NEW LIFE / NEW ME - AIRBORNE

[Fartiltre]

I am still on my trip and it is nice. I have been walking the forests at night with the fullmoon above and the nature has been astonishing.
Normally I would just have lived this 100% but everything is so different now. My mind keeps wandering and I can’t enjoy the experience to the same degree as normal simply because my sit is taking over in my brain.
Walking the forest alone, in the dark, focusing on not making errors, putting all your energy into one single purpose, applying patience, not knowing what’s around the next tree or stone, hoping that everything will turn out fine, armed primarily with own knowledge and abilities and experiencing all kind off feelings makes a 14 hours night stalk into a special experience these days. It’s like life or sit opening up in front of me, but it is all played out in very short time. The outcome is not up to me alone – I do my best and the rest is in the hands of nature and God.


I just called W to talk to the girls. They are visiting family and doing family things. D6 told me a little and D4 didn’t want to talk. It was nice hearing their voices – I miss them and when I talk to them I miss W and family even more than usual.
I had made half an appointment with D6 about picking her up Monday and just watching StarWars with her and S10 but W told me today that it won’t work out since the have an appointment to get their hair cut.
I also asked D6 if she wanted to attend GS on Wednesday and she said yes.
After talking to her W came on the phone and we had a nice dispute about me asking D6 things like this. I told W that I have had two unpleasant experiences the last times a have brought D6 to GS and I want her to be prepared. W meant otherwise and I told that it all right but I am going with my own belief on this one.
She sounds cold and distant but still nice. A little less nice than usual but that could be due to many things. She told me that they were enjoying and that they would have her cousin (friend of mine) joining them shortly. She always seems to put in a little sentence that makes me wish – even harder – that this never happened.

I am facing a new fear in sit and that is loneliness. My entire family is gone! I have an aunt left whom I haven’t spoken with for 15 years – everybody else is either dead or gone in some other way.
I fear I will be left on my own for Christmas. I know this is a rough time for everybody in a sit like mine and I will have to overcome this
I need to get the Christmas this year solved. I hope I will be able to make something work out so that children and I won’t spend it alone.

I will be returning home tomorrow.


LTH,
Thanks for posting! I will get back in a few days about this – for now I just needed to journal.

[hotwheelsaust]

F, I know and understand your fear of loneliness. I have it too. I am expecting Christmas to be very lonely, without the family, but thankfully we have an orphan Christmas party through my bike club. Basically all the people without family get together.

[lovethehub]

F,

I have been thinking about you and your Christmas situation since yesterday morning. I understand the concept of not accepting invitations from your W because you don't want her playing house and cake eating. Sandi2's advice is great, yet I am starting to think more and more about Christmas. By the time Christmas rolls around, you will have been declining almost all of W's invitations for 5 months. Maybe you will reconcile, maybe you will not, it isn't decided yet. However, ask yourself this: If there wasn't any chance of reconciliation between W and I, would I want to spend some time together on Christmas.

Some people want to and they still celebrate birthdays and Christmas jointly, at least for part of the day. Moving forward, how do you want to handle birthdays and Christmas if you do not reconcile? If you want to spend them together, I think it is okay to spend this Christmas together. It doesn't mean you are suddenly accepting every invitation she puts out there, it means you are choosing the way you want your children to experience these holidays.

I need to get the Christmas this year solved. I hope I will be able to make something work out so that children and I won’t spend it alone.

I am not sure why this would be a bad thing. Maybe Christmas is celebrated differently in your country and it is standard to do things with other families? I think a Christmas day spent at home with my children is perfect.

Clearly Sandi2 has more experience than me, these are just my personal thoughts on Christmas.

[LuckyLuke]

Far,

Perhaps you/the kids could spend Christmas Eve day at one person's place and Christmas Day at another? Or start a new ritual by going to a special restaurant at lunch on one of the days, with the kids, say, or doing something to mark the day as yours.

Basic idea - split Christmas into two days, with each day having its special moments - and then alternate who gets which day. I grew up in the States, but live in Sweden now. We celebrate on both the 24th and 25th, not a bad deal, as it seems you get to milk the occasion for longer and perhaps even get more presents.

I think hub's advice of actively choosing/forming the event is good. It doesn't have to be exactly like it always was.

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

And another idea - if you can't have your kids on the 24th, invite an old person over and spend time together - they are possibly even lonelier than us LBS. Luke

[Fartiltre]

So I am back home!
The trip was great but the coming home wasn’t – house felt big and empty when I arrived.

I anticipated this so I went by S10 and stayed with him and XW1 for half an hour and then I went to neighbors and talked for a while. I guess this helped but still the house felt empty.

