. She was laughing and trying to entertain the professor's daughter, who was skyping with her cousin in Baltimore.

So Friday easily was one of the top 10 moments of my post divorce days.

Today, D14 and I painted her room. It was expensive, but I have been saving a little each check for home improvements, so it was covered. D14's "boyfriend" called and asked her to eat dinner at his dad's house tomorrow. I said that's fine. They are Vikings fans. D14 knows nothing about football. I told her if it comes up, she should just say "Adrien Peterson is a beast."

Next week, I am hoping to take them to a college football game. But D14 may have theater practice.

D11 had a friend over for a few hours. It's one of those friendships where they are good together in small doses. The friend was over for five hours and by the end they were fighting.

Later, D11 and I watched the first episode of Glee. They've watched it with their mom and wanted me to watch. It's a good show.

D14 had a friend over and they spent most of the time in the basement talking. ... Life sands through the hourglass.

The professor did a zombie run today with her daughter. Her daughter spends one day each weekend with her dad so the professor is coming in the afternoon Sunday to teach D11, D14 and I one of her vegetarian recipes. D14 is interested in going vegetarian. D11 still has an awful diet -- she'll learn once puberty hits her.

With D14, the struggle when she was 11, 12 and 13 was getting her to up her exercise. That's changed. Today, we went for a run. Things are going really well for her right now.

I got paid $250 for a freelance piece I wrote for a national auto magazine. I got that money in the bank this morning and it means the wolves are away from the door for a couple more weeks.

Honestly, I have a question. What's the difference between competition and motivation? I read once and try to live by this -- the best revenge is a life well lived.

[AJM]

Glad to hear things are looking brighter.

What's the difference? To me, the difference is the motivating factor. If you're living a well-lived-life, you're doing it for you and for your kids. If you're competing, you're doing it to be "better than..." somebody else. She does x, so you do x+1 to be "better than or equal to.."

See the difference?

Your freedom comes from forgiveness. That's the end state when you can let it all go. When you can live your life unfettered and unhampered by your past and past relationship. You'll always have history and things you need to communicate with the ex. You have kids. It's inherent in that dynamic. That makes it a little harder.

I've walked those shoes. In some ways, I still do. My ex and her new husband moved in a few blocks away and keeps trying to pick fights etc. Actively. My kids - one in college and one a couple years away. I come back here to hopefully help others who are in similar situations, but I sometimes still have to check my motivation to ensure it's not competition or anger or something other than for me and my kids. It takes more effot when they actively try to instigate and harass. But the end state is the same - forgiveness and letting go.

Perhaps somebody else has a different approach or opinion.

Peace,
AJ

[ClingingToHope]

Sunday went well for D14. She had dinner at the boyfriend's dad's house. The boyfriend's parents are divorced. The dad lives on the river and has a couple of boats. The boyfriend actually made the beef stroganoff. It's really cute so far.

I'm taking the boyfriend and D14 to a college football game next Saturday. Give D14 a chance to soak up the college atmosphere a little. I have few worries right now about her. She got a 4.1 GPA her first quarter of high school and we've already picked out her top 20 choices for college and entered them into Cappex, an interesting college site.

We went shopping for jeans Sunday and she was going on and on and I told her the rule for dating will be the same as it was for theater -- if her grades drop then dating goes on hiatus.

Right now, a lot of things are going her way. It's good to see after all the drama the past couple of years.

D11 skipped her 6th, 7th and 8th grade church service on Wednesday and so she came with D14 and I to the big service. It's a big evangelical non denominational modern church -- lots of Christian rock. Everyone wears jeans. It can be overwhelming though.

She did OK. She really got into the singing. But after she said she'd go to the Wednesday service from now on. I thought that would be the result.

Everything was perfect Sunday and then she was messing around with her blinds and they got stuck so I climbed onto her loft bed and there was too much weight and part of the support gave way.

