Newbies introduce yourself /moderation notes

[T-boned]

Hi Doug,
In the Newcomers category there is a section for introductions where it seems you are encouraged to tell your story so 'they' can get familiar with your sitch. So I, and several others, probably went overboard in 'introducing ourselves and our sitchs' but there are no clear instructions on how much to post or where to start your own thread. I'm still not sure how to start my own thread.

Plus I am not sure if anyone is able to read or see my posts since I can't tell or find any replies. I've replied to others already but can't tell if they got my comments or not.

My only complaint about this site is the lack of clear instructions on how to post, how to start ayour own thread and how to tell whether anyone is seeing your posts. There are so many peopleI want to connect with!!!

[littlebigplanet]

Hi just got approved and awaiting mod approval on 1st post. Read the DR book and have been reading this forum.

[Groov]

Hello, Started a thread here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...271#Post2392271

Looking for advice.

[fourtysixandtwo]

Hello all,
I am a newby, but have been reading these forums the last couple days and have picked up a lot of useful information.

Here is my story:

My wife and I met 4+ years ago. After 1 year of dating, she moved in with me, a year later we were engaged and year after that we were married and bought a house together. We moved very quickly with a lot of these steps. Throughout that time our relationship was good and bad. She would try to be flirty with me and I would push her away. I really wish I didn’t do that then. It wasn’t always like that though, but I now know there wasn’t consistent intimacy in our relationship. There were a lot of challenging things going on in our life during this time with her going through 3 jobs that she hated and her finding out she was infertile. There was so much stress on our relationship and it all started to boil over when we moved into our new house.

Now, after living in our new house for 2 months and just before our 1 year wedding anniversary, my wife says she wants to separate. We had been fighting a lot off and on and things were at a bad spot, so something needed to be done. At the time, I wasn't sure her leaving the situation was a good thing. I wanted us to go to counseling and try to work on things. Her reasoning was that we couldn’t communicate and we didn’t have any of the non-sex intimacy in our relationship. We went forward with the separation (I even helped her move into her parent’s apartment). At first, we started going out on dates once a week and things went really well, she said she was starting to miss me again. At that point I pushed for us to see each other more and this pushed her away and we began arguing again. She pulled away completely at this point. About a month ago, without telling me, she ended all communication and would not respond to my texts and phone calls. This was like a shot in the heart. The more she pulled away, the more I kept asking her more and more to talk about things and see each other. I turned into a crazy person. I started having crazy anxiety and couldn’t sleep.
We went out to lunch one day and she said that we are so different and that she is not sure she can ever get over the resentment she has. She is saying extreme things like we never had intimacy and she can never get over these things. I have read that I shouldn’t take a lot of things she is saying to heart right now because she is so hurt and full of resentment. When we had lunch, she would not say she wanted a divorce, she said everything but the d-word. It was almost as if she wanted me to handle it but I told her, it is not what I want. I told her that this relationship was important to me and that I saw more of the great times we had together and was willing to put in the work to get us back there and that I wanted to give her everything she always wanted that I didn’t give her before. I understand now that by pushing her and not being patient wasn’t the right decision and now I am trying very hard to use the 180 technique. I think she may be trying to use this technique on me right now, but since we really don’t talk about our relationship right now, I don’t know for sure. During the separation, I read the Divorce Busting Book. This has helped me get a perspective on what I should do. We haven’t spoken in 3 days, which is a lot for me, considering each day feels like an eternity not speaking to her. I definitely believe our relationship can be great again and it hard to explain, but we have done so many great things together and I don’t feel that she trusts her emotions enough right now to pull the trigger on a divorce. This gives me hope but I want to handle things patiently and take things slow, but saying that is easy said. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I also have one question. Her birthday is next weekend, should I text her happy birthday if I am currently practicing the 180 technique? I feel like I should, but am not sure.

[Pandy99]

Hello, this is my first post. I have been working with a DB coach for several months because my H of over 20 years dropped the bomb that he had been mtg with an old flame 3 times over the past 3 years. I found out they had been communicating 8 months prior, but he never admitted to more than that. Finally he told me in Feb minutes before he had to leave to go out of town (coward!) because he said he finally felt I had to know the truth. At first I wanted things to work between us, but now I am not so sure if I want to stay. He says he has always cared for her and always will, but he loves me. I feel I dont deserve to have the shadow of an old flame hovering over me. Have 3 kids, so that makes me want to try to work it out, but issue is complicated because we have a child recently diagnosed with a chronic illness, plus my husband is away a lot right now on business, this is what made it so easy for him to cheat. Our focus the last few months has been getting our child well and I have not had the emotional energy to deal with my H affair and how it has hurt me, and this all occurred within one months time. My life has been turned upside down, and I need to make a decision in the next few months because we are supposed to move. He says he will be devestated by a divorce, but I am not so sure, he said that once. He never wants to talk about "it", I wish he was more demonstrative toward me. I would especially appreciate a mans's point of view. Is it normal and ok to still have feelings for another person but also love and want to be with your wife?? Thanks!

[chessasfo]

Hello to everyone... I am just posting this,(hopefully in the right place) to say Hello to ya all, and introduce myself...

