gathered some old posts.....hope they help

[uRworthy]

I get how you are feeling and thinking because I felt and thought the same things.

I thought if I could keep telling him I want him and I want to work on our marriage enough times, that this day would be the one when he would say, Ok, Ur, I feel the same way.

Until it didnt happen.

The thing of it is this. There are reasons why your spouse feels the way he or she does. Some of them are true, some not, but they are their feelings so they are valid to them.

When you keep on telling him the things you do, you are invalidating his feelings. You are telling him, I know the words you are saying, but they are wrong, because I want you and I want to work on the marriage. Doesnt matter what you want or what you feel, it only matters what I feel.

I get the hanging on for fear that they will move away if you dont. But picture someone holding onto your pants leg as you are trying to move away. You keep shaking your leg to get them off, but, they wont go. So you shake harder and move further away, all in trying to stop them from hanging on.

When you db, you are saying, I hear you. I hear that you are saying you dont want to be married, you dont know how you feel, etc. I hear you. You dont have to agree with it, but, you do have to respect their feelings.

When you make changes it means you heard them. When you give them space. You heard them.

You also give them the opportunity to think. They arent hearing the noise of your words, because that is what it is to them at this point.

When they have time to think and they feel heard and they see changes, it gives the best opportunity for them to look towards you.

[uRworthy]

I was where you all are. I remember the hurt, the pain, the sadness, the anger, etc.

Mine was a 30 year relationship. He was my family. My first real love, my only child's father.

And when all this happened, I remember thinking, my life, my past, my future, was torn away.

I thought, there is no way I can survive this. I will never feel happiness again.

I went through the stages of grief - disbelief, anger, sadness, etc. And some other stages, too. Feeling rejected, resentful, and betrayed.

I allowed myself to feel them all. Worked through them all, for as long as I needed to. But I felt stuck.

So, I started to think about my sister burying two babies and my friend whose young child had brain cancer. I thought about the atrocities that women and children suffer around the world.

And I realized I can survive this. I can. I have to. There is no choice. I had a son who depended on me; who was watching me. He was leaning on me and learning how to get through life.

What did I want to show him? What did I want for me?

Deep down, I knew I would survive. I had survived a great many really difficult things. But, I wanted to be able to do more than just survive all this.

So, I had to really see why I was hanging onto a lot of it.

Because I knew if I continued to hang onto it, it would stop me from moving forward.

I knew that anger was holding me back. I was angry at him, at her, at MLC. And that was ok, for a time. But I realized that remaining angry at him or her was not going to change anything. But it was changing me. And I was no longer willing to sacrifice myself.

The Ow didnt care if I was angry, neither did my h. So, what was the point of continuing to hold onto that? That was just giving her my headspace and both of them my control.

And I also thought, what if, God forbid, he had passed away?

I would have been devastated, yes, but, eventually, I would have picked myself up and lived my life.

So, I knew it was the feelings of rejection and betrayal that were the real rocks around my neck.

I thought a few things. One, that he was in crisis. And two, that those feelings werent serving me well.

I was wearing them like a shield. Using them to stop what was needed to get in. And that is acceptance. Doesnt mean I have to like it all. Doesnt mean I have to understand it all. But I did have to accept it.

And when I did, it lead me on the road to forgiveness. That is ultimately where one needs to be.

If you can accept that this is how things are right now, with the understanding that they will not always be this way, you are on your way.

I think it is important to know that your spouse shouldnt complete your life. They shouldnt be responsible for your happiness. What a terrible burden to put on anyone.

They should enhance your life.

I remembered that there were days when I was angry, sad, disappointed and upset in my marriage. I think everyone can admit that.

And so, there are days that are like that in my life. But there are days of great joy and happiness.

There are no guarantees that life is going to be what you want it to be. And sometimes, stuff happens.
It is all how you handle plan b that makes all the difference.

Life is about growth and change. It's about accepting its rewards as well as its challenges. It is about having hope and understanding that we really do not know how its going to turn out. And that's ok. Because we can survive and thrive and learn. We can feel love and sadness, happiness and hurt. Its all a part of it.