I am in more turmoil these days than for a long time but still it is nothing compared to some months ago. I still feel I am on the right path in regards of myself and the chance of R.
I have realized that the feeling of hope of R diminishing is in fact my belief in R diminishing. According to the books I am reading these days this is not good.
Believing in something is the first step to actually making it happen. I will stay on my path and try acting as I know R will happen at some point in the future.

I feel a change in W these days when talking to her! It is properly nothing since nothing have been said or done but it feels like she is more cold and distant. It is hard to describe this feeling and it won’t change anything for now so I will try to let it go.
I have a hard time not focusing on her “What is she feeling”, “What is she thinking”, “What is she expecting”. These questions pops in my mind all the time. I try to get rid of them but can’t these days.
I also feel myself starting to wonder about BD again. I feel I am loosing respect for W because of the way she chose to do this. Not the fact that she did it but the fact that she didn’t warn me. She properly feels she did it – I know!! One sentence she said keeps coming to my head “Why doesn’t men understand it until it is to late?” I guess we just don’t but this is properly also due to the fact that women doesn’t tell us in a way that makes us understand. I pi$$es me of that I feel like W didn’t try hard enough! I am still not angry – just wondering and loosing some respect.
I feel myself asking “Will I ever be able to trust this woman again?”, “Do I even know her anymore?” and so on. I have read many LBHs asking these questions so I guess all is totally normal here.
Still it feels odd asking these questions and missing her at the same time. I guess I miss what was and have a hard time trusting in what can be.
I guess the silence of the woods have made my head spin once again.

I haven’t planned that much GAL this week – last week was a little too much!
I will visit a friend tomorrow and that’s it for the week. I will properly throw in something during the weekend but right now I also feel like being at home and just enjoying some time by myself and with the kids. I have a lot of things I want done at home.

S4Tk

I am totally new here, and my W has not yet moved out, but she is moving in that direction. I read your post here and it inspires me to keep fighting, and to look at what I can change in my life.

S4, I am glad if my thread helps you. I have been blessed with so much advice from kind people in here and all though I couldn’t/wouldn’t follow it at first it has helped me tremendously.
I am not up to speed on your sit but if you have read my entire thread you will know what I went through living together with W for five months after BD.
Feel free to post questions if you have any.


HWA,

F, I think we all sound better than what we feel at times.

That’s so true! We act and fake it out because that’s the only thing we can do. DBing hold so much good but at first it is about pretending at acting – hopefully it will sink in.
I believe we both are getting better and better at this but the feeling of turmoil and uncertainty is still rooted deep in me.


LTH,
Thanks once again for being by my side with your advice!!!

You sure are busy GALing..good for you.

I try hard to keep busy and it does make me feel better – but only in the moment. Days are getting rougher at the moment. I miss my family also when GALing – in fact some of the GALing increases the feeling. Being with friends and without W makes me realize what I have lost.

This is very wordy. Based on my past experiences, I would have this conversation by phone (or in person) and follow up with an email that confirms whatever you agree on.

I agree!!
I haven’t and I won’t send it! I will properly do this in person and just jump right into this subject and see what happens. I need it solved.

Right now I am on the same path as you have suggested! Next time I meet W in person I will simply ask her how she feels about Christmas and then take it from there.

The points in the email I wrote still goes and I believe this will work out best for the children. It has been this way with S10 for 9 years now and W has always agreed that this is the best way but I know she could have changed her opinion on this one as well. (See also my answers to LL later in this post)

By the time Christmas rolls around, you will have been declining almost all of W's invitations for 5 months.

Perhaps! Who knows – Since W and Ds came over she haven’t mentioned anything or invited.

If there wasn't any chance of reconciliation between W and I, would I want to spend some time together on Christmas.

Right now (and I do reserve the right to have a change of heart) theirs is no chance. If no R W and/or I will end up in a new relationship at some point and then joint Christmas is not a possibility as I see it. At the same time I do not feel like spending Christmas eve with MIL, SIL or others from Ws family. I am still into meeting up for a few hours on the 22 or 23 but that’s it for now.

I am not sure why this would be a bad thing. Maybe Christmas is celebrated differently in your country and it is standard to do things with other families? I think a Christmas day spent at home with my children is perfect.

You are properly right! I guess this is inherited and I should properly look into my views on this one.


LTH, I get your points all the way through! Case is that I simply do not feel like splitting the children’s Christmas since I do not believe it will serve them any good.

I have seen a few comments about the girls bags. I would like to suggest that you get some clothes to keep at your house, they will wear stuff back and forth, so you may buy it and it ends up at Ws or vice versa but that isn't a big deal. Having to pack a bag for your house sends the message that they live with mom and they visit dad. It is also a hassle, you have to go pick it up, if w forgets something she has to drop it off.

The system here is that the one who gets the childsupport also buys clothing. I try to pick up the bags when Ds is not around so they do not get the feeling of “visiting” me. Your writings about this made me realize that I need to look a little more into how I handle this so I thank you for putting this to my notice.