I shall have to give some thought to how this as there are simply too much going on... However, in short...

Married 33 years... Separated in 2003 for 5 years, got back together, and the jury is still very much out! Basically nothing has changed except our age... and the fact we haven't had any physical intimacy who so ever! I won't go further, as I need to try to put everything together....

Thanks for being here!!

Oh.. I am 54, husband is 68... our son, 31 is living with us due to lack of a job!

[S4tk]

Here goes...

We have been married 11 years. We met on the mission field (both coming to the same country with that desire independently). We have a D-5 and S-1.5. We have had ups and downs in marriage, but I thought these last 5 years since D was born, things were pretty good. Busy, but good. I suppose I was blind or unwilling to look under the surface.

3 months ago, W shared that she didn't love me anymore, that the connection was gone, that she was "done." Within 5 days of the initial bomb, she took off the rings and said she was leaving with the kids.

Though vague about her reasons for losing love for me, she has used words that I hadn't heard these 11 years: controlling, manipulative, "stealing her voice", etc. 7 years ago she also was unhappy - she has been through depression twice in our marriage and went through therapy at that time. I found out then about some really sad stuff from her childhood and past, and kind of ignorantly didn't know how to support her with it - so I let the therapy progress and she came out feeling better. At that time, she saw that some of the changes that needed to be made were not just related to her, but to our M. She asked for more affection, a weekly date night, evening couch time to talk, and a house and to begin trying to have children. This all seemed reasonable to me, and we have - for the most part - kept all of those things since that time.

So the bomb in July just shocked me. Additionally, because of our work, we were living in a small country in Eastern Europe and the reality of separation or divorce would take us away from our work, our network of good friends, etc. In short, my world was rocked with the threat of many aspects of my identity (husband, father, vocation, friend) being ripped away simultaneously.

The first 6 weeks up until end of August, I broke many of what I see referred to as "Sandi2's rules." I begged for time, I promised change, and at the same time I was also obsessed with figuring her out. I spent hours googling everything from depression to bipolar to attachment disorders to midlife crises. I finally realized the damage I was doing by driving myself nuts, and occasionally her as well.

We flew our family home in early September, and since then I have been doing individual therapy. Although the therapist isn't the brief kind that Michele advocates (he is typical psychoanalysis, but with my faith background mixed in), he is good and is leading me to own my sh1t in all this. So I have still been screwing up and not exactly DBing these last six weeks, but I did leave behind some of the damaging things I was doing the first six weeks.

We did one joint MC session and she told the therapist she is 100% done. We scheduled for the following week but the day before W decided she didn't want to do it. I had learned enough the I was starting to DB without knowing it (just found the books and this website about 3-4 days ago). When she told me she didn't want to return to MC, I had about 30 minutes where I went to another room to silently process impending doom. Then, I realized that her refusing a 2nd session of MC didn't mean that she will leave tomorrow necessarily. I saw that I was placing all hope in certain things (MC, her daily responses, etc).

I would qualify us as basically S under the same roof. We eat together with the kids, watch TV in the same room, but touching her even casually has become off limits. She doesn't wear her rings, and is working on a resume - presumably a step in the process toward S and maybe then big D.

I am reading DB, almost finished. Have bought DR but haven't started it yet. I am torn between the idea of going dark, which I am reading about in this forum, and the idea which likely emerges from the therapy and from my faith background, which is continued repentance toward her for my part in this, and continued pursuit to win her heart back.

I have many questions for you DB vets, especially those who have seen their M restored.

That's my story up to this point. I am saddened every morning with the prospect of losing the love of my life, and the kids. But I am beginning to work on GAL and some 180 stuff. Figuring out which 180 techniques to implement is tough, because I'm still not sure that the explanations W have given me are clear enough for me to figure out what exactly to change. This, to me, seems to be a most important question that I need to figure out.

TB

[hurtin'part]

Hello All:

My marriage is in deep trouble.

WAW is in the midst of a severe mid-life crisis and I have done some things (internet porn) to aggravate the situation. I admitted to occasionally looking at the porn to her back in March 2013. I stopped immediately but W had a very severe reaction - smashing things, etc. and our lives have been on a rollercoaster ever since.

Although I think W is very good looking, her self-esteem is very low right now. We are still living together but July 1 she dropped the bomb and told me she wants to separate and divorce. She has been adamant and firm about this ever since and she does things to remind me "she is done" on a regular basis.

I have made a bunch of changes: July 3, I quit drinking. She has complained about me drinking too much. I had been drinking 1 to 3 drinks per day for many years and more on weekends and social occasions. Now I have stopped drinking on a daily basis but I still will have one or two drinks in social situations. I am still struggling with this a bit lately and I think I need to go cold turkey. It is a powerful addiction.

From March until July 24, I did a lot of apologizing, explaining, saying "I love you", asking for forgiveness and other needy behaviors.

July 23 I purchased and read a booklet put out by "Marriage Repair Center" and I have also purchased and read the Divorce Remedy book. I have read the MRC booklet many times and I have been following it and the similar "Last Resort" suggestions for the past 3 months.