But what we shouldnt ever do is accept that we are not worthy of experiencing it all.

No matter how your sitch turns out, whether you reconcile or not, celebrate the fact that you have survived, you have grown and you have lived your life in the best way you know how.

[uRworthy]

I wanted to write about boundaries
A good friend of mine wrote these and I know he wouldn’t mind if I reposted them.

Think about , very specifically, what you want boundaries on.

List them out and read them (aloud) to yourself. Sometimes reading them aloud will give you a new perspective on them. If they sound funny , then find out why they do,because they might not be a boundary that you need to relay....

Make sure, 100%, that your boundaries are NOT for you to "punish" in any way...

Watch how you deliver them. Make sure that you word them without coming across as controlling.

Closely examine the words "you", and "I" . Anytime one uses those words, there is a strong chance of using guilt, or blame.

"Always" and "Never" are words that can make us hypocrites....try to stay away from them as well.

Make sure that YOU feel good about saying them, and they are only to protect your emotional being, or physical in some cases.

Make sure that you are willing to die on that hill. Meaning is it worth it to even state them.

Do NOT overstate them. Say what you want ONCE, and rest on that. Don't explain yourself, you have your reasons, just like they have theirs.

Then you need to back away, and live with those boundaries, and let them live with them. They will cause them to spin a little, but that isn't your problem now.

Use tact, not anger. Tact was described to me as telling someone to go to hell, and they look forward to the trip.

Be the person that you want to be, regardless of what happens. You are setting a boundary, not to induce a reaction, but regardless the reaction.

[uRworthy]

As you travel through all this, you will come to realize that you are grieving. Grieving the loss of your marriage, your spouse, the life you thought you were going to have.
Even if you reconcile, it will be a different marriage. They will be different, and so will you.
So, it is important to feel each stage of grief in order to move towards acceptance.
You don’t want to get stuck in any stage. And I feel, in particular, the anger stage.
Don’t get me wrong, it is healthy to feel angry. And you should use the anger to propel you forward. Use it to make changes, to figure stuff out.
It is when you remain angry that it becomes unhealthy.
Because holding onto it weighs you down. It becomes a shield and takes away your ability to see the rest of your journey.
After some time, I realized that anger wouldn’t change the situation. But, it would change me. And I was not willing to sacrifice myself.
I had to decide to change my mindset. I had to realize that the anger wasn’t going to allow me to move to acceptance.
Accepting that this is how it is right now, but, knowing that it doesn’t mean it would always be like this.
I know there are those who struggle with their anger towards the OP. I so get that. But here’s the thing. When you release your anger against them, it is the first step towards controlling your own life. It is you saying, I am better than this. I am in control of me and my life. I get to choose how I am going to live it.
The goal should be that anger is not the driving force any longer. It served its purpose, it helped you cope, moved you forward. But it should not be a permanent part of your life.
The hope is that when you release the anger, you are on the path of forgiveness
Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act.
Forgiveness is for you.

[sweetbabyred]

Thank you so much for all of these! Very valuable words and I'm going to bookmark this page when I need a reminder of my worth.

[Pudmuddle]

Very beautiful words, uR. u R truly an angel.

[Notlikingthis]

As always uR, your thoughts and words are inspirational!

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Ur.

Thank you for posting this.

Thank you for everything that you have posted to me as well.

You've been here with me since the beginning of my mess and I truly appreciate it all.

.....even the 2x4's.



Tad

[uRworthy]

Hey SBR, Jersey, Pud,and NLT, thank you for your kind words. I am glad if this helps in some small way.

Hi Tad, you are very welcome. You will get to where you need to be when you are ready. I know it without a doubt.

[Takevowsserious]

Hey there

I have been reading your words for quite some time now, sometimes over and over till they really settle in.

You get it, all of this MLC madness.

You are several years post bomb, but you still understand how devastating that is.

We are all at different parts in our journey here, yet you always seem to know just what to say at each point. Every hurt, frustration, disappointment, moment of sadness or hopelessness, you are there to guide us along.

Thanks for this thread - now I'm gonna go read it again