Clearly Sandi2 has more experience than me, these are just my personal thoughts on Christmas.

Do not underestimate your selves – I cherish your advice and thoughts very much. The combination of you and Sandi is extremely strong and I feel privileged to have the advice from both of you.


LL,

Perhaps you/the kids could spend Christmas Eve day at one person's place and Christmas Day at another?

I see your point and understand what you are saying but I do not believe this will be good for children or me.
Christmas (dance around the three, dinner, gifts etc) is celebrated on the 24 in the evening and the next day should be with 100% focus on the children. I have once moved S10 on the 25 and I felt sorry for him.
There should be time for them to play and be in the moment and I won’t let my own desire to see them on this day make them drive a long way. W will properly celebrate Christmas with family 150 km away and that would mean a long drive. They should wake up, enjoy, play and be with loved ones and not experience that the family is ripped apart.


Thanks for all of your advice!
F

[sandi2]

It is usually a very traditional holiday in families and countries across the world. What seems unfavorable to one may be the only way for another. I know that sometime back, I had advised you not to celebrate the holiday with W (as a family)...b/c she was doing so much cake eating at the time, and was making plans to spend Christmas like always. But I have to admit, it is breaking my heart to hear how sad you are feeling.....and finding that there are very limited family members left. As I've told you from the beginning, this is your life, not ours, and it is your pain/happiness you experience. I do not, under any circumstances, want you to miss Christmas celebration simply b/c I advised you not share it with W. The thought of you not being with your children for part of the holiday is too sad! Gee, I would tell you to visit them at your W's place before I would say not to see them at all. I would even help serve the cake! After all, how sad will the children be if they don't have some time with their daddy?

I agree, that if there is no reconciliation there will probably be no more shared Christmas celebrating. She does need to realize that these things will not continue as they once did. Since you have been declining so many invitations, maybe she's getting the message! However, I just want you to make the decision to do what you feel is best for your little girls.....regardless if W eats cake or not.

Maybe you should approach her by asking what she wanted to do for Christmas.....before you are quick to state what you've been thinking. Just hear what she has to say. You may want to consider leaving yourself a little opening.

Christmas every two years??? Ugh! How do you celebrate with your son? Does he visit on another day and the family opens presents then?

[Fartiltre]

Sandi,

Thanks for a warm and caring post!

As I've told you from the beginning, this is your life, not ours, and it is your pain/happiness you experience. I do not, under any circumstances, want you to miss Christmas celebration simply b/c I advised you not share it with W.

You will never ever be responsible for my choices – these are mine.
The case is that this already is my decision. I am following your advice until I stop doing it as we have agreed but on this one I really do feel that a Christmas torn in bits because parents have the need to see their children is not good for the children. I do not want to put my own needs before the children’s on this one.
Everything is totally crazy on the 24. – children’s going nuts about the present they will open after dinner. Adults trying to get everything ready and so on. So after a day like that the children really need a calm and relaxing 25. where they can rest, enjoy their gifts and just have time. I do NOT believe that these days are any good moving around with the children.
I have done it once with S10 and XW1 and I quickly agreed that this isn’t good for him and I do not believe it will be good for the Ds.

I would simply love to have the English/American style of celebrating Christmas brought here. It is much better for everybody and especially the children.

Christmas every two years??? Ugh! How do you celebrate with your son? Does he visit on another day and the family opens presents then?

That’s the deal with S10 and it works splendid for him. This year he will come home on the 20. and leave again on the 26. XW1 has asked if he can be at her place a day around the 22. since it is hard not having him around. I have happily agreed to this.
It’s tough on me and even tougher on XW1 not having him around at Christmastime, but we believe it’s the best deal for him. He gets most his gift on Christmas eve. I simply give XW1 the ones from me and he opens them in the evening without me being there. XW1 tends to hold a little second Christmas for him but IMHO Christmas eve is Christmas eve.

But I have to admit, it is breaking my heart to hear how sad you are feeling.....and finding that there are very limited family members left.

Christmas is a rough time for all of us in here and as you write it is hard with no family left. This year my children will be here and I will put them in focus and make the best holiday possible for them. Next year I will put myself in focus and make the best possible holiday for me.
I do not know what is ahead of me but I will endure this. The thoughts are heavy right now.

What I need to do right now is primarily focus on the children and secondarily on me, but I also do believe that I need to look at my sit as no R will happen. I need to do this to guard my children from further hurt down the road. This is best done by keeping Christmas separate.

I know others disagree and I respect their opinion.

However, I just want you to make the decision to do what you feel is best for your little girls.....regardless if W eats cake or not.

I am and I will keep doing this on these special occasions.

Since they were here two weeks ago there have been no invitations so perhaps she has stopped. On the other hand it has been vacationtime here. I do not feel my sit is advancing right now – W seems more cold and distant.
We will see what happens in the days/weeks to come.