I have made many small changes and 180's, helping out more, not being as controlling, more relaxed, GAL and she has noticed. She says "too little, too late" or "too bad you didn't do this two years ago" or "you are just following a book and changing to get me back".

But she has also said "What if I change my mind?" and "I am impressed by how well you are handling this"

I have also been going to counselling and working on GAL. I do not have very many close friends so this is something I really need to work on.

We were still having sex up until the middle of August. I was also making a point of hugging her when I came home but I have recently stopped doing this.

She has purchased a trailer to move in to and gets possession at the end of October. She does not seem to be in a hurry to move out yet and I have not been pushing separating.

Affairs & MLC: In August 2012 W started going to the gym and losing a lot of weight and she has been pursuing old high-school friends and old boyfriends. I was able to get her to stop texting and FB with the first guy back in November 2012. She has continued to pursue the second old boyfriend since Jan 2013. He lives out of town and she is texting, FB and arranging for visits as often as possible. She took him out for lunch when we were in the area Aug 6 and she flew down and to attend his mothers funeral August 23,24 & 25 weekend. She drove down again this weekend for a close friend's 50th birthday and will likely spend time with him.

I am having a very hard time sucking this up. I do not think they have had sex yet, since W is very insecure about her body, but it is a matter of time and it will happen. OM is a nice guy and very funny - always smiling and cracking jokes. I am also a nice guy but much more uptight and serious. OM is previously divorced and also has just ended a 5 year relationship.

W has scheduled breast implant surgury in December.

I need some help in determining the best course of action for my situation since she is still living at home but I am not sure how much I should put up with.

[mew]

1st post. Bought DB book today. My wife asked for a D a month ago and like many others I am devestated and was doing many wrong things like being emotional, begging, questioning ect. I want to make things work and I think DB is the tool I need based on posts I have read with similar situations. Most of the advice I have gotten so far is to move on and I don't want to give up that easily.

Thanks for sharing your experiences

[NotAgainPlease]

Well I am at this again after 7 years. We were separated for 8 months last time.

This time it is a little different. We have been married almost 15 years and together for 19. We have twin boy/girl 13 year old. My husband has been through a lot of stress for the past 3 years becoming a firefighter paramedic. We have had financial trouble due to this as well.

We have nasty fights and throw around the D word as a threat. I know how wrong this is! DH also drinks a lot. During the week 2-4 beers most nights. When we go to a party he will get trashed. He tells me I am boring because I don't drink a lot and I am not a bundle of fun. I told DH I have to drive your drunk ass home! I grew up with an alcoholic father and hate it. His father and grand father I would call both alcoholics and they both cheated on their spouses. I would say DH drinking has been a major problem for us. He says I am the one who has a problem with is drinking. DH has cut down in the past couple of years. I have learn no to make him mad to avoid a nasty fight.
A month ago DH went to his 20 year reunion and ended up staying in a 5th grade GF's room. He says he has always liked her. Swears they did not have sex. However, they have been having an EA ever since. The got a prepaid phone because I found 10-15 text and 60-90 min calls everyday.
When I found out about her he said they were just friends but he doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce. He said there is no way we we will get back together!!He says he is dead in side for me. Not her apparently. But, wants to stay in the house for the kids. He said we would try to work on us. Then I found the other phone. DH then said he was lying and had no intentions on working on us. He is in love with EA and never loved anyone like her. He is very angry at me and says we have had a horrible marriage. We can't get along and push each others buttons. He likes to tell me things to get a reaction and then I explode. I am embarrassed to say I am a yeller and trying to work on that. That is his major issue with me.
After DH said 3-4 times saying he has stopped with her and not. I told him he was right we had a bad marriage and we needed to get a divorce. DH said "I thought we were staying together for the kids?" I said I wanted to but I can't handle you EA. Again, he said he would give her up, doesn't want to but will to stay and gave me the other phone.
This was 3 days ago. He sent her a text from regular phone that supposedly says the couldn't talk "right now". WTH! I said that sounds like a few days to me. He wanted to talk to her and let her know what was happening. Oh, I forgot to mention she is also married. He has yet to go one day without contact. Sent her a text late last night. So giving me the other phone is no big deal if he is just using the other one.
I love my husband and want to work it out but he says he hates me and doesn't want to talk to me. I told him if he stayed I wanted to act like a couple and he needs to stay in the bedroom (couch for 2 weeks) and not contact with EA. EA not happening yet but down to once daily, ha ha.
DH slept in the bed 3 nights ago. In his sleep bugged me all night for sex. I finally woke him up. We talked and he said he didn't want me just horny. DH said he wanted to be honest and didn't want to lie to me anymore.
We have tried to get along and work on arguing to defuse it. It is hard for me not to pick about the EA. I am working on it daily and he is too.
Last time he left sex was the only thing that kept us bonded. We ended up having sex that night and then he was very remorseful saying he feels bad for using me for sex.
I have read DB & DR in the past and skimmed through to refresh. I am kind of a loss about what to do next. Since he is home it is hard.
Sorry so long I wanted to give the whole picture.