That irritated me because I thought I might be stuck having to get a new bed. This one came used. D11 thought I was mad at her. I told her I was frustrated that she was playing with the blinds instead of going to bed, but really I was worrying about the cost.

Still, she was up so late she was late for school. That's the first time in two years she's been late with me.

Going to be a weird week at work. I'm supposed to be learning a new database program, but stuff keeps getting thrown at me. I have several stories already on hold. It's hard to get motivated when you haven't had a raise in five years and you wonder when the next round of cuts is coming.

Went to run my basketball league tonight and we needed a player so I got back out there. I don't really mind anything about getting older -- except that when I play there are things I just can't do anymore. I held my own, but I was playing against top flight guys, most of whom never saw me when I really could play.

Here's an interesting thing -- when I was done, I felt flushed, angst gone at least for this day. It's always been like that -- almost a runner's high. Play for a couple of hours and everything will be OK. Well, OK after my whole body stops hurting.

There actually is a group of 40 to 50 year old guys that plays at the Y on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. They start around 6 a.m. I've resisted, sometimes because there are times during the year -- umpiring season -- where I can't afford to get hurt, and partly because I didn't want to admit that's where I probably belong.

Well, really, that's where I belong.

[figgeroni]

the difference between competition and motivation is the impetus behind it

Competition is when you play against someone else for a win
(what you do with your ex)

motivation is all about you
(what we keep telling you to do)


If you have wolves at your door you best stop investing in a college education for awhile and feed the wolves.

IF you were really where you say you are (in Ramsey's book) you wouldn't be working a million odd jobs and worried about paycheck to paycheck

when you stop using your ex as your "motivation" to live better, you might actually LIVE BETTER

[ClingingToHope]

Sigh. XW didn't give D11 her ADHD meds -- she forgot -- and D11 had a severe meltdown at school.

It proves that D11 is nowhere near being able to function effectively without them.

XW is on her way to school and I'm cringing at the outcome. We want the school to waive the inschool suspension because she didn't have her meds. XW said she wants to point out that the school didn't follow procedures in the IEP. I told her that perhaps she shouldn't discuss the IEP today, just say we forgot her meds can they waive the suspension and then discuss the IEP another day.

We'll see.

[AJM]

CTH, hopefully you have a little better perspective about competition vs. motivation. It's about you

I get that you're in a tough spot. Trying to parent with an ex is difficult to say the least. I get that. Believe me I do. But eventually you have to step off the train and still be a parent. It's a tough line and takes a lot of work.

You seem to be getting it. Is that the case?

AJ

[kat727]

Cth, I don't know if you are understanding that you need to use your desires to motivate you to move forward. You aren't going to get anywhere comparing your life, your failures, your successes to anyone else.

This is your game, make the plan and make it happen.

kat

[SunFunOne]

Why do I feel like we are reading your Blog rather than having meaningful input?

Last year you were so concerned about money yet your savings are admirable. I would not be selling blood to do that though.

A year ago you really wanted D(then 13) to have a boyfriend & now you are thrilled that she does. Most of us would want to hold that off as long as we could. My friends & I just wanted to get our kids through their teens without a pregnancy or an arrest. There is plenty of time for dating - don't rush them to grow up.

Listen to the advice being given. I really feel like you're thumbing your nose at it. How's that been working for you? You should not have any wolves at the door!


Barb

[ClingingToHope]

Sigh. A few weeks ago XW said we'd be getting reimbursed for D14's braces. She got a check for $750 and my portion was to be $375, but she was going to take out copays.

She never sends me the copays. I have to request them and then I only get them if she's mad or broke and it's several months worth. I haven't gotten any since March.

Now, she's saying she only owes me $34 of the $375 because she's factoring in higher medical premiums.

I reminded her that that isn't part of the agreement. She offered me a lower insurance payment so I wouldn't seek custody and I agreed.

She says she'll have to take me back to court to amend the agreement.

[ClingingToHope]

SFO, I treat this site as a blog. It has all my posts since early 2010. I am doing the best I can. I treat this site as a place to vent.