Wow! I had already read some of these, here and there, but when brought together in one post, they are very powerful. I am reading and re-reading! Thank you, uR! You have such a gift for sharing with others the wisdom you've gained on your journey. You are a strength to me so many times.
great stuff that probably everyone in the world needs to read EVERY morning.
and well put. didja ever think of writing a "survivor's guide to mlc? or life or whatever??? it doesn't have to be a huge book- one of those little things youpickup by the checkout- and then find yhou put where you sit every morning to thumb hru- think about it.
there is not alot of "good news" out there every day- but ten, as i say it- there is if you look for it isn't there?
it's all in the looking - the perspctive. i don't claim to be all "in total control" here. i have truly mastered the "getting thru a day" thing. i've really switched my perspective around about not worrying about the future. this mlc and of course, my mother's sitch - have taught me that we CANNOT KNOW what will happen tomorrow - we're lucky if we're still alive & cranking along- i'm grateful for that.
i can capture moments of pleasure- and enjoy some things that were all "black" in the beginning of this debacle - so glad of that. loosly i feel optimistic that someday i'll feell hapy and lucky again- like i used to. i always thought it was because of my r with h - i like being "connected". maybe tho, just maybe - it's because of who i am. i am not one to go around being miserable - don't believe in it. it feels mightry like a waste of my time and life-
I am never in fear that i'll die from this- anymore. the grief has subsided and mostly the ANGER just passes thru. not even so much tho- mostly i guess if i'm feeling something BAD it's frustration at his "blindness" - but then ii know it's out of myh hands - allllll THAT. how he'll act, what he's doing- just beyond my ken or conrol.
i YTHINK i'm detaching AS Best i can. there are whole days that go by without thinking of him when he's gone.
i try and figure what i'd do differently if i won a lottery- or met a wonderful man. those seem to be two big issues - love and money.
i think if i won the lottery i'd bedoing the same old thing. if i met a man- i'd explore that "friendshiip" and see what it was -
i'm not sure now that i say it out loud what that tells me. maybe i'm on the right road.
i'm not sorry i loved so darn un-stintingly. it was mighty nice - i felt loved - i love that.
i don't hate him and i don't wish he was dead - boy are you ever right about not being able to get your brain around (sometimes) this new diferent person inside the skin of the person youloved for sooooo long and shared soooo much with.
i'm bad at viewing it as "him in crisis". he may well be- when i picked up that book tht fateful morning- it seemed to figt like a glove - allll the syumptoms and what was going on.
it was the tip of the iceberg - maybe. maye not- i srugle alot with "figureing it all out" - then come to your conclusion that i just DON'T GET TO KNOW. it's going to be like that i think inh my life- just an unexplainable thing. a BIG THING- but never a sufficient understanding. like my fav sister dying from alcohol- sooooo much "stuff" atached to that for her and me- i will never ever truly be inside of it or her head. it's done and over tho- i don't go back there alot. can't and move forward too -
i do not havew total total total detACHMENT- i still wonder what he's doing sometimes - i still resent it when he's with her and she's got my companion. (yeah- i know - oh well huh?))
we had a nice trip- he is nice to me - i do n't want to be his sister or friend (only) - it's wierd. maybe tht is my "stuck" bit- the notion that at the end of the day i'm his big "it" in life - or i'm havin my own life somewhere else.
i still don't think it's a right action for me to tell him to get the heck out of my life and stay away. i am coasting along- he pretty much just does as he pleases. he thinks he's living alone - and trying to see what he wants.
i'd say my non-detachment comes when i want to sream at his head - well you jerk- you're "havin it all" and so what the heck do you want from me? go stinking have it it all - have her- hope she jumps on you, busts your spleen and you both die in a love-fest there on the bed. whattya want from me? i am not having fun, i didn't have the wisdom to stack extramen around in life in the sidelines - so i could shake one out and put him on when things got tough. i'm just puddlin thru on my own- i want to have fun too. [censored] to be me huh?.
i bite it back- i move on - i don't stew or be ratty. i'm pretty sick of "actin as if" but don't have anything else to get me by- so i do.
idk where i am, all things being considered. he hangs in here - paying bills - coming here (not enough for me- but hey) and doing whatever the heck he thinks he's doing with his life.
i'll tell you what i do not like and do not understand and i'm sure has some nmessage in it that i cannot fathom. this business of him having all the freedom in the world one would want (not married to me - no legal entanglement) and yet not walking out of my life or tossing me out of his.
he's got (at this moment - no kidding) 3.5 houses that hje owns out;right - he could easliy and most generously give me this stinking half of house- walk away- and be free. he has it within hispower at any moment in time to walk away free and clear with nary a glance over his shoulder. why not just f'ing do it- be free- quit making me even know.
neither of us can seem to totally cut the cord. he swears he doesn't want to ever marry anyone- he needs to be free. he keeps himself attached at all tijmes tho. im gthe persoj who always wanted a "group" to be attached to - i k now i'm a pack animal. he's equally attachie - even more than me- but thinks he's a "lone wolf" - i think i'm a bit less delusional aboutmy own addictions and flaws.
wtf - i am one confused dude- he is too. we're a real pair.
i tend to think in life - he is very good at looking afgter number 1 first - i was very good at overlooking everytghing in the universe becasue if i'm in love - i'm really nutty that way. i seem to put others first - it's nothing i hate aboutme necessarily- but i can see it sends a wrong message and is not a very good m.o. i'm not sayin i'm swell here- i'm saying i'm too easily influenced or - well, i'm too easy..
that is the thing about me i am having rouble scaling back from and making a change about. i still believe all the same things in life- but i additionally believe people are opportunistic and self- serving first and foremost and i need to factor that in a bit more in life.
it is not ALWAYS a good thing to be so egocentric i always think i can do it, i can take it, i can fix it - what in the world is that anyway??? and who the heck do i think i am? .
"didja ever think of writing a "survivor's guide to mlc? or life or whatever???"
uR, Nero has found the solution to your financial situation. You know how all of us feel that you would make such an excellent counselor, but you can't afford to go back to school right now? You can write this guide! I even know the perfect name for it: "You Are Worthy"! It would be a kazillion copy seller, uR! I am damned serious about this.
Thanks Nero!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
I agree, uR is such a great writer with so much knowledge, not to mention courage and strength. I would buy your "You are Worthy" book in a heartbeat!
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
OMG, guys - Nero, CP, Rosa and Lois, you just made my day! Thank you so much for saying that. And no, I have never thought of writing a book. Oh goodness, I couldnt do that. But I so appreciate the vote of confidence. More than you know. Love you all.