Maybe you should approach her by asking what she wanted to do for Christmas.....before you are quick to state what you've been thinking. Just hear what she has to say. You may want to consider leaving yourself a little opening.

This is exactly what I plan to do but I do think that I will state the question in a way that shows her in what direction I am headed. If I state it as a totally open question and she tell me she want for us to have a joint Christmas I will have to decline her totally and that won’t serve any good.
I am considering something like:

W, we also need to look into Christmas and New Year. Since S10 is at home for Christmas it is my sincere hope that Ds can be as well. Otherwise they won’t be able to spend Christmas together. What are your thought on this?

Then she can state her opinion and once again I can – if needed – tell her I will give it some thoughts.
I hope to do this quite soon but as you have pointed out several times it is about timing.



And with all that said I haven’t closed any doors on this matter. W or others will properly be able to persuade me into changing my opinion on this one, so it is not a boundary or anything like it.

Gee, I would tell you to visit them at your W's place before I would say not to see them at all. I would even help serve the cake!

LOL – A good laugh these days is the best and this one made it for me!
Thanks for caring about me and my family.

I hope all these words describe where I am right now and how I feel about this Christmas issue


Well, back to sit!

I am just doing what I have been doing for some time know! Trying to focus on me, detach and GAL. As you have properly already read in my last post it has been harder on me the last days but I will get back on track.

That said I have been giving your idea about a casual dinner some serious thoughts and I feel I am ready for this. I do not feel like looking it up right now but if something happens or somebody comes along I will not decline it either.
Do you agree or should I do a little searching?

Any other suggestions for now?

F

[hotwheelsaust]

I also feel myself starting to wonder about BD again. I feel I am loosing respect for W because of the way she chose to do this. Not the fact that she did it but the fact that she didn’t warn me. She properly feels she did it – I know!! One sentence she said keeps coming to my head “Why doesn’t men understand it until it is to late?” I guess we just don’t but this is properly also due to the fact that women doesn’t tell us in a way that makes us understand. I pi$$es me of that I feel like W didn’t try hard enough! I am still not angry – just wondering and loosing some respect.
I feel myself asking “Will I ever be able to trust this woman again?”, “Do I even know her anymore?” and so on. I have read many LBHs asking these questions so I guess all is totally normal here.
Still it feels odd asking these questions and missing her at the same time. I guess I miss what was and have a hard time trusting in what can be.

F, I am there with you. The question keeps popping up in my head along with those thoughts. I look at the reversal, if I walked out, how would she feel about me not giving her the chance to fix things etc.
There is no great answer to this question, it has simply happened.

[Fartiltre]

W just called!
Talk was calm and pleasant – she still seems a little more withdrawn and cold.

First a little about food-day at kindergarten Thursday. D4 needs to bring something.
Then about booking a parents meeting at D6s school.

After talking about this and the calendars being open I thought my timing was good.
M: We also need to talk about planning Christmas.
W: I thought we had done this. S10 is with you and so should the girls be.

…or something like that! I am 100% certain we haven’t discussed this but she just told me that off course Ds should be with me. Not a word about being together. I told her we have to plan the dates at some point but left it there feeling good that the children will all be at my place. At the same time I am wondering what is happening with W.
She seems on a different track since we met up two weeks ago.

Then she asked about my trip and I told her a little and that it was great.
She told me that she won’t be home tomorrow when I pick up the bags and then a little about what she is doing tomorrow.
I ended the call.

Two mins later she called about D6 being invited to a birthday. We agreed to decline this invitation and said goodbye again.

Well, the important part is that Christmas is solved. I will need to get the dates on paper but I don’t believe that will cause any problems after this talk.
Some part of me seems to be a little disappointed about her not reaching out for familytime…
(Expectations – YES! Hope of her showing there’s still something left – YES! Understandable – YES! Wise – NO!)
When I went LRT and she came after cake I properly got my hopes up and now that she seems to be on a different track once again I get disappointed – I guess this could be the reason for the increase in turmoil I have felt the last weeks.
Typical distancer/pursuer behavior – I guess. She pulls back and I feel like reaching out and at the same time the feeling of doubt rises inside me. Doubt in myself and in LRT! Funny how this thing works on my (and properly others) mind.

While typing this she called again. This time to tell me that she has moved her emails and that she is looking into the calendar-issue. I will still need to host it. She wanted me to help her fix this but since I am not her fixer anymore and don’t know how to – I told her that I can’t help her.
This call seemed somewhat irrelevant since nothing has been solved anyhow.

W just called the 4. Time. After our first talk I scheduled the parentsmeeting at school. W wanted another time and had received an email….this is only possible if she haven’t moved her mailaccount so I guess she will have to look into this once again.
We got the new time and ended the call together.