lostinpgh, I know what you mean about the relatives and friends pressuring your H. You cannot control what they tell you H, but I would stay away from discussing your situation with them right now. One year ago, when our mutual friends found out about our sitch, the male friend wanted to talk to H right away. I asked him not too and he honored my request. At that time H didn’t tell anybody what was going on with us, so our friends learnt from me, because I accidentally mentioned something and they pressured me to tell them more. So, I finally told them, but asked not to reveal it to H. After a couple of months, when the things were not going anywhere, I finally gave up allowed my guy friend to contact H. Well, you know what it did? Now I know that my H was still trying to decide what he wanted at that time, and this why he didn’t want any of the friends to know. When he was pressured by our friend, he made the final decision, that there “was no way back to M”, his words that he told to our friends. And after that he was “sticking” to his decision (my H is a stubborn one, and once he makes a decision, he sticks to it.) So, be careful with enlisting support from friends and relatives.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thanks, BF. I was trying to be careful about telling people about our situation because I didn't want it to look like I was pressuring people to talk to him and tell him what he should be doing.
I don't want to be in a marriage with someone who doesn't want me, so even if he was bullied into coming back - that wouldn't make me feel wanted and loved, ya know? I want him to be with me because HE wants to be.
Our mutual friends are all in Toronto, so I don't get to talk to them too often. I did talk with his best friend a few times about the situation, but I asked him not to mention anything to my H about it. Weirdly enough, he's the guy who is in the process of divorcing the woman who my H had what I'd consider an emotional affair with. Jerry springer stuff I tell you.
Me: 31 H: 32 Married 10 years, together 11 No kids H moved out to an apt 8-3-13
Experience: That most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn. ~C.S. Lewis
My H's parents called me last night and we spoke for 3.5 hours. They told me that all along they've been thinking that he'd been having an affair with the text girl mentioned in my original post. They said that his behaviour just doesn't match up with anything else in their eyes. In my mind, I'm keeping the doors to all avenues open because I don't know what the real truth is. I told them he could simply be having a crisis, or he could be having an affair but either way there's not much I can do to change it. He told them that when he looks in my eyes, the anger he has for me shows up. He is just SO ANGRY at everything. They also told me that when he is guilty of something, he tends to get angry at the person who called him out instead of feeling ashamed or saying he's sorry. When they asked him about why he didn't seem to show any empathy towards me when I injured my foot, was dealing with our sick cats and my grandma passed, all he had to say to that was that it wasn't his problem. So I don't know. I just don't know what I should do really. I haven't seen him face to face since August.
Me: 31 H: 32 Married 10 years, together 11 No kids H moved out to an apt 8-3-13
Experience: That most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn. ~C.S. Lewis
Keeping focus on you, GALing and continue to lovingly detach is probably the best thing you can do for yourself...then you wont worry about what you "should do" because you're already doing it: growing and moving forward in life......if H pops back in and wants to join...nice...but either way you are already on your path.
Having long conversations about your H...w/ his parents and others, trying to figure out the hows and whys may only lead to more frustration for you...in the future you may want to keep the coversations shorter or redirect to focus on the positive things you are doing (and I know we technically shouldn't care, but this way, the parents can relay to H how wonderful and strong you are... lol)
I hope this week is a good one for you!
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Just stopping by to say hello....hope all is well!
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
I have been doing pretty good at GAL'ing so far! No skydiving for me, but I've gone on a few hikes and have said yes to almost any activity someone asks me to do. I haven't yet signed up for any classes which is on my list of things to do. Getting much better at eating more regularly and better meals now, when all this started I was eating like a college freshman or just skipping meals completely. I've learned that I dont NEED him to make me happy and I can do just fine on my own, but I am still willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage if he shows me he's in it to win it, too.
Me: 31 H: 32 Married 10 years, together 11 No kids H moved out to an apt 8-3-13
Experience: That most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn. ~C.S. Lewis
Just a bit of journaling... The health problems have started to kick in from the amount of stress I have been under. Digestive issues, hormonal problems. But, I don't want to take any anxiety medication because I want to feel all of this and grieve and get through it. Last night I had a huge cry fest right before bed. I could barely breathe or see when I was done. I was calling out to God and asking him just to help me find my way to happiness again. I feel so defeated and deflated. I'm tempted to start hanging out with some more guy friends but I feel like that is dangerous territory with the situation I'm in. I feel so lonely and just simply alone. My mom passed away 9 years ago so I don't have her to talk to about this stuff. I can't talk to my dad because he did to my mom what my husband is doing to me now. I keep wondering when the real love ended for my H and all the faking and acting started. I feel like such a fool. My therapist seems to think that my H is just waiting for me to tell him that he's been right all along and I'm a terrible wife and partner and he should have every right to leave me. I'm thinking of talking to a lawyer to see what my rights are, but I don't even know what I should ask. Just a really low day for me today.
Me: 31 H: 32 Married 10 years, together 11 No kids H moved out to an apt 8-3-13
Experience: That most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn. ~C.S. Lewis
